If I ruled the world. (aka your very near future)

So apparently there’s some sort of secret society of wannabe dictators blogger group where they post challenges and the members write their posts accordingly, and then the votes are cast. And some sort of blood ritual occurs after which a victor stands and the rest know their better. I really don’t feel like joining any groups right now, but I did like their latest challenge, so I’m gonna try my hand at it. Plus, as someone pointed out in a comment, I’ve been rather sexual with my topics as of late, so I’m going to try and pull off some Disney magic for a while and keep it clean … er.

You know, so I don’t make children bleed from the eyes. (although …)

So the mystery challenge was to post what you would do if you were president for a day. I think. But of course I want to be president of the whole world. And I don’t want to be a president, I want to be called the Commander Supreme. In fact, let’s just go ahead and make it The Most Excellent Commander Supreme, Overlord of All Earth, King of Men! And then I want to get to choose a new name, so instead of Josh I would be The Most Excellent Commander Supreme, Overlord of All Earth, King of Men! His Excellency: Jumbofist McBonecrusher!!!!! (((crowd cheers))) (((ahhhhhhhh!!!)))

Ok, so my first act as Commander Supreme would be to put my face on Mt. Rushmore. But I want my head to be made of gold, not granite. And it should be at least twice as big as the other heads. And I want it to shoot a laser show out of my eyes and play Lynyrd Skynyrd over loudspeakers so that everyone in the surrounding countryside would be forced to rock out to my visage. And I want it to rock back like a Pez dispenser and shoot fire and ninja stars out of my mouth. And everyone who visits will get a free lengua torta with a tall glass of horchata, or beer, and baklava for dessert. Romi, I’ll make sure they get you a triple chocolate somethin’ somethin’.

2) I want fireworks every night. Everyone on the planet doesn’t have to participate, but I at least want them to go off in front of my crypt-like super-lair. In fact, I want Gandolph the Grey to be my pyrotechnician. If he’s not available, (I think he’s white now or something) I want George Lucas and all the employees if ILM to be my pyrotechnicians.

3) The 700 club must be taken off the air forever. And Pat Robertson will be forced to cross dress and drink excessively for the rest of his life. However, Jack Van Impe gets moved to prime time, because no other tele-evangelist can make me laugh like Mr. Van Impe and his trusty geriatric bimbo sidekick. That guy is the best kind of completely insane!

4) Gay people can get married. I don’t really care about gay people or their causes, I am just sick of hearing people whine about the issue, it’s over now. The gays win. Stop whining Christianity, it’s a brave new world out there. Are you ready for the apocalypse? Jack Van Impe is, maybe you should watch his program.

5) We’re gonna take all the money we were paying congress and the rest of Washington, and it’s all going towards better schools. And everyone in charge of a school in North Carolina looses their job and gets replaced by someone competent so maybe my home state won’t be full of idiots who didn’t learn jack when they should have. And in the place of the entire legislative branch of our government, will be me. I will put in my four hours a day of hard work and spend the next twenty or thirty years going through our laws and getting rid of all the dumb ideas. Because we don’t need more laws, we need less. And we don’t need a bigger government, we need a smaller one.

6) America, news flash: you are switching to the metric system like the rest of the world. It makes more sense and is much much easier to use. Stop being obstinant jack asses. Why are there 12 inches in a foot instead of ten? And why are inches broken down into fourths and eighths and sixteenths instead of a normal base ten measuring system? It’s idiotic. Stop it America.

7) Pick up your dogs poo, or get stripped and beaten in a public square. If any of your dogs poo ever ends up on the unsuspecting shoe, excuse me … spiked boot, of a certain Commander Supreme, you will be put to death and your dog will be Chinese food for my supper.

8 ) Black people have to wear at least half white at night. Well, this is mostly just for the thugs and general witless classless ignoramus’ that stain the otherwise respectable black community. No more of this all black attire. And you have to walk on the sidewalk, or at least near the side of the road. You may not have realized this, but unless you’re smiling real big, you’re invisible until you hit my bumper. And at this point, I wouldn’t slow down anyway, just walk on the side of the road like normal people or get run over, cause you’re pissing me off.

9) Movie previews have to accurately reflect both the general plot of the movie, and the general quality of the movie. You can’t take the only three funny lines from a chick flick, clip together a bunch of shots of chicks walking around, and pass it off as a college comedy. That’s called lying and it’s not cool. I fell for it with Boys and Girls, never again. Stop it Hollywood.

10) Toyota will be allowed to continue making the Camry. All other car companies will be required to discontinue any models that look exactly like the Camry. (ie: all car models currently sold in America) I like a little variety in my commute.

11) CEO’s of companies now make, on average, something like 300 times what their regular employees make. Under my reign the owners of companies will not be allowed to make more than 20 times what their average employee makes. with the exception of Arby’s, a chain run by the lowliest of scum in all the universe. The dregs of society will be forced to labor at Arby’s for little or no money, and if they continue taking forever to get me my jamocha shake, or they give out regular fries instead of curly fries, as their current regulations require apparently, they will be doused in kerosene and lit up with tasers. Also, speakers made with technology from some time in the last fifty years will replace the hand crafted audio scramblers they currently have in all drive throughs.

12) Christian “music” has lost their privilege to call themselves music anymore. From now on all Christian “music” will be referred to as ear torture of the propaganda persuasion. Or just “that unpleasant mess” for short. The same thing goes for all rap except Outkast and the Beastie Boys. And Everlast I guess.

13) Everyone at Revlon will be confined to their stations until they can reformulate all make up to smell less gross. I want it to smell like hickory smoke and beef jerky from now on. Because when I have my face close enough to smell make up, I want to enjoy myself. Sawdust would be a pretty sweet scent. Or pancakes. Yeah, chicks who smell like pancakes, now there’s a Utopian society. And guys, wash more. you just stink in general. And everyone, brush your teeth. In fact, go ahead and schedule four evenly spaced breaks during your work day which you will henceforth use to brush your teeth. Cause elevators are getting unbearable. The general public is starting to stink like a bunch of anime fans.

14) Welfare will be replaced by work camps. No more free rides. I’m not supporting any more poor people. I’m wicked poor and I never asked for a dime from the government, even when I was living in my car. From now on if you can’t/won’t get a job, yet you still want a check each month, you have to report for ten hours per day of labor in one of many new government work facilities. You will be provided with guaranteed work, and you will have the ability to support yourself and your family on a sparse income if you are willing to get off your lazy bum. Women will be assigned to help landscape, clean, and generally upkeep all government and public facilities. Men will construct new government and public facilities, as well as upkeep all roads and sidewalks. All prisoners will be put to constant labor for the good of society.

15) No more FCC. No censorship at all. You can either accept the fact that there are a lot of people who don’t want to follow the same moral code as you, and stop forcing them to, or you can move off the planet earth. If you don’t want you children being exposed to anything politically incorrect, crude, sexual, profane, or fun, then act like a parent and pay attention to what they are doing. And I’m personally going to force Tipper Gore to break every single one of her precious censorship laws on live national television, and get a parental advisory sticker tattooed on her face. You’re going down Tipper, you’re going down!

16) Cops will be required to take an anti-douchbag test to continue/begin in law enforcement, that way we can filter out the 99% of douchey cops who make the other honest and brave 1% look bad. Ok maybe that was a slight exaggeration, it could be more like 95/5 but whatever.

17) The greatest minds from around the world will be convened to try and divine some way to serve me good tasting coffee, quickly, cheaply, and somewhere below the average seven hundred degree standard that all food joints seem to have adopted. I actually do want to drink that-there coffee some time before noon jerk face, the whole point is to wake me up right now so I don’t punch my coworkers in the throat when they greet me with a chipper hello at seven in the freaking morning. In fact, hold on, …

18) No company shall ever open before the sun comes up. Think, what would Jesus do? If it’s too early for nature to wake up, I’m not gonna argue. God set the sunrise at a specific time each morning for a reason. Are you saying God is lazy? Cause he just might smite you if you do. And that’s not a chance I’m willing to take. If you don’t hate Jesus, and you don’t want to spit on the Holy God’s perfect plan for all creation, then don’t get up before the sun you smarmy workaholic.

19) If you are so fat that people have a hard time seeing the bottom of your two piece swim suit, wear a one piece. A loosely fitting canvas one piece that will keep you warm in the survival camp I’m sending all grossly obese people to to whip them into shape.

20) If you are on myspace, and you have no phone, and you want to use myspace to communicate with all your friends all the time, that is ok. But send messages to talk to them in stead of posting bulletins. You are wasting the limited space in my bulletin window that could be notifying me of crap I actually care about. Like anything besides o.O <l:-)> or whatever retarded other emoticons you figure out how to type. And never post a bulletin that says, “hey whrz everybdy at? Come chil” I hate that shite. I will never chil wit u again loser. In fact, I’m bombing your house just for wasting my time.

And I guess I’ll be posting my friends into positions of power. If any of you have any requests for new jobs in my New World Order, let me know, I’ll probably let you do whatever you want. Except you The Queen, you have to choose something that doesn’t involve changing any laws. You know what I’m talking about. Pick anything else and it’s all good.