Thanksgiving dinner with my family.

Right, so I was going to post a blog about my pets, but the people went to sleep with the camera in their room because it’s the middle of the night, and I have to wait till at least tomorrow to do that. So instead I’m going to talk about Thanksgiving.

For those of you who don’t live here in the good ol’ USA, Thanksgiving is basically an excuse to feast on wickedly good home cooked grub. Now, historians and holiday enthusiasts may tell you Thanksgiving is a day to celebrate the fact that out early settlers managed to con the native peoples into helping our conniving asses make it through the early north eastern winters without freezing to death or running out of food. This is partially true. We did in fact barely make it, but that’s not the best part. Not only did we learn how to survive on local foods, but we did so in such a manner that we quickly blistered forth on this green continent into a massively contagious sore fest which completely obliterated almost any remnants of the original inhabitants.

There are still some left, and they live on reservations in the middle of nowhere. I am not sorry for them. That’s how history works. Look at the black folks over here. I shouldn’t have to apologize to them because my race was hundreds of years more advanced than theirs, and their tribal warlike people sold them as slaves into my peoples hands. It’s not my fault that white people have kicked everyones ass for most of recorded history. If you don’t like it, maybe you should travel back in time and tell your ancestors to stop chucking spears and start reading and writing. Whatever. Now the Indians have peyote, casinos, and they don’t have to pay taxes, so they’re doing at least as good as me. And the black folks aren’t stuck in a third world continent riddled with and AIDS epidemic and non stop civil wars and genocide. So fuck off and kwicher bitchin.

Anywho, we kicked ass and survived, and now we get together with our families to eat ridiculous amounts of food and watch football (american football, not soccer) and drink. I don’t know if Canada celebrates Thanksgiving or not. I would seem like we share some common settlers, butt who knows. You Cannucks do things your own way, and that’s all good in my book.

There are some basics you need to know about having a family Thanksgiving dinner here in America. First off, turkey. You have to have turkey, the bigger the better. And you have to cook that bitch whole. Like a twenty pound turkey would be good. And you have to stuff it with stuffing, which is soggy bread and sausage and sometimes cheese and raisins and beer. Actually, everyone has their own way to make stuffing, but sausage and cheese and beer and soggy bread are a good start in my opinion. and you have to cut it into huge slices and pile heaps of the crap on your plate before you even touch any of the other food. And everyone has to fight over who has to eat dark meat. And there should be one weird fucker there who likes the neck and giblets and gizzard and all that nasty hooplah. Usually you bake your turkey, but some people like to deep fry it. These people usually burn down their homes. Bake it.

After you have your turkey and stuffing established as a small mountain on your plate it’s time for side dishes. Now as Americans, when we get together as a family to feast, we have to have more food than you can eat in one helping. So at this point just grab a little bit of everything from the first half of the line. Around my home this usually means: cranberry sauce, mashed taters, sweet corn casserole, macaroni and cheese, gravy, bread of some sort, and a vegetable like broccoli or asparagus. Pile this as high as you can while still keeping it on your plate. Don’t worry, if your plate is too heavy and breaks, there is plenty more for the next few weeks, you can get a second batch. Now go sit down near whatever relatives you want to kill the least and dig in. Now that you have started shoveling food in your face, wait for your mother or aunt to bitch at you across the house to stop eating until everyone gets served and you all say grace. You don’t really have to close your eyes or bow your head for this. Mostly you just have to wait for one of the older men to somberly talk to his invisible friend for a few minutes, and when he’s done you can really dig in. Anyone who see’s you not participating won’t say shit because … and the survey says: they weren’t participating either, so screw em!

At this point some kids should come up to you and pester you for a few minutes to watch what they can do. Just ignore them, pretty soon their fat pregnant mother will waddle out of the kitchen and start screaming at them to go sit down at the children’s table and finish their plates or they won’t get any dessert. Now you will be accosted with questions from the older women of your tribe. Mostly these will be about why you don’t go to church or college, and why you don’t have a wife. (or husband) Blow these people off with some half assed answers mumbled through your taters and gravy, and hold out for a few more minutes until the men finish their first plates and settle in for the much slower and more intense second helping.

Now when you go up for your second helping there are a few must haves and a whole lot of your relatives crappy (but in their minds, delicious) side dishes. You need ham, duck, and any other meat available. Sometimes this will be pot roast, and some times this will be burgers and dogs, or grilled chicken. Whatever the case, get some of everything. Now you are down to the mediocre filler dishes. Get some slaw, if there is any. And sort of pick through the rest till you’ve got a pretty good, but not huge pile of food on your plate. Now go sit again. The kids and women will have busied themselves with their preferred activities, namely bouncing off the walls in front of the TV, and gossiping. Now you can talk about man things. (if you aren’t a man, you will have to go find a lady blog for the rest of our traditions during dinner, I know not what goes on)

For man time, you will probably get about two to four minutes of conversation in with one of your few cool cousins before your crazy uncle interrupts everyone to speak about his completely insane conspiracies involving the red Chinese taking over the world through sheer numbers, why gays are going to hell first, and whether speaking in tongues is required for getting into heaven or simply just highly suggested. You will not mention his idiocy or point out that he’s fucking crazy enough for a passing deaf, dumb, and blind toddler with cerebral palsy to pick up on the insanity of the entire argument from a distance of fifty paces. Nothing good will come of that, trust me. Also don’t ever say maybe he should try and work out how a condom works before he goes delving into the mysteries of the universe. Once again, shitville for whoever says that.

Now sit through fifteen or twenty minutes of his bull shit before the other men take over again and change the subject to hunting or football or the huge load of fireworks in the car that someone just got from South Carolina. Finish your plate and go out for a smoke and a digestion break. Stay there for half an hour at least. The turkey will be making your relatives slow and lethargic as they sit in the warmth. Use this to your advantage. Try and squeeze as mush food out of your stomach as possible and head back around to the kitchen for the third, but not final, plate of food.

This one is the best: dessert! There should be apple, pecan, minced meat, and pumpkin pie. There may or may not be cake and ice cream. There will definitely be someting made of fudge, something made of peanut butter, and several kinds of cookies, not to mention my mothers cherry cream salad. And if you are lucky, some warm out-of-the-oven cobbler. Georgia peaches are the best for this, but blueberries, blackberries, and cherries work pretty well in a cobbler pinch.

Go find a remote place to very slowly eat your dessert and hang out with your cousins. When you are finished, find something destructive to do. Usually this involves extreme ping pong, something with a dog, archery, firework battles, teaching kids stuff they shouldn’t know, or some combination of flaming material and heights. Continue this activity until someone freaks out and starts yelling or crying. Preferably crying. Now get ready to leave and go get wasted with your friends.

But wait Josh, we can’t leave yet, you said there was another plate of food! Yes indeed I did. Sneak back in amongst the crowd and FULLY load another plate or two with all of your favorites from the night. It works best if you can get several people working in unison to go grab a specific list of similar foods. (I’ll get the sweets, you get the meat, but not the chicken we have that at home, get lots of duck, it’s expensive, and you go grab the sides, but nothing too runny, we have to drive home, and no more mac and cheese, or potatoes, we have those already too, oooh, I almost forgot, get some more of those wicked sausage balls)

And that’s how you celebrate Thanksgiving in my family. It would be good to note that there are also some speeches about giving thanks, several prayers, and possibly songs performed by children who can’t sing worth a shit. I skipped most of that because it’s pretty much just living hell. So this year I’m thankful that I have a four day weekend. I’m thankful I don’t have to stay long. And I’m thankful I get to do it all over again with my girls family, wait what, come on! But see that thanksgiving dinner will be worth it because of the special dessert. If I don’t post again till next week, I’ll say hello to the beach for you.


14 responses to “Thanksgiving dinner with my family.

  1. YUM!! AMERICA HERE I COME!! you guys have like two holidays devoted to food!! you get thanksgiving this month and christmas next month!! wikid…

    HOLD UP… no posts til next week? oh what am i going to do? i spose i could like pack all my stuff…

    honestly josh/supreme commander/ etc….

  2. The Queen: I will probably post either tomorrow or Thursday. But I head out to the coast this weekend with my friends Kenny and Rachel to go see Rachel’s family. And Rachel is my womans sister, so I am going to go party with her. And I won’t be back until late Saturday or some time Sunday, so I might not get around to posting again till some time next week, but odds are I’ll have some spare time and won’t be able to resist my new addiction. Who knows, maybe I’ll say fuck the world and stay there with her forever. (sike!) It would be nice though.

    Yeah, the holidays are fucking awesome for food. Don’t y’all have food oriented holidays in New Zealand? You should. OMG, do you guys have eggnog down there? Cause eggnog is my absolute favorite food of the holiday seasons. It’s so GD good. Jesus will be ladling it out when you get to heaven, no shit. And I learned how to make it the other day. It tasted really good even when i made it. One ultimate beverage down, next up: horchata.

  3. Ahhh i see… well party up 4 me too.. just dont do anything too illegal :p

    err.. we have easter! a whole holiday devoted to eating chocolate.. and then thers waitangi day which is aboutt the signing of the treaty and maori and pakeha becoming one as a nation (read between the lines..blah blah blah blah) which is just a nice day off work. and then theres christmas which is when we all eat and sit around doin nuffin.. maybe play criket if its sunny..

    eggnog? noooooo i havent come across it. heard of it though… send me some! just chuck it in your cd rom 🙂 tasty…
    whats horchata?

    hehehe y’all is funny..

  4. Once again, my heart swoons. This is one of the greatest posts I’ve ever read in my extensive (ha) blogging career.
    First, I love your paragraph about natives and blacks. Cuz it’s all true. They were all born into the same world as us nowadays, and they have all the same possibilities. I do not feel sorry for them. Other minority groups have managed to succeed in shorter periods of time than they have…..apparently doing things is more effective than bitching.
    Moving on!
    Yes, Canada celebrates Thanksgiving. But it isn’t as big a deal up here. Plus, we celebrate it in October, not November. Cuz we do things all crazy up here.
    I can’t go through point by point about what i love about each paragraph, or this’ll turn into a novel. Just know it’s a fantastic post, reminiscent of the one I wrote about how to ignore people by pretending you don’t see them. It was a great one.
    Awesome. Post. Enjoy your turkey dude.

  5. I have enjoyed your comments so much on Sundry’s blog that I veered over here. I have kids your age which makes me old, but hey! I am truly enjoying your blogging!

    This was a fabulous post…..reminded me so much of Tgiving at my in-laws that I felt like I’d already been there for dinner. So does that mean I don’t have to go tomorrow? heh heh They are just so…well, odd, y’know? How my husband managed to get out of that family alive and intact is beyond me.

    Have an enjoyable weekend and stay out of trouble. (Sorry, “mom” talk comes out of my mouth so naturally….)

  6. P.S……Did I just lose 6 hours of my free time today? It’s 3:06 PM for christssake?

  7. Yes, I’m all up with Talea on this one, verbatim. Except I can explain why our Thanksgiving is earlier: our harvest comes earlier, livin’ in the north and all.

    My Thanksgiving: go to Mom’s house for dinner. Drink. A lot. Sit morosely next to my ‘troubled’ teen brother, pick at non-meat entities and have conversation with only intelligent person at table: my mother’s boyfriend, who is five years older than me. This pisses mother off, she ends up driving me to the train station an hour earlier than planned. Then go to my Lovely Friend’s house for her giant all-family thanksgiving because she knows I hate my family and could really use my support with her own crazy family. I love my Lovely Friend. Completely disregard Dad’s side of the family, ignore their calls and turn phone off. Leave Lovely Friend’s house well after midnight amidst her thankfulness and drunkenness and promises to help each other through the nightmare of Christmas.

    Go home, thank whatever power above that I’ve made it through another year, light up a joint and go to sleep. Yeaaaaaaaaaaah.

    Anyways, I’ve totally rambled. This post kills my shit. I heart it. You enjoy all the stuffing you want dude.

  8. The Queen: I almost never go a day without breaking the law, just out of principal. I swear to you, this Thanksgiving weekend will be no different. How ’bout instead of me being good, you go out and break some laws of your own? Perhaps take a note from Green Metropolis down a few comments? And what sort of food stuff do you get to enjoy on waitangi day? Hah, cricket! That’s like baseball with a flat bat with a hole in it right? What’s with the hole? And I’m going to probably post another blog soon about foods I love with some recipes, so I’ll explain horchata then. It’s a Mexican rice drink basically. Wicked delish!

    Talea: Yay! I swooned a heart! Go me! Well I’m glad I’m not racist now for pointing out the truth. I’ve got a scathing blog brewing about reverse racism in America coming up pretty soon, I just don’t know when I’ll boil over on the subject. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving last month, ok?

    Belle: Being old enough to be my parent is not a bad thing, it means you haven’t died yet, so congrats on that. Also, I’m glad I’m not the only one with dysfunctional holiday get togethers. There are hardly any cops in the little beach town I’m headed to, so the odds of me getting caught doing whatever I end up doing are pretty low compared to Raleigh standards. Plus I already have some DD’s, so I won’t kill myself either. As far as the time, I have no idea what the hell is up with all that crap. It’s way off for me too. I haven’t tried figuring out how to switch it to eastern standard, I will eventually.

    Emerald: Ahh Emerald, I truly expected you would understand where I’m coming from on this post. Welcome to dysfunction junction. And I love your description of how it goes for you! I am sure I will post more descriptions of how my family relates to each other in the future. Let me know if it sounds like home ok? And holy shit I miss sparking up right before bed time. I used to sleep through the night you know? It was nice. I’ll not only enjoy all the stuffing I want, and then some, but I’ll eat some for you too.

  9. so do i hafta break some more laws after my last post? i’ll see what i can come up with. im all into breaking laws as long as i dont get caught! so should i take a few pointers from Green Metropolis and get stoned and go to sleep? i would how ever i havent been stoned 4 ages (nearly a year) but i shall work on it. coz honestly it’d b good right now.. ooh the whole of xmas stoned out of my tree… mint…

    i bet its horrace which is why everyone calls you josh.
    noo… i dont think the cricket bat has a hole in it… that would be dumb.. theres the cricket bat. the 3 wickets and the ball.. you made me so uncertain i just googled images for cricket bats and none of them had holes in them! woo!

    what sort of food do we have on waitangi (say it why-tongue- eee) day? um.. its usually just bbq stuff sausages, chops, grilled peppers.. vast amounts of alcohol.. im almost inspired to do like a christmas post.. almost lol…
    ooh yay!! do a post with receipies.. actually while y’all here do you know how to cook a turkey on a bbq?

  10. The Queen: Not really, you don’t have to break any laws. I was just messing with you. there’s nothing wrong with being a good little girl. Although, getting stoned before bed is one of the most benign crimes ever, seriously. And Horrace? Really? How do you figure me for a Horrace? No really, my name is Josh. And I could have sworn they had holes in the bat-boards. But I’ve never even seen cricket played, i just sort of know about it vicariously through common knowledge.

    Waitangi food sounds pretty good to me. What sort of peppers do you grill, and do you grill just the peppers, or stuff them with something?

    And a quick lesson in southern speak. Y’all is short for “you all”, and is the incorrect but pleasing plural form of you. So if you wanted to say, “actually, while you are all here,” you would shorten it to, “actually, while y’all are all here,” or, “actually, while ya’ll’re all here,”. Y’all’re is a serious redneck shortening of the phrase though, and it would be pronounced yoll-er. And I would assume you would cook a turkey the same way you would cook a pig. Just do it real slow on a low temperature, all day and night if you have to, and keep that bitch well slathered with sauce so it doesn’t dry out. Maybe even keep it wrapped in aluminum foil while you cook it so none of the juice escapes. We pretty much just bake and fry our turkeys over here. I don’t know what sort of barbecue sauce you all use down there, but I sure wouldn’t use our Carolina vinegar base for turkey. It would taste funky as hell. I suppose you could bake the turkey and then bbq the sliced up meat, that would be kick ass!

  11. oh i like breaking laws (as long as i dont get caught coz im still a good girl in that sense) I was in the car once with a mate and we got pulled up by a pig and we chatted away etc.. and i had a joint and a pipe in my bag.. til this day my mate doesnt know and neither does the cop (obviously)

    no i dont know what sport has a bat with a hole in it… but its not criket.. yeah you guys are weird not playing cricket its a good outdoor sport with the family.

    nah uh.. ur name isnt josh… im telling ya its not…

    peppers? im talkin like capsicums n stuff not like chilli pepers.. so its usually like red or green not so much yellow thy dont do much 4 me.. and just cut up and grilled not the whole thing.. that would be greedy..

    thank you for that quick lesson in the correct mispronounciation of the words “you all” i shall find a way to use it. yoll-er sounds funny im gonna start talkin like a southern american with a kiwi accent.. choice.. i think i can kinda pronounce y’all … coz korn haave that song y’all want a single? and i sing along to that.. when no one is around..

    hmm.. i asked bout the turkey coz scott wants to bbq one on a rotissarie on the bbq im sure he’ll sort it out … except he doesnt like cook turkeys much or bbq so it should b interesting lol

  12. The Queen: So you do smoke pot after all, I was sort of wondering. I suppose I just made up a sport with a hole in the bat. I don’t know. Capsicum, I like that. We call them bell peppers here, but apparently after a quick google search, capsicum is the correct name. I’ve been eating those things grilled for my whole life and never knew they were called capsicums, go fig. I’d like to hear somone say y’all with a kiwi accent. Very cool.

  13. Yes i do smoke pot occasionally. if you had some right now i wouldnt say no. hmm there could be some bat with a hole in it somewhere in the world.
    Yes capsicum. i always called them peppers too then years ago i started working at a supermarket and i needed to find a pepper and i didnt no where they were. so thats how i found out!

    yes id like to hear someone with a kiwi accent. i dont really hear it much. i dont hear american acents much either. odd. nice avatar i see you got it working.

  14. The Queen: I thought a kiwi accent was your basic New Zealand accent. They’re different? Actually I just pulled up New Zealand on google maps to compare it to the east coast of america, and it’s a lot bigger than i thought it was. So I suppose there could be regional accents. New Zealand could stretch all the way from here in NC all the way up to Canada. That’s a whole lot of accents. Wow, I learn something new every day. I feel slightly less dumb now.

    Is my avatar working? I still can’t see it.

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