You Might Be a Redneck


I had one of them redneck weekends you might say. The kind where I simultaneously wish I had photographic evidence of what I did, and am grateful I don’t. I could tell you all about it in story form, like round a camp fire or whatever, but in the spirit of good redneck fun, I’ll just share it with you in one liner, Jeff Foxworthy format.

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If you’ve ever gone to a housewarming party for your buddy, at a trailer on a dirt road in the middle of farm land on the edge of your county, and already known just where that road was, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever got drunk and seriously thought about stealing a pony, you might be a redneck.

If there are more leashes tied up in the yard than there are dogs owned on that property, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever chased tequila with tequila, you might be a redneck.

If every girl around looks real pretty till she smiles, you might be a redneck.

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If there are three or more barefoot children running around your screened in porch, playing in the water you’re using to keep the beer cold, and none of them call their mom’s man daddy, you might be a redneck.

If all the ladies ask you for your recipe for the dip you brought, and it’s store brand salsa and store brand cream cheese mixed together, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever driven your tow truck to the mailbox so you didn’t have to walk down the drive way, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever picked you morning beer based on how easy it would be to throw up, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever trespassed on ranch land with your brother, to scout for a good place to bang your woman, and ended up coming back home with a bag full of deer bones, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever trespassed a second time, with a rake, to find more deer bones, to glue to your kitchen bar, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever argued about the price of recycled copper, you might be a redneck.

If your breakfast consists of everything you had for dinner, plus eggs, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever seen your sister in law hit a liquor bottle with a baseball bat, and it hit the boat in your brothers back yard, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever repainted a drill so your good neighbors wouldn’t recognize it as the one your crack head neighbor stole from them, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever said “now she needs fuckin!” about every single female guest on an episode of Jerry Springer, and meant it, you might be a redneck.

If your response to a story about incest is, “well, it happens” you might be a redneck.

If more than one woman has made fun of you for eating squirrel, you might be a redneck.

If you’ve ever cut down a tree with a sawz-all and an extension cord tied around it, you might be a redneck.

All true stories in one liner form. And now for a little red neck entertainment. For your viewing pleasure, I bring to you, all the way from the farthest reaches of internet land, the one, the only, Ray Stevens! (if you aren’t familiar with Ray Stevens, go look his ass up, cause he’s hilarious in a very old school southern way)

And how about a face melting southern rock band that jsut doesn’t give a fuck about you or anyone who isn’t down with dixie land? Here you go:

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11 responses to “You Might Be a Redneck

  1. Okay, here’s where my uber city side and my trailor park loving side start to butt heads. Cause some of these, like trespassing in order to knock boots, sound super awesome. Hitting liquor bottle with baseball bats is also awesome, and I am ALL ABOUT STEALING PONIES. The morning beer and eating squirrels not so much.

    Also, how much do I rule for knowing it was Hank Williams Jr. singing Tear in my Beer? A lot 😀

    P.S. You’re like, sexy and junk.

  2. lol, I love the South…..

  3. Em: If I wasn’t already in some deep shit with the popo, I’d totally steal a pony for you. And you rule a lot, and you will be listening to a lot of Hank Jr. as soon as I’m up there with you.

    Steph: Yeah no doubt, I bet you’ve got some great stories of rendeckery yourself. I know your family. 😉

  4. lol, Maryland has a different type of redneckery, but none the less, you are correct….lots and lots of stories.
    But Josh, most of my best stories are with you guys, lol.

  5. City kids tresspass to have sex too. Don’t ask me how I know that.

    Also, I Am My Own Grandpa is one of the best songs ever written, I don’t care what anyone says!

  6. I guess it’s gonna be my job to break faces and steal ponies until you get your shit settled. Lord knows at least one of us has to be an asskicker at all times. 😀

  7. “If you’ve ever repainted a drill so your good neighbors wouldn’t recognize it as the one your crack head neighbor stole from them, you might be a redneck”…

    …okayyy, that is like the clever-est idea ever, redneck or not! Imagine the potential of applying that to other items you’re looking to steal: kids’ bicycles, lawnmowers, high-quality shovels, the possibilities are endless 🙂

  8. Steph: Yeah Maryland is north of what I consider the south, so I guess they probably are different.

    May: Where would you go in a city to be alone? Cause we have the woods, which are pretty much empty of people, but I imagine that every square inch of Toronto is packed full of people all the time.

    Em: I’m still an ass kicker, I just try not be a law-breaker-who-gets-caught.

    Romi: The fact that you’ve never thought of this pretty much proves you are going to heaven, or coming back as a cow, or whatever you believe will happen when you die and aren’t evil like myself.

  9. Being from WV, that makes me a HILLBILLY redneck piece of white trash! And there’s nothing wrong with squirrel, we stole some puppies one time and got shot at, and there’s nothing better in the world than stealing watermelon out of the field, cutting a plug out of it, filling it with vodka and then putting it in the ice chest to take out the next day fishin. It’s a cure for cotton mouth from smokin. Good times.

  10. Donna: Hell yeah! Now that’s what I’m talkin about. Rednecks drink better than anyone on the planet. In fact I’ve got some white lightning headed my way soon, and some strawberry brandy. And I just found out that apparently up north they consider Bud a redneck beer. I always thought it was just an everybody beer. Go fig.

  11. I had a great uncle that brewed a little shine up in the woods, I’ve still got some of his mason jars, unfortunately they are empty now dammit. I’ve got a cousin in KY, (the other side of the family), who brews his own beer and makes wine, he brought me some raspberry wine a couple years ago, that stuff was good, but strong as hell.
    I live out west and out here coors is a redneck beer, AKA rocky mountain panther piss.
    Something else to try is injecting vodka into oranges and freezing them, use a little kids medicine syringe to inject it, and shit those are good too. Us hillbillies are a healthy bunch, we always have a little fruit with our booze lol.

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