So I wanted to post a little sooner, and try to let everyone know what the dealio is with me and my uber importante life, but alas, I was all bogged down with things I had to take care of in that pesky old real world. So now instead of a lengthy buildup, with many a cliffhanger, laughter and tears, suspense and action, you just get a quick post updating, A big event has happened in my life. The woman I love is …. HERE IN NORTH CAROLINA!!!!! Booyah bitches, I got some tang! She came down Friday night, and will be staying here till next Sunday.

Let’s be real though, most of what we’ve done since she got here has been x-rated material that you don’t really want to hear about anyway, so instead of boring you with how we sat around and looked into each others eyes a lot in between the sex marathons, here are some pictures.

Here I am picking her up at the bus station. She traveled by bus so she could cross the border without a passport. Long story short, I was way too busy thinking about laying her down to remember to give her the rose I have in my pocket. Oops. She got it later, along with the other eleven. Everything worked out alright. And I know what you’re thinking, that’s a mighty classy shirt selection for the first time you get to see your woman. It’s true, I spent minutes upon minutes debating which shirt I should wear, and wisely turned down the “I’m with Stupid” shirt I first picked out. Although it would have been funny as shit, for me, it wouldn’t have been so funny for her, which wouldn’t have been funny at all for little Josh, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

After taking her out for a nice dinner at McDonalds, I promptly took her back to the house and got her liquored up. Two fifths of Jose Quervo and a roofie or five later, we broadcast our first love making live on German fetish websites across the internet. Most of the burns have healed, but I still can’t get the donkey hair off the mattress.

If anyone can tell me where I have seen a dress just like this, please let me know. I keep thinking maybe Scoobie Doo, or the Flinstones, but I googled them, and it’s not quite right. Either way, she looks Florida grove gorgeous and absolutely glowing from the magic I laid on her the night/morning before.

Well I was going to try and explain how this made sense at the time, and it wasn’t just bat shit crazy from mixing tequila, beer, and Jager-bombs, but while Google image searching “pineapple man” I found two CRAZY things. First of all, let me introduce you to Table Heads, the fucked-up-est thing I’ve seen for a long time. I swear to god, if I ever see one of these people in real life, They had better hope they can duck back under that table faster than I can connect my fist with their face. Fuckin weirdos. Also, apparently there’s a comic book super hero named Pineapple Man. Apparently the comic book industry has used every good idea ever.

She’s my sweet little thing, she’s my pride and joy. She’s my sweet little baby, and her ears are crooked which makes her glasses cover one of her eyes in every picture. Stevie Ray eat your heart out.

No, we aren’t rednecks. We didn’t really put a kiddie pool in the living room to cool off. We put it rail to rail on the back deck like classy people. Jebus. Also, I realize that whoever made this kiddie pool probably didn’t really think much about the print, but REALLY? You couldn’t have hired a drunk second grader to draw you up a better jungle scene? Shit like that bugs me. Just not in this picture, cause I look pretty happy here. Two thumbs up happy in fact.

Side note: I have a wicked case of hitchhikers thumb. lame.

As you can clearly tell from this picture, when she farted on my chest, it stunk waaaaay more than when I farted on her belly, or her neck. This does not please me. I don’t like having the masculinity of my digestion challenged by some random Canuck beyotch. Eff that.

But then she soothed my bruised manhood (as in my id/masculine psyche, not my wiener) with a kiss and a gentleness she’s blessed with.

This was the last shot I took before I got swept away again by this wonderful woman. I can’t wait to post again and let you all know how my time-of-my-life vacation went. For now I’m too focused on soaking in every moment with the girl of my dreams. I hope each and every one of you gets a partner as romantic, loving, freaky, and funny as the one I have found. (By the way it took great amounts of finagling to convince her to let me post this picture on the internet, but in the end, my sweet God-like love making skills won her over. Still working on a few others. )

Oh, by the way, we got liquored up this weekend, and I thought it would be funny as hell to change our Facebook status to “engaged”. Emeralds best friend Talea told me not to go marrying her or knocking her up while she was down here, and I thought I would show her what happens when she tells me what to do. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry Talea, didn’t realize you would actually freak out in a real way, but it was still hysterical. But we aren’t really engaged, so sorry to anyone who still thinks that we are. (BTW, my friends are apparently not total suckers like … you know who’s!) Adios people, see you when I am not busy getting mad crazy loving.