A conversation and some proverbs from my weekend.

Sarah: So just be careful around Lilly cause she can be trouble.

Me: Well duh, she’s a coke head and she is obviously aware she’s hot. That’s pretty dangerous. Like you aren’t trouble?

Sarah: No I mean she just tends to get a little friendly with my friends.

Me: So she seduces everyone you bring over?

Sarah: No, not exactly. She’s just hooked up with a lot of the boys I have had around her.

Me: So she’s a total whore and she’s still your friend?

Sarah: I wouldn’t say she’s a whore exactly, just don’t sleep with her ok?

Me: So you’re saying that she’s seduced a lot of your men, but she’s not a whore?

Sarah: Yeah, sort of.

Me: So she just has a very friendly vagina?

Sarah: Exactly.

I would highly suggest that you don’t try and go an entire weekend with minimal sleep and a diet consisting entirely of goods served at a bar. And if you do, don’t snort an ass load of crazy good coke up your nose, because you will regret it for several days, at least.

If your woman is thoughtful enough to stop herself from plopping down on you to watch TV for fear that she might squish your balls, don’t simply readjust and tell her she is good to go. Her vantage point may have offered a more realistic view of what sort of placement is actually going on down there, and more often than not you will instantly regret your decision as you feel you chances for procreation drastically drop.

Just because they keep making Scary Movie sequels, doesn’t mean they are getting any better. Don’t watch them unless you really like not laughing for two hours.

If you are planning on having sex in someone else’s car before they get a chance to, don’t let them know. It will thenceforth be much harder to find their keys.

Never act freaked out when you find out you are going to be sleeping in a house with a child in it. If you do, don’t ask their parent exactly how evil their child is. They will not understand that you simply meant how evil they are on the usual child evil scale. (everyone knows all children are evil, it’s just a matter of how evil they are) Turns out most mothers don’t have much of a sense of humor about their children. Go fig.

Every woman has their own weird body parts that they don’t want touched. No matter how cute or funny it may seem, never again go near any of those spots once you discover them. Because the crimson tide rolls in fast if you aren’t respectful of the no trespassing signs.

Dogs small enough to fit your hands easily around their torso are not dogs. They are imposter’s to the dog world, and should be left outside where normal sized dogs can easily access them for food. Also, with a body that small, it’s impossible to hold your piss/shit for more than two minutes at a time. Beware the kitchen floor at night.

While showering with a member of the opposite sex can be good old fashioned fun, beware the lather splatter from your partner. Even if you have contained your own soap usage, the floor will inevitably be covered with a slick layer of the other parties wash off, and can in some circumstances lead to painful and hilarious encounters with gravity. And no matter how you try and play it off, you still look like a naked person who just busted their ass, and most likely is now blinded by both pain and shampoo.