If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that most of the funnest things available in life are only available when you put absolutely no consideration into how they will affect your future and completely forget any lessons you may have learned in the past.

For instance, building a surfboard to ski behind a forklift at work. This is an incredibly fun activity, on my cool list of things to do right in between fireworks-gunfights and eating that really good looking food you forgot to put in the fridge, two days ago. And despite all my mothers warnings, I have never killed myself. I’ve never even lost an eye. (but don’t count me out yet, I’d look fucking awesome in an eye-patch) Any kind of forethought would point out that combining extreme sports with heavy machinery could be dangerous, but who gives a crap, because surfing on gravel is fun, especially when you’re getting paid to do it. Unfortunately we live in a day and age where people like my boss have a hard time grasping that concept, and expressly forbid people like me from ever attaching anything to the forklift to ride again.

This is why I’ve decided to time travel. I think the present is limiting my options, and fuck that. Nobody limits my options and gets away with it. Whole wheat bread tried to limit my flavor options once, so I drop kicked it into the sun, and that is why whole wheat bread no longer exists.

But since I’ve decided to travel through time, I’ve been considering some of the more complicated moral consequences. I mean it could be dangerous in a bad way. And before you get started, no I do not mean changing the past and erasing yourself by altering history. That’s impossible, trust me, I did the math. (my apologies to Back To The Future, which although now disproven was still an entertaining series of movies)

First off, if I travel back in time and get it on with myself, is that gay sex or masturbation? I’ve asked a number of people now and the general consensus is that anal and oral would constitute gay sex, because either way at some point in time you either have to gobble some meat or get your shit pushed in. However, traveling back in time and giving yourself a handjob would be ok, because that’s really just a complicated version of the stranger. Finger up the ass during a handjob would be pushing it, but that really just depends on how you feel about prostate stimulation, which isn’t a time dilemma, just a moral dilemma.

Honestly, I could probably just travel back in time and ask Jesus what he thought. Except, he made a lot of really bad decisions on a survival scale, so I’d probably just go back to see him turn water into wine. I have drank a lot of booze, but I’ve never had any magic booze. And then I could get a shirt that said “WWJD – What Would Jesus Drink”, and it would have a picture of me and him taking some wicked wine bongs at that wedding. It would be cool. Except, I imagine that magic wine is extra potent, so I might get too smashed and end up traveling back even farther in time and banging Mary. And they didn’t have birth control back then, so with my luck I’d end up being Mary’s babies daddy, and honestly I’m just not responsible enough to be God. On second thought maybe I should just avoid all those Bible times.

I think it would be cool to go back in time with a tank and screw up other peoples wars. Like the civil war! Fuck the north, the south will rise again bitches! Plus it would be cool to live in South America. (please don’t correct me on this one, I know the south didn’t name themselves south America, just go with it) Would I use my powers for good and try to stop wars? Hells no, I would go win them in rampant orgies of blood and death rained down by yours truly! Not only would that be fun, but i would have the added advantage of getting to battle the inevitable time cops, and I’ve always wanted to kill a cop.

You may be asking yourself, “Now I know he solved the whole time space continuum thing, but how in the world did he afford a tank?” I’m glad you asked. I would also travel both forwards and backwards in time stealing from the government and the rich, and making amazing investments. I don’t think I would give to the poor, because I like poor people just the way they are, but I would give to myself. And depending on how much spare time I had, I would either start the worlds first completely realistic and artificially intelligent sex doll company using robot slaves from the future, or I would cure world hunger.

Which leads me to another moral time dilemma. If I can travel through time can I live forever? Would I continue aging in the past and future having only eighty or so years of life to experience in whatever order I want, or could I find a way to cheat death? At the very least I’m pretty sure I could get some bad ass medicine from the future to keep me alive longer.

And lastly, if I travel back in time and bang hot chicks, does that count as cheating? Because technically if I go far enough from the present date my woman will either be dead or not born yet, and I’m kind of thinking Uschi Digart would be fun.

Uschi Digart: the Sistine Chapel of tits