Early campaign polling decided today that Donald Trump will be our next president, a full year and a half before we had to go to elections. I guess the only question is if Trump-care will cover the cost of the therapy we will need after 5.5 years of conspiracy theories and smear campaigns, which begins tomorrow with coverage of the 2016 presidential race. (But as is my way, I have begun coverage even more prematurely than other networks because I know America, and if there’s one thing we never get sick of, it’s pointless bickering and hearing me talk and elections) Early polling suggests Al Gore’s spirit medium leading for the libs and a life size printout of the Monopoly Man for the GOP.
Rush Limbaugh dropped a bomb on his listeners when he formally endorsed the medium after discovering he was actually richer and whiter than his cartoon counterpart, but only convinced 18% of his audience to abandon their pre-fabricated political opinions if favor of his new insights because 82% of them fell asleep while waiting for their nurses to bring them more butterscotch hard candies and a fresh oxygen tank. Rachel Maddow on the other hand set a new world record for witty and poignant comments in a five minute news segment which probably would have raised America’s collective consciousness and beckoned us into a glorious new era of utopian values and world peace, but unfortunately only John Stewart’s interns saw any of it because she works at the bottomless pit of boredom more commonly known as MSNBC.
Among the many hot topics for this campaign is the dreary economy. With headlines telling the sad tale of the last home in America being foreclosed on, and unemployment up this month to 732%, many folks on main street are wondering just where to look for help with their financial woes. The Monopoly Man’s plan for rekindling the sweet flame of American excess and wealth lies in a savvy combination of burning poor people to power new military bases and overseeing nigh-omnipotent corporations with what he has titled, “the honor system”. In a strange twist of irony the progressive candidate countered the Monopoly Man with his new plan to print worthless money but make it more colorful so nobody would realize he wants to spend six times the net profits of Earth on additional welfare benefits which would reward the uneducated for having as many children as possible, and set aside significant funding for a massive ad campaign pleading with voters to both forget how math works and ignore the fact that nobody gives a crap about the underlying social problems that cause multiple-generation poverty cycles in the first place.
Meanwhile in San Francisco, the spirit medium had to drop out of the race completely to spend his days tazering joggers and bikers who carelessly stomp around the trails of his local park where he was pretty sure he saw an endangered lizard last week. Sources close to him suspect a nervous breakdown due to his realization that wind energy might be causing global air stagnation due to the exploitation of free range wind by windmills. Many American socialists hope the spirit medium will be replaced in the race by Anderson Cooper’s Twitter account, but it only leads by three points, followed closely by the general inability of the left to congeal into an effective political unit or agree on anything ever. Conservatives have taken all of this as a sign that American Jesus is on their side in this election, and are super excited that he will obviously be backing their holy war against the ignorant and violent Muslim jihadists.
This has been a Broken News Update, for MSFOX, this is Josh wishing you all good luck and good grief with the coming election.