Occasionally I’ll take a break from fantasizing about booze and women to contemplate matters at large. Important stuff, like how a government should work, or how a society should work, or how a religion should work. I look at the world around me and try to wrap my head around the things I see. I try and dig past the surface and pick apart the inner workings of … ok, fuck that. This post is not deep or analytical at all. And neither am I. Really, I just like science fiction, and I like hearing myself talk, and I want to make:
As you can see from this illustration I borrowed from my internet scientist friend, the internet is a series of tubes. Like a blue matrix cervix leading to the womb of world wide information exchange. An international melting pot made of porn and stolen music. But as this technology grows exponentially, the world as we know it is being reshaped from top to bottom. How will life on earth be in the far distant future? Well since the Mayans believe the world ends in 2012, let’s go ahead and set this clock ahead to 2018! TEN whole years in the future! I doubt anyone who could accurately predict the end of the world would come to such an abrupt end, but just in case, the apocalypse will come before anyone can disprove my completely accurate internet prophesies.
Porn will be weirder than ever.
I’ve seen zombie porn, amputee porn, retard porn, bestiality, tentacle rape, extreme bondage, self mutilation, world record gang bangs, excrement, bukake, sodomy, blood, weapons, double penetration, triple penetration, fisting, anal fisting, foot fucking, titty fucking, handjobs, deep throat, monster cocks, electro-shock stimulation, deflorations, hooker abuse, fucking machines, female ejaculation, prolapses, birthing videos, incest, and possibly the most disturbing of all, clown porn. At this point I’m so jaded to porn I think the missionary position should be taught in kindergarten. What will the future bring us? Probably some really sick shit. And I’m assuming it will come out of Japan. I mean Germany and Brazil do their best to be the nastiest fuckers on planet earth, but in all honesty, nobody can hold a candle to the perversion I’ve seen come out of Japan. Setting aside their entire culture, and just looking at their porn, the Japanese are weird, and are probably disturbed on a new national level like nothing we’ve seen since WWII. If I had to guess, in ten years the Japanese will be jacking off to (still pixelated) video of panda bear/octopus mutants raping children with dick shaped tentacles that shoot vomit and poo down funnels that force feed school girl gimps as they are slowly drawn and quartered while, uh, big hairy gay bikers will piss on everyone … or something. That is if it doesn’t exist already. Also, every person on earth will have posted a home video of themselves having sex with somebody by 2018. So there will be no more porn stars, just a planet full of slutty college bitches who apparently like to fuck, but don’t like giving men the time of day because like the college girls of today, they are still too stupid to know what the fuck they want.
News as we know it will be radically transformed towards an independent and widely varied series of personal networks as opposed to large corporate news networks.
It’s already starting, anyone with an eye and an ear open has probably noticed this trend emerging. Our local paper, the News and Observer sent out a representative to stand around the grocery store recently. My dad happened to run into him, and after declining a free paper, they got into a conversation. The guy asked my dad what it would take for him to subscribe to the paper again, and he told him it would never happen. The need for a newspaper is a dinosaur. With free news sources available from across the globe, updated to the minute, who would pay for a paper to be delivered? The newspaper sales are plummeting. Companies like the Times are laying off employees. The world no longer has to get their news from one source.
On top of that, I think a lot of people are getting tired of what I like to call the evening propaganda. Whether in print or on television, any major news network I turn to is either going to have a major left wing swing or a major right wing swing. Well fuck that. I don’t want journalists. I don’t want Katie Couric or Dan Rather telling me what to think. To be perfectly honest, I don’t really appreciate John Stewart and Stephen Colbert telling me what to think either, although I love their shows. I just want someone to concisely report exactly what happened in the world with no spin or bias, and thank you very much, I can make up my own god damned mind what to make of it all. And I don’t even want an American spin on it, though I often joke a lot about how superior America is. I know America is just one country and we aren’t the whole world. I don’t want my information edited to make me feel better. Fuck that.
In the future, as is the trend now, I see a grassroots style news network forming. Kind of like corner store gossip but on a global level. Personal blogs and websites like the Drudge Report will take over as the news source for CNN and FOX and NBC. Because as much as I don’t like the general public, I still trust them more than I trust mega-multi-conglomerate propaganda machines.
Nine tenths of all people will no longer go out and do anything without properly recording it in photo, video, audio, and text form for the whole world to see how fucking cool they are.
Ok, this isn’t really a prophesy, this is more of a current observation. And I realize that I’m probably just a guilty of this as most folks, but for real. In this age of digital cameras and video phones and whatnot, a lot of people purposely record all their shit just so they can show it off online later. What the deal is yo? Get off your chair flattened asses and go outside for a taste of real life. Damn. And just a note to everyone under thirty: pictures of yourself taken by yourself at arms length are not cool or hot, please stop.
Music, television, and movies will all be reinvented on an independent level.
Let’s face it, P2P networks have completely turned the music industry on it’s head. This is really a whole post in and of itself, but I can not wait to see what goes on with the music industry from here on out. I see the major record labels falling by the wayside and self promotion and touring once again taking the spotlight as bands realize that they have to actually go out and play music to make money. With software pirating at an all time high, it’s easier than ever for a garage band with some talent to get their own audio editing programs and produce their own music. This means that with a little bit of talent you can completely bypass the music industry altogether. And with the internet, all it takes is being catchy to gain a mass following. Ask any lolcat.
More and more, people feel less inclined to shell out fifteen bucks for a CD with three good songs on it, and instead spend their time amassing huge libraries of free music and spending their money going to concerts where they actually get to see a band. Like a modern day Robin Hood, the internet allows the common man to take money out of the pockets of the uber-wealthy artists and record labels and rearrange music as we know it, from a top 40 radio playlist that tells you what is cool and what you should like, to a “pick and choose on an individual level” system that puts the emphasis back where it belongs: on musicians who create and play because they love music and not because they want to be rich and famous. Can I get a fuck yeah?