The Lolipop Guild 2.0 – Less Orange, More Horny


I believe I’ve mentioned before that I dig midgets. I don’t care what you say, or how gross their weird little hands are, midgets are hot. Everyone I know who’s had sex with a midget says they are friggin’ magical creatures in the sack, probably sent by the gods to reward those men who were brave enough to try and get to know them in the biblical sense. Kind of like whoever got to taste milk for the first time. It might not immediately strike you as pure genius, but once you start gorging on mozzarella and cheesecake, and you see how much better cinnamon toast crunch tastes doused in milk as opposed to whiskey, or blood, or whatever they used before milk, you realize that juice from a cows tit might not be so nasty after all. Long story short, if you don’t think midgets are hot, you are a coward, and Zeus thinks you suck.

So what lead me up to this point? I’m glad you asked. Well any Tom, Dick, or Harry probably sees midget porn eventually. Guys, don’t lie, this is a safe zone. You’ve all seen a ton of porn, and dollars to donuts you came across a little person shacking up with a normal person at some point in your internet meanderings. Ask any fifth grader about midget porn and they will tell you, the most famous midget porn star is Bridget Powerz, or Bridget the Midget.

half the lady, but all the tang

Alright, well she may be a pioneer in her industry, and I can’t say no to tattoos and dyed hair, but seriously, in all of Gods wide creation you would think somewhere there’s a much hotter midget who’s willing to bang strangers for money. I mean come on, that’s got to be the easiest job ever, and it pays WELL! If you’re stuck with a physical disability, why the hell not? Are you afraid you’re going to look stupid? (snicker snicker) Is Bridget the best the Lollipop Guild has to pimp out? For realz? Dude, cause much like my attraction to big women, the attraction isn’t without limit. I mean, midgets are only hot if they are actually hot. You can’t just take any random midget with a freaky gremlin face and call it sexy. No way.

Once again Jerry Springer, the ultimate white trash hero, has come through for me with the hottest midget who’s ever lived. She’s a stripper, she’s an aspiring porn star, she’s a stage performer at various night clubs and metal music festivals, a real renaissance girl. I’m absolutely fascinated by this little chick, she’s cool as shit. Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, without further ado, I present to you, hailing from the wilds of Columbus Ohio, Kat the midget! (massive standing ovation, fireworks, confetti, and sperm killingly loud heavy metal rock and roll guitar!!)

Kat

There’s really no need to explain why this is cool, but just in case any of you conservative religious folks out there are wondering why your pants just got tight, let me point out a few of the things that may be to blame. First of all, she has on a spiked collar. Why is this hot? Cause it fucking is, what are you retarded? Second: Billy Idol sneer. Anyone who’s waist high on average folks, half naked, and prancing around on stage in front of a bunch of drunken giants, and still has the balls to bust out a Billy Idol sneer is sexy. Third: Fishnet stockings. Any guy who doesn’t think fishnets are hot is clearly sexually incompetent, and should probably go play with his pecker until he figures out what it’s for.

Fourth: although not showcased in this particular outfit, she’s got a pot leaf tattooed on her hip. Does it get any cooler than a midget smoking pot? Honestly. Maybe like a cyborg ape-man, who follows you around and cooks you deep fried steaks filled with nacho cheese or something, and let me know when that happens in real life, cause I’ll be all over that too, but for now all we have is a midget who strips and smokes weed and loves heavy metal. (as if that’s not enough) Fifth: tattoos and multiple facial piercings. This is not a flawless indication that she’s a freak in the sack, (some women are boring no matter what they look like) but odds are, you’re at least headed in the right direction.

I can hear you now. “But Josh, you’ve shocked and offended our delicate sensibilities. You must be some kind of perv. According to the FCC and our pastor and/or priest, midgets are either children with giant heads, or demonic freaks, and neither of those should be turned into pieces of meat for you to lustfully leer at you sicko. You probably rape kittens while you worship the devil in your communist labor mill run by starved orphans!” Well that’s for me to know, and you to wonder. Cause this is the internet, and as far as I’m concerned, nobody can tell me what to do on here. I mean, do you think midgets don’t deserve a little lovin’, no pun intended? Do you? Do you think they should be put through life with not only the burden of being physically abnormal, but also confined to a lifetime of loneliness and self gratification? Do you think they should be treated any differently than normal sized folks? Not so cocky now are you? Well if they should be treated like normal folks, I’m going to try my best to get the hot ones drunk and naked, and possibly love them up, cause that’s how you’re supposed to treat women.

Anyway, Kat, if you ever read this, cause I assume you read every blog ever posted just in case someone ever mentions you, you rock the casbah, and if you ever come to Raleigh, North Carolina, I’ll be there throwing dollar bills at you.

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7 responses to “The Lolipop Guild 2.0 – Less Orange, More Horny

  1. How much of an indication that we are meant to be is this? After you told me about her, I spent HOURS looking at EVERY SINGLE ONE of her myspace photos. By now I’m probably more familiar with her tits than you are. This girl is so fucking cool it makes me want to puke and then get my throat pierced. If you bring her around, you get pot brownies and all kinds of favours for like, a year. At least.

  2. I say Bridget is way hotter than Kat, but I would be willing to kick Bridget to the curb and toss Kat in my trunk in an instant if I thought it might get me some freaky threesome action with pot brownies on the side. 😛 HA!

    I swear to you I was just talking about midget porn with my wife just yesterday. Get out of my head dude. 😉 Great post.

  3. OK, I found you ’cause of Peter Parkour’s post & greenmetropolis’s comments so WTF, I’m here and I’m laughing my ass off. As a Southern Woman and proud of it I have to tell you I think I may be in love with you.

    When you wrote in a post: ” I like curves, what can I say. I like my women squishy, and a muffin top is a flashing neon sign that lets everyone know just how squishy a chick is. I like thunder thighs too. And belly buttons, and boobies, and big fat asses. Especially belly buttons. In fact my women tend to get annoyed with me because I constantly poke their bellies and their love handles. I can’t help it, I just like my women fluffy. Tight clothing is hot, chubby chicks are hot, showing skin is hot, what’s not to love? We as a society need to embrace our chubby girls and not encourage them to become skinny bitches. Like we don’t already have enough of those.”

    What can I say. You have my heart!!
    😕

  4. weird thing is she’s still taller than Tom Cruise.

  5. I wonder if I’d find the male equivlaent as alluring as you find this hot-ass-l’il-chick…hmm…time to do some google-image-searching 😉

  6. Em: If having a crush on the same midget stripper isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship, then I don’t know what is.

    Peter Parker: New life goal: midget threesome with Greenie and pot brownies for desert.

    Trisha: Oh heeeeeey, it’s a lady! And a southern belle to boot. Well all ladies are welcome to fall in love with me and become stalkers if they dig what they hear, but especially the fluffy ones. I like what I like, and there ain’t no shame in admitting it.

    Aniche: yes, and less crazy.

    Romes: Maybe, her boyfriend when she was on Jerry Springer was another midget stripper, and he was pretty hot.

  7. yes kat is cool as fuck she is one of my familys good friend…i mean she made me mad one day so i grabed her by her feet and shook eveything out her pockets

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