Best Halloween Ever! Not a single arrest.


Ok, so Blogger pissed me off too bad and I decided to move here to the alleged blogging eden of WordPress. If the word on the street is anything to go by I will automatically seem ten times cooler, my wang will double in size, and WordPress escorts will come blow me whenever I get writers block, which will never happen because WordPress will write my blogs for me and make them interesting and witty. Sounds good to me, I’m all about seeming cooler than I am and getting hypothetical blowjobs.

I’m not going to do the whole introduction blog thing because 1) I already did, here, and 2) introduction blogs are always boring as shit and nobody reads them or cares who the hell I am. I’m skipping right to the Halloween blog I’ve been trying to get up on Blogspot but have not due to those clowns simultaneously sucking and blowing.

Let’s see, Uh Halloween was the shit. Not actual Halloween, but the weekend before hand. I have a complete set up on my Myspace page. I started things off with a brief appearance at my friend Sara’s party on Friday night. I say brief because, well that’s what it was. My brother and sister-in-law left right after they dropped me off because Sami got really sick and needed to go rest. I decided to stay and go home with my really good friends Kato and Rachel, but they only stayed for a short while because Rachel’s little sister and her friend got into town from the beach and we needed to let her in and welcome them after their long drive. That was fine with me because she’s super hot and I wanted to hit on her we were going to see most of the people the next day at Rach and Kato’s party. Here I am with Sara as an emo school girl, isn’t she adorable?

Another notable thing from that party was the three folks who came dressed as Two Face, Cat Woman, and Poison Ivy, from Batman. You can see them here, minus Poison Ivy. I didn’t have a good pic of the trio. I’m glad they came in different outfits the next evening, and I’ll explain that later.

So anyway, we headed back to their trailer and everybody got drunk(er) and a good time was had by all. Unfortunately my visiting lady friend only stayed up for an hour or so before she hit the sack. I did make sure to sprawl out on the couch as soon as she was gone so I got to sleep there and her friend had to take the chair. Ha ha ha ha ha! Suck it I win!

Anyway, here’s a good one from the night we did our make up and wardrobe run through and bloodied the shit out of our costumes. Please note the serious expression on Sami’s face as she contemplates blowing her brother-in-law’s head off. You know how us clowns are, always jokin’ around.

Here you will see our handiwork after we completely covered the deck and back door with blood splatter. Why you ask? Because it was fucking awesome and once you start spraying blood you won’t want to stop, that’s why. Also, a side note to anyone interested in applying Bucket-O-Blood to their person or abode: It is water soluble, but it will stain your body and clothing and deck. Also it feels really really real, just so you know.

Here’s Sami and Nate looking wicked bad ass as Baby Firefly and Otis Driftwood from the devils rejects. Nate had a wig and a metal mask he made to finish the outfit, but much like my beard, they didn’t stay on long due to their being a total pain in the scrotum. Also Sami would like me to report that her face isn’t retarded looking all the time, she just ended up with a lot of goofy looking pics from her actual appearance that night.

Here’s the three of us together. If you haven’t gotten this yet, we are the Devil’s Rejects. If you haven’t seen the movie go watch it right now. Seriously, before you finish this blog or do anything else. It will change you life. I didn’t believe Rob Zombie when I heard him in an interview saying the Devil’s Rejects was grittier and more gruesome than House of 1000 Corpses. Then I saw the movie and it raped my in the eyes and impregnated me with little baby fuckingawesomebadass spawn. I like how we couldn’t decide on some sort of facial expression theme and just covered the bases. Also featured in the photo: one side of my sexy vampire lady friend, one inflatable tit, one mystery arm, and Michael Myers face.

And here was my highlight for the evening. My lovely lady friend who decided last minute to be a sexy vampire instead of a sexy zombie. And while I really wanted to make out with a zombie specifically, I had no real complaints about the wardrobe change. Turns out red fishnet body stockings (that’s right, all the way up the belly!) and blood galore get my blood pumping just as well as rotting corpses.

Here’s me next to her, reclined. Cause that’s how I roll. Evil clowns can do whatever they want dammit! Also I just noticed the glass piece sitting on the table there. Uh just disregard that and pretend I am a respectable member of society who definately doesn’t love illegal drugs and who never ever associates with the shady denizens of the seamy black market underbelly of America. For realsies, I’m wicked law abiding and shit.

I like this next picture because it gives me the completely false image of being a charmer of the ladies. I assure you this is not the case, but I like to pretend. Btw, not that anyone cares, but that’s Cat Woman over there on the left, just now she’s eighties groupie or something. I don’t really know. In fact she dresses like that a lot, so it wasn’t really a costume, but she looked good so everyone let it slide.

Take a close look at my teeth. You notice the crud? Nice huh? Yeah that was at the first party. Nate and Sami went out and bought me some crap called tooth wax. They should have named it “Total Ass” because that’s what it tasted like. I don’t know what sort of deranged sadist invented that shit but I want to karate chop his nads for bottling it and selling it. God, your teeth stick to your lips so they end up curled up and you cant shut your mouth like a normal fucking person. And when you finally drool enough to lube up your pearly blacks, the taste sets in. Just imagine sucking on a pen while chewing some spackle, and you would be in the ball park. The teeth were a nice touch, but fuck that shit, it’s not wort it.

So anyway, you remember how I said I was glad the Batman crew didn’t show up in all their comic book glory? Well that’s cause I won the mother fucking costume contest bitches! Hell yeah, I am better than your face! Since this is america and all, we did the whole “throw your vote in a hat and Rachel will count that shit up for everyone” democracy deal. None of that clapping for the best person bull shit, or judges pick, hell no. And I totally won. But I deserved that shit hard core, I looked scary as hell. I got a twenty dollar gift certificate to Spencers. And bragging rights. Plus I was vindicated for the Halloween a few years ago when I was totally winning the costume contest at the bar of ours, and some prick with an Optimus Prime costume that had MOVING FUCKING PARTS walked in at the last god damn minute and totally stole that shit right out from under my nose.

Not to mention I got to see my lady friend, which is nice because it is infrequent. So I got a little lovin and affection, which I always enjoy. All in all the best Halloween ever. By the time Halloween actually rolled around we all said fuck it and stayed home. We were going to go to Chapel Hill for the huge Franklin Street party they throw every year. And then we decided to go walk down Hillsborough street and hit every bar along the way, because it was closer. But after work we were all really tired, so we handed out candy to the kids. Piles and piles of fucking kids. Apparently every kid in Wake county comes to our damn neighborhood. We ended up spending almost fifty bucks just on candy. And those candy grubbing terrors got all of it. Fuckers.

Anyway, because you know you want it, one more picture of me with the vampire. Please note that I did not intend to look like some new school AFI fag with eye liner and make up and shit. Turns out that cleaning off make up is really hard, especially when you use rubbing alcohol to clean off your eyes. Kids: never do that. Ever. Seriously, there’s no joke there, it fucking hurts really bad. Really, really, incredibly, horribly bad.

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9 responses to “Best Halloween Ever! Not a single arrest.

  1. Ah, the sexy vampire or the sexy zombie, it’s always SO VEXING trying to pick the right costume. I think she made the right choice, the drippy mouth-blood really pulls the whole thing together. I also highly approve of your holsters, every clown should have some.

  2. Haha…nice halloween recap. So yo, welcome to WordPress; I linked your brand new ass to my blog, hope you liked it 😉

    PS: tooth wax sounds terrible; is it bad if my teeth already look like that and I don’t use tooth wax???…..

  3. Best first fucking post Ive read . . Fine, fine job there.

  4. Dude…Did you bang her with the clown make-up on?….

    I didn’t do any thing this halloween….It was a bummer….

  5. wow im ur first comment! aside from the one from mr blogger that you didnt delete. i like this blog better, i gave up reading your old one it was too hard to read. i checked out ur myspace. that to was hard to read but i stayed to listen to distured.

    i dont get halloween aye.. its not so big over here.

    also.. keep the eyeliner on from your last pic.. it suits you… i would say more but i am afraid of vampire girls lol

    OMG THATS IT you remind me of the freaky dude from disturbed! AHAHA…
    tootle pip and enjoy your times at wordpress.

  6. TAG! your it! you must go to my blog and do my thing…
    or i will come and get you.. mwahahahahahahaha…

  7. Hello, Josh, glad to meet you on your squeaky new site. Sorry for not commenting sooner but until I get home, I’m finding it pretty pricy to reach out to anyone I don’t lovely, dovey, wove. But here I am reaching out to you … as close as an old lady can get to giving you a hypothetical blowjob. Thank you for the recommendation re Devil’s Rights. Guess I missed that one; clearly a reason to hurry home. The original Invasion of the Body Snatchers was enough to do me in. Regards, my dear, and to Stephanie, too. Oh, and why do you only see your lady friend infrequently?

  8. Romi: Yes it is bad. Go brush your teeth. I will be happy to inspect them when you think you are finished. Dental hygiene is vital to civilized life. (yes I know you were kidding, right?)

    Red: Word up thanks dude.

    King Steve: No, the clown make up was pissing me off. I took it off before I banged her. But I did make out whilst the make up was still on.

    LonelyGirl21: Sorry I just like dark pages. I will try and keep this one lighter so you can read it without getting splitting migraines. Uh, make up? Hell to the no. It’s gone. But I’m glad it suits me, sweet deal. Also, tag accepted, see you over there in a little while.

    Linda: Howdy little lady, good to see you over here. My bad for not visiting all the time. I do miss your eloquent, yet often depressing posts. I will be over in a jiffy. Seriously though, don’t watch the Devil’s Rejects if you don’t like scary movies. It’s hard core.

  9. very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
    Idetrorce

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