Pink or Red?


Hey, so I’m not in jail which is pretty sweet. And that can only mean one thing. Time for some updates and a few cool stories.

Nate’s campaign for employee of the year has hit a road bump. He won, but the executives were pissed so they are voting all over again. And this time they took the responsibility away from the lady who was doing it, and have one of the vice presidents doing the counting. And the fellow who’s supposed to win this year just happens to be his right hand man. And they changed Nate’s last name on the ballot to a similar but completely different one. So Nate typed up this long ass email with copies of a bunch of previous emails he had saved throughout the campaign, and he informed everyone that he was in the running, again, but with a different last name. He even titled the email “WTF is up with this”. Now there’s an anonymous voting system, which kind of screams bull shit, but whatever. I wanted Nate to post up the link on myspace as a bulletin, and post it here, but he thinks he’ll get in trouble if he gets more votes than there are employees in the company, and he really wants that $500. So that sucks, but if he won once, and they play fair, he could win again. We’ll see.

The branch manager at my job got fired. He was lazy and never did any actual work, so we figured he would get fired for that. I mean, we were all expecting him to lose his job when the big dogs from corporate came down to visit. It turns out he lost his job not because he was a piss poor manager, but because the computer people caught him looking at porn … a lot. But wait, there’s more! He was also trying to pick up women on dating sites and talking to them through the company e-mail, and on his company phone. But wait, there’s more! He used to come back to our shop all the time to use our bathroom. We always figured he just didn’t want to shit in the office so he wouldn’t stink up the lobby where the girls work. But it turns out he was coming back there to jack off when he had gotten all hot from talking to chicks and looking at porn. But wait, there’s more! He was even soliciting prostitutes on Craigslist.

I mean, what a fucking idiot. I’m just a peon trade worker with jack shit for higher education, and even I know that the internet in that office is routed through a corporate server which you have to log onto in order to access the web, and that means that everything you do online is recorded and monitored by the watch men at headquarters. I mean Jesus Christ, not even a month ago corporate sent out a memo to all office employees clearly defining what the internet could and could not be used for, along with all the details from their rule book. How stupid do you have to be?

That means we now get to play the exciting game ofnew-manager-russian-roulette. God only knows what sort of jack ass mother fucker we might get stuck with. They are shipping in the first hopeful next week to meet everyone and see if he jives well with all of us. You have to understand that our company is a bunch of wild mofo’s. I mean I can’t even walk in the office without getting roped into some warped and disturbing conversation. Today for instance I had a conversation about how when I go to jail would I rather bang men, or get banged by men. They nicknamed our shop the “jack shack”. And we talked in length about having sex with dead babies before we throw them in the attic. No shit, I can’t make this sort of thing up. They’re some perverted twisted sickos. And not just the men either, both of the “ladies” are some foul bitches. They’re fun though. I like them. And I actually seem like a good person standing next to them.

We got the house painted. I think the walls are pink. Sami insists they are a shade of red. Take a look for yourself.

the choice is clear

If you think that wall is red, like the rose, then you are wrong. If you think that wall is pink like the flamingo, you are also wrong. The wall is closest in color to the salmon in the center. I have outlined the fish so you can see exactly where it is, since it is an identical color to the wall.

can you see it now?

I had an interesting experience the other night. I was out back smoking on the deck when I heard a thrashing about in the woods, like some blood thirsty beast was rummaging for human scent. I got a flashlight to see what it was, and lo and behold, there was a killer night cow in our back yard. Now, intellectually I know there is farmland on the other side of the woods, but I really wasn’t expecting to see cattle so close to the house. I didn’t have a camera available at the time, so I have taken a photo of the spot and superimposed another photo of the cow over top of it.

it was actually much larger

I was able to fight it off with my bare hands, but several villiages were leveled in the skirmish and many many civilians lost their lives. As you can see, I not only had to be wary of the traditional devil horns that all dairy cows have, but also lasers, fire breath, venemous rabies foam, and evil AIDS rays. I wish I had a photo of the actual cow itself. It was much much larger and moved with the quickness of the devil. Just imagine the cow I provided, but seventy feet tall, and next to that tree in the background, not in front of the fence. The fence is probably the only thing that stopped it from trampling our house into rubble.

I’m not a big fan of large animals. If fact, anything larger than a medium sized dog is probably untrustworthy and should be butchered for the safety of mankind. Especially giraffes, don’t even get me started on how much I distrust giraffes and their psychic mind powers.

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10 responses to “Pink or Red?

  1. My vote is pink, that is totally pink, not red. That’s not even close to red. But then again, that’s just my opinion.

    Your story of office porn reminded me of Jamie, this girl I work with. Jamie is very quiet and rarely talks to anyone and she’s worked in the office for 3 years, she doesn’t even say hi to anyone. Which I think is rude as hell but whatever, to each their own I guess. So anyways we always say she’s being so quiet because she’s down in the corner looking at porn all day instead of working. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she was soliciting prostitutes on Craigslist either.

  2. Yeah, I just heard a story today about police officers doing undercover stings on hookers who have been moving to Raleigh to take advantage of the travellers coming through RDU airport and hwy I-40. They were networking with each other from as far away as vegas and NY, and arranging to meet men in hotels near the airport. I had no idea finding hookers was so easy.

  3. whats craigslist?

    definitly salmon lol…
    salmon is just a cheats way of saying pink/red

    im glad your not in jail 🙂

    p/s would you rather be fucked or fuck the guys? u never did answer that

  4. The Queen: Craigslist.com is an American website (possibly in Canada too, I don’t know) where people can post listings for things they want to sell or buy locally. You go pick out your area and cruise around looking at the advertisements. Sometimes you get wickedly cheap stuff. Like my brother got a sixteen foot boat with a trailer for $200. ($245 NZ dollars) That is insanely cheap. I mean, it has to be fixed up, but even so, just the trailer should have been more than that, so it was a great deal.

    And I would totally be the fucker. There’s no way in hell I’m going to be the fuckee. I mean, I suppose it is possible, but that mofo had better be extremely horny to merit all the trouble it’s gonna take him to pop my ass cherry. I’d rather die, and I fight fierce when my adrenaline gets pumping. I’m sure I’ll be fine. It’s not quite like it used to be. The prison system is slowly changing.

  5. You know what the craziest thing is? You have a rose there, which exemplifies “Red”, but there’s actually a darker more subdued colour of pink called “Dusty Rose”, and I think that’s what the wall is…figure that one out 😉

    PS: your pervy boss is unbelievable…how is it possible to be that stupid and not run into lamp posts on a daily basis? Or did he have a permanent dent in his forehead?

    PPS: oh my god, “AIDS rays and rabies venom foam”..I almost died of laughter 😉

  6. lol ohh craigslist sounds a lot like trademe …..

  7. i am 110% sure that MY opinion in particular does not count but….it looks pink to me. i’m not even going with salmon because salmon is the color that the bathroom was at the apartment where Nate worked. Are you going to paint your room? if so, you should paint it a dark and manly blue.

  8. Yeah, Sami say’s the picture turned out pinker than the true paint color, but I still think it’s pink. And no, I won’t be painting my room cause it’s not really mine. I’m only here temporarily until I either go to prison or get past all these bills and move out.

  9. Ha! Okay, I don’t know if you’ve seen this commercial, because I’m up in Canada and I rarely watch TV anyways. But it’s for some bank or another, and they talk about how with them you have unlimited debit transactions. To demonstrate the perils of NOT having unlimited debit transactions, we are shown a father shopping with his plethora of daughters and one son. Obviously, they are in a little girl’s clothing store. The dad takes aside the son and tries to explain that he doesn’t want to stop at a second store, because he’s all out of free debit usage (because dad is enough of a jerk to not want to spend an extra buck on his kid), so it’d be awesome if his son could pick out something at this store. The dad holds up a shirt. “How about this one?” The son looks at it and states the obvious, as is obvious in YOUR case, Josh. “Um, dad? That’s pink.” The dad retorts with “What? No, no, no. That’s uh….that’s Salmon! That’s a tough, tough fish! Grrrrrrrr!!!!! SALMON!!!!”

    It doesn’t work, and neither do your salmonella pink walls. Gross.

    However, I died laughing at your cow pic.

    Oh, and finding hookers is easy. My brother came to visit me in Toronto from the suburbs. He was 16, so I gave him my bus pass while I was at work and said “Go to town. Literally. Get out of here. You’ll have to learn your way around the city eventually, it might as well be today.” He took the subway down to Queen and Yonge, fairly major if not totally hip intersection. But instead of turning West towards the hipness, he turned East. And that’s how my 16 year old brother found the hookers. Thankfully, he was more interested in the hipness that is Queen West.

    Congratulations, I think you got my longest comment ever.

  10. Been a lurker, but really have been enjoying your blogging.
    Thanks for the smiles. Was looking on this site for your e-mail addy but couldnt find it to tell you as I am not one to leave public comments but I wanted to tell you that I have enjoyed the read.

    Tara

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