Destined to live alone.

So I find myself in what I suspect will be looked back upon as the terminal stages of a doomed relationship. I’m constantly surrounded by all the drama, and conflict, and that deepening feeling of loneliness that comes with the dying breaths of two people trying not to break up while they slowly admit to themselves that they need to. Every day becomes more stressful, and every new moment is filled with the sort of saddening music you might find in Donnie Darko. It’s a very very mad world.

And with no one to talk to concerning the problems in my personal life, I would maybe turn to my pseudo-girl to at least try and vent some of the stress of my legal problems. But alas, there is no relief on any side, so I come to my precious internet. This one place where even my close friends don’t hear what I say. The one place where I can vent without any worry about the repercussions. I stand alone, but I have my last frontier of personal expression, my writing. The only place where I can express my frustrations and not give a fuck who hears it.

Like for instance a little lady you might remember by the name of theblacksentinel. When I did my angry race rant she showed up to rag on the whole parade. Now, having been active on the internet for many years, I know how it is when you speak out on anything controversial. It won’t be long before you have some activist asshole tugging on your balls for attention and web space. I mean, I have occasionally gotten drunk during a really bad time in my life and even pissed off my internet friends, like Sundry. (if I can call her a friend, I hope so, I really respect her) But this hag was different, or should I say, much more common.

She did however do one thing that made me laugh my ass off. She posted an anti-me blog. And here’s the best part. It was titled, “Sprinting to Hell: with Gasoline Underwear”. How bad ass is that? I mean, no shit that is fucking awesome. I’ve had a lot, A LOT of internet trolls try and start shit with me, but this was by far the coolest. That should have been the title of my blog. I wish I had though of that. But it lets me know I’m doing something right. I wouldn’t feel like I were actually sprinting to hell if I didn’t piss off some folks along the way. I have a reputation to keep up. However the second best thing about this anti-me blog was the picture. I love it. Check this shit out.

not me, really!

Remember how I said you can’t fly a rebel flag without being labeled a KKK member? Well check out this real life photo of the people I work with. No, I’m kidding. I mean, I do know a few KKK members, but this is one of those ridiculous portraits of the south that has no basis in reality. There are definitely some racist white assholes here, and yes I have to deal with them, they have some good drugs. But almost no one who fly’s a rebel flag is racist. The rebel falg is all about loving dixie land, and not at all about hating black folks. I mean, without black folks we wouldn’t have the blues. And without the blues we wouldn’t have Rock and Roll. Or Aunt Jemima. Take your pick, they both rock.

So passing her by as a nuisance on the road of life, It comes right back to me and my relationship which may or may not be taking it’s dying breaths. I just got back from a birthday party for a friend of mine who turned 30. And I can’t help but ponder where I might be at thirty.

I saw a lot of the people I used to see with my last serious woman, and it made me kind of sad. I remembered the times we had, and the things we used to do, and you know, despite our breakup, I really did love that woman. She meant a lot to me before she left me. But time has passed, and that relationship is long gone. But I still wonder, how come I haven’t settled down like my friends? Why must I be the one with a personality too strong to match up? Is that part of me being me, or is it just me being an ass hole?

If I’m just one of those people who have a very strong personality, and that means I have to wait a lifetime to find someone who matches up well with me, then that is ok. I’m a very patient, self sufficient man. I don’t need anyone else to be there right now. But if many of my friends are correct, and their prediction of me being a man alone his entire life comes true, will I be alright with that? Will I be ok with missing all the things in life that people hold most dear?

What if I never have a wife. What if I never have a woman who tells me she loves me? What if I never have children, or experience being a father? What if never have anyone in my life, besides my immediate family, who ever loves me? What if I spend my life having sex, and never once make love? That would be harsh. I think I really don’t want to miss a woman, a wife, and fatherhood. I’m ok with spending time alone, in fact I need time alone, but I don’t want to be alone my whole life.

I know people who have never grown to the point that they could love someone. And I also know people who have always wanted someone to love, but never found them. And I also know peope who have married foolishly, and had the relationship blow up in their face. And I know people who have found their true loves, made homes, had children, and in the end, still not worked out, and split under bitter circumstances. I am hoping against hope that I can work through the problems that I am having right now, and that maybe this woman will be someone that I could fall in love with and spend my life loving. But honestly, every experience I’ve had says that’s a pipe dream and I need to worry about more immediate problems.

So how do you feel? Is there such a thing as true love. Does everyone have someone for them? Or are many of us just doomed to some half relationship with no love and no satisfaction? Is there a destiny of happiness, or should we look out for ourselves? And if we are destined to soulmates, what is your advise? And if we are destined to live alone, what is your advise?


24 responses to “Destined to live alone.

  1. Could have totally written this myself, except I’ve done the got children while the whole father figure blows up in my face, or perhaps more correct their face, since he could care less if he sees them regularly.

    True love, I don’t know, I think, no matter how in love people seem, love is work. Constantly. Constantly working towards loving that person, accepting the things that drive you most crazy about them in exchange for the things that make you happiest. Just the other day I heard something on tv, when asked why this woman and her husband were still in love and together after 29 years of marriage, they said, we never fell out of love at the same time. I pondered that a bit, I suppose its very true, especially if you’ve got a ring, or kids to “trap” you together. Emotion’s change, there is not always passion, sometimes love is a fire, and othertimes a warm comfortable existance.

    I don’t know if I buy this soulmates thing. If there are such thing as soulmates, to me it seems that a relationship with your soulmate would be “easy” but no one seems to express ease when asked about their relationship. Even the closest of couples.

    I guess, my best advice, lol from someone who’s fucked up before and not yet got it right πŸ™‚ ha, would be to remember, that even in the best of times it has to be worked for. I think, women at least, get so caught up in the romantic aspect of it all that we forget that generally there are going to be days that completely blow, and that the men in our lives are going to be terribly ignorant to our needs, they’ll do and say things that are stupid, but loving someone doesn’t always mean you like them, and it doesn’t mean its not going to hurt.

    And since none of this probably makes any sense at all, there you go. LOL

  2. I too have a really strong personality (gee Talea, really?) in both good and bad ways. I tend to only showcase the fantasticness of myself on the net, but trust me, I have bad things too. But just because you have a strong personality does not mean that you’re impossible to match up. Don’t think that. I found a guy who lets me spit gum in his face, remember? You’ll find somebody who’ll be intrigued by your salmon vs. red vs. pink arguments.
    Second, just because you don’t have a girlfriend does not mean you are alone. Friends are always there. In my case, they have replaced my immediate family.
    Don’t rush into things and be one of those idiots who gets married/moves in/ blah blah blah only to realize that the way she brushes her teeth really makes you want to scream, but you don’t adore enough other things about her to balance it out, so you just scream. I think it’s better to be alone and happy than with someone and resenting them and yourself.
    It happens and it happens randomly. By definition of course you can’t predict when it’ll come up, but trust me, I know weirder folk than you who are in happy relationships.

  3. Oh and I forgot my original rant I was going to go on……..destined to live alone. You say it like it’s bad, like it’s depressing. Who says? I mean, if you really want a wife and kids and a picket fence, then go for it dude. But if you’re dreaming of it so you can check the little box on the ‘path one should follow in their lifetime’ chart, seriously reconsider it. I have no intentions of having children or living in the burbs. I’ve been with the boyfriend for almost 8 years now and have no desire to get married.
    Live your life how you want (but please, try to stop breaking laws…) and you’ll be happier with or without a lady by your side.
    I’ll go away now.

  4. Sara: That was great. I suppose love really is just another form of work. Which makes things a little easier, cause I’m pretty good at working. πŸ˜‰

    Talea: I don’t necessarily want a suburban “normal” people life. I don’t think I’ll ever be considered run of the mill. But I am getting tired of spending so much of my life alone. I’m used to it. I’m good at it. I’ve been alone almost my entire life, with just a few fleeting exceptions. And I really wouldn’t mind a good six month stretch or so where I had someone who at least pretended to care about me. I am not the sort to jump into some really serious relationship, I just feel like I may be missing out on some of the more satisfying things that people can have in life. Who knows if I’ll ever settle down. I just have to wait and see I guess.

  5. I feel for you. I have a 31 year old son who also cannot find his one true love. He’s had three long-term relationships and they just, well, end. Or, he’s picking the wrong type of woman, which is my best guess! I hope he doesn’t end up alone because he needs someone that will nudge, push, and adore him and he needs someone to care about other than himself.

    I’ve been married for 35 years to a man that I adore and who still makes my heart leap when he walks in the door. I had a brief marriage to an abuser when I was 18, so I know how bad it can be. I walked out of that relationship and a year later was married again to this wonderful man. I don’t know how I lucked out in finding my present guy but I am thankful every day of my life.

    Yes, we’ve worked to keep the relationship strong but it wasn’t like it was tedious or frustrating because we both want the same things, even now. We respect each other’s privacy and yet do most things together. We are kind of a balancing act. We’re not opposites but we aren’t exactly the same either. He keeps me laughing and lightens my fears. I ground him a bit and boost his confidence when he needs it. We are very “good” together and always have been.

    I’m living proof that happy marriages are possible. I hope you experience the same someday!

  6. I read both of your posts in sequence, but I had to come back to this one and think about it before commenting….even after thinking about it, I don’t have anything very intelligent to contribute, haha, but jeez, I was clutching my heart while reading so much of that…

    DUDE, my personality, I find, is SO not conducive to a healthy relationship…it’s all fire and madness and “in your face”, in both good and bad ways…in the past days and weeks I’ve found myself in a situation thinking: “what if my personality isn’t designed to NOT be annoying or to not “piss someone off” every 5 minutes, due to my brutal honesty?”…like so many times I search under the coach for my “brain-to-mouth” filter, but I just can’t find it! Sometimes I can be cute, caring charming and hilarious, but other times I can be annoying as fuck…so what does that mean? Where is the dude willing to put up with all of that?

    Babe I have no answers for you, ’cause I am some kinda fucked up chick…BUT, even if I’m often disappointed with myself or others, I know that this existence is a one-time thing with a lot of brilliance, so as long as there is the hope of someone, it’s enough to be alone for now…for now…

    PS: after reading this, I’m feeling a tingly sensation that’s inspiring me to write an “off schedule post” (’cause seriously when do I write two in two days?)…yes..inspiration courteousy of Josh is knocking on my door…we’ll see..

    PPS: I’m glad you can get your ass onto your blog and express yourself freely; I think sometimes I constrict myself on my blog a bit by following a set pattern…something for me to think about for 2008 πŸ˜‰

    PPS: speaking of being annoying and “in your face”, I think I was cranky this morning, and thus a little bitchy to you in my comment-reply to my last post..I’m gonna go tweak that a wee bit..I know I don’t have to, but I want to… πŸ™‚

  7. I too have thought alot about what you have written here and have tried to come up with a perfect response and can’t seem too. I agree that love is work and it’s about give and take on both sides and it’s about compromise. My parents have been together 33 years and they are still so in love but they also still work at it, I see them both work at it almost everyday.

    I’m 26 and am still alone too and I’ve been thinking along the same lines as you, will I be alone forever and will I be okay with that? So I guess… just know that I’m thinking of you and sending you lots of non creepy internet hugs. πŸ˜‰

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  9. Belle: You marriage sounds wonderful. What you described is the sort of relationship that I hope I can one day experience. Sometimes I get frustrated and depressed with my current situations, and sometimes I feel angry at all the dysfunctional relationships I have been through, but I still think there may be a few women out there somewhere who would be capable of working well with me. I hope I do find that someday. And best luck to your son. Until such a day as I do find happiness with a woman, he’s got a bachelor brother in arms with me.

    Romi: That’s the big question isn’t it. where’s the one who’s supposed to be out there for me? Do they even exist or is it all some fairy tale bull shit that makes people feel better about life? I don’t know. Some people find it, while others don’t, and there doesn’t seem to be any way to tell who wins the love raffle. Shitty people get great partners, and great people end up alone. But I guess that’s just life.

    I’d love to hear an off schedule post. And as far as expressing myself openly here, well, this blog is the only place I am open and honest about all this mushy feelings crap. I never talk about it with anyone except for here in this impersonal interface. Maybe I feel safer here not having to look anyone in the eyes as I talk about it. Or maybe it just helps to mull over my thoughts and polish them before I express them. But this blog has ended up being a form of therapy for me. An outlet to communicate all the things I haven’t talked about since … well, ever. We men folk aren’t very comfortable with all of this you know. And next time one of my posts has you clutching your heart, give your self a little fondle just for me. πŸ˜‰

    Also, I went back and reread your comment on my last blog and found nothing bitchy about it. What i did see was two winky faces and an account of how I almost murdered you with laughter. (my favorite kind of murder, so much better than AIDS rays)

  10. Allie: Non creepy internet hugs? WTF? I only like the creepy kind. Just kidding. Yeah, I guess this may be a new trend or something, but it sounds like a lot of the people I’m getting feedback from are in their mid to late twenties, and not settled down at all. Maybe young people these days are just waiting longer to start serious relationships. I’ve heard statistics that our generation is waiting longer to go to college, start careers, and have children, so why not throw marriage and all that warm fuzzy stuff in with the mix? I guess if modern medicine and the FDA are going to force me to live longer, then I might as well take a little longer to do everything so I don’t wind up with an extra twenty years or so at the end of my life with nothing fun left to do.

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  12. Okay okay! You talked me into it, you get the creepy internet hugs full of roaming hands and inappropriate ass grabs. And you are right, our generation is taking their sweet time about things but I’ve noticed that the generation under us is jumping into marriage. Quite a few kids that graduated a few years after me have already gotten married, had kids, and then most of them are already divorced. Weird how that works I think.

  13. Dude, I totally get you on this one. All my friends are married or may as well be married. Hell, you’ve seen me be the awesome Auntie. But I’ve never dated anyone seriously for more than a few months because I just kick people’s asses with my personality and piss people off. And sometimes I panic, thinking I’m going to be alone and weird for the rest of my life. But what the fuck, I’d rather be alone and weird than rushing into something and end up divorced and miserable (which equals PREDICTABLE, the WORST thing ever).

    Of course, there was the five-year ‘whatever the hell’ with a very important person who I just had to fucking let go of if I was going to move on and not be a shallow walled-in mass of bitterness like him, all his good intentions aside…so…I dunno. You could get married and have all the typical things, or you could end up alone, and either route has an equal chance of making you miserable or happy. So I suppose we all just gotta figure it out for ourselves, right?

    I’m here for you dude! If I wasn’t so far north, I’d totally share my chocolate-and-Jack-Daniels with you πŸ™‚

  14. Em: Chocolate and Jack? You sure know how to talk to a man! I like your view on all of this. I guess I’ll just have to spin the good old wheel of destiny and deal with whatever it lands on. I’m not worried about it anymore. I just go through little spells where I worry about life and shit. Usually I’m happy with my station if life. And no matter what happens, I know I won’t turn out predictable. Never have, never will.

    Don’t you just love “whatever the hells”? Just so you know, I’m a deep mass of bitterness with no walls! πŸ˜‰ Just kiddin’.

  15. LOL…I can’t wait till the next time I get to fondle to one of your posts..haha…I’ll make sure to describe it when I do, hahaha πŸ˜‰

  16. Wait, we’re allowed to fondle Josh’s posts now?

  17. Josh,
    I probably could have written your post (with perhaps a few less F-bombs ;)) myself 5 years ago. Where I’m from (Idaho), it is not uncommon to be married (and with a baby on the way) by the time you’re 18-19 (if you’re a girl). At almost 28 and with no prospects to marry me (believe it or not, I am a strong personality too), it was looking bad. My family was starting to try to fix me up with distant (but still related–EWWW) cousins in the hopes that I wouldn’t become more of a withered-up old maid. It didn’t help that every guy I dated would immediately find Mrs. Right after breaking up with me.

    I met my husband when I was 27 (and he was 26) and it just clicked. Even though things aren’t always perfect and there have been hard times (which is natural–I think it’s odd if there aren’t some bumps in the road every now and again). Looking back, even though it was hard having all my friends and cousins finding the ‘One’ and starting families way before I did, I wouldn’t change anything at all. I firmly believe that even though it’s lonely and hard and sometimes you wonder if you’re going to be all alone forever, when it’s the right time (and you’re in the right place/right frame of mind etc) the right person will come along and it will happen.

    Besides, you have to find someone to work your mad cooking skills on with all your new Rachel Ray recipes (it’s looking more and more like you’re the only one entering my fabulous contest)!

    Keep your head up and try to stay hopeful (easy to say, hard to do, I know) and good things will happen for you.

  18. Very interesting post, and I”ve been hearing so much about it, I felt it was high time to comment.

    My take on it is that we’re constantly going through change, meaning you won’t be exactly the same person you were today in a six months or even a year. I was dating a guy for 9 years. We lived together, but like the beginning of your post, we could both see the writing on the wall, and yes the Donnie Darko music was beginning to play. But I didn’t want to be married or have kids, and he did. So he left, and I’m alone. But after a couple of years have passed, I’ve really changed. I now know I don’t want that guy back at all, but I do actually want kids and a husband one day. I don’t know who that lucky guy is, but I’m so surprised at myself. I never though I would want those things, and now I do.

    So we change all the time, and you just have to take it easy on yourself because the more stress caused by wondering if your fit for love or by wondering if there’s someone out there just for you will just frustrate you and prevent you from seeing things more relaxed and more clearly.

    I don’t believe in “soulmates.” But I do believe there are many soul mates for us. Timing is a big part of things, but every relationship that doesn’t work out tells us something about ourselves and what we want and don’t want.

    Alright – hope that wasn’t too cheesy, but I really liked your post; it inspired me to wrggity write.

  19. You once asked me “Are there any good sides to getting old?” I answered you in a post called Getting Old. Now don’t be scared … it isn’t depressing at all. I forgot to mention in it that getting old (for me) means that eccentric people are the ones I remember most. It is harder for them (you) to find lasting relationships, because they (you) are odd, not mainstream, differently directed, whatever. But once the relationship is found, it is the most lasting. You’ll be OK. Oh, oh, and another thing about getting older … you no longer worry about whether a relationship is lasting or not, because you don’t have the time to care. So back to cheap thrills for me.

  20. you inspired me to write a post. go josh.

    and also i went to black sentenials blog. fuck shes a bitch she has this lil cult thing going on. shes goin bout britney spears’s mum today. fuck her you shud start your own cult.

  21. Allie: I wonder if there are studies on this sort of thing. I’d bet there are. Hmmm.

    Emerald: You can fondle my posts if you want. I was making a funny cause Romi said my post had her clutching her heart, and I said next time it happens she should give herself a little fondle for me. But seriously, I asked my posts, and they said it’s ok with them if you want to bust out some fondling. It’s whatev.

    Trena: No kidding, you parents were trying to hook you up with distant cousins? Dang. Mine aren’t quite there, but that’s only cause my little brother is already married, and my baby brother has a way with the ladies, so they are pretty sure they’ll have grandkids soon enough. I usually feel how you do, that one day, if it’s going to happen, it just will, and I shouldn’t sweat it. But I tend to have mood swings like a pregnant woman on the rag, so sometimes I get a bit emo and fatalistic about it all. And go me! I hope I win! But for real, I’ve got court tomorrow, and I may be sent away for a while, so if I don’t respond in a few days, give it to someone else because I’m probably in the slammer for god knows how long. But maybe not, so cross your fingers and knock on wood and stuff. Or prey, you know, whatever you do.

    Ms. Barclay: First of all, thank you for keeping the super hot sexy teacher fantasy alive and well. I’m sure your students would thank you too, if they lived far away and didn’t have to see you face to face every day. Second, I am so with you on the soul mates thing. Not one true one, but plenty of possible good ones, if the timing is right. And definitely, with every freshly failed relationship I learn more and more about how to build and maintain a healthy relationship, and what I want in a woman. And every one, even the dysfunctional unhappy ones, teach me ways that I need to grow to be a better partner for my next lady companion. So yeah, wiggity word on that. Peace out teach.

    Linda: This may be the most inspirational thing I have ever seen you write. I really appreciate that. That was great. And holy crap, if life gets more hectic as you get older I’m going to burn out by thirty. The only reason I have time to worry about this at all is because I only sleep four to six hours a night. In fact, I think it’s about high time I took a vacation. Just as soon as I earn some moneys. Like maybe a decade or two from now. πŸ˜‰

    the Queen: right on, I’ll come check it out if I have time before I have to go to sleep. Big day tomorrow. And that is a great idea! I should so start a cult! In fact, this may not surprise you, but I have actually sort of planned one out already. Maybe I’ll post about that soon if I am able. And don’t worry about theblacksentinel. She’s just a crazy activist. I had to watch a few of my friends turn into that when they went to college. It’s not worth the hassle to try and talk logic or reason with those people. They zealots for their own personal causes, blind to anything they don’t want to hear. I just let them do their thing and spend my time on things that I enjoy instead of things that piss me off.

  22. im not particuarly worrried bout black sentenial i think she shud just let you have your opinion. freedom of speech and what not. whats the big day tomorrow? sorry i 4get.

    i think you shud start a cult you must post about it!!

    i am going to sleep. night night.

  23. The Queen: I had court again. i sat there all afternoon, missed an entire day of work, and they didn’t have time to see my case, so I have to come back again later. But that means I’m a free man for the holidays! Yay! I’m going to the bar to celebrate. Plus, it’s the last thirsty Thursday before x-mas, so I’m double celebrating.

  24. Hahah, don’t you feel better now that we’re in super love? Look at my rad comment back there when I was still under GreenMetropolis. Clearly we’re meant to be.

    P.S. I was just surfing through your old posts cause I’m at reception over lunch and I was missing you so I was trying to look up that sexy picture of you on the back porch in your boxers in the snow. Don’t try that in Canada, cause you could frostbite some really important stuff and I’ll be pissed.

    Love you!

    Oh, and when you’re thirty, you’ll be all up in my vajayjay, just to answer your question.

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