Yeah, I know, I just posted this morning. I usually try and limit myself to one post per day, at the most, but I know I will forget this if I don’t post it soon, and I think it is super funny. Now before I start the story, you need to know a little bit about my little brother Nate. He’s really good at smooth talking his way out of trouble, and he’s really good at finding loopholes in the rules. It’s sort of a family tradition to buck the authority. My parents pretend to be good obedient little Christians, but I can state clear examples of how they’ve been sticking it to the man all the way back to my early childhood. It’s in our blood. We can’t help it.
Nate has this knack for landing himself in situations where he has to deal with overly politically correct ass holes. The kind who love red tape and order and never breaking the mold. For instance, he got kicked out of high school for dealing drugs. I think, or maybe it was selling candy in the caffeteria, I can’t remember. One of those two. [Edit: Nate wants me to clarify, after reading the blog, that both of those were in fact true. He was selling Jolly Ranchers laced with acid in the cafeteria. And he didn’t get caught, he wants me to point out that he was only busted because his nut-job goody goody Christian pseudo-girlfriend ratted him out to the principle. Sami said something catty about the bitch and then racanted because she doesn’t want to look like a troublesome woman] Anywho, he gets sent to the only other option in Garner, a private Christian high school. Hah! like that wasn’t a dumb idea from the start. Of course he’s going to hate all the preppy little rich kids and immediately find the few cool ones who only encourage his rebellion. I can’t remember for sure, but I believe there was something around a total of ten new rules the administration added to their official rule book during the year he was there.
For instance, all collared shirts must have the collar sewn on, not safety pinned or stapled. In school suspension must not be payed for in pennies. All verses for bible class must be memorized in English, not Spanish. Boys are not allowed to wear girls clothing to school. See through pants are not permitted. Any student sent home early must be picked up, and never leave on foot. (that one was a riot, omfg) And the list goes on. He was the first and only student to be permanently banned from his study hall. He was actually forbidden from reading notes in his bible class. You see, if someone is caught passing notes, they were forced to stand in front of the class and read the note aloud. Well Nate being the smart ass he is decided to just start writing notes that he thought would be funny to read aloud, and continue passing them around until he, or someone else, got caught. It would go something like this:
Teacher: Nathan, I see you! Stop it right now. Read that note to the class!
Nate: *ahem, ahem* Mr. Douchbag needs to stop being such a fat bald ass hole and unclench his ass enough to pull the giant stick out that he’s had lodged up there since some time around 1969.
Teacher: Nathan, you go to detention right this instant, how dare you speak like that!
Nathan: What, I didn’t want to, you made me stand up and read it! I was just following directions.
And of course he would not get in any trouble. He just stayed in constant half trouble with the administration. He actually had to go work with the janitor and the luch lady every single day. Of course this just gave him more opportunities to fuck around. You see, the lunch lady loved him to death, it was one of his friends moms, so that gig basically just landed him with an unlimited supply of rotting food, which he put to good use. I distinctly remember a ten foot tall replica of the digestive system that involved standing on a ladder and pouring buckets of rotten food down a slide like display, finalizing in the excretion of waste out the plus sized chocolate starfish, to the dismay of the teacher and the repulsion of the entire class, who had been marched outside to see Nate’s project because, “it couldn’t fit through the doors.”
Then there was the janitor, a deaf man who absolutely hated the administration, and all the little rich kids. He would let Nate smoke when he helped him. And of course, it didn’t take Nate long to figure out that it’s really easy to take the governors off the janitors golf carts so they go really damn fast. Of course they burn out really fast as well, but he didn’t really care. Once, he was supposed to take all the trash from a huge line of those green dumpsters with the wheels at the back. Well in stead of loading them up and taking them one at a time, he just bungee tied them together into one long trash train. And of course, he was hauling ass through the parking lot and didn’t slow down for the speed bump. Half of them went flying off the train, but they were strapped shut, so screw it. He got back and all the trash carts were completely scraped up down the sides. And they couldn’t prove that he had technically done anything but what they had told him to do, so he got away with it.
Well now he works as a shipping clerk for a very respectable wireless communications company. And his latest tricks had me bent over laughing today. You see, it’s that time of the year where the employees vote for the employee of the year. And every year that they’ve had it, they upper echelon of big wigs has always won. The prize is 500$ and a plaque that permanently gets displayed in the front lobby. Well, upon receiving an official copy of the rules and qualifications, Nate found out that according to the terms, he was actually qualified to be a runner, and his name was not on the list. So he sent an email to the woman in charge, a woman who he just happens to have a running feud with. He pointed out the error, and due to the highly conservative politically correct atmosphere of the office, he talked her into negating any votes that had already been cast, and sending out a new memo with his name included.
You have to understand that he packs boxes in a warehouse, and he’s going up against the vice presidents of the company. So directly after she informed him that a new vote would be started, he sends out a memo to every person in the district that went something like this:
“Hello fellow employees of TechPhoneCom Wireless, I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Nathan Q. Public and as you have no doubt noticed, my name was recently added to the registry for employee of the year. I would much appreciate your vote, mostly because I really need five hundred dollars. Now if you are anything like my boss, you have already decided not to vote, and may have even deleted this email, because you think the election is rigged, and only the big cheese higher ups can win. If this is the case, or maybe you are just feeling lazy and don’t want to take the time to vote, I have included in this email an easy cut and paste vote for myself. If that is too much for you, you may even simply forward this email to Nancy with the title “my vote”.”
She was pissed off. She in no way agreed to do that at all, but since it is her responsibility to tally the votes, she pretty much has to. Then Nate printed up posters that had this picture with the hand drawn message:
Maybe not that original, but hilarious none the less, especially since he posted them all over the corporate office. He also took a bunch of company pins and scraped off the logo, then wrote his own message, “Vote for Nate in 07!” and “Employee of the year: Nate!” or “if you love America you will vote for Nate!” and handed them out to the office folks. In addition to this, he hired his bosses boss as hes new campaign manager, in exchange for half of the prize money. Everyone pretty much refuses to vote because like I said, they think it’s all fixed. So with this mid level manager running around telling everyone that Nate would be a great choice for employee of the year, people actually think there may be a chance for the little man. And since they all hate the bosses, he may actually win. How insane would that be? The guy who builds box forts in his spare time might be employee of the year. This is why my family kicks ass. Sometimes we outdo ourselves.