Completely Accurate Internet Prophesies

Occasionally I’ll take a break from fantasizing about booze and women to contemplate matters at large. Important stuff, like how a government should work, or how a society should work, or how a religion should work. I look at the world around me and try to wrap my head around the things I see. I try and dig past the surface and pick apart the inner workings of … ok, fuck that. This post is not deep or analytical at all. And neither am I. Really, I just like science fiction, and I like hearing myself talk, and I want to make:

The future is round

As you can see from this illustration I borrowed from my internet scientist friend, the internet is a series of tubes. Like a blue matrix cervix leading to the womb of world wide information exchange. An international melting pot made of porn and stolen music. But as this technology grows exponentially, the world as we know it is being reshaped from top to bottom. How will life on earth be in the far distant future? Well since the Mayans believe the world ends in 2012, let’s go ahead and set this clock ahead to 2018! TEN whole years in the future! I doubt anyone who could accurately predict the end of the world would come to such an abrupt end, but just in case, the apocalypse will come before anyone can disprove my completely accurate internet prophesies.

Prophesy I:

Porn will be weirder than ever.

you know it's true

I’ve seen zombie porn, amputee porn, retard porn, bestiality, tentacle rape, extreme bondage, self mutilation, world record gang bangs, excrement, bukake, sodomy, blood, weapons, double penetration, triple penetration, fisting, anal fisting, foot fucking, titty fucking, handjobs, deep throat, monster cocks, electro-shock stimulation, deflorations, hooker abuse, fucking machines, female ejaculation, prolapses, birthing videos, incest, and possibly the most disturbing of all, clown porn. At this point I’m so jaded to porn I think the missionary position should be taught in kindergarten. What will the future bring us? Probably some really sick shit. And I’m assuming it will come out of Japan. I mean Germany and Brazil do their best to be the nastiest fuckers on planet earth, but in all honesty, nobody can hold a candle to the perversion I’ve seen come out of Japan. Setting aside their entire culture, and just looking at their porn, the Japanese are weird, and are probably disturbed on a new national level like nothing we’ve seen since WWII. If I had to guess, in ten years the Japanese will be jacking off to (still pixelated) video of panda bear/octopus mutants raping children with dick shaped tentacles that shoot vomit and poo down funnels that force feed school girl gimps as they are slowly drawn and quartered while, uh, big hairy gay bikers will piss on everyone … or something. That is if it doesn’t exist already. Also, every person on earth will have posted a home video of themselves having sex with somebody by 2018. So there will be no more porn stars, just a planet full of slutty college bitches who apparently like to fuck, but don’t like giving men the time of day because like the college girls of today, they are still too stupid to know what the fuck they want.

Prophesy II:

News as we know it will be radically transformed towards an independent and widely varied series of personal networks as opposed to large corporate news networks.

dan rather before he got old

It’s already starting, anyone with an eye and an ear open has probably noticed this trend emerging. Our local paper, the News and Observer sent out a representative to stand around the grocery store recently. My dad happened to run into him, and after declining a free paper, they got into a conversation. The guy asked my dad what it would take for him to subscribe to the paper again, and he told him it would never happen. The need for a newspaper is a dinosaur. With free news sources available from across the globe, updated to the minute, who would pay for a paper to be delivered? The newspaper sales are plummeting. Companies like the Times are laying off employees. The world no longer has to get their news from one source.

On top of that, I think a lot of people are getting tired of what I like to call the evening propaganda. Whether in print or on television, any major news network I turn to is either going to have a major left wing swing or a major right wing swing. Well fuck that. I don’t want journalists. I don’t want Katie Couric or Dan Rather telling me what to think. To be perfectly honest, I don’t really appreciate John Stewart and Stephen Colbert telling me what to think either, although I love their shows. I just want someone to concisely report exactly what happened in the world with no spin or bias, and thank you very much, I can make up my own god damned mind what to make of it all. And I don’t even want an American spin on it, though I often joke a lot about how superior America is. I know America is just one country and we aren’t the whole world. I don’t want my information edited to make me feel better. Fuck that.

In the future, as is the trend now, I see a grassroots style news network forming. Kind of like corner store gossip but on a global level. Personal blogs and websites like the Drudge Report will take over as the news source for CNN and FOX and NBC. Because as much as I don’t like the general public, I still trust them more than I trust mega-multi-conglomerate propaganda machines.

Prophesy III:

Nine tenths of all people will no longer go out and do anything without properly recording it in photo, video, audio, and text form for the whole world to see how fucking cool they are.

retarded bitch

Ok, this isn’t really a prophesy, this is more of a current observation. And I realize that I’m probably just a guilty of this as most folks, but for real. In this age of digital cameras and video phones and whatnot, a lot of people purposely record all their shit just so they can show it off online later. What the deal is yo? Get off your chair flattened asses and go outside for a taste of real life. Damn. And just a note to everyone under thirty: pictures of yourself taken by yourself at arms length are not cool or hot, please stop.

Prophesy IV:

Music, television, and movies will all be reinvented on an independent level.

steal this blog

Let’s face it, P2P networks have completely turned the music industry on it’s head. This is really a whole post in and of itself, but I can not wait to see what goes on with the music industry from here on out. I see the major record labels falling by the wayside and self promotion and touring once again taking the spotlight as bands realize that they have to actually go out and play music to make money. With software pirating at an all time high, it’s easier than ever for a garage band with some talent to get their own audio editing programs and produce their own music. This means that with a little bit of talent you can completely bypass the music industry altogether. And with the internet, all it takes is being catchy to gain a mass following. Ask any lolcat.

More and more, people feel less inclined to shell out fifteen bucks for a CD with three good songs on it, and instead spend their time amassing huge libraries of free music and spending their money going to concerts where they actually get to see a band. Like a modern day Robin Hood, the internet allows the common man to take money out of the pockets of the uber-wealthy artists and record labels and rearrange music as we know it, from a top 40 radio playlist that tells you what is cool and what you should like, to a “pick and choose on an individual level” system that puts the emphasis back where it belongs: on musicians who create and play because they love music and not because they want to be rich and famous. Can I get a fuck yeah?


15 responses to “Completely Accurate Internet Prophesies

  1. Great, way to go. Thanks to quantum fetish mechanics, there is now a website dedicated to that horrific porn you’ve just described. You’ve made the world a little sicker 😀

  2. Em: God gave me a gift, I have to use it.

  3. 1) I miss the days of yesteryear when porn was simple and gang bangs were limited to five guys. 😛 2) And I’ve always said I wish there was a news source that just told it like it was. You always get these totally polar opposite apposing views, and they can’t both be right. What the fuck. 3) They need to start taking pictures of other parts of their bodies, and then sending them to me. :mrgreen: I could live with that. 4)As for the music industry, they fucked themselves by never lowering the price of cd’s like they promised, they’ve only gone up. I hate that shit. A nickel a song would work for me.

    PS: Fuck yeah!

  4. LOL you are quite intelligent arent ya. I think porn should go back to the old days, its just too crazy now. We need to be excited by the simple things not by octapus’s and gang bangs with 15 guys. Also… I havent brought a cd for ages, However I recently found a band called Cause for alliance and I Wanted to get their song, after I discovered I couldnt download it anywhere I did search CD shops to find that ONE place stocks them and they’re currently out so I have to sit and wait. I dont go to concerts so it doesnt bother me if artists dont go on tour. The main thing that piss’s me off about having to pay to download on the net is that they want credit card details I dont have a credit card otherwise i’d totally be happy to pay.

    Oh the left wing, right wing stuff? Meh.. I just want Hilary to win.

  5. Peter Parkour: No nickel per song. fuck that shit. I’m done with the music industry, from now on I steal everything I can. I actually download music I don’t even like just so I can have it for free. Music should be free to the people. And thanks for the fuck yeah.

    The Queen: I also don’t have a credit card, which is why I am not in debt. And people look at me like I’m the stupid one.

  6. Oh don’t get me wrong, free is good too. 😉

  7. Here’s your “FUCK YEAH!” You said it far better than I ever could have.
    My favorite line: “Get off your chair flattened asses and go outside for a taste of real life.” Oh, I wish I’d said that! 😀

  8. Since you’re the prophecizer or whatever, a couple questions:

    -I read your paragraph on all the different types of porn you’ve watched not once, but like 3 times…does that mean I’m sick like the chick in the cowboy hat cautiously (but gleefully) touchin’ up on those massive balls?

    -Also, out of my 93 pics tagged of myself on facebook, I believe there is only one arm’s length one taken of myself, and I was drunk at the time…can I be off the hook for that one???? Or am I on the same level as that emo chick in the bathroom???

  9. So pretty much more of the same you reckon? I am betting on some kind of huge catastrophe that wipes out six tenths of the internet through a combination of spam viral overload and a collapse of the infrastructure as the world descends into chaos in a final futile battle over the last of the natural resources. That’s my bet.

  10. It’s all about stealing music, and movies, and TV shows. We’re already pretty close to all these record labels being overgrown distros. The last disc I paid for was Bif Naked’s ‘I Bifcus’ in 1998. I never pay for movies, ever. If I want to go to the theater, I cash in my banking points and get free tickets, but mostly I give them to my friends because I’d rather be at home. I totally, totally agree with you on this.

    However, I totally disagree on the arm’s length photo. BAH! My ‘May and YOUs’ are kick ass. They are all self portraits with friends and family taken at arm’s length. There are almost 200 of them now and I adore every one of them. Does this mean you’ll sit out the May and YOU ritual when you finally get up here?! I just checked and there are 241 pics tagged of me on Facebook and about 150 of them are arm’s length portraits with awesome peeps. 😛

    Also, we’ve worked in porn for so long I’ve seen what you described, I just don’t pay much attention to porn that doesn’t make me any money. Like things involving horses. Hey! That’s how you can work up here, you can just run porn sites! Duh!

  11. Trisha Truly: Why thank you ma’am, much obliged.

    Romi: Wow, I guess nobody has told you this before, but yes, you are very, very sick. You are not however, anything like that emo chick in the bathroom. You’re brown, which automatically makes you slightly cooler by default.

    Paul: If I remember correctly, you are Brittish, which means you are familiar with the concept of kicking everyones ass on the planet and stealing their shit for your own country. I think if it came down to it, Europeans and North Americans could easily do it again. South America and Africa, watch your backs when we run out of land! I don’t think we’ll fuck with Asia till the last minute, cause they have robots and kung fu and shit. Australia is cool, they can come hang with us.

    May: Ok, let me make a slight adjustment to my mostly bull shit blanket statement that arms length photos are for fags and tards. If you take arms length pictures of yourself to showcase how pretty, trendy, fashionable, or cool you are, you can suck a dick. If you take arms length pictures of yourself with friends cause you aren’t a professional photographer and arms are convenient camera holding devices, then you are in the clear. If you are May, you can do whatever you want and still rock the house.

    Side note: I’ve actually photographed a soft porn shoot. In my room, on my bed no less. I guess I could be down with running porn sites, better get to learning html and Canadian copyright laws.

  12. How strange, cos actually I’m Australian. So I’ll see you soon,

  13. this made me think of you….

  14. Oh Josh, I really do just heart you more every time our paths cross.

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