Celebrity Crushes: Episode 3, Almost Famous

I’ve met a lot of cool people on the internet. More importantly, I’ve found a lot of really hot chicks on the internet. The internet provides a bizarre voyeuristic atmosphere where you can peek into the lives of complete strangers. And on the flip side of that coin, for the attention whore exhibitionist like myself, you can share your own life with relative impunity thanks to the anonymous nature of the webzorz. Bloggers and vloggers tend to span the full spectrum of personalities, so you can always find someone new and interesting to read or watch.

Now, some people like to watch from the shadows, never interacting. I was never content to be the voyeur. From the first time I came across this stuff I was jumping right in the middle, commenting and interacting with people from all around the world. I thought it was such a cool way to broaden my horizons. And I’ve found that generally people love the feedback. If you stick around with one site long enough you can get to know people on a level somewhere between acquaintances and real life friends. And occasionally you even get to be real friends out of it. So today I will celebrate the ladies of the web who I’ve had fun internet crushes on. Sort of like celebrities in the sense that I haven’t really met them, just watched them on screen. But also for the most part people I have interacted with personally through messages, comments, and all around digital poppy cock. (poppy not puppy you sick freaks)

****

YouTube

****

Brookers: Judging by her latest video, Brookers is clearly on drugs, which I honestly suspected from the start, but it’s good to know for sure. A long ass time ago I didn’t get online much. But one day my friends showed me a website called Ask a Ninja. Through that site I found YouTube and became the cave dwelling, mouth breathing, internet addict you now know. The first person I ran across on YouTube was Brookers, and I had my first e-crush. Sure, she may not be the typical picture of pretty, and sure, she has a big ass gap in her teeth, but I think she’s cute as hell, and she makes me laugh, which not many women do. She may be half retarded, but that’s how I like em.

If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have started making videos. And if I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have started blogging, and therefore not started this blog, and then your life would suck. So make her some cake or something. She ended up getting semi famous on YouTube (6,995,078 views) and Carson Daily offered her a job doing some sort of advertising crap for somebody. Anyway, that made me realize that I could make a career doing internet stuff, which I would like one day, when I grow up. The best part is, she has an even hotter sister. Two more for the spank bank! Cha-ching!

****

SeeVeeBee/VeeBeeLicious/RoobyJuice: Aka Sara Louise: I can’t hardly keep track of what account she has. It seems she can’t keep her filthy mind from getting her YouTube accounts deleted. Which is great, I love that she refuses to clean her subject matter up. Veebs is the sort of kick ass chick that I would be if I were a chick who kicked ass. She had one video where she was holding an egg and telling all sorts of random trivia about eggs, until she pulled it out of her sleeve, and it was really a fucking vibrator. That was kick ass. She lives in England with her ridiculously cute children and her husband. She’s the sort of free spirit that makes interacting on the internet fun. If you want to know how to get me to send you naked pictures of myself, just ask her, because she beat you to it. I can’t help it. I love big women, especially delicious ones like her. Her home is basically a zoo, with about twenty pets. Anything that you can think of that is cooler than you, she does it. For instance, she collects old surgical tools and photos of deformed folks. Unfortunately for me, she’s taken, so I guess I’ll have to love her from afar. Maybe next life Veebs.

****

Kimberleigh: Once again, a very funny chick. Apparently you have to either be dirty and badass, or funny for me to find you attractive. See, I learn new things about myself every day. Anyway, Kimberleigh has the added attraction of not only being funny and cute, but also being a total dork, and therefore in my male mind, she becomes accessible. Frankly, I don’t go for the normal chicks, never have. Sort of like Brookers, her vlogs started off being borderline sketch comedy which was heavily edited and really contained zero actual vlog content. This appeals to me because even entertaining people aren’t entertaining all the time, and as a proud member of the ADD generation, I need my entertainment to pander to my ten second attention span.

And what the hell, I might as well throw Paperlilies in the same entry. These two were inseparable for a while. I have no idea if they are still bff’s and send each other videos all the time like high school cheer leaders. I’m not on YouTube so much these days. But I do kind of like the idea of these two in cheer leader uniforms. (save the cheer leaders, save the web) Right-o. Well, Bryony is the other half of the power twins, and she’s British, which means one thing: sexy ass accent! Also, she’s an artist, or something, I don’t really know what the hell she does, but I know she likes to paint. All that really matters is that she’s hot and she made one of the coolest videos of all time.

****

Blogs

****

Sundry, aka Linda: Ok, so everyone who reads this blog should know that All and Sundry was the first blog I ever read. I realize it’s kind of weird for me to enjoy a blog about family life and raising kids and shit. I know this. I’m not a mother. I don’t live in Seattle. I’m not even a chick. I’m way, way, way the fuck outside her target demograph. But I really like Sundry’s sense of humor, and she is a fucking great writer. And exactly like with YouTube, I stuck around observing something I enjoyed long enough, and I decided I should have a go at it myself. Her crack cocaine belly laughs seduced me to put together words and pictures on my own. Just when I was happily sitting on my ass, I had to go and do something. Anyway, she’s the shit, plus she’s good looking. Somewhere along the line (I believe right between the husband and the way-too-much-gross-ass-info-about-pregnancy) I lost the crush, but she still makes my list because she was a big inspiration for me. If you read this Linda, thank you for rekindling my love of writing. I had almost forgot what it’s like. You da woman dawg.

(edit: please note Sundry is actually twelve months pregnant with triplets, not morbidly obese as you may have mistakenly assumed. And no, it’s not one of those shit weasels from Dream Catcher, I asked)

****

Romi: Ah, where to begin? Have I mentioned ten or twenty times yet that I like women with a sense of humor? Well I do. And Romi delivers in spades. She may not be normal, or legally sane, but she knows how to make me laugh. Between her offbeat sarcasm, and her open willingness to reveal the most embarrassing stories she has, She takes her readers on a roller coaster of love laughs and grimaces every time she posts. I can’t get enough. And talk about a spicy slice of ethnic heaven. I’ll go ahead and post the one existing picture of Romi in existence, (I can word it however repetitively and redundantly I feel like I want to word it) but in my head I always imagine she looks like baklava tastes. Perfect.

****

And of course I saved the best for last.

Green Metropolis, aka Emerald: Of all the people I want to move around the world and stalk, Emerald is probably number one. Let’s quickly review the reasons she is kick ass. She loves animals, and her house is a menagerie. She pokes smot. She was basically cloned from rock and roll itself, constructed entirely of rocking genes. Purple hair, ’nuff said. She’s too fucking hard core for just tattoos, she’s got a fucking flower carved into her ass. With a knife. Carved. Flesh. ……. She hates people, aka the public. She’s secretary core, trust me, it’s hot. I almost forgot, her name is Emerald. That’s one of the coolest names ever. At this point, even if she had no personality or looks, she would still be pretty cool. But thanks to some miraculous gift of the internet Gods she actually does have a great personality, if she’s had her meds, and isn’t pissed. And she manages to look stunning whilst having it. Never a dull moment with Auntie em, the giant walking contradiction. She loves being a surrogate Auntie, yet doesn’t want to get married or have children. She’s got a flower scar, yet she knits. She’s Canadian, yet she’s cool. Just kidding people, only a joke. I meant she’s a vegetarian, yet she’s cool. Put down your torches and pitchforks, I was only playing about Canadia. I would go on, but I think y’all get the picture. She’s the number one most crushable chick on the net. (edit: not the anvil kind of crushable, big difference)