Lost in the Television

So I went to court today and sat there for the entire afternoon. Many many hours. But they were too busy to get to my case today, so it got continued. You see, my last name starts with a letter way at the end of the alphabet. sometimes that’s nice, like when you get seated in the back of a class room. But sometimes, like when you have to wait in court, it is kind of lame. But I was glad today because that means I get to be a free man for the holidays! Woo hoo!

So I went out to celebrate tonight at Thirsty Thursday. But when I got there I was kidnapped to go deliver some pot, and I was gone for a half an hour or so. And when I got back, we only stayed about another hour before Nate and Sami decided they were ready to come home, and having no vehicle of my own (fuck you cops) I had to come back with them. And now they’re watching Lost in the front room, shit I haven’t seen yet, so I have to stay back here and occupy my time. So much for celebration you dream crushing bastards. Oh well, at least we have beer.

So while we were at the bar, I found out that my friend Lennon was in a nasty car wreck yesterday. He got in an accident somehow, and ended up rolling his truck five times. He was all fucked up. And he was supposed to play bongos and sung back up vocals for the live show. I mean, his ankle was all wrapped up, and his hand was swollen to twice the normal size with a cast and shit. It was sick. but he was a total trooper. He tried playing the bongos for a while (aka one song) and it was too painful. So he unwrapped his arm, put the cast on in a different position, took one ace bandage off his leg to pad his left forearm, and played most of his drums with one hand, only playing simple bass notes with his cast. It was awesome.

So anyway, I’m a big fan of the show Lost. I watched the entire first season when it originally aired on TV. But since I’ve been a slave for the last seven years, I missed the second season when it aired. I was washing my masters feet or cleaning out the stables or something, I don’t remember. But if you have ever seen the show, you will know that much like 24 or Heroes, you can’t miss more than one episode without being completely ,well, lost.

But I recently found out that my baby brother had both season two and season three on DVD. So under penalty of death I convinced him to let us borrow them so we could catch up. And for the last four days, both of the TV’s in our house have been airing different seasons simultaneously as I watched season 2 and Nate and Sami watched season 3. And despite the fact that I work a full time job, I have managed to somehow almost finish an entire season in three evenings. That’s a lot of Lost people, a lot.

And in the spirit of my overindulgence, I bring to you, an ode to Lost. Here are a few reasons I like the show, in no particular order. (aka, number of episodes they have appeared in, thank you IMDB)

hot mama

Emilie De Ravin, aka Claire Littleton: Uh, she’s hot, she’s blonde, and as far as I’ve gotten in the show, she currently has no man love on the island. (Edit: nevermind, she’s back with that emo rocker junkie fag) Plus she’s rocking that Australian accent like nobodies business. And she’s had a baby, (in the show) which not only means that she was all sexy preggers for a while, but also means she’s putting out, and qualifies her well for MILF status.

not too shabby not too shabbynot too shabby

Evangeline Lilly, aka Kate Austin: This vixen manages to not only look good fighting in the rain, but also blew up her dad and rode off on a motorcycle. Doesn’t get much more bad ass than that. Plus she was the only character who was actually a prisoner when the plane crashed, which makes her extra hot. I just wish she’d stop flip flopping on how she feels and just pick a guy to hook up with. Do I like Jack? Maybe. But do I like Sawyer? Sort of. Damn, go screw someone already, you don’t have much else to do lady. You’re stranded on an island with a bunch of attractive people. What’s your problem?

porr little rich girl

Maggie Grace, aka Shannon Rutherford: She may be a whiny, spoiled, self centered, rich beyotch, but she’s a hot one. And if memory serves me right, she was hooking up with her step brother at one point, which makes her both kind of gross, and extremely kinky. I’d wrap it up for sure, but this is one wasp I wouldn’t mind getting some honey from. (yes I know, wasps don’t really make honey, but I’m all hopped up on Tylenol PM, so cut me some slack) Unfortunately she’s dead now, thanks to my next hot chick, so bummer and whatnot.


Michelle Rodriguez, aka Anna-Lucia: So she’s been in a million movies and apparently she can only play one character. The incredibly tough but somehow slightly vulnerable bad ass hottie. She makes it a regular habit of kicking peoples asses, mostly men, plus she killed a bunch of people in the show. So apparently sex and violence do go together well. (duh) Hell, she even had sex with Sawyer just to steal his gun, so more power too you, you tasty little chalupa. The downside, she’s a cop. The upside, she lost her job for being too bad ass! The downside, she was shot dead. The upside, it’s Lost man, who knows if she’s dead or not. I’d like to see a zombie Anna-Lucia. I’m just sayin’. Resident Evil 4 anyone?

time for some therapy

Cynthia Watros, aka Libby: She’s a little dumpy, kind of, but she’s also got that natural pretty thing going on. And yes, she may be a shrink, which I hate, but she’s a cool shrink. the sort with boobies and little or no standards. For instance she was about to hook up with Hurley, who despite having a great personality, was also crazy as hell, and fat, and had a jew ‘fro. None of those are attractive traits. Except in my case, cause I do like my women crazy. And I do dig the whole chubby thing. In fact, skinny just isn’t hot at all, eat a sandwich, damn. Anyway, I liked her because she boosted my ego. She made me feel like a crazy, pug ugly dumb ass with a good personality might be able to score with some hot chick, if we were stranded on a (sort of) deserted island with very few eligible men to choose from. Unfortunately she’s dead too, so fuck it all. Why are they killing off all the hot chicks instead of all the dudes? Where are the new hot chicks?

Also, there was an Asian chick, but that’s not really my thing. She was sweet though. And there was this old gnarly jungle lady. She was French. It looked like she might have been hot a long time ago before she was stuck in the jungle running from crazy ass “others” who want to kill her or do tests on her or whatever those weird bastards are up to. (don’t tell me) And there was her daughter, who is sort of evil, but sort of not, and she would be hot, but she looks a bit young, and, well, her nose freaks me out. I’m not into big noses, and hers is a bigguns. Maybe if I were drunk, then she’d be hot. Anyway.

Plus there’s that big ass African dude, Mr. Echo. He’s one scary dude! And that black fog, which is apparently electrical in nature. I have no idea whats going on with that. And whatever happened to all that electromagnetic energy that that chode of a turd mofo who was racing around the world released? where did it go? What did it do? And what’s up with the others? Are they savages? Are they evil scientists? Are they good guys? WTF? And will Mike ever get his come uppins? I’m about to start the third season, and maybe this season holds some of the answers, but I am about to burst with the anticipation.

God I love TV. I want to marry it and have infomercial babies with it. Of course they would air on late night TV, cause I’m just not a prime time guy. Except 24, Heroes, and Lost. And the UFC.


12 responses to “Lost in the Television

  1. I can totally relate to this ’cause I watch Lost, and I’m all caught up (but I won’t ruin it for you! 😉 ).

    Man I love how you brought characters like Libby out of the woodwork, I had forgotten about her “let me heal you, you big fat emotionally injured fawn”-ways…shame she’s dead.

    PS: I can’t wait to see your infomercial babies! But if they start pooping out George Foreman grills or Pro-Activ, you might have a problem…

  2. Romi: I kind of imagined them pooping out that crap that’s supposed to flush out your colon. Have you seen those. It’s like some miracle enema or something. And this guy drones on and on about how we have toxic layers of poo building up, and how fascinated people are with what gets flushed out of their ass. And it comes on right after lunch here. It’s weird.

  3. I am extremely fascinated by what gets flushed out of my ass, but I have never seen this miracle-colon-flusher infomercial (and yet somehow, I’m already sold 😉 )

  4. oh yeah apparently we have 15 pounds of like waste in our colons. on average. we have that infomercial over here too..

    i dont watch lost or heroes i do agree your chicks are hot especially whats her name… michelle!!! shes hot.

  5. okay, so the chicks are hot, but does anybody else find it strange that they still manage to have perfectly manicured eyebrows while ‘lost’? I’m just saying, in reality, Michelle Rodriguez would look more like Frieda after a few days sans tweezers.

  6. His name is Kevin Trudeau (sp?). The colon-cleanse-infomercial-man i mean. And he’s a nut case. But he has SOME decent ideas on health…and well I wouldn’t even know who he is if I hadn’t just lost 25 lbs in the last month doing “Phase 1” out of his nutcase book. But anyways Romi, google him…he does exist.

  7. Man, can’t a girl get a break? It never occurred to me that you’d go all commando with your gazillion-entry blitzkrieg. And I was actually feeling kind of Christmas cheer-y and sentimental, thinking that if you weren’t around or I won, I’d make sure you got at least one of the books. Serves me right for going all maudlin. (Jk, sort of.)

  8. Everyone: does the idea of an enema seem a lot like the most horrible thing Satan has ever conceived to anyone else? This Kevin Trudeau fellow has just got to be evil. I can sense it. He’s like those freaks on the work out videos. God I hate those people.

    Em: The island is magic or something. I mean, John Lock can walk, and Rose was cured of cancer. Why couldn’t eyebrows stop growing there as well? Besides, you can cover a chick up in dirt, make her all sweaty and bloody, and strip her make up, and she’ll still be hot. But give a chick Groucho Marx brows and she’s automatically nasty.

    XCM: Sorry. When I go for something I really go for it. I’ve never been much good at half way kicking ass. Plus I just like challenging myself to try and think of as many kitchen stories as possible. I just know there are more back in my head. But it’s too late now. Good luck to you, but also to me. (I like winning. What?)

    If anyone wants to check out the contest we are referring to, check it out here:
    I’ll probably be posting the directors cut of the stories I entered in the contest as a future blog, to save myself some writing time. Wish me luck, cause I really want the cook books, I mean, you know how I feel about Rachael Ray. Dang, I should have enlist the help of my readers, but it’s over now, so screw it.

  9. Hah, Kevin Turd-O. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahaha!

    It’s not getting any less funny, but my sides are starting to hurt!

  10. lol i went and read all your stories your funny. i dont get what the blue bowl was for.. you might need to elaborate on that wen you post your directors cut stories.

    hope you win the books. 🙂

    have a merry fucking christmas

  11. The Queen: It was for smoking marijuana. It was a blown glass pipe. We call them bowls here in the old USA. I don’t know what y’all call them over there.

  12. ohhhhhhhhhh i googled it.. its just like a pipe or bong… i cant even spell marijuana i had to copy n paste it from you lol.

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