So I watched the Super Bowl. For those of you who aren’t down with the sickness, aka people who live anywhere besides the USA, the Super Bowl is the final game in the National Football Leagues season. That would be American football, not that soccer crap everyone else has been tricked into watching. I’m not really into football. It’s not nearly violent enough to interest me. Even as a kid I found it boring and I thought the players were pretty wimpy for alleged professional athletes. But since I’m a man, I am pretty much duty bound to watch at least the Super Bowl, even if I ignore the rest of the season.
I didn’t go to a party or anything. None of my friends were very excited about it this year. So I went over to Nate and Sami’s house to chill and eat and drink and be generally merry. I would like to say that I have found it gastrointestinally inadvisable to try and limit your diet to Super Bowl food for more than one meal, two at most. I ate nothing but wings, seven layer dip, chips, and beer for two days. I’ve become well acquainted with my porcelain buddy in the water closet. I’ve got a scary story about ass blood, but I’ll spare you this time.
So New York won, everyone already knows this. I didn’t really care. I will say that the commercials, while not as good as some years, were still pretty damn good. GoDaddy.com still keeps trying to get people to give a fuck about whatever it is that they do, but no one does, cause their commercials are lame. And of course, Bud Light had the funniest overall campaign. I’m going to go ahead and give you my favorite ad of all. This decision may or may not have been influenced by large quantities of alcohol and tetrahydrocannabinol, but here it is, the Dorito’s mouse trap commercial.
They’re only 30 seconds long anyway, so go ahead and watch two more if you didn’t already see them. It’s call laughter people, and it’s allegedly the best medicine.*
*Fact not supported by science, or the international medical field.
Notably absent from all Super Bowl ads was the monkey factor. It’s been scientifically proven that people will be four to five thousand times more entertained if there is a monkey in your commercial, and that number increases if you dress up the monkey. Case in point, the nefarious trunk monkey. Possibly the most kick ass commercial series ever created. Even better than the Budweiser iguanas, frogs, ferret, Clydesdale’s, dalmatians, or Real Men of Genius. They were and are at least as awesome as midgets in kung fu flicks. Check them out, now mofo.
And now for something completely different. I was starting my work day yesterday and my boss told me to remove a toilet so we could tear out some tile in a bathroom. Well, I had to crap first, and when I was done I headed into the trailer. I smelled a funk in the air and momentarily wondered if I had farted or wiped poorly, and then I opened the bathroom door. What greeted me was the foulest stench you can imagine. Some ass hole prick had left a present in the crapper, with no water. My coworkers had a good laugh as I stifled my gags and squeezed down next to the source of the smell and spent the next few moments simultaneously unbolting the toilet and cussing the shit out of everyone in ear shot. So I bought some stink bombs that afternoon at the local gas station. I got my revenge by smashing three of those ass nasty vials in the room I knew my buddy would be working in for the next few hours. Imagine rotten eggs and fart, and you’d be close. I thought we were even.
Today I stuck my knife in the wall and headed to the next room to fix some holes in the front door. Whilst I was preoccupied, my buddy heated up my knife with a mapp gas torch. When I came back I grabbed my knife and promptly gave myself first degree burns. Nothing too bad, but I hollered something awful and threw the knife across the room. I would have been pissed, but it was actually really clever and hysterical. He got me good, I never even suspected it. But now he’s got it coming big time. I’m talking, trick him into watching a tape of me banging his sister type revenge. Well maybe not, that’s a bit harsh, and his sister might be ugly as hell since she’s related to him, but I’m going to find something to get him really really good. If anyone has any ideas for sweet practical joke revenge, let me know. I’m thinking something along the lines of home made itching powder or laxatives. Maybe something to get cayenne in his eyes or something so gross he vomits all over the place. No mercy people, what’s the most evil prank you know of? In fact, even if you don’t have a prank, I’d just like to hear some interesting work related storied to make me laugh. Tell me something funny that happened to you at work, if you have the time.
Speaking of work, if any of you remember my brother Nate’s campaign for employee of the year, he lost. After three recounts they had a secret anonymous voting system, in which he cheated, and he still lost, so he knows the voting is complete bull shit and it was rigged the whole time. I’m sure it won’t stop him from campaigning even harder next year.