Well Stacey over at Memoirs of a Queen Bitch tagged me to do the seven random and/or weird things about myself meme. I really didn’t know what the fuck a meme was. Apparently it’s pronounced mem, not mimi like I thought. And it basically boils down to a chain survey, but slightly less gay. And since I’m plenty gay enough to do regular chain surveys when I’m bored, and this one gave me a little more room to blather on about myself, I figured why the hell not. I guess I should say that I’m not a meme virgin any longer. (although it’s not really such a shock that I was since I’m just a squeaky pink blogging infant, but whatever) Thanks for popping my cherry Shannon, I’ll try not to fall in love with you, but I’ll still remember you forever.
So for those of you like me who are ignorant of common blogging protocols, I’ll spell out the rules for you right now. Dig it.
1) Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2) Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3) Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4) Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
Like I said, I’m pretty new to bloggin’ and all this shit, so I haven’t really built my blogroll reading list up much. In fact, most of the people who’s blogs I read are all friends in Toronto and New Zealand. And they’ve pretty much all been tagged, so my list will probably be very very short, but fuck it. I’ve never cared much for popularity, or following rules. Here goes nothing, hang on to your vaginas folks, it might be a bumpy ride.
1) – I am not allowed to vote for another two and a half years because roughly four and a half years ago I was convicted of a felony. Yes that’s right, surprise, I’m a criminal! I was pretty much just fucking around while I was drunk, but ended up in a particularly hairy/stupid situation involving accidentally breaking into an occupied dwelling and, due to my inebriation, talked mad shit to the cops who arrested me. Of course they took extra time to go through the book and find the absolute worst charge they could throw at me. I ended up with a bond of a quarter million, spent ninety nine days in jail, and got three years of probation. I’m still paying a high price for that one. Turns out the job market for felons is pretty sparse.
2) – I’ve had gray hair since my early teens. Well, not a full head of gray, only in one freakish little spot. You see I have this big ass birth mark behind my left ear, and all the hair grows really coarse out of it. And unlike the brown on the rest of my head, my birth mark hair grows jet black and gray. I guess that’s not too bad since my granddad started going bald at seventeen. (knock on wood)
3) – Unlike most people, I attended only a few years of public school. My parents, being borderline psycho bible thumpers, didn’t feel it was a good idea to throw me in with all the heathen children in Philadelphia, where I lived as a youngster. So my mom home schooled me and my two younger brothers for a good portion of our lives. I got more than them cause I was the oldest and she’s always had a hard time accepting it when I grew up. (you know how moms are, she’s just a sweet old lady) I was home schooled from preschool to 5th grade. Then I went to middle school for 6th and 7th, but I had a hard time adjusting from their sheltered Christian environment to the chaos of public school. I went back to home schooling for 8th through 10th grades, at which point I was about ready to commit matricide, so my folks put me back out for the last two years of high school. Basically I’m one of those dorky Christian home schooled kids everyone hates and makes fun of. But I made up for lost time. (see fact 1)
4) – I have a thing for midgets. They’re hot. Not all of them, but some of them are for sure. If I ever got the chance to bang a hot midget, I’d totally go for it. You can thank Jerry Springer for that little idiosyncrasy. In fact, I’m pretty much a freak all around. I’ll try anything. You’d better bring it if you want to sleep with me, cause if you’re boring, you’re getting kicked to the curb. Afterwards of course. TMI? Well don’t read my blog if you don’t want to know way too much about me. ‘Nuff said.
5) – Despite having gigantic brass balls, I have a few weird phobias. The worst of which is spiders. Way back in the day, my mom got bit by a spider in her sleep. She was bit on the cheek and her face swelled up like crazy. She had to go to the hospital and get antibiotics in an IV and all that crap. During the worst part, before they lanced her, her face was swollen so bad, one eye was completely shut, and the other was just a sliver. I guess that fucked me up as a kid, because ever since then I’ve been freaked out by spiders. I’m pretty good if I see them coming, but I wig out if they surprise me. Sort of like clowns.
6) – If I see Water World on TV, I have to watch it till the end. I used to hate that movie, but it got under my skin somehow, and now I freakin love it. People tell me that’s weird. I don’t think so. First of all, Kevin Costner is pretty cool. Hello, The Postman anyone? Also, Helen was super hot. In fact most chicks in post apocalyptic movies are super hot. I feel it’s important to note that the small freakish looking creature in this photo is not a midget, but in fact a normal sized human larva of some sort. At least that’s what IMDB says.
7) – I’m a licensed minister. Seriously. My super awesome lady friend Rachel recently asked my long time super awesome friend Kenny to marry her. And of course he said yes and everything was awesome. And they asked me to be their minister! So we went online and apparently you can order a legal (in the USA) Certificate of Ministry from the Universal Life Church Monastery for somewhere around $9.99, including shipping and handling. No shit. So I signed their marriage certificate and officiated their wedding. It was one of my proudest accomplishments ever. I really had a great day. In fact, that was the day Sarah and I first started talking to each other. You know how weddings make the brides maids all horny and shit. And what woman doesn’t love a man in uniform? None, duh! I also saw Rachel and Sarah’s father’s ass tattoo that day. It was a wild night. My favorite quote from the evening was at the reception, when one of the relatives said to me, “Damn! you know it’s gonna be a party when the preacher brings his own case of beer!” Some time I’ll give y’all the full rundown of the event. It was awesome. But yeah, I’m a man of the cloth now. Don’t stand too close, I’m expecting the lightning at any moment. Here’s me at the reception with my Certificate of Ministry.
So now comes the point in the evening where I allegedly anoint seven apostles in the sacred path of the meme. Righto. Well upon checking up on my blog subscription list it would seem the Toronto crowd hasn’t yet been pestered by this particular chain thing, so I suppose I’ll hit them up first.
1) Romi, from If You Read This I’ll Buy You Some Cake. She’s definitely got random and weird facts out the wazoo, if she hasn’t already done this, she needs to. Be prepared to cum in your pants when you read her blog. It’s fucking sweet.
2) GreenMetropolis, from Christmastime in the Emerald City. Not the sort of chick I actually see doing a meme, but if she did it would be way more interesting than anything you’ve ever done, and her biting sarcasm might just leave you with pleasure bruises.
3) Talea, from No Really, it’s Just My Face. I fucking love her name. For real. And I really want to see a picture of her face. How scowly could it be? I’ll bet she looks really hot and not pissy at all.
4) Linda, from From the Back Nine. Have you ever wondered what your grandma would be like if she ingested a lethal dose of kick ass? Well here you go, it’s Linda. But be forewarned, she’s got a wicked depressing streak in her writing.
5) Jonniker, from Jonniker. She’s a real life writer people. She makes money doing what you and I do for fun. Dammit! Not fair! Can anyone help me convince her to keep the pink hair? It’s wicked sexy.
6) King Steve, from Some Thoughts From the King. Actually, I just started reading his blog the other day. But so far he is kick ass. For instance, he taught me that a blumkin is: the delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump. That’s the sort of thing they should teach you in school.
7) Stephanie Brown, from This is Me. I haven’t actually read her blog. It’s set to private or some shit. But I’ve known her for a long time in real life, so I’m sure she can come up with seven crazy factoids I don’t know. Bring it Steph.
Holy fuck, I came up with seven people. No way. I amaze me sometimes. Mostly when I’m flexing naked in front of the mirror. But that goes without saying. Any who, if you read this and you weren’t tagged, feel free to participate in the meme experience anyway. Screw it, you shouldn’t have to be tagged I say. As long as you read it. Isn’t that the whole point of a meme anyway, to spread like an STD around the crotch skin of the blogoshpere? I hope you all enjoyed my random facts. Don’t forget to think about me and touch yourself. Sweet dreams internet denizens.