Vibrators and Butt Plugs and Cock Rings, OH MY!

So I was chatting with my woman on the phone last night, preparing for my first visit down east to the beach. I’m gonna tag along with Kato and Rachel when they go down to her parents for thanksgiving weekend. I think now is a good time to mention that Kato’s name is really Kenny, and I’m the only person who calls him Kato, like from the Green Hornet. And he fucking hates it, he gets pissed when I call him that. But he doesn’t read this blog, so I can do whatever I fucking want. Plus he is a big part of the reason that every friend I have has called me Muffin for the last five or six years. So I owe him some grief.

Anyway I get to visit Sarah, and hang out with her father in law, who is this kick ass redneck dude who just started a boat building company. And I want to see that too. Plus, who doesn’t enjoy visiting a small town where everyone knows everyone and having the opportunity to meet every GD dude who has ever banged the girl you’re with? Kidding. I’m not really looking forward to that. Boo fucking hoo, I know.

So we’re blabbing on the phone, and the conversation starts to get a little randy, and at some point I mention that I’m pissed because I lost Pocket Sally. And she was all shocked that I had a sex toy. I told her my porn star/stripper/bartender friend had bought it for me for Christmas a few years ago. We actually kept the box on the mantle for a while. It was cool. But I was surprised to find out that apparently she has never had a toy of her own. No shit! I didn’t know there were people out there who had never been in a sex shop and bought something to pass the time alone. Seriously, I think every girl I am friends with has, or has had some sort of dildo or vibrator.

So I told her I was going to remedy that situation and get her a gift so we could have a little fun during my visit. So I go online today to figure out exactly what I want to get her, and lo and behold, it turns out I don’t know jack shit about sex toys. I have no idea where to begin. I knew the basics. You’ve got dildos, vibrators, and mini vibrators. But noooooooooo, there’s so much more!

There are butt plugs, rabbit style vibes, clit lickers, vibrating cock rings, dildos of every shape, size, and texture, waterproof vibes, vibrating whips, vibrators in the shape of mice, octopi, cobra’s, and even three fingered hands. There are ticklers, g-spot stimulators, poon suckers, beads, probes, bullets, and toys with so many attachments they look more like pervy swiss army knives. A few of my personal favorites were the Cobra vibrator, I rub my duckie, (a super smart idea btw, hide it in plain sight) and the ever popular glow-in-the-dark clone-a-willy vibrator kit.

Now I don’t have much experience with owning a vagina, so I’m not really sure what to get her now. It would almost feel too tame to get a plain old dildo after the shopping/learning I just did. But maybe that’s just the ticket. but if so should I go with glass, metal, or something fleshy? And if I get a vibrator, what sort is the best? Is the normal phallic style good enough, or should I get one with one of the rabit style clit stimulators? Or maybe something more discreet, like a bullet style mini vibrator. I definitely don’t want to make myself obsolete, so I won’t be going with anything like the 8″ vibrating Emperor. I mean jeez, I do alright, but DAMN! She’s gonna laugh at me after that.

I’m leaning for either a discreet bullet style like the Fukuoku 9000 Massager, or something sleek like Jenna’s Velvet Jewels. I don’t want to scare her, this is her first toy after all. But I don’t know what I’m doing. So if any of you ladies have any advise for a fella, let me know. Cause I’m picking something before I go, for better or for worse. I figure the worst thing that could happen is that I have to resort to normal sex, and that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

Also, a vagina related story from today: Sami had to go get her wisdom teeth removed today, and apparently the anesthetic they use makes your crotch really itchy, but the dentist didn’t warn her. So her poon starts itching and she keeps going to scratch it, but pretending it’s her arm instead so she doesn’t look stupid. Oh my god, that just cracks me up. Itchy poon gas. Awesome.