Vibrators and Butt Plugs and Cock Rings, OH MY!


So I was chatting with my woman on the phone last night, preparing for my first visit down east to the beach. I’m gonna tag along with Kato and Rachel when they go down to her parents for thanksgiving weekend. I think now is a good time to mention that Kato’s name is really Kenny, and I’m the only person who calls him Kato, like from the Green Hornet. And he fucking hates it, he gets pissed when I call him that. But he doesn’t read this blog, so I can do whatever I fucking want. Plus he is a big part of the reason that every friend I have has called me Muffin for the last five or six years. So I owe him some grief.

Anyway I get to visit Sarah, and hang out with her father in law, who is this kick ass redneck dude who just started a boat building company. And I want to see that too. Plus, who doesn’t enjoy visiting a small town where everyone knows everyone and having the opportunity to meet every GD dude who has ever banged the girl you’re with? Kidding. I’m not really looking forward to that. Boo fucking hoo, I know.

So we’re blabbing on the phone, and the conversation starts to get a little randy, and at some point I mention that I’m pissed because I lost Pocket Sally. And she was all shocked that I had a sex toy. I told her my porn star/stripper/bartender friend had bought it for me for Christmas a few years ago. We actually kept the box on the mantle for a while. It was cool. But I was surprised to find out that apparently she has never had a toy of her own. No shit! I didn’t know there were people out there who had never been in a sex shop and bought something to pass the time alone. Seriously, I think every girl I am friends with has, or has had some sort of dildo or vibrator.

So I told her I was going to remedy that situation and get her a gift so we could have a little fun during my visit. So I go online today to figure out exactly what I want to get her, and lo and behold, it turns out I don’t know jack shit about sex toys. I have no idea where to begin. I knew the basics. You’ve got dildos, vibrators, and mini vibrators. But noooooooooo, there’s so much more!

There are butt plugs, rabbit style vibes, clit lickers, vibrating cock rings, dildos of every shape, size, and texture, waterproof vibes, vibrating whips, vibrators in the shape of mice, octopi, cobra’s, and even three fingered hands. There are ticklers, g-spot stimulators, poon suckers, beads, probes, bullets, and toys with so many attachments they look more like pervy swiss army knives. A few of my personal favorites were the Cobra vibrator, I rub my duckie, (a super smart idea btw, hide it in plain sight) and the ever popular glow-in-the-dark clone-a-willy vibrator kit.

Now I don’t have much experience with owning a vagina, so I’m not really sure what to get her now. It would almost feel too tame to get a plain old dildo after the shopping/learning I just did. But maybe that’s just the ticket. but if so should I go with glass, metal, or something fleshy? And if I get a vibrator, what sort is the best? Is the normal phallic style good enough, or should I get one with one of the rabit style clit stimulators? Or maybe something more discreet, like a bullet style mini vibrator. I definitely don’t want to make myself obsolete, so I won’t be going with anything like the 8″ vibrating Emperor. I mean jeez, I do alright, but DAMN! She’s gonna laugh at me after that.

I’m leaning for either a discreet bullet style like the Fukuoku 9000 Massager, or something sleek like Jenna’s Velvet Jewels. I don’t want to scare her, this is her first toy after all. But I don’t know what I’m doing. So if any of you ladies have any advise for a fella, let me know. Cause I’m picking something before I go, for better or for worse. I figure the worst thing that could happen is that I have to resort to normal sex, and that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

Also, a vagina related story from today: Sami had to go get her wisdom teeth removed today, and apparently the anesthetic they use makes your crotch really itchy, but the dentist didn’t warn her. So her poon starts itching and she keeps going to scratch it, but pretending it’s her arm instead so she doesn’t look stupid. Oh my god, that just cracks me up. Itchy poon gas. Awesome.

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24 responses to “Vibrators and Butt Plugs and Cock Rings, OH MY!

  1. Hey Josh, love LOVE your comments on Sundry’s site and just had to comment on this blog. Get something without all of the fancy attachments since it is her first vibrator. My first was something called a Smoothie and it worked really well for the first year I had it until I upgraded to something different. Also I would recommend not spend over $20, this way, if she doesn’t like it, you aren’t out much and if she does like it, you both can go shopping for something that you both will enjoy in the bedroom. Hope this helps and good luck!

  2. Thanks Allie. I was thinking something simple and cheap was the way to go. In fact, the Smoothie looks exactly like what I was thinking of, I just couldn’t find one like it one the Adam & Eve website. (Talk about sensory overload! Holy cow!) I really appreciate the input.

  3. A Silver Bullet is nice. It’s small, it’s powerful, and it gets the job done without having to fully insert a mammoth vibrator inside one’s pussy. I prefer the Silver Bullet, I have 4, and would recommend that.
    However! If you want to go the vibrator route, get a vibe, not a dildo. And I think for the first time with a sex toy, perhaps you should get one that’s kinda sorta similar to the real thing .. meaning, a soft one, a fleshy one. Not glass, or cold metal. You want her to enjoy it.
    Good luck with it .. it’s a ton o’ fun.

  4. Red: Yeah, see I’m really torn between the vibrator vs. the bullet thing. I always have a hard time choosing when I have two really good options. I was thinking the bullet, being tiny, would be easier to hide. Cause she’s stayin’ with her folks till she saves up enough money to move back here. Maybe I’ll flip a coin.

  5. Ahhh.. see if only my post about my deals at the erotica expo was up you wouldnt have any issues… hehehehe..

    even tho im unimpressed by your comment on leaf’s blog i shall give you advice (more for the lady friend not for you)

    make sure it has a nice colour.. black is a bit scary (unless she has a fantasy over banging a black man then you might b given the flick) blue is good everyone likes blue…
    if you can make sure it has a curve (hits the gspot you see)
    um… dont get any hard bumpy bits.. a friend of mine (yeah an actual friend) got one and it had bumpy bits on it and she said it hurt..
    definitly a viabrator rather than the other things..
    and um.. b4 you get it make sure (if its your thing) that you can use it both places.. if u catch my drift.. oh and also if its waterproof coz thts fun!! and get a bag you can put it in.. that way it wont roll out from under the bed at the parents house..

    and later on if she likes it.. get a bullet one with a remote.. that way you can go out places and while shes got it you can control her pleasure.. thats fun..

    enjoy..

  6. The Queen: You know I think you’re awesome. I just don’t want you outlawing sex, fast food, and drugs. Except drugs are already illegal, but you know. Think about it, no erotic expo, no pop tarts!

    And those were some wicked good tips. I definitely want water waterproof, that’s a must. And the g-spot curve was something I was straddling the fence on. (no pun intended) And I hadn’t even thought of a bag, good catch! And a remote? You are wicked you naughty naughty girl!

  7. my suggestion is dont go with the one that looks like a sausage. or a cucumber. i don’t know about most girls, but i dont really wanna be shoving fake (or real for that matter) things up my vag. i don’t know if you remember that, but melanie got me my very first vibrator and it was a sausage replica….def. did not turn me on.

  8. Oh my god, PERFECT TIMING. I went into the Condom Shack last night and bought myself the best item in the store. It’s from Japan, it’s kind of bunny style, but different because of the direction of…well, whatever, I won’t go into it. Rotating pearls, blah blah blah, 30,000 rpm clit attachment and it fucking LIGHTS UP!!! That’s right, it lights up! It’s a fucking night light. I don’t know what it’s called right now, but I will seriously go home, look at the box, and tell you what it’s called because it’s awesome. However, you might want to save it for a later date, because it is not for the tame. Yes. Anyways. Have I told you I’m the queen of TMI?

  9. Steph: I don’t recall any sausage vibrator stories. I think I would remember that one. That’s just odd. Who would buy a sausage vibrator as a gift? Don’t worry, I will steer clear of any food oriented, or just plain bizarre toys.

    Green Metropolis: Definitely let me know what you got, it sounds bad ass. But for this first one, I’m going with something simple and not … scary. I’m not sure exactly how comfortable she is going to be with new stuff, you know? But I plan on slowly getting her jaded to what a freak I am, so later on I just might be shopping for something with a little more pizazz. And TMI? No such thing here on Sprinting To Hell. Because I’m in charge, and I don’t blush easy. It’s good to be king.

  10. Yeah you better appreciate the Queen πŸ™‚
    There is logic behind me keeping drugs illegal trust me.
    what do you mean no pop tarts? we dont have pop tarts over here anyway unless i find friends that are goin to america then i ask them 4 some lol
    its nearly the weekend oooh!! i’ll post up prolly tomorow bout the erotica expo.. yay

    Yes definitly go with the gspot thing just maybe when using it the first couple of times dont b so strong on the gspot if shes not used to it…
    some times you can get free bags with the viabrators so ask! everyone loves free stuff especially wen it involves sex! ooh llalalalaa…
    hahahhaa lol yeah im wickid and naughty especially when handcuffs are involved…
    i got a new viabrotor at the erotica expo .. it sounds a bit like the one greenmetroplis has i dont know what its like tho its still in the box lol just thought you’d like to know..

    also that pic you had of what your sex toy was… what was it ? i couldnt tell from the pic…

  11. I was with GreenMet when she purchased said scary vibrator. And honestly, it was a little intimidating. I was frightened and didn’t understand why it had to light up.
    But then, I felt the clit thingy. With my FINGER. And oh holy shit…..It could light up and sing, I wouldn’t really care, so long as that 30,000 rpm motor didn’t break.
    Um, yeah. I have no suggestions. I’m not a big sex toy person. I just thought I”d write about my experience with her dildo.
    I have to go now.

  12. The Queen: There can be no logic behind keeping drugs illegal. At least not all of them. Some of them are awesome, and should be forced upon boring people to make them suck less. And by no Pop Tarts, I meant that they are junk food, and would be incredibly expensive under your new law. You would have to get Salad Tarts to toast, and they would come in flavors like sauerkraut and collard greens and pinto beans. Lame.

    Thanks for the heads up on getting the g-spot used to the whole new wonder world of vibrations and fun. I’ll take it easy, at least with the vibrator. And why is your new toy still in the box? If guys could get off with vibrators and shit, I would be tearing the box open on my way home. And my toy was this rubbery prosthetic vagina thing. Sadly, Sally has seen better days. She’s torn pretty badly over the years, and is about to bust a hole in her side. If I ever find you Sally, I may have to retire you. 😦 Rest in pieces.

    Talea: Light up and sing huh? Sounds awesome. I wouldn’t know. 30,000 rotations per minute seems like overkill, but I guess it works really well, so rock on. And don’t worry, we’ll eventually move up to bigger and scarier, but for now it’s baby steps. I am getting the feeling she’s a closet freak though, so I don’t think it will take long to completely corrupt her forever. Wish me luck.

  13. There is logic behind keeping weed illegal i shall do a post about it coz its quite lengthy you see..

    Naturally poptarts will be exempt from the junk food rule except there will be a clause that you can have only two per week coz i wouldnt want any more they’re rather sweet and i wud hafta change my name to Queen Sweet gurl.. or something lol

    LOL the new viabrator is in its box bcoz i havent had a chance to inspect it and my other one is perfectly good at doin the job so im not in any great hurry… lol poor sally sounds like you may need to invest in a new one.. and call her molly.

    how old is your lady friend?

  14. The Queen: She’s just turned 21, I’m 23. And she’s almost exactly how I was when I was 21. The last two and a half years have seen a lot of change in my life, both good and bad. My life is very different now. But even though she hasn’t started to mellow out (ie: get worn down by life’s endless toil and problems and loose your youthful zest for living) she’s still a good match for me. I think so anyway. Time will tell.

  15. ok so i didn’t really think any guy put in this much thought to what sex toy to buy his girlfriend :] but im glad to see some guys actually care. i would go with a didlo, but not a plain one. i was thinking something more on the lines of

    http://www.adameve.com/Vibrators/Rabbit-Vibrators/sp-rechargeable-jack-rabbit-949.aspx

    seems neat to me, and if my boyfriend(if i ever get another one in my life) bought me it. i would be excited XD

  16. I loved this post; I read it with awe and wonder, as I am such a naive Indian girl who only goes so far as holding a white-boy’s hand when my strict indian parents aren’t watching. This would be the part where you would wonder if I’m totally serious, totally joking, or something in between…anyhoo…I leave it for your pondering πŸ™‚

  17. Romi: Don’t feel like you have to do something radical to hang with the horny dogs. (ie:us) We welcome all sorts here. But if you must hold somebody’s hand, and hide it, I insist it must be me. (not really, but yeah) I wish you could come live twenty minutes of my life. I would bet it would change a lot of the ways you think. Holding hands does not equate with nasty. Trust me, if you want to know about something you’ve never experienced, I will be a very patient teacher. And this is coming from some random white boy who didn’t invent the kama sutra. I know both nasty and patient!

  18. Ahhh… oh to be 21 again.. oh wait i am! lol
    its like being half a teenager half an adult..
    good times..
    she sounds good 4 you..even though you dont beleive in soul mates *glares at you in disgust*

    good luck n what not.. oh hey… DONT 4GET TO BUY BATTERIES.

  19. The Queen: Ok, let me clear this up. I am not saying I don’t believe that anybody can find true love in this world. I am just saying I don’t believe I will ever find true love. It might happen to you, but not me. Why would I believe it’s possible for other people and not me? Because that’s how life is. Shit always seems to work different for me. I wish I could say I have enough faith in women and relationships to say I will one day be happily in love. But honestly, I don’t think so. I might fall in love, but that will only end in pain. And someone might fall in love with me, but I doubt it will be anyone I’m interested in. I know it’s pessimistic and whatnot, but I just don’t think any relationship I ever have will work out permanently. I hope I’m wrong. (batteries … check)

  20. lol gez and i thought i was pesimistic…
    well im gonna hope theres someone out there 4 you coz i like everyone to have happy endings… im such a girl sometimes lol

    maybe if shits been different 4 you so far in life then it’ll turn out good and you will find someone in the end.

    i too hope your wrong.

  21. The Queen: I totally believe in happy endings. But more like the porno variety. And nothing ever turned out well in the end for me. I have the “half way through good/ all the way through horrible” thing going on. I love you ladies, but you seem to always rape me in the heart hole whenever I loosen up. So I won’t ever loosen up again. I’m done getting fucked. I can deal with being alone better than I can deal with being a loser. I never want to put myself in a place where you can cut out my guts, ever again!

  22. Alrighty!! well im not gonna disagree as atm im not too pleased with you males. and i too would rather be alone. but that is a story 4 another post lol

    it sucks how chicks treat you like shit.. i wouldnt want to cut out your guts.. mainly coz it would gross me out. im all 4 blood and pain etc but not when it invovles me having to cut someones flesh and rip out the guts. and also coz i dont like hurting mates.

    perhaps you’ll have more luck in the future?

  23. The Queen: Only time will tell.

  24. and since im ahead of time then i can let you know??

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