Stupid ass feelings dammit!


Ah finally, a little while to sit alone and write up a post I’ve been mulling over for a month or so. Nate and Sami are out and about, and I have the topic freshly stirred up in the mud water in my head.

Women folk. What a general mine field you ladies are. A lovely, confusing, adorable, heart wrenching minefield of love and hate and all sorts of mushy emotions that do things inside me I am not at all comfortable expressing. I posted some pictures of Sarah, my vampire lady friend at Halloween, on my last blog. We’re freshly dating, and it’s great. And awful. But still great. I don’t get to see her very often because she lives three and a half hours away on the coast. She used to live here, and says she wants to move back when she gets up some money, but I take all that with a grain of salt.

She came up over the weekend because her friend had to go to the N.C. Museum of Art for a class project, and that’s right here in good ‘ol Raleigh. I actually enjoy the museum, but I’ve been there a bunch of times already, and unless you fork out dough to go see the special exhibits, it’s always the same. Still, it’s cool to look at Monet’s and egyptian sarcophagus’ (sarcophagi?) and ancient greek statues and all that good shit.

Now I was pleasantly surprised when I first realized that Sarah was interested in me. My life hasn’t exactly been one long Motley Crue song, you know? When I was younger, I was just a total dork. I was happy as a dork, but chicks don’t start liking dorks until some time around college. Then in high school I broke out of my shell and mastered the art of the party. So from then on I was everybody’s friend, but never anyone’s girlfriend. Every year or so some naive chick who didn’t know me very well would get interested, and we’d date once or twice, but I never made any relationship last more than three weeks until recently.

My last girlfriend was quite an interesting experience. I actually went on a blind date with her because my good friend Angry Johny Boulders told me he didn’t think I could handle her. And of course I had to prove him wrong, it’s a family trait. My brother Nate started dating his wife because someone in their class said he could never get a girl like her. Never start a pissing contest with my family, we will win. But back to the last woman to leave me, she was a real pistol. She was wild and had a very strong and opinionated personality. She was a yankee who had lived in NY City and picked up all the in your face attitude that comes along with their culture. And she was a bank manager, so she was pretty classy too. We were sort of an odd couple. The construction worker and the banker. The southern man and the yankee.

It was a two month whirlwind relationship, but every bit as slam packed with drama and emotions as anyone could boast. I really loved her, and it cut me deep when she left me. She left me unexpectedly, after a special evening I had spent days in preparation for, and with no real reason for doing so. That was a little over six months ago and still to this day I get upset thinking about it. She hurt me. Bad. I joke around about men being born without tear ducts, and being incapable of feeling pain, but the truth is that women can hurt us very very badly, and because we never talk about any of it, it stays with us for a very long time.

So after that I attempted to date a few women, and failed miserably every time. I was feeling pretty low after another cold rejection, and here comes Sarah waltzing into my life. And we hit it off really well, and now we’re dating, but I know there are clouds just over the horizon. I can already see the warning signs of a crappy relationship followed by a painful break up. And I’m trying not to get too attached to this chick, but I’ve never been any good at that.

She’s beautiful and fun. She’s as wild and uncontrollable as any man could ever ask for. (I don’t like my women demure, I like a woman who can challenge my own personality) She makes me laugh, and not a lot of women can do that. And she knows how to work what her mama gave her. She’s clearly got me madly in lust. Even my dumb ass can see that. She can be sweet, when she feels like it, but she is also tough as nails. She’s not scared of anything. She isn’t offended by anything I say. (yet, but I would be able to tell if she were sensitive to my particular brand of bull shit by now) She has a lot of really good traits, but there’s also a truck load of (potentially) bad ones.

She can be self centered, and I don’t want a one way relationship. She can be shallow, and I want someone who’s at least half way deep. She uses drugs and drinks like I did back in my really wild days. (yes, I’m a lot less crazy than I used to be) And that will make it harder for me to pursue sobriety. She’s fucked a lot of guys, and I really don’t want to get cheated on. And she can be a total bitch, and I bristle up at the hint of bitchiness, which will probably make for some stellar fights.

Plus she likes pointy shoes and rap, but that’s not really such a big deal. But seriously, she learned the Soulja Boy dance. What the fuck? That’s just lame. I’m sorry, but for real, that’s lame as all hell.

I know all this and I’m cool with it. Because I really want a woman in my life. Even if I have to deal with a problematic one. Maybe one day I will find some amazing woman who is perfect for me and all that shit, but I doubt it. If life has taught me anything from experience it’s that I have to take what I can get and work with it or go without. Maybe everything will work out great and I’ll become some rediculously happy married dude who stays home all the time to chill with his old lady. But I doubt it. What I really think is going to happen is that I’ll have a lot of fun, for a little while. And eventually one of us will get sick and tired of the other one and the relationship will end in an explosive deluge of insults and tears. But I’m gonna ride that wave of fun straight onto the burning shores of misery because, what the hell, I just really like having fun. And I would rather trade pain for fun, than take safety and boredom and loneliness. And if I’m really honest with myself, I really like her too. Dammit.

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16 responses to “Stupid ass feelings dammit!

  1. Awwwwwwwwww… you sound so sweet.. it actually suprised me to see you post about a gurl. coz a) your a boy (duh) and as you pointed out guys dont talk about their feelings and b) your american. they dont talk about their feelings much unless its about how united they are as a country.. so i liked that… i wish my man friend had a blog. maybe he does…

    also i had to google many things in your post like the Soulja Boy dance wtf is that shit?

    3 hours away? thats pretty stellar.. good luck πŸ™‚ hope it all goes well with your lady friend no matter what happens. lifes to short to play safe 100%

  2. Yeah, we American men don’t like to discuss shit like this. Don’t get used to it. I won’t be busting it out much.

    The Soulja Boy dance is a horrid abomination to music and dance, simultaneously. If you don’t already hate rap like most sane people, and you want to feel both sick and angered, check out the new sensation sweeping my nation. (link below) And by sweeping my nation I mean spreading like cancer and making me send out hate vibes.

  3. Found you thru Sundry, you’ve got a new regular reader in me.

  4. OW MY FREAKEN EARS…… AND MY FREAKEN EYES..

    why would you want to learn that? why would you want to listen to that? argh… i need to reverse the damage i’ve just done… i think opeth will do it…

    you should bust out a few emotional posts.. just one every two or 3 months just so us chickees know what goes on in the mind of a man.. an american man at tht

  5. OH my goodness!

    I SO have a blog-crush on you now πŸ˜‰

    You are SO cute, but you’re also a cool-ass dude, what a perfect combination πŸ™‚

    I know what you mean, that whole “one perfect person for each of us” stuff seems to be a little bit fucked…like seriously, I’m a violet on the slippery slope of “shrinking”, and sitting around waiting for “mr. perfect” to roll on over is pretty much depressing as fuck…but then I always have my parents to force me to get an arranged marriage…what’s that now? LOL…fuck…

    You’re the best πŸ™‚

  6. Sorry to have scalded your soul with that wretched excuse for music. Welcome to culture sharing 101. Doesn’t shit like this just make you love America?

    And I suppose if it makes chickees happy, I can bust out some from-the-heart crapola from time to time. But not too often. I have an image to uphold.

  7. Oh right, last comment was for LonelyGurl21.

    Romi, you slipped right in there whilst I was typing it up. Sneaky sneaky. And by the way, Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!111111 Sucker! You think I am cute! Bwahahahahaha! If only you knew! No, I’m not really, I just don’t post the crappy pictures of myself. (remind you of anyone, ahem) But yes, I am a cool ass dude, thanks for noticing. Blog crush returned. Let’s IM each other and have gorgeous e-babies.

    And yeah, I really really don’t believe in soul mates and all that. I’ve seen what’s out there, and I think people need to learn to just take what they can get and work with it. You can’t wait around forever for some fairy tale to come true. That’s not real life. Real life sucks, and is hard.

  8. LOL yes i love america.. well not really … i like your cities i’ve never been to america.. i like some of your programmes although apparently your writers are on strike but that wont effect us for another 7 years lol i like your food tho.. love the pop tarts.. i can only eat one at a time. rather sweet…

    yes just a few from the heart blogs would be good..

    you really dont beleive in soul mates? just like take what you can and make it better? that makes me sad.

  9. you’ve always been able to take everything in stride, no matter how extreme or light the situation. No matter what, you always deal and you always make it through, and sure….you may be a little jaded in the end, but you always come out of it not much different than the Josh you were from the start. That’s something to be admired, and definately a quality to strive towards.

  10. The Queen: You should so come over her and visit. I’m telling you, America is pretty cool. Although I hear New Zealand is like paradise. And I agree about the pop tarts, they’re too rich for me to eat both at once. Well, I usually do anyway, cause i don’t want to waste a pop tart, but I’d rather just eat one.

    And yes, it makes me sad too. But I really don’t believe in soul mates. At least not for me. I believe I may one day find someone I can actually be happy with, but not some perfect match for me. They just don’t exist. I’m too weird, nobody really matches me. I may end up alone for my whole life, I don’t know. I just refuse to ever hype myself up again over some fairy tale love just to have it all burn to the ground in front of my eyes. Fuck that. In fact, quite a few of my friends have told me I’m the sort of guy they can see being alone his whole life. It kind of sucks, but that’s just how it is for me.

    Steph: Thanks, I try and keep my personality intact through the bull shit I have to deal with. But I would say I’m more than a little jaded at this point. Maybe the person i started off as was jaded already, and that’s why I don’t seem much different. ; )

  11. Really? Do I strategically not post bad pics of myself? WHAAAAAAAA???

    LOL..

    PS: if your posted pics and my “About Me” pic are any indication, our E-babies would grow up to be the hottest e-whores ever…lol… πŸ˜‰

  12. Romi: Yeah, you mentioned something about not posting pics of yourself except the 3/4 profile pic in your about me page. I don’t remember exactly. I think you were talking about how you want to be perfect all the time and then something about fear of looking bad or whatever. I forget now. But you definitely said something about it.

    And yes, our e-babies would be the whoriest e-hotties ever. No wait, switch that!

  13. Damn you and your wicked memory!…yeah, I definitely said something like that at some point…heehee πŸ˜‰

  14. I wouldnt mind going to america for a visit. except 4 the fact that i dont want to get mugged or raped and some of the americans are REALLY annoying.. rather up themselves.

    tht sucks how your mates see you being alone.. i reckon theres someone out there 4 everyone. otherwise i will b the old crazy cat lady 😦

    i tried eating two poptarts.. i threw up. so now i just cook one… which is good coz i have to save my poptarts i only have 2 boxes 😦

  15. Romi: I never thought I’d get a compliment on my memory, which I’ve done my very best to completely destroy over the years. I guess my brain is tough as shit.

    The Queen: Yeah, parts of America are pretty rough. There are places in my own city that I won’t go because it’s too dangerous for a white guy. And a lot of us Americans are total ass holes. I feel you on that one. That’s probably why so many Americans bitch about the general public all the time. But we’re used to it, so it seems normal. In fact, I bet I would be weirded out if I went to a country where everyone was friendly and polite.

    Do they sell Pop Tarts in your stores, or do you have to order them online or something?

  16. lol yeah my town is sposed to be known as “friendly feilding” but we’re like not however i’d say we are friendly compared to some of you americans.

    no apparently they used to sell poptarts in our stores but then they stoped so i tend to pounce on mates or family or even mates family that i know are goin to america and ask them to bring some back 4 me and then i savour them to appreciate their goodness even more.

    if i was to ever vist the good ole usa i’d buy an empty suitcase just til fill with poptarts!! lol

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