OK, Romi posted a blog about starbucks (no capital letter for their name, they have lost that privilege) and it inspired me to share my own experience with the corn holing jerk offs that work in what I would like to call Satan’s taint.
Wow. Yeah, I just had my very first starbucks experience recently. I’m the sort of person who would rather drink sludgy, burnt, ass-water from a pot that’s never been washed, in a work shop filled with VD and fire ants, which stinks of other peoples fresh liquid turds, than ever have to interact with people in a fucking coffee shop.
I hate coffee shop people. (no offense ass holes) We’ve got this joint called Cup O’ Joe down near the college district, and I’ve been in there a few times. It sucked, never again. The crowd was all a bunch of college intellectuals who want to look all hip and god damned trendy with their half emo/half homeless hobo suit jacket with Buddy Holly glasses and probably a fucking scarf in seventy degree weather outfit. Suck my nuts you poser douche bags. I actually thought college folks were smart when I was younger. Now that i have passed the age where I should have graduated college, I look back on these jerk offs (not all of you, some of you are chicks, and some of those chicks are the type of chicks I would not like to choke the life out of, and some of those chicks are actually cute and interesting. So 1.117% of college people don’t deserve naked death by furnace) I am really not sure why I ever saw these people as anything but retards who have no fucking idea who they are or what life is all about. Also, there was the I’m-too-with-it-to-work-in-an-office nut stains. Go get a fucking office. We all know you either are too poor to get one, too lazy to actually do any work, or you are just pretending. I used to have a boss like you. I quit because he looked up goatse in his bluetooth-coffee-banana-hammock of a starbucks lounge while I froze my ass off in the dead of winter building shit with my peasant poor calloused hands while we allegedly split the work and profit. Get a fucking job and by the way, fuck you and your fucking entire way of life.
So anyway, I went into this ritzy ass starbucks on the wealthy side of town, and everything is shiny and new, with no bullet holes or racist ramblings carved into it, and I walk up to this ridiculously huge menu board. But there’s no where to inconspicuously read the shit. You have to stand right in front of the coffee fucks. (they are not baristas)
So this coffee woman starts with the blah blah, and I’m all, “hold on woman, I’m trying to read.” So she cocks her coffee F’in head to the side and stares at me for thirty minutes while I read the fine print menu which is posted forty or fifty feet above eye level. And I’m all bleary eyed and pissy and cramped up from sleeping on a road trip in a car. (that’s right, I would never have gone to starbucks in the first place if I wasn’t woken up suddenly and coerced by a vagina. My mind wasn’t processing the information fast enough to recognize the bull shit ahead of me. I hate coffee shops!)
Finally I spot something with “eggnog” in it, and I order that. I pay the chipper fag up at the counter, you know the one who worked with Jennifer Aniston in Office Space, and then I had to wait for fucking ever to get my shit made. And THEN I had to go add sugar and chocolate and all sorts of creamer and shit because apparently three hours to make coffee doesn’t include flavor or anything good at all. Just scalding hot piss water that burns the living shit out of your fucking mouth so you won’t even be able to taste the beer you drink when you get home to calm down from the shitty ass starbucks ass raping.
I swear to Allah, I completely understand why hippies and the folks on Fight Club want to destroy that hell hole of a coffee shop. Global commercialism, consumerism, corporate elitism, anti small market, common man screwing-over-ism be damned. I just hate starbucks because they suck. I’ll wake my own ass up early enough to get to work and brew my own pot of Foldiers stingy-blend and mix in my own powdered creamer, sweet-n-low, (yes my company is too cheap to buy sugar, we salvaged the sweet-n-low from a trailer that we fixed) and cold water so I can instantly drink my crappy bull shit coffee and wake up in peace. I’m willing to sacrifice the flavor to save me eighty bucks and the hassle of dealing with the worst ass holes I’ve ever met.