Hey, so I’m not in jail which is pretty sweet. And that can only mean one thing. Time for some updates and a few cool stories.
Nate’s campaign for employee of the year has hit a road bump. He won, but the executives were pissed so they are voting all over again. And this time they took the responsibility away from the lady who was doing it, and have one of the vice presidents doing the counting. And the fellow who’s supposed to win this year just happens to be his right hand man. And they changed Nate’s last name on the ballot to a similar but completely different one. So Nate typed up this long ass email with copies of a bunch of previous emails he had saved throughout the campaign, and he informed everyone that he was in the running, again, but with a different last name. He even titled the email “WTF is up with this”. Now there’s an anonymous voting system, which kind of screams bull shit, but whatever. I wanted Nate to post up the link on myspace as a bulletin, and post it here, but he thinks he’ll get in trouble if he gets more votes than there are employees in the company, and he really wants that $500. So that sucks, but if he won once, and they play fair, he could win again. We’ll see.
The branch manager at my job got fired. He was lazy and never did any actual work, so we figured he would get fired for that. I mean, we were all expecting him to lose his job when the big dogs from corporate came down to visit. It turns out he lost his job not because he was a piss poor manager, but because the computer people caught him looking at porn … a lot. But wait, there’s more! He was also trying to pick up women on dating sites and talking to them through the company e-mail, and on his company phone. But wait, there’s more! He used to come back to our shop all the time to use our bathroom. We always figured he just didn’t want to shit in the office so he wouldn’t stink up the lobby where the girls work. But it turns out he was coming back there to jack off when he had gotten all hot from talking to chicks and looking at porn. But wait, there’s more! He was even soliciting prostitutes on Craigslist.
I mean, what a fucking idiot. I’m just a peon trade worker with jack shit for higher education, and even I know that the internet in that office is routed through a corporate server which you have to log onto in order to access the web, and that means that everything you do online is recorded and monitored by the watch men at headquarters. I mean Jesus Christ, not even a month ago corporate sent out a memo to all office employees clearly defining what the internet could and could not be used for, along with all the details from their rule book. How stupid do you have to be?
That means we now get to play the exciting game ofnew-manager-russian-roulette. God only knows what sort of jack ass mother fucker we might get stuck with. They are shipping in the first hopeful next week to meet everyone and see if he jives well with all of us. You have to understand that our company is a bunch of wild mofo’s. I mean I can’t even walk in the office without getting roped into some warped and disturbing conversation. Today for instance I had a conversation about how when I go to jail would I rather bang men, or get banged by men. They nicknamed our shop the “jack shack”. And we talked in length about having sex with dead babies before we throw them in the attic. No shit, I can’t make this sort of thing up. They’re some perverted twisted sickos. And not just the men either, both of the “ladies” are some foul bitches. They’re fun though. I like them. And I actually seem like a good person standing next to them.
We got the house painted. I think the walls are pink. Sami insists they are a shade of red. Take a look for yourself.
If you think that wall is red, like the rose, then you are wrong. If you think that wall is pink like the flamingo, you are also wrong. The wall is closest in color to the salmon in the center. I have outlined the fish so you can see exactly where it is, since it is an identical color to the wall.
I had an interesting experience the other night. I was out back smoking on the deck when I heard a thrashing about in the woods, like some blood thirsty beast was rummaging for human scent. I got a flashlight to see what it was, and lo and behold, there was a killer night cow in our back yard. Now, intellectually I know there is farmland on the other side of the woods, but I really wasn’t expecting to see cattle so close to the house. I didn’t have a camera available at the time, so I have taken a photo of the spot and superimposed another photo of the cow over top of it.
I was able to fight it off with my bare hands, but several villiages were leveled in the skirmish and many many civilians lost their lives. As you can see, I not only had to be wary of the traditional devil horns that all dairy cows have, but also lasers, fire breath, venemous rabies foam, and evil AIDS rays. I wish I had a photo of the actual cow itself. It was much much larger and moved with the quickness of the devil. Just imagine the cow I provided, but seventy feet tall, and next to that tree in the background, not in front of the fence. The fence is probably the only thing that stopped it from trampling our house into rubble.
I’m not a big fan of large animals. If fact, anything larger than a medium sized dog is probably untrustworthy and should be butchered for the safety of mankind. Especially giraffes, don’t even get me started on how much I distrust giraffes and their psychic mind powers.