Celebrity Crushes: Episode 3, Almost Famous


I’ve met a lot of cool people on the internet. More importantly, I’ve found a lot of really hot chicks on the internet. The internet provides a bizarre voyeuristic atmosphere where you can peek into the lives of complete strangers. And on the flip side of that coin, for the attention whore exhibitionist like myself, you can share your own life with relative impunity thanks to the anonymous nature of the webzorz. Bloggers and vloggers tend to span the full spectrum of personalities, so you can always find someone new and interesting to read or watch.

Now, some people like to watch from the shadows, never interacting. I was never content to be the voyeur. From the first time I came across this stuff I was jumping right in the middle, commenting and interacting with people from all around the world. I thought it was such a cool way to broaden my horizons. And I’ve found that generally people love the feedback. If you stick around with one site long enough you can get to know people on a level somewhere between acquaintances and real life friends. And occasionally you even get to be real friends out of it. So today I will celebrate the ladies of the web who I’ve had fun internet crushes on. Sort of like celebrities in the sense that I haven’t really met them, just watched them on screen. But also for the most part people I have interacted with personally through messages, comments, and all around digital poppy cock. (poppy not puppy you sick freaks)

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YouTube

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Brookers: Judging by her latest video, Brookers is clearly on drugs, which I honestly suspected from the start, but it’s good to know for sure. A long ass time ago I didn’t get online much. But one day my friends showed me a website called Ask a Ninja. Through that site I found YouTube and became the cave dwelling, mouth breathing, internet addict you now know. The first person I ran across on YouTube was Brookers, and I had my first e-crush. Sure, she may not be the typical picture of pretty, and sure, she has a big ass gap in her teeth, but I think she’s cute as hell, and she makes me laugh, which not many women do. She may be half retarded, but that’s how I like em.

crazy like a fox

If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have started making videos. And if I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have started blogging, and therefore not started this blog, and then your life would suck. So make her some cake or something. She ended up getting semi famous on YouTube (6,995,078 views) and Carson Daily offered her a job doing some sort of advertising crap for somebody. Anyway, that made me realize that I could make a career doing internet stuff, which I would like one day, when I grow up. The best part is, she has an even hotter sister. Two more for the spank bank! Cha-ching!

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SeeVeeBee/VeeBeeLicious/RoobyJuice: Aka Sara Louise: I can’t hardly keep track of what account she has. It seems she can’t keep her filthy mind from getting her YouTube accounts deleted. Which is great, I love that she refuses to clean her subject matter up. Veebs is the sort of kick ass chick that I would be if I were a chick who kicked ass. She had one video where she was holding an egg and telling all sorts of random trivia about eggs, until she pulled it out of her sleeve, and it was really a fucking vibrator. That was kick ass. She lives in England with her ridiculously cute children and her husband. She’s the sort of free spirit that makes interacting on the internet fun. If you want to know how to get me to send you naked pictures of myself, just ask her, because she beat you to it. I can’t help it. I love big women, especially delicious ones like her. Her home is basically a zoo, with about twenty pets. Anything that you can think of that is cooler than you, she does it. For instance, she collects old surgical tools and photos of deformed folks. Unfortunately for me, she’s taken, so I guess I’ll have to love her from afar. Maybe next life Veebs.

Veebs the brunette
Veebs the pinky

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Kimberleigh: Once again, a very funny chick. Apparently you have to either be dirty and badass, or funny for me to find you attractive. See, I learn new things about myself every day. Anyway, Kimberleigh has the added attraction of not only being funny and cute, but also being a total dork, and therefore in my male mind, she becomes accessible. Frankly, I don’t go for the normal chicks, never have. Sort of like Brookers, her vlogs started off being borderline sketch comedy which was heavily edited and really contained zero actual vlog content. This appeals to me because even entertaining people aren’t entertaining all the time, and as a proud member of the ADD generation, I need my entertainment to pander to my ten second attention span.

talk nerdy to kim

And what the hell, I might as well throw Paperlilies in the same entry. These two were inseparable for a while. I have no idea if they are still bff’s and send each other videos all the time like high school cheer leaders. I’m not on YouTube so much these days. But I do kind of like the idea of these two in cheer leader uniforms. (save the cheer leaders, save the web) Right-o. Well, Bryony is the other half of the power twins, and she’s British, which means one thing: sexy ass accent! Also, she’s an artist, or something, I don’t really know what the hell she does, but I know she likes to paint. All that really matters is that she’s hot and she made one of the coolest videos of all time.

See, she makes origami lillies, out of paper.

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Blogs

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Sundry, aka Linda: Ok, so everyone who reads this blog should know that All and Sundry was the first blog I ever read. I realize it’s kind of weird for me to enjoy a blog about family life and raising kids and shit. I know this. I’m not a mother. I don’t live in Seattle. I’m not even a chick. I’m way, way, way the fuck outside her target demograph. But I really like Sundry’s sense of humor, and she is a fucking great writer. And exactly like with YouTube, I stuck around observing something I enjoyed long enough, and I decided I should have a go at it myself. Her crack cocaine belly laughs seduced me to put together words and pictures on my own. Just when I was happily sitting on my ass, I had to go and do something. Anyway, she’s the shit, plus she’s good looking. Somewhere along the line (I believe right between the husband and the way-too-much-gross-ass-info-about-pregnancy) I lost the crush, but she still makes my list because she was a big inspiration for me. If you read this Linda, thank you for rekindling my love of writing. I had almost forgot what it’s like. You da woman dawg.

lovely woman, bit of a gut though

(edit: please note Sundry is actually twelve months pregnant with triplets, not morbidly obese as you may have mistakenly assumed. And no, it’s not one of those shit weasels from Dream Catcher, I asked)

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Romi: Ah, where to begin? Have I mentioned ten or twenty times yet that I like women with a sense of humor? Well I do. And Romi delivers in spades. She may not be normal, or legally sane, but she knows how to make me laugh. Between her offbeat sarcasm, and her open willingness to reveal the most embarrassing stories she has, She takes her readers on a roller coaster of love laughs and grimaces every time she posts. I can’t get enough. And talk about a spicy slice of ethnic heaven. I’ll go ahead and post the one existing picture of Romi in existence, (I can word it however repetitively and redundantly I feel like I want to word it) but in my head I always imagine she looks like baklava tastes. Perfect.

you dropped a bomb on me

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And of course I saved the best for last.

Green Metropolis, aka Emerald: Of all the people I want to move around the world and stalk, Emerald is probably number one. Let’s quickly review the reasons she is kick ass. She loves animals, and her house is a menagerie. She pokes smot. She was basically cloned from rock and roll itself, constructed entirely of rocking genes. Purple hair, ’nuff said. She’s too fucking hard core for just tattoos, she’s got a fucking flower carved into her ass. With a knife. Carved. Flesh. ……. She hates people, aka the public. She’s secretary core, trust me, it’s hot. I almost forgot, her name is Emerald. That’s one of the coolest names ever. At this point, even if she had no personality or looks, she would still be pretty cool. But thanks to some miraculous gift of the internet Gods she actually does have a great personality, if she’s had her meds, and isn’t pissed. And she manages to look stunning whilst having it. Never a dull moment with Auntie em, the giant walking contradiction. She loves being a surrogate Auntie, yet doesn’t want to get married or have children. She’s got a flower scar, yet she knits. She’s Canadian, yet she’s cool. Just kidding people, only a joke. I meant she’s a vegetarian, yet she’s cool. Put down your torches and pitchforks, I was only playing about Canadia. I would go on, but I think y’all get the picture. She’s the number one most crushable chick on the net. (edit: not the anvil kind of crushable, big difference)

They were able to reattach my dong
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24 responses to “Celebrity Crushes: Episode 3, Almost Famous

  1. Hey everybody. Sorry I was gone for a while. I’ve been so busy I want to run a forklift over one of my arms just to catch a breather in the hospital. Plus, I have this tendency to write a post, and then spend forever editing it and rewriting it. And usually I just throw it out because I don’t really like the way it turned out. I’ve got a ton of posts almost finished, but probably never actually going to be finished, and to all of you that just looks like I’m not doing anything. Thanks for your concern Em, everyone else can go to hell. (just kidding, I love you too) So I’m all good. Not in jail, mauled by a bear, or abducted by aliens. I’m just too pooped to actually catch up on my alleged fun time.

  2. i am highly dissapointed in you josh.

    the queen is not amused.

    glad your not in jail or anything though.

  3. Okay, pretty much ‘fuck you’ for two reasons. hahaha.
    first, like the Queen, I am highly disappointed. I believe we met first, and if not for ME, there would be no Emerald in your life.
    Second, as Emerald’s bestest buddy, I at least deserved a fucking honourable mention.
    Third, I am now dreading going into work, as I am going to have to listen to her talk about this ALL DAY LONG. She may be funny on the interwebz, but seriously, the girl needs no more ego boosting!
    Fuck you Josh!
    P.S…….I only half joke. Which half? I ain’t telling.

  4. Wait, that was three reasons.

  5. IIIIIIII LOOOOOVVVVEEEE YOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!

    Up yers T-bot! I need all the ego boosting I can get! Deep down I really do get all insecure and shit. I’m just good at covering it up by being such a loudmouth! Hehehehe.

    Josh, so glad you’re not dead or nothing! And may I say that all your fave internet ladies are uber awesome, even the ones you may not have had time to mention – I’m giving a personal shout to Queenie for mentioning me in her comment on your last post, I felt so special *sniff*. Ooh, and Talea for being my best bud. And extra props to Romi too because she’s hellof awesome and we still need to meet in real life for drinks and hijinks! And all the cool people on the intarwubs! And everyone in the world!!! Wait, no, I hate most people….

    I’m very jealous of the coolness of your other fave ladies. Especially the hair. I know I’m secretary core, but sometimes I do wish I had the freedom to be all hellatatooed with the pink hair and stuff. Damn corporate gig! NEED. MORE. INK. STAT!!!!

    Lastly, that flower was carved into my hip, not my ass. And it was with a scalpel, not a knife. That probably would have been messy. I do, however, keep a few daggers around my house for good measure…dunno if that counts for anything…

    (P.S. I’d be all “where the hellass are MY naked pictures of you?” except I only have the intermanets at work. Boo to that, this situation needs remedy-ing.)

  6. Oh yeah, and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII AM THE CHAAAAAAMPION, MY FRIIIIEEEEEEEEENNNDS, (nuh-nuh-nuh) and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’M SUPER CRUSHABLE ON THE NETTTTTTT (nuh-nuh-nuh) IIIIIIIIII AM THE CHAMPION IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII AM THE CHAAAAMPION!!! NOOOO TIME FOR LOOOOOOOOSERS, (unless they’re really attractive) CAUSE IIIIIIIIIIIIII AM THE CHAAAAAAAAAAMPION!!!!!!!!! OF THE WEBBB!!!!

  7. The Queen: What did I do? Sorry! If I made a post with every internet crush I’ve had, it would be a book. Don’t be bummed darlin, there’s plenty more posts in the future. I haven’t even seen the Diaries of Mrs. Jones or whatever it was that you love so much. Dang. Haven’t even started dating yet and I’m already in the dog house.

    Talea: Don’t think this is the last installment of ‘Almost Famous’. I have more coming, this is just where I stopped because it was 1:00 in the morning and I have to leave for work before the sun does. Finding pictures and links takes a long time you know. And I think you’re right. We did meet first. Cause you have a better title for your blog, and I link around based almost solely on blog titles. I hope your day is warm and filled with talkative Em brimming with freshly boosted ego.

    Em: Yes indeed. Props to everyone who I didn’t get to in this post. I can’t fit the whole internet in one post, and I’ve had a LOT of e-crushes. I’m an e-crush slut. Especially Queenie and Talea. I’ll get to them. You’ve never met Romi in real life? Odd. You live in the same city, it should be easy for you two to get together. Make some calls people, do it. I want everyone cool in Toronto to know each other so that if I ever go that far north I can come meet you all at once. I drove through Buffalo once. That was the farthest I think I’ve ever been north.

    Let me clear up any confusion you might have about the flower which was carved into you ass with a knife. Your hip is part of your ass. The female ass stretches from upper thigh to lower back, and a little more than half way around to the front of the pelvis. It’s a magical conglomerate. If you caught me looking at your flower scar, “I was looking at your hip, not your ass” would not be a good excuse. So it’s on your ass. And a scalpel is a knife. It’s just a fancy knife that doctors use. It’s designed specifically for cutting, and isn’t scissors or a sword, so it’s a knife. Knives range from swiss pocket, to bowie, to steak, to utility styles. Much like asses, there’s a wide variety, but they all do the same thing.

  8. HOLY CRAP!!!

    Okay that was just me being excited for getting attention, as I’m a pretty hard-core attention whore….LOL.. 🙂

    Josh, how much do I love you?? You’ve been my internet-crush as well for an age and a half; you are so fucking funny and you write like one hell of a wordsmith; what’s not to love??? 🙂

    And those youtube chicks seem pretty hardcore in an awesome way, and same goes for Sundry.

    And I think Talea should get her own post, quite frankly.

    And to be perfectly honest, I think Queen should keep her chin up, ’cause I have the distinct feeling that you guys are gonna seriously hook up one of these days 😉

    And greenie, GREENIE, OH how she rules. She most certainly deserves extra props, I’m in awe of her pretty much every time she comments on my blog….so crazy and fun! 🙂

    And I know, it’s ALL my fault we haven’t met; I was all set for me her and Talea to meet in January, but I’ve been bringing work home more nights than I can count lately (much to my dismay), barely leaving enough time to write and blog these days, which is sad, because that is a passion!

    Ladies, if you are listening, I have the distinct feeling that I’m gonna need some serious blog-chicks-in-real-life bonding time post-Valentine’s Day to fight off some of those blues, with a whack-load of cocktails and nachos…you guys game? I hope so. And to not be a total asshole, I will actually make it a fucking invite in Facebook or something so it’s all official 😉 …and Josh, once we’re all acquainted, it’ll be time for you to join the party!! 🙂

  9. Romi: Awww. You make me blush. You guys should definitely hang out. It would facilitate all my Toronto lesbian fantasies. And who knows, maybe in a year or two I will be in a financial situation where I can afford a vacation. I’ve always wanted to visit Canada. Especially in the winter. I loooooooove snow. Christmas break ’09, Josh is coming to a police precinct near you. 😉

    And SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO DIDN’T MAKE THE POST!!!!! Once again, I was in a hurry to be done with it because I haven’t gotten more than five hours of sleep in any given night for the last week or so. Plus I’ve got a new boss and a million corporate (spies) trainers at our branch. Not to mention the insane deadlines we’ve been busting ass to meet. I just needed sleep. This is not a complete list of my internet crushes. Dang. I love lots of other e-ladies. I’ll get another post up ASAP, bu not right away, these things take time. I love the Queen. And Talea is one spunky tamale. I was NOT trying to snub anyone. Seriously, I feel bad now. You all rock. Please don’t be pissed if I didn’t include you this time.

  10. RoobyFuckinJuice

    All Hail Josh, King of overall greatness (I don’t mean that kind of overall!) and sexy dudosity!
    And all hail the sexy biatches of the youtoobz!
    Speaking of the toob, you need to get yer ass on there and make a video! I miss seeing you.
    xxxx

  11. Awwwwww, backpeddaling boys are the cutest thing in the world. Romi, I’m totally up for the post-valentine drinks! I hate valentines day, I’m going to need all the alcomahol I can get! And Josh, just get in the damn car and drive up, it can’t take that long, can it? Forget this vacation business, it’s all about getting your ass somewhere and partying it up cheap. And why the hell are you not on facebook?

  12. Ya, why ARE you not on facebook? I thought you were, and than I added someone with your name, but maybe it wasn’t you…a.k.a. AWKWARD….

  13. Sarah Louise: Thank you ma’am, and I know. I should get off my ass and make another video. I should do it right now. And I want to try and make one real soon, but I’ve been so freakin busy. I’ve got a really good one all planned out and everything, I just need to make it. You may be seeing me again soon.

    Em: I don’t have a car anymore. The state seized it and revoked my license. So driving is out of the question. I’ve always kind of wanted to take a trip by train though. Plus, all my vacation, personal, and sick hours have been used up with my court dates. Life’s a bitch. When all this legal shit is done and over and I serve my time, or whatever they give me, I can start saving up money again and getting more off time, and then I can start thinking about doing things for fun. Right now I’m working with a flu cause I can’t take any time off.

    Romi: I’m one of those Myspace people. I know I need to start an account on facebook, I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. But I will eventually. Probably. Maybe.

    hahahahahahahahaha! Someone else! That’s hysterical.

  14. This post almost makes me want to start a blog so I can be on your next list of e-crushes but I really have nothing to write about other then my crappy job, the losers I work with and the… awesomeness? horrors? that is my family. Although I’m sure you would get a kick out of my Dad, he looks like Chong and used to smoke so much that years ago when my Mom sat down to do the weekly budget, she would have to budget in his smoke money or he’d spend all the grocery money on pot. Awesome.

  15. Allie: Go for it. If you think you would enjoy the writing, do it. That’s what I always say. (well, only just now, but you get the idea) Your dad sounds like … half the people I know, which is awesome.

  16. FACEBOOK NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! Dammit, I’m just gonna have to come down there myself. Yep. Down there to NORTH CAROLINA!!! See that Talea? NORTH CAROLINA. We had a bet because she could have sworn it was South Carolina. I totally won. (But to be fair, she remembered it from one of your blogspot posts, and you said you were from NC, but then spoke of South Carolina, so the NC was not as noticeable.) By the way, did I already ask you what the NC accent is like? If it sounds at all like Brett Michaels? I may have. I’m kind of obsessed with his accent.

  17. Em: Yes, Raleigh (Garner really), North Carolina. The good lookin fellow from South Carolina that you are probably thinking of is Stephen Colbert. people get us confused all the time. As for the accent, Bret Michaels is definitely not from North Carolina, he sounds like a yankee. I looked it up, he’s from Pennsylvania. My own accent is very strong most of the time, because I lived in Philadelphia for eight years as a kid and so I’ve got two accents. The yankee and the rebel cancel each other out, but sometimes it does come through strong. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the Andy Griffith show, but he had a pretty good NC accent. The show was made here you know, and they always talk about Raleigh. Yep, we’re pretty much as famous as New York City if you ask me, which you pretty much did. Yes sir, famous indeed. I’ll try and give you an example one day. I’ve got some new video ideas brewing and I think I could work an accent in.

  18. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU’RE FROM FRIKKIN’ MAYBERRY!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! Seriously, dude, you just got like 85% hotter. Oh man, Brett Michaels sounds like a yankee to you? Shit dude, you are NEVER going to hear me speak, you’ll think I sound like some twangy sort of…I dunno, all “oot and aboot” and shit. Dammit! Though I can do a killer British accent (fooled someone from London once! Ha!)

  19. Shit, I missed this whole thread.
    First, I like being called a spunky tamale. Sweet. Second, I agree with Romi, I should get my own damned post! Come on! Third, please get your fucking southern ass on Facebook. Nobody in Canada uses Myspace. Four, yes, Em and I will be meeting Romi imminently. Every day I look for her on the train, but I don’t see her. It’s a big damned city you know.
    Five, Talea gets her own post!!!! I know, I mentioned that already, but it’s of great importance.

  20. Oh, and Romi, I am so all about the nachos and cocktails. Mmmmm, nachos. Mmmmm, alcamahols.

  21. 6thly: ya man, MySpace is out; get on the Facebook wagon!!

    7thly: give Talea her own post!! LOL… 😉

  22. Everyone: Well, it’s 2:00 in the morning and I just got back from the bar, so I won’t be making any facebook shit tonight. But apparently facebook is something I should have done a long time ago. So I’ll make one. And I’ll make a new YT video. And you know what, sure I’m from Maybury, but I still love you canucks. Especially you Em. ❤ Blush, blush, blush.

    I did not just make a fucking heart with symbols and shit. Well, if it wasn’t clear before, I should never drink again. Cause now I’m not only retarded, I’m also annoying. Talea, I want to name my daughter after you, if I ever have one, cause your name is the shit. The Queeeeeeeeen: You are so cool I want your face tattooed on my ass. Trust me, that’s very cool. Not my ass, the part with your face.

    Back to Em: How the hell do you find southern hick ass mofo’s to be 85% hotter than regular mofo’s? Perhaps you should reevaluate your priorities. Cause trust me, we aren’t. (we’re only 84% hotter in real life) And I kind of dig the oots and aboots. You sound like you’re from wisconsin or something. That’s where they grow maple syrup and Canadian Bacon right? Wisconsin? (smell the dairy air)

  23. Heart! You did the lo-fi ❤ thing! (Blush blush blush in return!) And yeah, I kind of have a thing for southern accents. Makes me want to go all mint-julep and fainting like. I’ve never fainted though. I’d probably drop like a tipped cow or something. Smell the dairy air indeed – was that supposed to sound like derrier on purpose? (Or however it’s spelled?) And dammit, I sound like I’m from Wisconsin??!?!?! Dude, I just made fun of Wisconsin on Steve’s page. DAMMIT!!! Fuck this, I’m speaking in a Russian accent from here on in.

    FAAAAAAAAAAACEBOOOOOOOOOOOOK

  24. Hey Josh.. how are things, dahlink!?
    I need things… two things infact…
    Firstly your youtube account name, I’m not sure I’m subscribed I hate the thought of missing a visual offering.
    Secondly.. facebook name? :o)
    Be good to be in touch some more.x

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