Observations from the A.M.


Looking back on my life, with the benefit of hind sight, I realize that most of the best things that happen, happen in the wee hours of the morning. It’s my personal witching hour. I often wake up, with not a damn thing to do, and no chance of sleep, so I switch on the television, pop open a beer, and observe the world. I get the feeling sometimes that people are more honest with themselves at five in the morning. After the initial hate fest brought on by my hangover, I settle into this valley of peace and tranquility. A large portion of my upper brain shuts down. Not like actual sleep, but a cessation of cognitive thought. And all of God’s green creation comes into crystal sharp focus. I realize things that I wouldn’t normally realize.

Like how many marriages has Shania Twain ruined? I would assume that the video for Don’t alone has untold numbers of men leaving their women to go ride horses with Ms. Twain, or walk through fields of, … what the hell is that crap? Agave? I don’t know. And how did she even get on that horse wearing that gigantic dress. Was there some sort of crane or a pulley system? I mean, you would assume gravity wasn’t happy about that whole arrangement. Did Conway Twitty own a mirror? And What the hell is up with Keith Urban’s drummer? Seriously, am I the only guy that thinks this face should never ever exist?

nasty

I haven’t always been a fan of country music. I was raised Christian, and therefore unaware that good music even existed. I wasn’t allowed to listen to the radio, and for sure forbidden from anything labeled as “the devil’s music”. But round about middle school I discovered rock and roll, and try as my parents might, I was hell bent on living out this new rock thing I had found. No more Newsboys for me, and DC Talk could suck a dick as far as I was concerned. Rock and roll was the only good and decent noise I would ever listen to again. Except it wasn’t. Later on I discovered that there’s a whole lot of music out there that despite not being fueled by the devil, is pretty bad ass none the less. I think it was Hank Jr. that converted me. Whatever the case, I now love me some country.

Another good early morning activity is watching the crop reports. If you have never gotten your ass up super early and watched a crop report, you haven’t lived. They come on at four or five in the A.M. and believe you me, it’s worth the red eye to peel your peepers open and take in one of these bee-otches. It’s like a parody of a parody of the news in parody form. I honestly don’t think I can communicate to you exactly how ridiculous it is. Imagine the most country ass, red neck, cousin fucker you have ever met, with the thickest accent you have ever heard. Now imagine this guy telling you the weather and news as it pertains to farming. It’s wild.

Also, tele-evangelism is awesome. I may hate church, but I love me some Hollywood church. It’s so ridiculously fake and retarded. I want to jump through the screen and choke the life out of these douche bags. But I can’t take my eyes off of the whole embarrassment. It’s so fucking awesome.

In fact, now that I think about it, I hooked up with my woman early in the morning. It was the morning after I married Kenny and Rachel, and I woke up stupid early because I had slept in the chair in the living room. And Sarah was there, sleeping on the couch, and her folks were in the back bedroom, cause Kenny and Rachel were gone on their honeymoon. So I woke up, my neck was all cracked out and sore, and I had some mystery bruises on me. I remembered later it was because I was trying to help Sarah into the house (she was a bit tipsy after the wedding) and she tackled me off the front porch into the bushes. That was the exact moment I knew I was interested in her. I guess she knocked some sense into me or something, but I distinctly remember laying there in the bushes, trying to help Sarah up, and thinking to myself, “you dumb ass, why the hell didn’t you figure this shit out before now? She’s leaving tomorrow you know?”

And so I slept in the chair and woke up sore because I wanted to get a little more time with her in the morning. And I woke up really early, watched the crop report, and woke her up just in time for the Jack Van-Impe ministries. And apparently, her vagina was hanging out, (she slept in her bride’s maid dress) but I missed it. I was pretty bummed out at the time, but it all worked out alright in the end.

I suppose I should update on my holiday trip to the beach. It was meh. Meh. Meh. I didn’t have to meet any family. I didn’t have to meet very many of her friends. Not a whole lot of anything actually happened. I did see the most fucking awesome liquor store I have ever seen in my life. If heaven has a liquor store, it will be like the one in Beaufort North Carolina. No shit, it was gigantic, and shiny, and it smelled like happiness. First off, it was at least double the size of any liquor store I have ever been in. It was huge. Most ABC stores are tiny, poorly lit, and have a vague odor of vagrants. But this one had gigantic isles, every thing was clean, and orderly, and there was a bar. For real, an actual bar, in the liquor store. Holy hell that’s awesome. A long time ago, back before I was born, apparently my mom was a bar tender at an ABC liquor lounge. And the whole bar slowly spun in circles, like that scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. At least that’s the word on the street. That must be where I get it.

It would seem that I’m a ten year old. The reason being, I laughed my ass off every time we saw a sign for crabs. Hahahahaha! Crabs! I’m still laughing about it! That and this place called Dick Parker Ford. Due to a comedically placed flag, it looked a lot like Dick Packer Ford. I laughed for a good ten minutes on that one. And apparently I’m a dork. Because when we pulled into the back of Sarah’s friends trailer park, I saw her back yard was THE FUCKING OCEAN! So I ran back and climbed down the rocks, and dumped my head in the water. I mean, I’m not traveling all that way without getting a little wet. Well the locals all thought I was crazy. But I told them I was just excited to see the ocean. They quickly informed me that that was not if fact the ocean, but rather Bogue sound. And if I wanted to see the ocean I would have to trek my land lubber ass over to the other side of the island, and blah, blah, blah. But I told them, if the water is salty, it’s the fuckin ocean, and I don’t give a flying fuck who you are, you’d better not tell me otherwise because dammit, I’m trying to enjoy myself here!

But I really didn’t have that great a time down there. I wish I had gotten a little more time with Sarah, and a little less time with her friends. Also, apparently Sarah is a completely different person when her parents are around. She’s incredibly affectionate and likable when they aren’t around. But once they are, she doesn’t even know me. It sort of pissed me off. I’ll just write off the whole trip as one long crap fest. The food was good though. And I consumed my weight in Sailor Jerry’s rum. And any rum that was brewed up by a tattoo artist is pretty bad ass. Just a few more weeks till I get to see Sarah’s honkytonk badonkadonk again. I hate dating.

Update: I was dunking my head in Core sound, not Bogue sound, and I was on the mainland, not an island. My bad everyone, I know you really care how geographically correct my blog is.

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11 responses to “Observations from the A.M.

  1. LMAO, I loved you for saying that drummer’s face should never ever exist, hahaha 🙂

    And every Mon-Fri, I can be found eating Cheerios on the couch at 5 in the AM, and I usually find myself watching some NYC morning-news, like “The CW”..there’s this one “traffic report” chick on there, and she has really big ta-tas, and she’s always dressed/made-up like she’s about to go out to a club…it creeps me out..

  2. ahoy hoy!!
    OMG i cant beleive you like country music too!! i hid this secret music fettish 4 a while lol sometimes its just good you know?? i dont watch morning news its pretty gay over here.

    LOL i cant watch the god shows on tv i wind up getting angry and abusing the tv but im glad you can find them funny 🙂
    hahahahhahahahhaha.. you’d love it over here we’re basically surrounded by water bout 30mins drive gets you to a BEACH!

    sucks that your weekend wasnt quite as good as you were hoping but as you said you get to see sarahs honkytonk badonkadonk soon so yay!!

    tootle pip

  3. Romi: I looooove local news. Especially the weather people. And Greg Fishel is out local weather man. I mean, there are a few others, but Greg could kick their ass. And I tune into one specific news station every morning because they have the only hot news lady. I don’t however like cheerios. They’re too bland. I’m more of a chocolate lucky charms guy.

    The Queen: I bet it’s wicked cool living near the beach. And I think there’s a lot of people who secretly love country. I don’t really have to hide it much because I live in the middle of the bible belt and country music is pretty standard around here.

  4. No way dude, multi-grain Cheerios come equipped with a hint of honey, and add some sliced strawberries curteousy of Romi’s half-asleep/potentially dangerous activity of blindly slicing strawberries, and it’s good effin’ times! 🙂

  5. Um.. yeah i dont go to the beach much the last time i went i made scott get out and we went in the water. fully clothed. I dont hide my love of country much these days. especially coz i brought the new spice girls cd! so im not sure which is worse lol

  6. Whoah! Definately the Spice Girls. They are waaaaaay worse. If fact, I had no idea they are still together. I mean, posh is over here in America with David while he tries to figure out that nobody over here cares about soccer. And last I heard from Ginger, she was doing the whole Playboy thing.

  7. Sorry your weekend wasn’t quite what you anticipated. Yes, it’s quite normal for people to act differently around their parents. I was that way….I mean, I was the same person, just didn’t feel as “free” to act like myself. They had certain expectations and standards and I just slipped back into their world when I was around them. (Still do, and I’m 58 years old, for god’s sake.) Your next visit with Sarah needs to be just the two of you!

    I love country music, too. When I slipped over to the dark side after growing up with Jimi Hendrix, the Doors, Bob Dylan and whatever else charmed me in the 70s and early 80s, I realized I actually liked being able to understand the lyrics. Plus hearing a beautiful voice is nice as well. Funny, I just read this morning that country music has more references to drugs and alcohol than rock n’ roll. Go figure!

    I usually can think up all kinds of doom and gloom in the wee hours and that’s some scary shit. The logical thinking does come with the dawn!

  8. Belle: Thanks. I really do hope everything turns out all right. I don’t want to get into it too much, but after rereading my blog I realize that I really played down the drama of the weekend. It was bad. We definitely do need some alone time. And we’re not going to get it. Hopefully we’ll last long enough to see each other again. Wish me luck.

  9. … hope your ok if it helps write a post but then dont publish it i do that sometimes but im a girl so maybe its diff..

    good luck times like infinity 🙂

  10. The Queen: Way ahead of you. I’ve probably written the same post four times now. And I never do publish it. It’s good therapy. Thanks darlin, times infinity. And i took care of everything. Well, not everything, but all the stuff I have control over. Me and the woman are all good, so I’m happy.

  11. oh good! it is good therepy.. sometimes i publish mine coz i want to see what other ppl think.. I’m glad you and your woman are good.. 🙂

    Yay 🙂

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