My pets are kick ass. Well the one is. Venus, not so much.

So I have pets. I realize this doesn’t really set me apart from everyone else on the planet, but mine are pretty sweet. Well, not my cat really, she’s a psycho freak. But my snake is cool. Now pets have been a tradition in my family for as long as I can remember. We have baby photo’s of me as an infant, propped up in the corner of the couch. And my parents had this cat named Snoopy, and it would run along the couch and smack me on the side of the head. And since all babies are stupid, I would look, but it would be over on the other side by then. And we would repeat this until my parents got tired of laughing their asses of at my drooly confusion and toss me in a crib or a closet or wherever they kept me.

My mom was always a big nature person, so growing up we almost always had some sort of pet. My first memory of having my own pet was some hamsters we got. I couldn’t tell you what their names were, or what color they were, I just remember being really sad and crying when they died. So we got some lizards. The next time we were down visiting family in Florida we went out and caught a bunch of those little anole lizards that run wild everywhere down there. And we put them in this terrarium near the back door. And to feed them we would take my baby brothers diapers and lay them in the yard. And whenever the flies showed up as a team, we would go sit next to the crap pile and hold one of those plastic grocery bags over it until all the flies stopped flying around and settled on the poo. And then we simply slammed the bag down over them, and they would fly to the top, and we could pinch the bottom, careful not to grab any poo. And then we could let them loose in the terrarium and cheer for the hunting that ensued.

Later on we owned a series of fish, rodents, reptiles, and all sorts of bugs. It was a regular zoo for most of my childhood.

Anyway, skip ahead to my adult life, a year or two ago. I was living with Nate and Sami for the first time back then. And I was simply relaxing at home on a Saturday morning, drinking a bud and watching Magnum P.I., or Charmed or some such crap. Nate and Sami get home from shopping and let me know they have a surprise for me, and ooh boy was I excited. (excited = wary and unenthusiastic) Without consulting me they had gone out and gotten a cat for me to take care of. It was the gift that keeps on giving, fresh new bills. I really didn’t want a cat, but I said fuck it and agreed to keep the runt. (she really was the runt)

Well it turns out that it wasn’t so much a cat as it was the furry hell spawn of some demented demon. Not cool at all. She was a lovely kitten mostly. She had a tendency to attack my weiner through the sheets when I was sleeping. And nothing says “please kick me into the wall on the other side of the room” quite like clawing someone in the pee hole whilst they lie defenseless. But besides the weiner attacks, she was pretty cool. She house trained just fine. She didn’t destroy crap. She didn’t mewl all night, unless I locked her out of my room. I actually liked her a lot back then.

I decided she needed a name suited for royalty. I named her Venus DeMilo, the Duchess of Kittyston, cutest province in all of Catlandu. But then she grew up. And now she hates everyone. Whines all the time. Destroys everything. Eats incessantly. And attacks the crap out of the other cat. She would make a much better out door cat. She’s a good mouser, but no so cool inside.

My other pet is much cooler. His name is Musclini. Like the Italian dictator, but with muscles! Very clever right? I know, it is. Musclini is a red tail boa I got from a friend of my brothers who worked in pest control and removal. He was pussy whipped and his woman told him he wasn’t allowed to have the snake when she moved in. that was also about the time that we never saw him again because she controls everything he does and everywhere he goes. Anyway, we think it’s about 2 1/2 years old. It’s somewhere around 7’3″. And it eats the largest size feeder rat they have available. One of those gnarly bastards every two weeks.

You may notice Ziggy hanging behind me. I am actually standing on my bed in those pics, and Ziggy is the skeleton who hangs in front of the window next to my bed. I really do love Halloween. Ziggy has been a year round staple in my various rooms since I bought him a while back.

Any way. Those are my pets. Here’s some picture from around the house recently.