Em

So I wanted to post a little sooner, and try to let everyone know what the dealio is with me and my uber importante life, but alas, I was all bogged down with things I had to take care of in that pesky old real world. So now instead of a lengthy buildup, with many a cliffhanger, laughter and tears, suspense and action, you just get a quick post updating, A big event has happened in my life. The woman I love is …. HERE IN NORTH CAROLINA!!!!! Booyah bitches, I got some tang! She came down Friday night, and will be staying here till next Sunday.

Let’s be real though, most of what we’ve done since she got here has been x-rated material that you don’t really want to hear about anyway, so instead of boring you with how we sat around and looked into each others eyes a lot in between the sex marathons, here are some pictures.

Here I am picking her up at the bus station. She traveled by bus so she could cross the border without a passport. Long story short, I was way too busy thinking about laying her down to remember to give her the rose I have in my pocket. Oops. She got it later, along with the other eleven. Everything worked out alright. And I know what you’re thinking, that’s a mighty classy shirt selection for the first time you get to see your woman. It’s true, I spent minutes upon minutes debating which shirt I should wear, and wisely turned down the “I’m with Stupid” shirt I first picked out. Although it would have been funny as shit, for me, it wouldn’t have been so funny for her, which wouldn’t have been funny at all for little Josh, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

After taking her out for a nice dinner at McDonalds, I promptly took her back to the house and got her liquored up. Two fifths of Jose Quervo and a roofie or five later, we broadcast our first love making live on German fetish websites across the internet. Most of the burns have healed, but I still can’t get the donkey hair off the mattress.

If anyone can tell me where I have seen a dress just like this, please let me know. I keep thinking maybe Scoobie Doo, or the Flinstones, but I googled them, and it’s not quite right. Either way, she looks Florida grove gorgeous and absolutely glowing from the magic I laid on her the night/morning before.

Well I was going to try and explain how this made sense at the time, and it wasn’t just bat shit crazy from mixing tequila, beer, and Jager-bombs, but while Google image searching “pineapple man” I found two CRAZY things. First of all, let me introduce you to Table Heads, the fucked-up-est thing I’ve seen for a long time. I swear to god, if I ever see one of these people in real life, They had better hope they can duck back under that table faster than I can connect my fist with their face. Fuckin weirdos. Also, apparently there’s a comic book super hero named Pineapple Man. Apparently the comic book industry has used every good idea ever.

She’s my sweet little thing, she’s my pride and joy. She’s my sweet little baby, and her ears are crooked which makes her glasses cover one of her eyes in every picture. Stevie Ray eat your heart out.

No, we aren’t rednecks. We didn’t really put a kiddie pool in the living room to cool off. We put it rail to rail on the back deck like classy people. Jebus. Also, I realize that whoever made this kiddie pool probably didn’t really think much about the print, but REALLY? You couldn’t have hired a drunk second grader to draw you up a better jungle scene? Shit like that bugs me. Just not in this picture, cause I look pretty happy here. Two thumbs up happy in fact.

Side note: I have a wicked case of hitchhikers thumb. lame.

As you can clearly tell from this picture, when she farted on my chest, it stunk waaaaay more than when I farted on her belly, or her neck. This does not please me. I don’t like having the masculinity of my digestion challenged by some random Canuck beyotch. Eff that.

But then she soothed my bruised manhood (as in my id/masculine psyche, not my wiener) with a kiss and a gentleness she’s blessed with.

This was the last shot I took before I got swept away again by this wonderful woman. I can’t wait to post again and let you all know how my time-of-my-life vacation went. For now I’m too focused on soaking in every moment with the girl of my dreams. I hope each and every one of you gets a partner as romantic, loving, freaky, and funny as the one I have found. (By the way it took great amounts of finagling to convince her to let me post this picture on the internet, but in the end, my sweet God-like love making skills won her over. Still working on a few others. )

Oh, by the way, we got liquored up this weekend, and I thought it would be funny as hell to change our Facebook status to “engaged”. Emeralds best friend Talea told me not to go marrying her or knocking her up while she was down here, and I thought I would show her what happens when she tells me what to do. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry Talea, didn’t realize you would actually freak out in a real way, but it was still hysterical. But we aren’t really engaged, so sorry to anyone who still thinks that we are. (BTW, my friends are apparently not total suckers like … you know who’s!) Adios people, see you when I am not busy getting mad crazy loving.

The Top Ten Music Videos Ever

I’ve got a bone to pick with the music industry and the alleged artists who work for it. My problem is, at the moment, with the insane amount of crappy music videos that are being produced. Actually, that really applies to the entire music industry, as well as all other media, but let’s just stick to music videos for today. I have to believe that I’m not the only guy out there who thinks that MTV sucks. They used to be cool when they played music, but now they suck. However after watching a few hours of music videos the other week, I realized that even if they did play music, they would still suck. Why is this? Because music videos are by and large collosal pieces of shit.

I could rant and rave all day long about the many, many, many reasons that the music industry has been spoon feeding us sorry ass BS for our whole lives, but instead of focusing on the negative side of the issue (cause let’s be real, everyone knows it’s true if they stop and think about it) I decided to put together a definitive list of the best music videos that have ever been conceived.

I have worked on this post for two(ish) weeks, and have searched the internet high and low to bring you my list. I carefully searched through multiple top 100 music video lists, through books and magazines, and checked out the marijuana enthusiast forums across the globe. I have seen hundreds and hundreds of music videos. I’ll tell you this though, I figured finding ten really good videos would be easy, but I had no idea how much good stuff is out there that I had forgot, or just never heard of. I’ve found dozens of new artists I like that I had never heard before I started this. And when it came time to pick my ten I had a really tough time narrowing it down. I found a shit ton of good videos, and I will definitely be doing this again. I excluded Thriller, and I Believe in a Thing Called Love because I already threw them up on this blog, and everyone knows those are the coolest music videos ever anyway. And there is no way I could really pick the top ten of all time,

so, here we go, in no particular order besides my personal preference which is always correct, I present to you the …

(my) TOP TEN MUSIC VIDEOS EVER RIGHT NOW

10 – Rob Dougan: Clubbed to Death

What does it mean? Is he traveling backwards through time, or is he ascending to another level of consciousness? Is he trying to prevent a disaster, or is he showing the way for the little girl as she begins her own transformation? I don’t know whether this music video was made before or after the Matrix, but the similarities are obvious. Not that I care, running through slow-motion-backward-people, fast enough to set a damn road on fire is cool enough for me. Not to mention the power of explosion-flight.

9) My Chemical Romance: The Black Parade

Ok, I admit, My Chemical Romance is one of my guilty pleasures. I know they’re emo, so what, Freddie Mercury was gay too, and he still rocked. I thought the whole song was expertly put together into the kind of massive production that made Pink Floyd and Metallica famous. That damn hook at the beginning has been stuck in my head for days and days. In fact, My Chemical Romance routinely makes excellent videos for their music, and this video had a really great concept behind it. A father gives his son the destiny of being a leader for “the broken, the beaten and the damned”, and at the end of his life he gets greeted by a parade of the dead, there to celebrate his life, give him a medal as their savior, and lead him into the afterlife. Or maybe it was just the kick ass skeleton vest uniforms, or Gerard Way’s blatantly homoerotic face.

8 ) Green Day: Warning

Two words: fucking hilarious. Running with scissors, staring at the sun, putting yoru head right next to the microwave, eating raw meat. What true bachelor hasn’t done all these things. If it were possible to giggle in a manly way, this video would make me do it. Screw safety, and screw following the rules, and screw authority. Except mine.

7) The Avalanches: Frontier Psychiatrist

This one is a brain ninja. At first you might not completely grasp how incredibly kick ass it is, but later, maybe tomorrow, it will jump back in your head, and you won’t be able to think about anything else. And how cool was that old man-turtle? or the ghost choir? Or the friggin monkey dancing with the bird? Very my friends, it was very cool.

6) Fatboy Slim: Praise You

It’s got dancing retards. I shouldn’t have to explain why this is awesome. But for those of you who are wondering why I didn’t use Weapon of Choice, since Christopher Walken dancing through the air in a hotel is clearly the coolest thing ever? Well it’s because I mentioned this video to Emerald and she said she didn’t like it because it made her uncomfortable, and whenever I have the opportunity to make people as jaded as Em uncomfortable with retards, I take it.

5) The White Stripes: Seven Nation Army

Ok, if you’re on drugs, and you really should be before you read this blog, this video kicks a lot more ass, but it still rocks even without the psychotropics. In fact the White stripes as a whole kick ass. Frankly, not many people can do as much with two people and three colors. Plus they like Conan O’Brian, and Meg White is hawt! Here the White stripes ask you what could be cooler than black and red triangles of exploding rock poses? A seven nation army made of fucking skeletons, that’s what. They thought silhouettes were cool before iPod and Frank Miller did. Chew on that bitches.

Editors note: Meg White is only hot when she is really dolled up. Apparently without makeup she magically transforms into Janis Joplin’s much uglier sister who smashes walls down with her face.

4) The Gorillaz: Clint Eastwood

Dude, cartoon zombie gorillas, with a Thriller reference, for real. And for those of you who don’t know, this song is about weed. Not just the sunshine in a bag part, the whole damn song. Back in the day I sat and broke down every single verse of the song, and every frame of animation, and compiled it into one giant summary explaining how this song was all about pot and how awesome it is. Sadly, I lost my copy over the years, but I might try and explain it to you one day. For now trust me when I say that people who use cartoon zombie gorillas in their music videos probably smoke a lot of it.

3) Junior Senior: Move your feet

I dare you to match this music video and not start dancing. It’s impossible, it’s just too much fun. Not to mention, I totally want a button in my house, which when pressed will summon a singing, dancing robot. Also, here’s fun, gather the whole family around the computer, just like the old timey pilgrims did, and play an old Baptist game called “count the sexual euphemisms”.

2) The Chemical Brothers: Get Yourself High

If this video hasn’t kicked your ass straight into a multiple eyegasm by the time you see the boom box, you should just stop whatever you’re doing, and check your pulse to make sure you aren’t dead. And not cool dead, like a zombie, or a vampire, or a ghost, but lame dead, like Hootie’s music career. It’s a friggin kung fu movie man, with genius special effects. This is actually the video that inspired this whole post. I want to chop this video into fine powder, then mix it with coke and gunpowder, light it on fire, and inject it straight into my balls, because surely I would grow forty feet (taller) and become some kind of warlord with a harem of flexible, energetic, and wildly experimental nymphos.

#1) Muse: Knights of Cydonia

Holy, hell damn, shit fire, that’s without a doubt the fuckin coolest music video that has ever been made, ever. I can’t even begin to describe what was so cool about it, because as soon as I think of one scene, I get a huge boner, and all the adrenaline in my body is released at once, and I start jumping around filled with the holy ghost and transform into a fucking cowboy who knows karate, has a laser gun, and bangs how women by kicking their ass at games of chance, then letting them slap me till they’re naked, then rescues them from filthy law men at the gallows by shooting the law with laser ricochets that kill you 70’s style, then rides into the sunset past a robot on a fuckin motocross bike. Everything else on earth is lame compared to this music video, and now that I’ve seen it, I can die happy.

So anyway, that’s my top ten pick for right now, what are your favorite music videos?