If I ruled the world. (aka your very near future)

So apparently there’s some sort of secret society of wannabe dictators blogger group where they post challenges and the members write their posts accordingly, and then the votes are cast. And some sort of blood ritual occurs after which a victor stands and the rest know their better. I really don’t feel like joining any groups right now, but I did like their latest challenge, so I’m gonna try my hand at it. Plus, as someone pointed out in a comment, I’ve been rather sexual with my topics as of late, so I’m going to try and pull off some Disney magic for a while and keep it clean … er.

You know, so I don’t make children bleed from the eyes. (although …)

So the mystery challenge was to post what you would do if you were president for a day. I think. But of course I want to be president of the whole world. And I don’t want to be a president, I want to be called the Commander Supreme. In fact, let’s just go ahead and make it The Most Excellent Commander Supreme, Overlord of All Earth, King of Men! And then I want to get to choose a new name, so instead of Josh I would be The Most Excellent Commander Supreme, Overlord of All Earth, King of Men! His Excellency: Jumbofist McBonecrusher!!!!! (((crowd cheers))) (((ahhhhhhhh!!!)))

Ok, so my first act as Commander Supreme would be to put my face on Mt. Rushmore. But I want my head to be made of gold, not granite. And it should be at least twice as big as the other heads. And I want it to shoot a laser show out of my eyes and play Lynyrd Skynyrd over loudspeakers so that everyone in the surrounding countryside would be forced to rock out to my visage. And I want it to rock back like a Pez dispenser and shoot fire and ninja stars out of my mouth. And everyone who visits will get a free lengua torta with a tall glass of horchata, or beer, and baklava for dessert. Romi, I’ll make sure they get you a triple chocolate somethin’ somethin’.

2) I want fireworks every night. Everyone on the planet doesn’t have to participate, but I at least want them to go off in front of my crypt-like super-lair. In fact, I want Gandolph the Grey to be my pyrotechnician. If he’s not available, (I think he’s white now or something) I want George Lucas and all the employees if ILM to be my pyrotechnicians.

3) The 700 club must be taken off the air forever. And Pat Robertson will be forced to cross dress and drink excessively for the rest of his life. However, Jack Van Impe gets moved to prime time, because no other tele-evangelist can make me laugh like Mr. Van Impe and his trusty geriatric bimbo sidekick. That guy is the best kind of completely insane!

Mr. and Mrs. Anichrist

4) Gay people can get married. I don’t really care about gay people or their causes, I am just sick of hearing people whine about the issue, it’s over now. The gays win. Stop whining Christianity, it’s a brave new world out there. Are you ready for the apocalypse? Jack Van Impe is, maybe you should watch his program.

5) We’re gonna take all the money we were paying congress and the rest of Washington, and it’s all going towards better schools. And everyone in charge of a school in North Carolina looses their job and gets replaced by someone competent so maybe my home state won’t be full of idiots who didn’t learn jack when they should have. And in the place of the entire legislative branch of our government, will be me. I will put in my four hours a day of hard work and spend the next twenty or thirty years going through our laws and getting rid of all the dumb ideas. Because we don’t need more laws, we need less. And we don’t need a bigger government, we need a smaller one.

6) America, news flash: you are switching to the metric system like the rest of the world. It makes more sense and is much much easier to use. Stop being obstinant jack asses. Why are there 12 inches in a foot instead of ten? And why are inches broken down into fourths and eighths and sixteenths instead of a normal base ten measuring system? It’s idiotic. Stop it America.

7) Pick up your dogs poo, or get stripped and beaten in a public square. If any of your dogs poo ever ends up on the unsuspecting shoe, excuse me … spiked boot, of a certain Commander Supreme, you will be put to death and your dog will be Chinese food for my supper.

8 ) Black people have to wear at least half white at night. Well, this is mostly just for the thugs and general witless classless ignoramus’ that stain the otherwise respectable black community. No more of this all black attire. And you have to walk on the sidewalk, or at least near the side of the road. You may not have realized this, but unless you’re smiling real big, you’re invisible until you hit my bumper. And at this point, I wouldn’t slow down anyway, just walk on the side of the road like normal people or get run over, cause you’re pissing me off.

9) Movie previews have to accurately reflect both the general plot of the movie, and the general quality of the movie. You can’t take the only three funny lines from a chick flick, clip together a bunch of shots of chicks walking around, and pass it off as a college comedy. That’s called lying and it’s not cool. I fell for it with Boys and Girls, never again. Stop it Hollywood.

10) Toyota will be allowed to continue making the Camry. All other car companies will be required to discontinue any models that look exactly like the Camry. (ie: all car models currently sold in America) I like a little variety in my commute.

11) CEO’s of companies now make, on average, something like 300 times what their regular employees make. Under my reign the owners of companies will not be allowed to make more than 20 times what their average employee makes. with the exception of Arby’s, a chain run by the lowliest of scum in all the universe. The dregs of society will be forced to labor at Arby’s for little or no money, and if they continue taking forever to get me my jamocha shake, or they give out regular fries instead of curly fries, as their current regulations require apparently, they will be doused in kerosene and lit up with tasers. Also, speakers made with technology from some time in the last fifty years will replace the hand crafted audio scramblers they currently have in all drive throughs.

12) Christian “music” has lost their privilege to call themselves music anymore. From now on all Christian “music” will be referred to as ear torture of the propaganda persuasion. Or just “that unpleasant mess” for short. The same thing goes for all rap except Outkast and the Beastie Boys. And Everlast I guess.

13) Everyone at Revlon will be confined to their stations until they can reformulate all make up to smell less gross. I want it to smell like hickory smoke and beef jerky from now on. Because when I have my face close enough to smell make up, I want to enjoy myself. Sawdust would be a pretty sweet scent. Or pancakes. Yeah, chicks who smell like pancakes, now there’s a Utopian society. And guys, wash more. you just stink in general. And everyone, brush your teeth. In fact, go ahead and schedule four evenly spaced breaks during your work day which you will henceforth use to brush your teeth. Cause elevators are getting unbearable. The general public is starting to stink like a bunch of anime fans.

14) Welfare will be replaced by work camps. No more free rides. I’m not supporting any more poor people. I’m wicked poor and I never asked for a dime from the government, even when I was living in my car. From now on if you can’t/won’t get a job, yet you still want a check each month, you have to report for ten hours per day of labor in one of many new government work facilities. You will be provided with guaranteed work, and you will have the ability to support yourself and your family on a sparse income if you are willing to get off your lazy bum. Women will be assigned to help landscape, clean, and generally upkeep all government and public facilities. Men will construct new government and public facilities, as well as upkeep all roads and sidewalks. All prisoners will be put to constant labor for the good of society.

15) No more FCC. No censorship at all. You can either accept the fact that there are a lot of people who don’t want to follow the same moral code as you, and stop forcing them to, or you can move off the planet earth. If you don’t want you children being exposed to anything politically incorrect, crude, sexual, profane, or fun, then act like a parent and pay attention to what they are doing. And I’m personally going to force Tipper Gore to break every single one of her precious censorship laws on live national television, and get a parental advisory sticker tattooed on her face. You’re going down Tipper, you’re going down!

16) Cops will be required to take an anti-douchbag test to continue/begin in law enforcement, that way we can filter out the 99% of douchey cops who make the other honest and brave 1% look bad. Ok maybe that was a slight exaggeration, it could be more like 95/5 but whatever.

17) The greatest minds from around the world will be convened to try and divine some way to serve me good tasting coffee, quickly, cheaply, and somewhere below the average seven hundred degree standard that all food joints seem to have adopted. I actually do want to drink that-there coffee some time before noon jerk face, the whole point is to wake me up right now so I don’t punch my coworkers in the throat when they greet me with a chipper hello at seven in the freaking morning. In fact, hold on, …

18) No company shall ever open before the sun comes up. Think, what would Jesus do? If it’s too early for nature to wake up, I’m not gonna argue. God set the sunrise at a specific time each morning for a reason. Are you saying God is lazy? Cause he just might smite you if you do. And that’s not a chance I’m willing to take. If you don’t hate Jesus, and you don’t want to spit on the Holy God’s perfect plan for all creation, then don’t get up before the sun you smarmy workaholic.

19) If you are so fat that people have a hard time seeing the bottom of your two piece swim suit, wear a one piece. A loosely fitting canvas one piece that will keep you warm in the survival camp I’m sending all grossly obese people to to whip them into shape.

20) If you are on myspace, and you have no phone, and you want to use myspace to communicate with all your friends all the time, that is ok. But send messages to talk to them in stead of posting bulletins. You are wasting the limited space in my bulletin window that could be notifying me of crap I actually care about. Like anything besides πŸ˜› o.O <l:-)> or whatever retarded other emoticons you figure out how to type. And never post a bulletin that says, “hey whrz everybdy at? Come chil” I hate that shite. I will never chil wit u again loser. In fact, I’m bombing your house just for wasting my time.

And I guess I’ll be posting my friends into positions of power. If any of you have any requests for new jobs in my New World Order, let me know, I’ll probably let you do whatever you want. Except you The Queen, you have to choose something that doesn’t involve changing any laws. You know what I’m talking about. Pick anything else and it’s all good.


26 responses to “If I ruled the world. (aka your very near future)

  1. Hello The Most Excellent Commander Supreme, Overlord of All Earth, King of Men! And then I want to get to choose a new name, so instead of Josh I would be The Most Excellent Commander Supreme, Overlord of All Earth, King of Men! His Excellency: Jumbofist McBonecrusher!!!!!

    i would like to be in charge of putting the skanks and emo’s… ban them from existance etc now to comment on your laws/rules if you will… i have no idea why you wont give me power 😦

    1-6 i agree with especially 6 its very hard to work out whats what when converting metric to.. whatever you guys use or other way round..

    7 is already a law here we even have plastic dogs that sit in random places you pull off his head and place your doggy poop in there!

    definitly agree with 8!! i find it hard over here to at night time when i see something moving but im not sure what.. oh wait its a person!

    agree with 9.. thats how i got sucked into going to some movie.. turns out all the funny lines were in the previews.

    10.. meh.. i dont really like toyotas so do what you will.. you could be like henry ford and b all “you can have any colour you want as long as its black” and have everyone drive the same coloured car! ha wouldnt that b funny..

    11 and 12 yes…

    13.. im amazed you know the name of a make up conpany and also my concealer smells like some sort of alcohol… but i do hafta ask.. if your THAT close to a chick why are you concenred over her make up? shouldnt you be concenrd with something else? YES guys wash more!! and wear anti persperiant deoderant! i dont care if it feels weird when you put it on FUCKEN USE IT… but dont let guys smell too good.. im a fan of guys tht smell good…

    14.. yes definitly im sick of supporting those that refuse to work especially wen i know damn well that they have a business on the sly.. or are perfectly capable of getting a job but are too busy working on their car.

    16,`7,18 yes..
    19.. why do you want to see fat people in one peice swimsuits? why not just in regular clothes? and also instead of clothing companies making clothes bigger (i think some go up to a size 32) they shud just not that way when they get fatter and have no clothes to wear they have to go to some underground gym and work it off. and then they are not alowed to buy junk. like their photos shud b in every fast food resturant and eftpos cards will come up “declined” wen being used to buy junk. and if they dont do atleast and hour of exercise they will get an internal shock until they do move.

    20… i dont use myspace but sure rock on buddy!

    so again i want to be in charge of skanks and emo’s… there is one other thing however i feel it is kinda.. err… unhumane inhumane?? either way i wont put it into words…

    oooh and like a universal dress code would be good. you know what im saying? although your a guy so you prolly like seeing a chick who’s skirt duznt quite cover her butt coz its so short.

    well i thats all…

  2. Pingback: Gay Singles » If I ruled the world. (aka your very near future)

  3. The Queen: Alright, you’re in charge of keeping the skank population reasonably high, and the emo population reasonably low, how does that sound? We’ll call you the Head Minister of Skankmo Affairs. And you can totally have power, just not the power to outlaw sex, drugs, junk food, and apparently short skirts too. But I’m interested in hearing more about this inhumane idea you have brewing. Do tell! Put it in words! This is Sprinting to Hell, you can do whatever you want here, no rules.

    Plastic dogs for poo cleanup? Weird, but kind of cool. And I think they actually do have dog crap laws in some places over here as well. LA might have some shwanky areas like that, and Miami I think.

    10 was really just a joke about how every car on the road looks like the Camry. I’m not particularly fond of them myself.

    Yes, when I’m that close to a girl I do have to think about her make up. Because I’m trying to think about something else entirely but the make up stink is grossing me out. I mean, I can deal with it, I just think it should be changed so it’s not distracting and unpleasant.

    And as far as fat people in bathing suits, I was just joking again. I’m off my rhythm today. I’m missing my fire man! I’m honestly just really really tired from the week and I can’t think straight, so my jokes are sucking. Forgive me. (tips hat and bows)

  4. I definitely would vote for you.

  5. Pingback: Its time to vote for your favourite… « Memoirs of Queen Bitch

  6. I think I love you after this post. Well, not really, but you know.
    Especially for #14 and #18. No more welfare. You do not get money for doing nothing you lazy fuckers. And I hate mornings. I’m a total raging bitch before 11 AM and it’s just not fair to anybody.

    Commander Supreme, I will vote for you.
    And shit, I hate it when black people wear black at night. Dudes, you’re INVISIBLE. It’s just a fact. you’re black. Work with it. Geez.

  7. Haha…I love this post; are you part of the contest? I haven’t voted yet, but if you are, your ass gets my vote πŸ™‚ I usually participate in all the contests, but I had skipped out on this one…I have read some really interesting posts on this topic though…

    So umm yeah, thanks for the “triple chocolate somethin’ somethin'” reference, you’re the best! πŸ™‚

    You made me laugh my ass off several times, specifically when you mentioned: black people not wearing black, your rushmore bust being a pez-dispenser for asian stars (LOL), you turning someone’s dog into your “chinese food supper”, loosely fitting canvas bathing suits for big people, putting big people in survival camps..and the list goes on..lol..

    You know what I love? I love that even though you’re American, you’re clear-headed enough to realize that there’s no reason to NOT have the metric system by now..seriously…and it’s funny how American TV shows sometimes “make fun of” Canadians for using the metric system, ’cause it’s so “off the wall”, and “crazy”…haha…

    I also love that you want people to brush their teeth more often; I have LONG advocated better breath for people (especially for when they are out in public/at work) but the epidemic only seems to be getting worse; I would even be happy to just have them chew gum or eat mints; seriously, i NEVER not have gum/mints throughout my workday (especially since i drink coffee)..it’s common curteousy!!

    I also love that you hate that movie “Boys and Girls”..I only managed to get through 20 minutes, but it was terrible, and (you’re right), NOT what I expected!!

    I also loved your Lord of the Rings reference in relation to having nightly fireworks; you’re awesome πŸ™‚

    Okay I probably should’ve spent this comment giving you my intelligent opinions and counter-opinions, but it’s Saturday afternoon, and I just felt like gushing πŸ˜‰

    PS: I can’t believe you said my blog is “32 flavours of super-sexy-cool”..you’re the best πŸ™‚

  8. Thicket: thanks!
    Talea: I’m seriously in love with your name. I love it. But thanks for supporting my movement to gt rid of both lazy people, and people who get up too early. If it’s dark, don’t get up. If it’s light, get your lazy ass up. Talea, you rock.

  9. Romi: I am not part of the contest. I just liked the idea. And you are welcome for the cake reference. It’s what I do. and I’m glad I have both a sense of humor and common sense. The metric system is the way to go! Sorry about Boys and Girls, life’s a bitch right!

    I would never ask for your intelligent opinion. I’m sure you have one. Possibly several, but I would like you to send me those in emails. Your smart shit should be private. Your crazy shit should be public! That’s what everyone wants! Except me, send me any smart opinions you have in an email, but leave your crazy shit for the internet!

    And when did I ever say your blog was “32 flavors of crazy-sexy-cool?”

  10. I dont want to UP the population of skanks.. but your a guy so i dont expect any less lol

    oh hey… i was on another blog last night and this guy had a thing 4 midgets too!! he sed its coz they make his dick look bigger and i was like “hmm.. duznt wats his name have a thing 4 midgets? oh how the mind does wonder”

    alright well i’ll tell you my inhumane idea but if its too much feel free to delete it

    You know how thers the third world of starving diseased people? well i think usa ( i pick you guys coz you have shitloads more money) shud go in and pick out some of them put them in quarentine and test them for diseases etc once they’re all clear keep them in quarenteene and teach them languages etc

    then when thats all done and dusted go in and like kill the rest of the fuckers and wipe out everything.. leave no stoned un turned. then work on rebuilding the land making it so it grows plants and what not all un infected by disease and get the people back in and teach them how to manage the place.

    i have told this to people b4 and they said “fuck putting people in quarentene just wipe the lot out!” but too me it would solve that whole aids and diesased problem in a simple yet effective way.

    anyway enough of that..

    you must have really good sense of smell i’ve never had a guy complain about the make up “stentch” b4… odd.

    ahh so the josh man was off his jokes? i shall 4give you but only coz i fell asleep at dinner tonight. lol

    well anywho im off to sleep coz im fucken knackerd.

    tootle pip
    have a good week comander supreme etc etc…

  11. The Queen: Damn. Just damn. That’s pretty harsh. But I like it. Maybe instead of Minister of Slutmo I’ll make you Chancellor of Genocide. Ad “knackered”, I like that too. I’ll have to google that one, but I would assume it means tired.

  12. Dude, “32 flavors of crazy sexy cool” is what pops up when the cursor is over my blog-link on your blog roll..hence…you wrote that…yes? (maybe you did it when you were drunk and you don’t remember…lol… πŸ˜‰ )

  13. Romi: Quite possibly. I do tend to get online when i am drinking. Also, I write so much crap between this blog and my comments on various other blogs, that I often can’t keep up with what I’ve written. But I think that’s an apt description of you and your blog. I would say at least 32 flavors, maybe even more.

  14. Woo.. i get to be Chancellor of genicide… it makes me sound evil.
    yes knackerd duz mean tired.

    atleast you dont think im totally weird… right???

  15. The Queen: I don’t even think you are a little bit weird. Trust me. You are a very normal and straight laced woman. I have seen some weird in my life, and you don’t even come close. But I love you anyway. You may not be weird, but you are awesome! I still have faith that you have some wicked weird hidden back behind the skeletons in one of your closets! But even if you don’t, I think we could be kindred spirits, in a red headed step child sort of way.

  16. Woo … im not even a little bit weird… and you love me! aaww.. thats awesome! hahahaha i prolly do have some wickid weird in the back of my closets it just doesnt come out (much) on the net.. i shall try my best to show you..

    ahh kindred spirits lol… i like it…
    your awesome im gonna go watch your video’s again lol

  17. The Queen: no lie, I am a huge Queen Bitch fan. Even though we have opposite views on many things, I think we’d be friends in real life. Most of my real life friends disagree with me on a lot of shit. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. Cause we have fun together. As long as you and I have fun together, it doesn’t matter who is weird, it don’t matter what political persuasion we are, and it doesn’t matter what we believe about religion. We both have fun together and that’s all that matters. Bartenders rules, good for all aspects of life.

  18. lol Yeah be in my fanclub!! hahahhahaha..
    i like having mates to disagree with if we all agreed on everything then it would be no fun! Religion would be a good one to disagree on.. i love that.. lol yes having fun would be good although i think you would lead me astray..

  19. If everyone ruled the world where would we all be! Oh, wait! Maybe we all DO rule the world… that figures!

  20. The Queen: I lead everyone astray. Call me Corruptor the mighty!

  21. LOL my gosh you have so many times im sposed to call you now. most of my comment space would be used up with your actual names!!

    anyway… corupt away… lol

  22. Hah, yes I am a man of many names. You can call me what ever you want though. As long as I know who you’re talking to I’m as happy as a dog in a butcher shop. Many people have called me by different names. Some of my friends don’t even know my real name! And those are real life friends that I’ve had for many years. It’s just part of who i am I suppose. Hell, for all you know I might not even be named Josh. πŸ˜‰

  23. I’ve been ranting about #6 for years. Many, many Americans are proud of not having switched to metric, and I can’t imagine why.

  24. Well that would suck you suit the name josh.
    what the hell do your mates call you? are they just like “oi dude” or “bro OI BRO” ??? hmmm interesting…

    yes you americans are weird NOT being in metric. its so confusing.

  25. The Queen: I’ve had a lot of weird names over the years, but for the last six years or so most of my friends and family have called me “Muffin”. Not joking, and yes I know it’s pretty gay. But I have gotten used to it, and now I respond to Muffin without even realizing they didn’t use my real name.

  26. hehhehehee muffin…

    thats like one of those things.. oxymoron! coz your like not a muffin and one would associate that with like a dog or someone that listens to pop music and doesnt drink or smoke.

    ahh muffin…

    thats goin to amuse me 4 days.

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