A conversation and some proverbs from my weekend.

Sarah: So just be careful around Lilly cause she can be trouble.

Me: Well duh, she’s a coke head and she is obviously aware she’s hot. That’s pretty dangerous. Like you aren’t trouble?

Sarah: No I mean she just tends to get a little friendly with my friends.

Me: So she seduces everyone you bring over?

Sarah: No, not exactly. She’s just hooked up with a lot of the boys I have had around her.

Me: So she’s a total whore and she’s still your friend?

Sarah: I wouldn’t say she’s a whore exactly, just don’t sleep with her ok?

Me: So you’re saying that she’s seduced a lot of your men, but she’s not a whore?

Sarah: Yeah, sort of.

Me: So she just has a very friendly vagina?

Sarah: Exactly.

I would highly suggest that you don’t try and go an entire weekend with minimal sleep and a diet consisting entirely of goods served at a bar. And if you do, don’t snort an ass load of crazy good coke up your nose, because you will regret it for several days, at least.

If your woman is thoughtful enough to stop herself from plopping down on you to watch TV for fear that she might squish your balls, don’t simply readjust and tell her she is good to go. Her vantage point may have offered a more realistic view of what sort of placement is actually going on down there, and more often than not you will instantly regret your decision as you feel you chances for procreation drastically drop.

Just because they keep making Scary Movie sequels, doesn’t mean they are getting any better. Don’t watch them unless you really like not laughing for two hours.

If you are planning on having sex in someone else’s car before they get a chance to, don’t let them know. It will thenceforth be much harder to find their keys.

Never act freaked out when you find out you are going to be sleeping in a house with a child in it. If you do, don’t ask their parent exactly how evil their child is. They will not understand that you simply meant how evil they are on the usual child evil scale. (everyone knows all children are evil, it’s just a matter of how evil they are) Turns out most mothers don’t have much of a sense of humor about their children. Go fig.

Every woman has their own weird body parts that they don’t want touched. No matter how cute or funny it may seem, never again go near any of those spots once you discover them. Because the crimson tide rolls in fast if you aren’t respectful of the no trespassing signs.

Dogs small enough to fit your hands easily around their torso are not dogs. They are imposter’s to the dog world, and should be left outside where normal sized dogs can easily access them for food. Also, with a body that small, it’s impossible to hold your piss/shit for more than two minutes at a time. Beware the kitchen floor at night.

While showering with a member of the opposite sex can be good old fashioned fun, beware the lather splatter from your partner. Even if you have contained your own soap usage, the floor will inevitably be covered with a slick layer of the other parties wash off, and can in some circumstances lead to painful and hilarious encounters with gravity. And no matter how you try and play it off, you still look like a naked person who just busted their ass, and most likely is now blinded by both pain and shampoo.


15 responses to “A conversation and some proverbs from my weekend.

  1. Friendly vagina.. thats a new one… i like it..

    so you had some coke? and not of the drink variety?
    whats wrong with sitting on a guys lap?

    do you guys not have bathmats over there?

    yes… all mothers think their kids are darlings.. even satans mum prolly things hes lovely. just “misundastood”

    not even gonna ask which body part you tried to touch…

    if you cant get keys for the kar you want to have sex in why not have sex on it? like on the bonnet or the boot of the car? can be equally thrilling without the jab of the handbreak.

    you fell over in the bathroom.. i believe you got served some karma.. ha…

  2. The Queen: Nothing is wrong with sitting on a guys lap. Actually I was splayed out on a couch and she was laying over on my belly and the nuts got in the way. It hurt. Yes we have bathmats, but this particular house did not, and the shower was especially small with weird curves and slants on the floor. It also hurt. As far as lovin’ it up on the car, it’s winter here. It was down in the thirties. I guess that’s like three or four degrees for you guys. It would have been way too cold. Plus the shrinkage factor. Not cool.

    Side note: bonnet and boot are the cutest terms for car parts I have ever heard. I suppose that would be the hood and trunk. Our terms seem so much more primitive. Damn. I kind of like how manly they sound though.

  3. Hahahahahahahahaha your nuts got in the way.. i could be mean and say… gosh i didnt know you had any? but i wont…

    sucks you got hurt. u’ll b right though.

    ahhh i see you have a point with the lovin on the car its summer here so i just assumed it was summer every where.. perhaps you shud try tht one when its summer then?

    hood n trunk seem like names for body parts. lol you guys talk funny over there :p

  4. I love me a friendly vagina… 🙂

  5. King Steve: who doesn’t love friendly vagina? It’s awesome! Actually, this particular friendly vagina was hotter than hell too. But I behaved. And I only checked out her ass six or seven times. … alright fine, I did it constantly, but I didn’t piss off my woman, so no harm no foul right? She can look at dude ass all she wants.

    The Queen: I believe cars were invented is America. So therefore whatever we call car parts is the original and correct terminology. You are the ones who talk funny. With your seasons all backwards and whatnot. Insanity I tell you! How could you have Christmas during the summer? It’s not right. And your toilets flush the wrong way too.

  6. LOL you are such a guy… no luck with the friendly vagina huh?

    yeah you are responsible for making the crappiest car in the world (anything by ford) so congrats. We dont talk funny… oh i was watching the news last night and some american football team has taken off with our haka coz the team has polynesian players n stuff and the announcer was trying to pronounce the guys names. ohhh it was funny… you guys are great..

    Christmas in the summer is cool we get to bbq n stuff it doesnt even snow in my town. cool huh? what the hell? the toilet? ohh yeah with the drain stuff.. good come back lol.

  7. The Queen: what does “taken off with our haka” mean? And are you talking about football or soccer? I didn’t even think you had football over there. Just rugby.

  8. lol google Haka.. or youtube it. youtube might be easier theres a gingerman add with the haka on it..
    ermm your guys american football stole it. american football or gridiron whatever you call it..

    we have soccer… and rugby..

  9. The Queen: Holy fucking shit that was the most bad ass thing I have seen in a long damn time! I would most definitely shit myself if i had to face the All Blacks on a rugby field and they did that shit. Seriously, that was cool as hell. Your team is called the All Blacks right? Cause around here that would be a very socially incorrect name, but I suppose it’s all good over there. Different histories, you understand, some of the more vocal blacks over here are still sensitive about racial crap. Not that I care, but we could never call a team the All Blacks. There would be riots.

    Also cool, calling American football gridiron. Gridiron is a bad ass word.

  10. So much wisdom here, hard to take it in all at once.

    I’m really glad we’re on the same page about hating babies, for one thing 🙂

    I have a weird “don’t touch that” body part, it’s called my eyelids, but other than that, I am GOOD to go! (sigh, it’s so fun to be a pretend-slut, lol…)

  11. LOL yeah thats us the allblacks… we lost the world rugby cup still.. i dont care that much… uhh well our country can be divided at times as well i wont go into it too much coz it’ll take ages to explain but one of our news channels just made fun of the maori’s (if your not sure google) fuck i was laughing to hard i was crying.

    Gridiron is a cool word to say lol and type.
    speaking of weird body parts… NEVER bite a chicks eyebrow.. its just wrong..

  12. The Queen: the eyebrow? WTF? Who bites an eyebrow? Seriously. Nah Sarah just got pissed cause I wouldn’t stop playing with her love handles. I can’t help it. I LIKE LOVE HANDLES DAMMIT! I wasn’t even doing it consciously. I was just enjoying touching her and watching TV. But apparently I need to stay the hell off her love handles. Lesson learned.

    I’ll check out that maori thing.

  13. LOL I KNOW! i had this one guy (needless to say he didnt hang round 4 long) that repeatitively bit my eyebrow dispite the fact that i sed it was annoying he reckond that every other chick he’d been with loved it… i had to bite my tongue to not ask if they were blow up dolls and therefore couldnt really comment…

    she has love handles? how could she shes all lil and cute…

  14. The Queen: not big fat nasty love handles. Little cute adorable love handles. More like a very slight pudge. I find them irrisistable, but she’s like most women, because she’s very judgmental about her own body and image. Us guys can usually accept our bodily flaws, but girls feel the need to meet these ridiculous beauty standards. I don’t get it, but i accept it. I figure she just needs to be with me for longer, and when she feels more secure about our relationship then she’ll feel more comfortable with her own body image.

  15. Ahhhhhhhhhhh… i seee….

    well go you

    all i gotta say..

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