Starbucks is cool. (cool = fucktarded)

OK, Romi posted a blog about starbucks (no capital letter for their name, they have lost that privilege) and it inspired me to share my own experience with the corn holing jerk offs that work in what I would like to call Satan’s taint.

Wow. Yeah, I just had my very first starbucks experience recently. I’m the sort of person who would rather drink sludgy, burnt, ass-water from a pot that’s never been washed, in a work shop filled with VD and fire ants, which stinks of other peoples fresh liquid turds, than ever have to interact with people in a fucking coffee shop.

I hate coffee shop people. (no offense ass holes) We’ve got this joint called Cup O’ Joe down near the college district, and I’ve been in there a few times. It sucked, never again. The crowd was all a bunch of college intellectuals who want to look all hip and god damned trendy with their half emo/half homeless hobo suit jacket with Buddy Holly glasses and probably a fucking scarf in seventy degree weather outfit. Suck my nuts you poser douche bags. I actually thought college folks were smart when I was younger. Now that i have passed the age where I should have graduated college, I look back on these jerk offs (not all of you, some of you are chicks, and some of those chicks are the type of chicks I would not like to choke the life out of, and some of those chicks are actually cute and interesting. So 1.117% of college people don’t deserve naked death by furnace) I am really not sure why I ever saw these people as anything but retards who have no fucking idea who they are or what life is all about. Also, there was the I’m-too-with-it-to-work-in-an-office nut stains. Go get a fucking office. We all know you either are too poor to get one, too lazy to actually do any work, or you are just pretending. I used to have a boss like you. I quit because he looked up goatse in his bluetooth-coffee-banana-hammock of a starbucks lounge while I froze my ass off in the dead of winter building shit with my peasant poor calloused hands while we allegedly split the work and profit. Get a fucking job and by the way, fuck you and your fucking entire way of life.

So anyway, I went into this ritzy ass starbucks on the wealthy side of town, and everything is shiny and new, with no bullet holes or racist ramblings carved into it, and I walk up to this ridiculously huge menu board. But there’s no where to inconspicuously read the shit. You have to stand right in front of the coffee fucks. (they are not baristas)

So this coffee woman starts with the blah blah, and I’m all, “hold on woman, I’m trying to read.” So she cocks her coffee F’in head to the side and stares at me for thirty minutes while I read the fine print menu which is posted forty or fifty feet above eye level. And I’m all bleary eyed and pissy and cramped up from sleeping on a road trip in a car. (that’s right, I would never have gone to starbucks in the first place if I wasn’t woken up suddenly and coerced by a vagina. My mind wasn’t processing the information fast enough to recognize the bull shit ahead of me. I hate coffee shops!)

Finally I spot something with “eggnog” in it, and I order that. I pay the chipper fag up at the counter, you know the one who worked with Jennifer Aniston in Office Space, What a jerk off!and then I had to wait for fucking ever to get my shit made. And THEN I had to go add sugar and chocolate and all sorts of creamer and shit because apparently three hours to make coffee doesn’t include flavor or anything good at all. Just scalding hot piss water that burns the living shit out of your fucking mouth so you won’t even be able to taste the beer you drink when you get home to calm down from the shitty ass starbucks ass raping.

I swear to Allah, I completely understand why hippies and the folks on Fight Club want to destroy that hell hole of a coffee shop. Global commercialism, consumerism, corporate elitism, anti small market, common man screwing-over-ism be damned. I just hate starbucks because they suck. I’ll wake my own ass up early enough to get to work and brew my own pot of Foldiers stingy-blend and mix in my own powdered creamer, sweet-n-low, (yes my company is too cheap to buy sugar, we salvaged the sweet-n-low from a trailer that we fixed) and cold water so I can instantly drink my crappy bull shit coffee and wake up in peace. I’m willing to sacrifice the flavor to save me eighty bucks and the hassle of dealing with the worst ass holes I’ve ever met.


8 responses to “Starbucks is cool. (cool = fucktarded)

  1. Hahahahaha…I’m loving how my posts have been inspiring others lately…well that psycho-freak I wrote about was a total-ass face “barista”, and yes, I wanted to kick his ass…but, underneath it all (I hold my breath before telling you this), I am a whorish-starbucks-addict…when I get to my desk at 8am, I cannot log into my computer without having a big flavoured latte glued to my left hand….and sure I could drink regular coffee, or make some in the office kitchen, but that tastes like pond-scum, and I like stuff that’s good and that is addicting (as starbucks lattes are)..yes it’s elitist, yes it’s expensive, yes it kills the little guy BUT…it is one of my frailties…and hopefully I have not been tainted in your eyes as a result 😉

  2. PS: LOL!!! I totally just read the comment you left on my blog…hahaha…yeah, I SO agree with you, in an “isolated” incident kind of way…like fuck the people, but the lattes are still my vice; does that make me a bad person??? 😉

  3. Oh no. I’m afraid we can’t be blog friends anymore. Have we made it that far yet? I mean, talk of tranny’s and such…seems like a friendship in the making.

    Ok, I’m totally kidding. If there was a decent coffee place around here besides Fourbucks, I’d go there. But I do love the Carmel Frap. Heaven in a cup.

  4. Romi: I hold no grudge against anyone who is a starbucks whore. (not that you’re a whore) It’s all good. I was really just joking about all that little guy bull shit. I couldn’t care less. That little guy lives in some other country, where they make my foldiers shite-blend. Screw him. I understand why people love the coffee. I’ve had good coffee and I liked it, I just hate coffee shops and the atmosphere there. I accidentally left out the story about how I was propped up against the wall, and the next table over was some classy looking broad, and I was cussing underneath my breath cause I burnt myself. And she got up and moved away from me because i was distracting her from not being hungover and poor. I laughed in her face when she did. Then I sucked on a tube of triple antibiotic ointment for five days.

    Kristie: It’s never too soon to be e-buddies! Welcome friend! Feel no shame for loving the Starbucks. Many many people do. They do have good coffee I hear. Just the one I tried sucked ass and burnt. And the people who worked there sucked. And the people who chilled there were dicks. But I’m sure it wasn’t you. You like trannies, how could you possibly be uncool? I read some of your blogs, I know you are the shit! There’s nothing like a sex addicted, tranny loving, milf hyped up on coffee. Well, I just wouldn’t feel at home without one in my front office everyday. (just kidding, she’s a gilf, not a milf)

  5. OMG i cant believe you guys are having a crap time with starbucks!! didnt starbucks orginate in the usa? i heart starbucks.. especially a white chocolate mocha with a shot of raspberry.. or a peperment frappachino. or a peppermint mocha… or a mocha… and a p apple and blueberry muffin..

    oh yeah im such a coffee whore! the ppl in starbucks are quite weird though last time i was in their this asian shelia had her laptop and was holding it up to her ear for a good 20mins and laughing.

    Quite peculier.

  6. The Queen: Yeah yeah, apparently everyone loves starbucks. Whatever. I still hate starbucks. If everyone jumped off of a cliff into a ravine filled with jagged ass hole rocks and a river of overpriced coffee, would you? Hell, live and let live I guess. Just because starbucks is evil doesn’t mean people can’t enjoy it. I mean look at rock and roll and kinky sex, both are probably evil in thier own way, yet still quite the fun activities. And ten points for “sheila”. I totally forgot that one. Steve Irwin used to use that a lot on his crocs. I’ll add that to my list of new words. I can’t even remember them all now, I should write them down next to my computer and save them up for a blog on international slag and interesting yet obscure terms.

  7. lol i did have a list of words on my blog but i 4get to add to it i shall do so once we get the net sorted.

    interestingly no i wouldnt jump into a river with sharp rocks and what not i can deal with like normal coffee if i must lol

    rock and roll and kinky sex are good..

    oh doris is another good name 4 chicks my mate uses that a lot.

  8. I find places like Starbucks (Gloria Jeans in Oz) to be too elitist and soulless and not to mention retarded, like the whole brand name of Tommy Hilfiger. Plus, art in a restaurant should never be applauded. Ever.

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