We don’t need no water.

Alright, so I wanted to tell some stories about my work, since I told Nate’s story, but first I have to share with you the most kick ass two and a half minutes of animation ever. Well, not the most kick ass, there was this one web based show about this death metal band, but I can’t find it again. I’ll try and get y’all a link next post. Anyway, I was watching Sponge Bob square pants while I was surfing the net the other day and that little plankton guy had everyone in mind control helmets and they were going to kick Sponge Bob’s ass when he busted out with this incredibly gnarly shit.

Was that not cool? I mean Sponge Bob turned into a wizard and played a remix of Twisted Sister while flying and shooting lasers out of his fucking guitar. Twisted Sister on children television! A flying, psychedelic, laser shooting, solo thrashing rock wizard! God that was cool. What a goofy goober. Anyway, everyone may now turn their attention back to me and how much I rock.

I’m just going to focus on one of my coworkers for this blog. They are all pretty kick ass, and they all have cool stories, but Kenny and I get along the best and start the most shit. I should note that this is not the same Kenny that I am long time friends with, that’s Kato, aka Kenny P. The fella I’m talking about is Kenny B. and he’s a total redneck. I mean a full fledged, honky tonk, fishin, rebel flag havin, deep south, country ass red neck . The guy is racist as hell, but he’s married to a Puerto Rican. Fucked up right. You have no idea.

He used to work in the rodeo. No joke, the PBR rodeo circuit. He would help set up all the rodeo shit, and handle the bulls and all that good stuff. He originally was training to be a bull rider, but one of his friends was severely injured by a bull, and he decided maybe that wasn’t the career for him. So he stayed until he had banged his fill of buckle bunnies and came back to North Carolina and became a police officer.

Now I don’t mean the good natured, protect and serve, Andy Griffith kind of police officer. I mean a small town, lazy as hell, mostly in it to mess with people and carry a gun sort of pig. He didn’t really do any police work, he just enjoyed car chases and screwing around late at night in a car he didn’t have to pay for. Apparently with two metal lunch plates, an e-brake, and an empty parking lot, you can easily add the nifty effect of sparking metal to your car as you peel out and do donuts. They had this stretch of highway that ran through his town, and a road running perpendicular to it. If you floored it down the entire straight segment of the side road, you could hit the bump in the highway fast enough to catch air in their police cruisers. So he and his buddy cops would post one guy half a mile down the highway on one side, and another half a mile the other way, and they would all switch over to a non regulation frequency and keep a lookout for cars coming in either direction. Then the cop on the side road would floor it and jump the highway and they would all laugh and go get some donuts and find Mexicans to mess with.

Now Mexicans are the funniest because a lot of them know some English, but pretend not to when it’s to their advantage. For instance they would pull a truck full of them for speeding or no inspection or whatever, line them up on the side of the highway, and begin questioning them. This one time, Kenny and his buddy found some dope in the vehicle. So he asked them who the weed belonged to. “Ahhh, no speaky English” they would all say. So he turned to his friend, unstrapped his gun, and in English said, “I don’t really care which of these bastards had the dope, I’m gonna shoot the one with the white shoes.” Then he turned real fast and yelled, and every single one looked down to see what color their shoes were.

He ended up having some real problems with this one hag on the city counsel. Apparently she didn’t want him speeding through the down town district. And the day after she called him out on it, he chased a speeder through the 35 mph zone doing sixty or so. I mean, you have to drive faster than the person you are chasing to catch them, you know? Well things escalated between him and the administration until finally he quit. (or got fired and just tells everyone he quit, I can really see it going both ways)

He has also worked for most of his life since age eighteen doing night and weekend work for honky tonk bars and strip clubs. He’s not a huge guy, I mean he’s several inches taller than me, and probably fifty pounds heavier, but he’s not gigantic. He is however volatile and violent, and he doesn’t give a flying fuck about offending anyone and everyone, so I guess he’s a natural at dragging folks out of bars and whooping their ass. I remember I almost started a fight with him when I was just a green newbie at our current job. I had been there for just a few days, and we watching Jerry Springer, and some dumb ass red neck was pissed because his stripper girlfriend, Candy, was sleeping around. I spouted off with, “well that’s what you get for dating a stripper named Candy you idiot!” Turns out his ex wife is a stripper named Candy. What are the odds right? Talk about awkward. I really should have learned not to say that sort of judgmental crap by now, but if I had I wouldn’t be me.

So anyway, whenever me and Kenny get together and have free time at work, something crazy is about to go down. In fact we aren’t supposed to work together at all, our boss has forbidden it, but neither one of us really cares, so we do it almost every day. Two days ago we had one of those slow days. One of our two salesmen has been out for a month due to surgery, and the other one is newer than I am, so we are completely caught up and stocked with ready to sell/rent trailers on the ready line. In fact, my boss has never had this many ready to go at one time before.

Well we had finished everything we could do without supplies or a fresh trailer, and I’m the sort of guy who can’t just stand around with his thumb up his ass. I have to keep moving, doing something productive. So we’re standing around, and I walk over and grab a mapp gas torch and a spare VCT tile. I’ve had this idea to try and half way melt one and shape in into a human face, and let it cool off, and it would sit around the break room looking really cool/creepy and displaying my incredible prowess with the torch. Kenny of course asks me what the heck I am doing, and I tell him and he looks at me like I’m a retard. Then he gets that grin over his face that lets me know we’re about to have some serious fun.

Usually this involves destroying something with power tools, however today his mind was running more along the lines of fire. So we hike around to the back of the lot where our piles of scrap metal are stored until we can take them around the block to TT&E recycling and turn them in for a big ass bonus to split with the crew. We’ve accumulate some serious piles of copper wire over the six months or so that it takes to build up enough scrap to warrant a trip to the scrap yard. Now since most of you probably aren’t familiar with scrapping metal for side cash, let me illuminate you. Dig this.

Copper is wicked expensive. Like incredibly expensive. Even copper wires with the plastic still on them will get you a buck and some change per pound. We may have a hundred and fifty pounds or more of wire by the time we turn it in. But if you can get clean copper, as in no plastic sheath, you’ll be making an extra dollar or more per pound. Almost double the cash. Sweet right? But stripping wire takes forever and isn’t cost effective. How might plastic be removed from metal in a quick, efficient and incredibly fun way? By burning that shit, that’s how!

So we don’t have a metal barrel anywhere, which is a set back for our little project, but no serious obstacle. We toyed around with building something from the spare siding, or possibly parts from an old filing cabinet, but all of that would involve effort, and we wanted to get right to the cool part with the fire and the burning and possibly an assortment of accelerants. So we start wandering around grabbing metal objects that could withstand high temperatures. We drag it all back to the middle of the yard, because it’s gravel and dirt there. Safety first you know, we don’t want to start a brush fire or anything. After a few moments fooling around we come up with the combinations of three old wheel rims and a security grate we pulled off of a window. Then we hacked apart a palate to get some wood to burn. Now we’ve got a fire proof container with a grate to keep in flying debris, fuel, and plenty of wire to burn.

Before any of you start chastising me, or clucking your tongues in reproach for our dangerous activities, I would like to point out that not only were we about ten feet from a huge freight box with ten or so spare fire extinguishers, but I even walked all the way across the yard and dragged the hose next to out new fire pit. We had safety written all over us. You may have had to squint to see it, but it was there.

As you can imaging, we made a pile of wood, and commenced to trying to light the bugger. The only problem was that we were experiencing some rather strong winds as a result of an incoming cold front. So we couldn’t really get the fire going well. So I grabbed some spray paint and soaked the wood. We have a very small, well contained fire starting up at this point and across the yard fate foils our plans once again.

My boss Drew was moving something with Al, our yankee coworker, and Al smelled something. “Do you smell wood burning? What is that?” Of course the first thing Drew says is, “Dammit! Where the hell are Josh and Kenny?” (side note, we knew the fire extinguishers work because we had thoroughly tested one or two of them the previous day back on the end of our lot. Trust me, not only do they spray very well, but it is a noxious, throat burning spray that coincidentally looks a lot like thick smoke when it starts rolling over the roof and becomes visible from the rest of the yard)

So drew comes running around the trailer and jumps right on us. “What the fuck are you two doing GD it!”

us: “We’re putting money in your pocket man. You’re welcome by the way.”

Drew: “Really? Because it looks an awful lot like you are starting a fire in the middle of my yard.”

us: “I would hardly call this the middle. And we’ve got a hose and shit, what do you want? Don’t you like money?”

Drew: “How the hell does burning down our place of employment make me any money?”

us: “Uh, we were trying to start a decent fire before you interrupted us. We’re gonna convert all of our copper wire to clean copper, that’s a lot of extra money for you and everyone else here. We’re trying to help. Do you just want us standing around?”

Drew: “So by ‘convert’ you mean burn, and by ‘help’ you also mean burn.”

us: “Pretty much. It’s contained see?”

Drew: “Yes I fucking see you bastards. You are ripping shit off of our trailers to start fires!”

us: “Well just the one grate, and it was rusty anyway. What, you don’t think burning is a good way to clean the copper? We’re almost positive this will probably work. And we’ve got the hose see? Safe! We can get safety glasses if you want.”

Drew: “Why the fuck would I want you to get safety glasses? How’s that going to put out these trailers when you ignite them. Put that shit out right the fuck now and I’ll think, THINK about how to safely do this, maybe like on a day when there aren’t GALE FORCE WINDS! And what the fuck are you two doing working together in the first place. Damn, I leave you for five minutes and you’ve got a GD blaze started up and shit all ripped apart. Give me the torch Kenny. From now on you guys have to ask me before you are allowed to use fire.”

Kenny: “What about lighters?”

Drew: “Only for cigarettes, no fires!”

Me: “Kenny, I have one of those torches at home.”

Drew: “That’s right, and that’s exactly where it’s going to stay. Don’t let me catch you starting any more fires!”

us: “What about when it’s not windy?”

Drew: “Maybe. You need to soak them in kerosene and then the plastic melts right off.”

us: “So tomorrow maybe?”

Drew: “We’ll see.”

Us: “So it was a pretty good idea right? Besides the wind and all?”

Drew: “No the fuck it wasn’t. Everything about that was stupid. Get back to work, both of you. And on different sides of the yard.”

us: “There’s nothing left to do without supplies.”

Drew: “Well I don’t fucking care, go turn over some gravels or something!” (yes, gravels, like the completely made up plural form of gravel. Drew makes up words when he’s pissed)

We’re still trying to sneak another fire past him, but that old bastard is vigilant as hell.

This weekend Kenny’s going to take me out to the club he and Drew work at as bouncers. Expect an AWESOME story from this weekend. Trust me, especially if we can convince Drew’s old lady to drag him out with us, there will be a lot of debauchery and mayhem. From all the stories they’ve told me, this place is sort of like that bar from Road House. Stabbings and constant fights and lots of pretty red neck girls. It could be trouble of the finest kind. Don’t worry I won’t cheat on my woman. This is, after all, the same club at which Drew found that one legged girl he banged. Another long story, for another post. Let’s just say he likes big women with limps.


11 responses to “We don’t need no water.

  1. i never watched spongebob b4 i thought he was annoying but i liked that lil clip thing that was cool..

    You shoulda had the fire it sounded like fun!!! next time you’ll hafta be quicker.

    cant wait for your weekend posts πŸ™‚

  2. Oh Josh! That was as funny as I thought it was going to be. I’m sitting here at work almost falling out of my chair laughing! That was an awesome story! Loved it!! Thanks for telling it, you are awesome!

  3. you know what the best is? I actually saw that spongebob clip when it originally aired (shut up, I used to have younger cousins who used to come over.lol..for real!)..my favourite was when his best friend (Patrick I think?) was wearing the fish-net stockings and leather boots and doing the splits…hahaha…

    And on to your story…that burning copper for money idea is SO clever!! I bet your boss secretly LOVES the idea, but maybe he’s not quite able to put the words “fire and good job” in the same sentence….and dude, NO WAY your boss banged a one-legged chick!!!! seriously? I gotta hear that story…and I really wanna hear this “nite club” story when after it happens, you don’t have to cheat on your woman, but you have to play lots of “hit on” games (i.e. kenny picks some loser chick for you, (like below your league), and you talk to her as a joke, make her feel “wanted”, and do a bet of how many minutes it’ll take for you to get her number, over/under…I know it sounds mean, but it’s SO fun when you’ve been drinkin’ πŸ˜‰ ….

    PS: another great story πŸ™‚
    PPS: I have a major buzz on as I write this comment, lol..hope it makes sense!! πŸ™‚

  4. The Queen: Sponge Bob is not annoying, he is the shit. I have seen many a good clip watching that show. Sure, he’s a square, but square people can be cool too, as long as they are fun and don’t rat me out or kill my buzz.

    Allie: You are a darling aren’t you! Go ahead, stroke my ego some more, I swear my head isn’t big enough yet. Let me know if you ever join the blogosphere. (yeah, I’m dorky enough to use that word) I would love to hear more about the people who comment here.

    Romi: Yeah his best bud is named Patrick. And clearly the best part was the shooting of lasers, from a guitar, during a solo, by a flying rock wizard. I already stated that. Geez. But cross dressing sea creatures are pretty cool too. I also liked that part where he does the worm in front of the ice cream. I’m pretty sure that was a visual reference to the video for “Sweet Cherry Pie”.

    We’ll have our fire, fuck him. We’re doing it. (i’ll tell y’all about the fire prank we pulled on him today too) He’s gone for a week before Christmas, and if I’m not locked up by then, I’m burning the shit out of that wire. Come hell or high water. And you must be a mean drunk. I would never string on a lady like that, that’s just horrible. I mean, I might call bitches bitches, and I might talk shit about gettin tang and how poorly women drive. But I would never pretend to be into a girl just to fuck with her.

    And stick around, you’ll get a story from the weekend, and eventually, when I can fit it in, the story of when my boss banged that one legged chick. (and I almost always have a buzz on when I read your blog. Make that a full flegged drunk-on, like now! Happy thirsty Thursday everybody! Woo!) I’m off to go see if our shot glasses still hold the same amount of whiskey.

  5. You see, Josh my plan is to keep stroking your ego until your head is big enough to see from space. That sentence sounds a little dirty, doesn’t it? Sadly I do not have a blog however if there is anything you want to know about me, you can just ask and I might tell you. I think this is the second time you’ve called me darling, keep it up and I’ll get an internet crush on you and want to have internet babies with you.

  6. Allie: I’ve got so much love I can have a million internet crushes at once. I propose a lot, and have e-babies on the regular. In fact, and this is no lie, I actually told one of my online friends yesterday that I would send her my e-sperm for her birthday so she could have the honor of birthing my evil e-spawn. We named it Beelzebaby Lucifer Satanicus, cause we both like metal. But e-sperm, like my love reservoirs, is mighty replenishable. I’ve got lots more where that comes from. Plus, I can support lots of e-babies on my income. I think calling people darling is a southern thing. Like sweetie pie, or shug.

    So …. hmmm … where are you from?

  7. Oh man! And here I thought I was special! hehe Beelzebaby Lucifer Satanicus is an awesome name! I’m so naming my kid that… if I ever have one, which will be… never. I’m from Kalamazoo, Michigan, where right now it is a frigid 20 degrees out and there is snow on the ground. Oh joy!

  8. Allie: sure you’re special. Only special people ever read my blog. Clearly! Michigan huh? Cool. Literally. You’re going to laugh, but every highway in our county was backed up with lots of wrecks for hours this morning because it just now got cold enough to freeze the bridges and overpasses. No shit, one night of wintry weather and we had fourty or fifty crashes, some of them deadly. Shit, hwy 40 was closed completely for a few hours. And despite the fact that it is just now reaching freezing at night, it warming back up ove rthe weekend, and monday and tuesday are calling for highs around 75. I just want one good snow. Just one dammit! Enough to go sledding.

    BTW, North Carolina sledding doesn’t actually involve a sled since the snow won’t be deep enough, and no one around here owns one. but lots of garbage can lids and exercise mats and boogie boards get busted out and likely broken! I went sledding on an old coffee table once.

  9. Yes, yes I did laugh. Alot. And I might have thought, what a bunch of pussies. But then again sometimes we get… Oh. My. God. It. Snowed. Which means a foot or two of snow. I would send you a sled so you could be the only person in NC with one but I dunno if it would cost me an arm and a leg to ship.

    I haven’t been sledding since my nephews were ummm… 5 and 8. They are now 11 and 14. … Shit I’m old. 47! (No, really I’m 26.) I used to go all the time as a kid but I can see wanting to go sledding when you only get one good snow a winter. Instead of a million trillion times.

  10. Allie: No, the best part is that the majority of people who live in Wake county have moved here from the north east over the last twenty years. So you would think that most of these people know how to drive in snow right? Hell fuckin no. And we don’t have hardly any of those scraper/plow trucks, and no ice ever gets put out. So when it does ice up, especially if it is unexpected, it doesn’t get fixed until it melts.

    and another funny thing about NC weather. Yesterday: wintry weather with accidents clogging all the highways. Today: the weather forcast calls for a high of 64 degrees. Currently 70 degrees. Probably record highs over the weekend. Make up your damned mind nature.

  11. Fuck… 70?? I might have to move to NC. And I’ll be sure to bring a sled so I’m the only person in NC with one. Take that bitches! AND I’ll be probably one of the only people who actually know how to drive in snow. My email address is required to leave a comment, I dunno if you can see it or not but if you ever wanna email me, feel free. So we don’t keep going back and forth on this one blog.

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