Broccoli farts, she-hulks, donkeys, and honkey coons.

Well thirsty Thursday segued nicely into hangover Friday, which coincided with my ridiculously early start and long work day over on the coast. It wasn’t that bad though, everything went smoothly. I did have to spend several hours repairing a roof, and directly in the center of my work area was this big ass power line. I could crawl under it on one end, or jump over on the other, but that thing was making me nervous since it had enough juice running through it to power a five wide trailer. Darwin’s law kicked in and I managed to not electrocute myself.

We ended up going to this place called the Weyerhauser Paper Mill in Plymouth. If you are familiar with paper mills you will immediately know why working and breathing anywhere near one is unpleasant at best. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure let me explain. I’m not sure exactly what sort of science and biology goes into this little factoid, but paper mills smell a lot like farts. Huge gnarly hard liquor and broccoli farts. And it goes everywhere. You can’t escape the stench. And it’s not one of those smells that goes away after you get used to it. It sits there like some rabid squirrel perched just behind your eyes, occasionally flitting about digging in the soft pink earth of your mind to look for long forgotten stores of stank. Gah it was bad.

While on the road we stopped once for breakfast and once for lunch. Both times at Wendy’s. I got myself one of those new big breakfast sandwiches they’ve been hyping the shit out of. You know the ones that are “as big as your face” and “could hold you over all the way into the afternoon” and all that shit. Let me just say Dave Navarro is rolling over in his grave right now. (I know it wasn’t Dave Navarro, I just can’t remember the guys name, it was Dave something. Mr. Navarro will be our substitute corpse for the day) The big breakfast sandwich was mediocre at best. Not worth the money. But at lunch I got one of those new jalepeno double melt things. It was fucking awesome! I want one right now. Next time you’re at Wendy’s check that sucker out. And for those of you who don’t enjoy spicy food, the jalepenos are all flavor and no kick. It’s not spicy at all. Your candy ass palates are safe for the time being. Wimps.

And speaking of wimps, you know who isn’t a wimp? Hulk Hogan. That guy is bad ass. I drank eggs because of him. I was watching Hogan Knows Best and he had some super fan who won a contest and got to come chill with Hulk in his house. And Hulk made them both a big ass glass of raw eggs to eat before they worked out, and this fat tard barfed it all over the place. I think he even finished up barfing in the pool. I thought he was a total pussy, and I wanted to know how hard it would be to drink raw eggs. So I cracked some in a glass, three if memory serves, and chugged those incredible edible delights. Now I wouldn’t say that it was the tastiest beverage I’ve ever had, but it wasn’t that bad, and I would never have found out if it weren’t for Hulk Hogan.

Now, it turns out Hulk is getting a divorce from she-hulk. That’s a bummer I guess. But I get to derive entertainment from it, and he’s not a real person, he’s a celebrity right? Well my brother was listening to 96 Rock, our local radio station which kicks major ass and sucessfully Pwn3d every noob ass competitor in the listening area. Well this dude named Menut comes on and sings songs he writes about current events, and they’re always really funny, and this was no exception. This has to be one of the funniest he has ever come up with. Go give it a listen here, you will enjoy yourself.

And it’s getting about that time of year again. You know the time right? When people go bat shit crazy for a month and a half over Christmas. Our neighbors have their huge, gaudy decorations up, just large enough to attract Santa’s attention if he happens to be flying by … IN SPACE! We already have a radio station that is playing non stop Christmas music. Call me a grinch, but I don’t really like Christmas, and I absolutely hate Christmas music. The whole thing sucks. I like eggnog a lot though, so I deal with the rest of that shit.

Anyway so Sami, my sister-in-law, loooooooooooooves Christmas music. You might say, she even hearts it. So I woke up wicked hungover this morning noon, and the first thing I hear is Jingle Bells coming from the living room. GAH! No it can’t be? What the hell is that awful audio torture? Not holiday spirit! Not this early in the afternoon. Gah! Why me God? Take me now and spare me the torment! This is why emo’s exist God! Ahhhhhh! (moan moan, bitch bitch, etc) But I do have to give Sami credit for introducing me to Dominic the Donkey. I’ve never heard this particular diddy before now,a nd I have to say, nothing goes together quite like Christ’s birth, yankee Italians, and a fucking donkey! Wait, what the fuck. You are probably wondering why the hell there would be an Italian Christmas donkey. Well the answer is so that a bunch of yankees could get together and make this video, a comedic masterpiece if ever there were one.

Another craptastic factor to my waking up was the worst case of eye boogers I have ever had. Nate and Sami decided they no longer want a popcorn ceiling in the living room and so we tore all that down, mudded up the ceiling, and are in the process of sanding so we can repaint pretty much the entire house. I could explain it to you, but you will get the eye booger thing a lot better if I just show you, so without further adieu, let the show begin.

Hahahahaha, I’m a honkey coon! That cracks me up. But that’s enough racial slur jokes for now. Have a good weekend world. I’ll be here cleaning and working on this project, what exciting plans do you have?

A little post edit here, I always go back and reread my posts a while after I post them to make sure everything makes sense and isn’t retarded. And while I was doing so for this post, I took a gander at that there last photo and I’ll be damned if I don’t look mighty manly! I could so work with Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs.