So is nine pictures worth nine thousand words?

Holy guacamole Batman, it’s been over a week since I posted. Time flies when your are completely swamped with important real life shit you have to do but don’t really want to. Or when you’re having fun, I suppose it depends on how your week was. I’ve had a lot of new exciting things happen since my last post. I got a new Dell computer, which is awesome, shiny, and only took two days to arrive. Two freaking days! WTF? That’s fast! I’ve waited longer than that to go to the bathroom. Technology is amazing. Well most technology. Microsoft Vista isn’t amazing. More like suck-tastic and shitty. Hate. I seriously want to go find Bill Gates and punch his nads in vengeance. Who the fuck writes an operating system that randomly shuts down all the time to update itself. I’ve got important shit to do, don’t go interrupting my porn time you cock smoking code monkey.

But yeah, so the ‘puter has a bad ass set of speakers and a BFS. (big fucking subwoofer) Also a wide screen monitor. I haven’t yet figured out how to adjust the monitor to not stretch all the images to fit the screen. Like I said, or possibly didn’t say before, Vista is a piece-of-shit pie and I hate it with a passion. It does tell me what temperature it is outside though, and that’s kind of cool.

Also new, I got a Yamaha scooter. So for the first time since September, when the state of NC decided to seize my car, I’ve got my own form of transportation. (minus the old feets, which were getting tired of trooping about everywhere) If you’ve never owned a scooter let me briefly describe the joys of putting around on one. First of all, you get the sensation that you own a motorcycle, but a really dorky uncool one that people laugh at. Generally things like water, sand, and potholes, which are of no concern to a four wheel driver, become life threatening obstacles which must be frantically avoided at the last second. If it’s winter, which it is, you have the added bonus of being able to freeze sperm samples while still in your nuts. There’s a large storage compartment capable of holding such items as, a loaf of bread, a helmet, or your shattered dignity. (one at a time, it’s not a sedan) Also, for those of you who enjoy safety and continued existence, you will rest easy knowing that those crazy bastards driving past you at sixty mph will get speeding tickets one day, while you probably won’t since you average cruising speed is 35-40 mph. (56-64 kph) Unless of course you hit an uphill stretch, when you will be cruising at 25-30 mph. (40-48 kph) And last but not least, parking will be much easier than it was before.

bat out of hell

You all remember my sister in law, Sami? You know the really normal, not crazy one?

lay off the acid

Well she has spent a long time planning the yearly holiday party for her company. It’s a big hoity toity affair with ties and cumberbunds and curly grey wigs. Not my cup of tea, but she got to spend ten grand worth of someone elses money, so that was probably fun. Anyway, with my parents being upper level types, (mom’s the company artist, dad runs one of the departments) Sami and Nate will be rubbing elbows with the bigwigs and throwing cutlery at the servants and all that good rich people stuff. So in the fine tradition of our esteemed family, Nate has found a way to make the whole thing a little ridiculous. Sami of course made him go buy something nice to wear to the event, seeing as how he didn’t actually own anything nice enough. Here he is trying to look cool in what he has dubbed his “pimp suit”.

cool for a peasant poor surf

Not too shabby. I’ve seen sharper looking guys (mostly in the mirror) but I guess that will do for a corporate event. But wait. To really appreciate the full ensemble you need the close up of his uber classy belt.

Captain Dorky Von Shortbeard

Oh how our family just reeks of class. Nothing like a pirate belt buckle to go with your thrift store suit and your facial piercings. I’m so glad we were raised poor. Poor people have so much more fun. I swear, we rock. And speaking of rocking, my little brother picked me up a bowl piece when he was working at the flea market last weekend. Check out this wicked awesome little number. I haven’t named it yet, but I’m thinking it will be something relating to the sweet twist the glass master put in the stem. I’ve never seen one like it before.

you wanna get high?
it's tobacco, I promise

I can’t wait till it gets all resined up and the colors get brighter. Oh I love new glass pieces. I came up with a really great name, but then I forgot it, cause I was high. Holy shit! The magic of blogging has allowed me to remember. I shall call thee: Twisted Sister. (I wanna rock!) I would say she’s even prettier than old Baby Blue. You know what else is pretty? (not my sorry ass segues, that’s for sure) SNOW MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!

That's all she wrote

Maybe not impressive for those of you who live above the arctic circle in Toronto, but for down here, that’s not too shabby. Unfortunately, that was all we got, and it’s pretty much gone now, a whole two days later. By the way, kneeling in the snow mostly naked is still not as cold as riding to work on my scooter when it’s twenty or less. Fuck that. Anyway, I’m done writing for the night. The Nyquil is kicking my ass and I have court in the morning. I’ll leave you all with one last random photo of me and Nate.

insert dick head joke here
Holy shit, I almost forgot. Many thanks to Trena who sent me the Rachael Ray cookbooks. I would link to her blog here, but unfortunately switching homes and getting a new computer has left me without all my old bookmarks, which I’m trying to find again. Anyway, she rocks, and so does Rachael Ray, and so do I. What the hell, you rock too for sticking around this far through a boring shitty post. Oral sex for everyone! Unless you don’t want any. Then I suppose you could have anal or something. You know what, I don’t want to leave anyone out. How about instead of MLK Jr. day, (some dude gave a speech day) I declare this day Josh day, in celebration of me winning, and everyone gets all their holes filled, courtesy of me. You are welcome Earth. Have a good one.

23 responses to “So is nine pictures worth nine thousand words?

  1. A few things before I go to bed myself… 1) Dude… you are hot. 2) That is not snow… that is… piss (I don’t know… I’m tired) compared to what we have here in good ole Michigan. If you ever come up here, I’ll take you sledding at the golf course.

  2. its about bloody time mate! here i am checking every day to see whats going on in josh’s world… finally!!

    ha you hafta go to my blog and check out my letter to mr Bill gates the fucken cock sucker.

    lol allie thinks your hot. You remind me of that guy from disturbed. did u no you cant post pics of yourself and weed without sharing some (mainly with me and greenie) so i could have weed instead of having oral sex? thanks. that’d be great!

    go the scooter! however i wouldnt park it how you did coz over here some cut wud either reverse or drive forward into it to get out of the car park. but we’re loons!

    OMG YOU HAVE SNOW! you lucky bastard! its like a fucken muggy heatwave over here its ugh! i want to hug the snow…

    i think thats enough.
    good day to you sir.
    or night.
    The Queen

  3. Allie: I like to think that I’m so hot I actually melt the snow before it gets here. And one day I might go back north again. I do miss the snow from my childhood.

    The Queen: You can have weed instead of oral. Or both. And I don’t park my scooter like that out in public. That was actually my brothers driveway, so I know they won’t fuck with it.

    And yes. Snow. Mwahahahahahahahahaha! In your face southern hemisphere!

  4. Josh, I almost never am on the same page with you because I am old and a mom and well, just because. I do have to tell you that I come here just to enjoy your writing and your stories because they are funny and witty and enjoyable nonetheless. I may cringe, but I also laugh and I’m all about the laughing right now. As we used to say, rock on!

  5. Josh,
    Glad to see that they made it to you safe and sound. Sorry it took so long! Hope you find many good things to cook!

    They’re calling for more snow starting this afternoon–you may be a little too South for much more than rain though.

  6. Belle: Well I’m glad you get to laugh. I know I’m not exactly Disney material, but if I censored all my blogs to be family friendly then I would not be accurately reflecting my life or my opinions. Come on back now, you hear?

    Trena: Unfortunately I am too far south. We were predicting scattered freezing rain, but got scattered freezing wind instead. Oh well. Maybe we’ll get some good snow next year.

  7. The Queen, I’ve always thought that Josh was hot. He’s a real cutie. And Josh, I’m sure that’s exactly why you don’t get snow, your hotness melts all away. You are so hot that the South rarely gets snow. 😉

  8. Allie: You tell her. The Queen knows she thinks I’m hot. She knows I represent for the south. Me and Stephen Colbert, bringing sexy back.

  9. wahoo! im getting comments from your readers on your blog. fuck im the shizzle!! anyway…. I’m glad you dont park your car like that. I know josh is hot i’ve thought that 4 a while i just keep things like that too myself hehehehe . so ALLIE i dont get snow where i am either does that mean my hotness melts it away too? :p hehehhee…

    and i just want the weed. skip the oral im not in the mood for sex. unless your offering 😉

    ok im gonna go now. lol

  10. The Queen, of course it does! Your hotness rivals Josh’s. (Yeah, so I don’t know what you look like… I’m just trying to be nice. ;))

  11. Awwww, queenie and greenie, the big weed fans!!! I feel so special! I’m the shizzle too! Maybe one day I’ll be cool enough to be mentioned in a post itself! And Josh, you mentioned Toronto specifically – heart! We have way more snow up here. Not as much as usual, but it sucks the big ones when it’s not a novelty item like it is for youse guys. And you’ve inspired me to buy a new pipe, I’m loving your Twisted Sister (that sounds vaguely like a euphemism…) Mine is cute and girly with a little silver flower, but it’s too small. Thanks for the oral by the way – queenie may prefer weed, but I demand both 😉

  12. The Queen: It seems you are quite the popular chick. Props to you.

    Em: I have a funny feeling you just might get mentioned in an upcoming post I may or may not have been working on for a few days. We’ll see won’t we. And all of the Canadians I know are in Toronto. That would be you and Romi and Talea. All three Canucks.

    Don’t leave us out if you do get a new bowl. I’m big on pictures. I know, you already posted a shit ton of pictures in the blogs I missed, I just haven’t had time to go read my usual stuff. Too damn busy. I need a vacation. You’re welcome for the tossed salad and the ganja.

  13. Ha! I’m gonna post a pic of me with my purple hair, just for you 😛

  14. I followed you over from sundry and back 9, and I also am old, (gramma old even), but I had already named your pipe twisted sister. There was no other name for it really, was there? Nice. Fire it up!

  15. Em: Sweet cuppin cakes! That would make my day. I am a total dork about certain feeatures like that. There’s a few things that make me do that cartoon cliche where my jaw hits the ground and steam shoots from my ears and my eyes pop out. Dyed hair is one of em. I’m excited now.

    Donna: They say great minds think alike. And what’s the deal? Do people think I hate old folks or something? Everyone keeps mentioning that. As long as you aren’t driving the car in front of me, I love grandmas and grandpas. The more the merrier.

  16. You’d love me if I was driving the car in front of you, I speed like crazy. I have a little Hyundai Tiberon, that tops out at 180, but it gets light at 130 and a little squirrely. And it gets good mileage. I’ve been telling the hubby that I want a scooter, I think they are cool, but I tell you, I think I might have to put a flowerdy basket and streamer handgrips and a bell on it, lol, just to be a dork……
    Most of the guys in my class think I’m cool too and freak out when I tell them I’m a gramma, (then they think I’m a cougar,lol!)

  17. Donna: Sweet. Then I could put big ass spikes and fake blood on mine and we could have a themed scooter parade and laugh at all the pedestrians.

  18. Oooh! I still want a hearse painted bright pink with purple and green flames coming up from the grill and a plate that says “HWY 2 HELL.”


  19. Okay, so like I was already overwhelmed by your hot-assedness on the scooter, and then you go and post a pic of yourself in the skivvies ala classic man-slut mode….what a wicked scene 🙂

    PS: my shattered dignity takes up so much space on a daily basis, I need like a fucking 18-wheeler!! 😉

    PPS: omg where do you buy a pirate-belt?????

    LMAO: at cock-smoking code monkey….oh that Bill…

  20. Em: Yeah, I always wanted a hearse. But I want mine to be black with all sorts of wicked cool chrome shit sticking out of it. Mostly bones and spikes and shit. I know a guy who used to have one. He says they haul ass, but guzzle gas bad.

    Romi: I have no idea where he got that belt. I can’t get ahold of him or Sami right now either. It’s the end of the workday on friday, you understand. Possibly at Medieval Times. I know he went there for part of his honeymoon trip, and Sami got a shirt that says “wench”. I don’t really know if they carry pirate gear though. If I find out, I’ll let you know.

  21. I had a sweatshirt from Medieval times that had a row of Knights and said “one knight is never enough”…..I actually may still have it but I cut the sleeves off and neck out and shit so it’s REALLY comfy now.

    Lovin the spikes and blood.
    We also need someone with a black one with fins and a fake control panel with all kinds of buttons to be the bat scooter. This could be big fun!

  22. Donna: Hell yeah. That would be sweet. I used to have one that would have been perfect. It was bigger, and it was black. But some crap inside the engine blew to a hundred pieces and broke a whole bunch of crap, and the company that made it went out of business, so there aren’t any replacement parts available.

  23. Dude! Where the hell ass are you, it’s been over a week again! Every time you disappear I start to think that maybe you got arrested or mauled by a bear (lookit all that wilderness behind you in that last pic!) or abducted by aliens. That shiznat doesn’t happen up here.

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