Top five celebrity crushes: episode 1

Right on, so what to post about today. Well Friday we had wintry weather unexpectedly and the bridges and overpasses got covered in black ice leading to a plethora of accidents during the morning commute. People died. Highways were shut down. Life in North Carolina was pandemonium. Today I wake up with a weather forecast that calls for a high of 64 and the temperature outside is seventy. Clearly the next phase of our weather will either be fire and brimstone or locusts and frogs. Either way I’m not going outside. Screw that. If my life were a movie, somewhere there would be a theater full of black people screaming at the top of their lungs for my honky ass to stay inside where it’s safe. This time I appreciate their theater yelling and comply.

Also, I’m banned from the kitchen. You know that room where all the food and liquor is. Yeah, I can’t go in it because Sami just mopped. Well she didn’t just mop my stomach with something delicious, I’ll tell you that right now. So I’m starving and I want a shot, and I pretty much just have to sit here for a while. So I figured I would post. And today is my weekend, I’m headed out to the honky tonk club with Kenny B later tonight, and I’m just not in the mood for anything serious. So how can I write a post without actually thinking or using my mind? The same way I make all my decisions without thinking or using my mind. I’ll use my penis. (note: not for the actual typing, that would be slow and aggravating)

Recently Romi did a post about British man studs she was lusting after. I’ve been thinking about it and I really don’t have any one type of woman that I am attracted to. I would say that I like thick girls more than skinny girls, but I’ve dated both. No wait, never mind, I’ve never even hooked up with a skinny chick. I take that last one back, so now I have one thing that I like, and that’s some meat on the bones. And I sort of like brunette’s more, but there are some wicked hot blonde’s too. I would say pink hair is the hottest, but that’s really hard to find when you aren’t in high school, which is illegal for me now.

So I’m going to give you a crash course in a variety of celebrities that I find hot, and a few reasons why. That way you’ll have a head start on becoming like them, moving to NC and seducing me, which I am sure most of my female (and some male) readers are planning on doing.

1) Jenna Bush. That’s right Jenna Bush is wickedly hawt! First of all, her name is hot. She’s named after the best porn star ever, Jenna Jameson, and that glorious little snatch decoration, the bush. Now I realize that not all poons have a bush, some folks mow the lawn, but still it’s a hot name. Plus, she likes to party like her dad. Politics aside, everyone knows the Bush family likes to drink, and I do too, so that’s a big plus.

Secondly, there’s always the fantasy of hooking up with the other bush ladies, who aren’t really that attractive, but add a fun threesome element to the whole banging-the-president’s-daughter concept. Not to mention that if her genes are good, then when I pump her full of peasant seed she can class it up with some money and power and looks. And with wealth like that we can hire plenty of sexy Polynesian nannies to watch our kids while we sail the world in our gold yacht.

And then there’s the skanky side to Jenna. She fights, she wears hoochie outfits, and apparently, she even strips in public. Does it get any hotter? No, no it does not. I did not know that this picture existed, but thanks to this blog, my life is now a little bit fuller. If you are a perverted horn dog like myself, and you want to see the first daughters meat locker, click the picture for a link. Since this is a family friendly blog and shit, I didn’t think it would be appropriate to actually show the goods here, you understand.

Plus I think in this last photo she looks a lot like the next celebrity crush I’m going to segue into.

2) Elisha Cuthbert. Ok, she is Jack Bauers daughter, and everyone knows Jack Bauer is the most bad ass dude who has ever lived. He easily rivals Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Plus she played a porn star in the girl Next Door.

Again, there’s plenty of good shots of her neked, or mostly neked or fake neked. It seems that all celebrities have naked shots. Hmm, something I’ll have to investigate closer. And as you can see from the next photo, she’s one of those really friendly chicks who are for some reason, harder to find than one would think.

3) Amanda Tapping. More commonly known as Samantha Carter from Stargate: SG1. Do I love her because she’s incredibly hot, maybe. Do I love her because she’s patriotic?

Yes, most definately. God bless America. Do I secretly love her because I’m one of those weird creepy convention going scifi fans? As Teal’c would say, Indeed.

4) Monica Bellucci: You remember the Merovingian’s wife from the Matrix two? well I do cause she had this insane dress on that pushed her boobies up to her chin and quite possibly crushed her pelvis.

I’m not even going to explain why that is sexy. It’s a no brainier. I would like to point out that apparently in Europe she’s some kind of supermodel, and since Europe wasn’t founded by a bunch of bible thumping prudes they are all cool with the massive amount of nude photos she’s taken. It’s nuts really, I’m a big Bellucci fan. Especially this picture which manages to be somehow perfectly clean and insanely mind meltingly vulgar at the same time.

5) Rachel Ray. Come on! She’s so incredibly hot. She cooks. All the fucking time! She’s like a tiny little super sexy cooking machine. and there’s not much that will get me turned on more than a chick who loves to cook. I love cooking. I love eating. And I especially love cooking with a girl. God I love it. I’ve heard a lot of women talk shit about Rachel Ray because they think the only reason she has a career is because men like her. Well you know what, maybe if you got off you jealous ugly asses and cooked some good fucking food once in a great while, and maybe had sex more than once a year, men would like you too. Here’s some photos from the spread that the angelic Ms. Ray did for FHM magazine.