Crimes Against Nature, and Other Sunday Morning Kicks


So I was a little vague about my own record, and ended up looking through the law books for a while today. While I was in there I realized there’s a friggin ton of kick ass stuff to do that’s against the law. I mean, everything fun is pretty much against the law. So in the spirit of my criminal founding fathers here in the USA who said fuck the police and bugger the King, I present to you my list of crimes I want to commit before I die. Crank up ACDC in your stolen cars and kiss your cousins y’all, it’s crime time on the highway to hell!

§ 14-8 Rebellion against the State: Who doesn’t want to one day be part of a rebellion that overthrows the shitty ass government we have now and starts fresh with a clean slate. Screw all these sweet ass laws I want to break, lets start with the one that ends them all!

§ 14‑12.3. Certain secret societies prohibited: As defined by the law, any secret political, military, or any other society aimed at violating or circumventing the law. I just love the sound of that, sign me up please. It would be like an actual black market with discount membership cards and everything. You can bet I’d be hitting up the produce, the pharmacy, and the hardware section, but the meat section is where the real surprises are.

§ 14‑16.6. Assault on executive, legislative, or court officer: I bet even all y’all well behaved folks can think of a government official or two you’d like to assault.

§ 14‑34.8. Criminal use of laser device: I have no words for how awesome this charge would be. It almost brought a tear of joy to my eye thinking about it.

§ 14‑43.2. Involuntary servitude: Dude. Heh … heheh ….. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

slavery

§ 14‑72.4. Unauthorized taking or sale of labeled dairy milk cases or milk crates bearing the name or label of owner. What the hell, why is taking milk crates illegal? Fuck it, add it to the list.

§ 14‑79. Larceny of ginseng: this one’s for Emerald, and yes, it’s a real friggin law on the real law books. Go fig.

§ 14‑149. Desecrating, plowing over or covering up graves. Holy crap, these just keep getting funnier and funnier, I would never have thought of this one, although I did dance on a grave once. (an old ass one, so as not to piss off any young ghosts)

Article 26 – Offenses against Public Morality and Decency: With the notable exception of any of the crimes against minors in this chapter, I think pretty much every single one should be dropped, even if I don’t particularly want to break it myself. For instance, I wouldn’t want to break any bigamy laws, cause I have my hands full with one woman. But if you dig it, go for it Holmes. Likewise incest isn’t my thing, but I think it’s very entertaining (Jerry springer eat your heart out) and should be allowed, if that’s what you’re into. But at least half the laws in this chapter are just puritan Christian morals seeping unconstitutionally into the law books.

If you want to be a hooker, knock yourself out, impress me. Strippers should be able to do whatever they want. Porn should be able to do whatever it wants. (and clearly does, thank you internet) Cussing should be allowed encouraged in public, on television, and especially on the motherfucking radio you FCC cock suckers! Let the artists decide what they want their music to sound like. When Jesus starts recording again, I’m sure his singles will be very popular. I want to be allowed to run naked through the streets shouting FUCK at the top of my lungs while carrying a burning cross made of donkey porn. I hate it when other people force religious morality on me. Fuck you, who the fuck do you think you are? Oh yeah, the government.

My number one favorite law to break in this Chapter of the law would be so called “Crimes Against Nature”. So vaguely defined that even Wikipedia isn’t sure what the fuck they meant. It’s an open door for the government to tell me what I can and can not do in my own bedroom. Butt sex here I come, and if anyone sees Nature walking around, tell her I have some anal lube for her too.

§ 14‑202.11. Restrictions as to adult establishments: again, retarded. (by the way the law was really confusing here, so I could be misinterpreting it. You would think the laws here in America would be written in English, since we allegedly speak it and all, but no) Why can’t I buy vibrators at a strip club? What the fuck hell? What if I want to? What then huh? I’m already at a friggin strip club for Christ sakes. Maybe I should try and combine my secret society for the purpose of violating the law and this one, that would rock. What does your club do? You help the homeless? What a faggot, I sell sex toys in a strip club. Why would you restrict my adult entertainment? I purposely haven’t died yet just so I can enjoy all this shit. Damn!

§ 14‑256.1. Escape from private correctional facility: What? I can dream!

§ 14‑269.3. Carrying weapons into assemblies and establishments where alcoholic beverages are sold and consumed. Every little boy in the world dreams about this from his earliest days watching cowboy movies. Apparently being cool and protecting yourself is illegal. Lame, I wanna do it anyway.

§ 14‑277. Impersonation of a law‑enforcement or other public officer. I act like an asshole every day at work, does that count? I think it should, all I’m really missing is a badge. I already have a gun, and a propensity for beating people who don’t deserve it. Babies, the elderly, cripples, minorities, all must fear the long arm of the anti-law.

§ 14‑288.6. Looting; trespass during emergency. Ok, technically I would like to combine Inciting a riot, failure to disperse, and looting. Basically I want to be Bender from Futurama, but less robotic and more awesome, kind of like I already am, thank you very much. On second thought, maybe I’ll keep the robot thing, that does rock.

§ 14‑329. Manufacturing, trafficking in, transporting, or possessing poisonous alcoholic beverages. Now I’m not sure exactly how they define poisonous alcohol as opposed to regular “poison” alcohol, but I want to make moonshine, and if that isn’t poison it’s damn near the closest thing I’ve ever drank, and it’s illegal.

§ 14‑362. Cockfighting: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Awesome!

§ 14‑381. Desecration of State and United States flag: Now I am very patriotic, not only to the United states, but to Dixie Land as well, and if I want to hang my flag upside down and backwards as a general statement about the condition of our government then I should damn well be able to. I have before, and I will again, kiss my ass Uncle Sam, you’re not the boss of me.

§ 14‑395.1. Sexual harassment: Here I come bitches, best have some fun with that T and A before you’re too old and gross!

§ 14‑400. Tattooing; body piercing prohibited: Now if I’ve been present whilst one minor was tattooing another minor, does that pretty much violate the spirit of the law, cause it’s a bit late to get tattooed underage.

§ 14‑401.6. Unlawful to possess, etc., tear gas except for certain purposes. Again, weapons? I want them, I thought I had the right to bear arms you rotten pig fuckers. Give me tear gas or give me death! (preferably tear gas, that wasn’t an invitation)

§ 14‑401.20. Defrauding drug and alcohol screening tests: I so did that while in drug class and on probation! And I made a killing!

§ 14‑444. Intoxicated and disruptive in public. Again, been there, done that. And yet somehow didn’t get arrested for it yet.

§ 14‑460. Riding on train unlawfully: I just might be a hobo if I damn well please. What if I am tired of being a slave to money and working all the time and just want to see the country? I mean I don’t, but maybe when I’m old and all my friends and family have been killed in the revolution. Who knows. I hear the hippie movement is big into that, being vagrant and all. Why not? There’s not much in this world hotter than a woman with a facial tattoo covered in dirt and sweat, and I so wish I was joking when I said that.

So now you tell me, what law would you like to break? Hell make it a meme or something, post your own list. But come back and let me know if you do cause I’ll probably be too busy looting with hookers to surf the whole net for blog updates.

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19 responses to “Crimes Against Nature, and Other Sunday Morning Kicks

  1. Taking milk crates is illegal in Canada too, and I was pleased when I managed to build a makeshift dresser with about 20 of them in my first apartment. Also, I got my first tattoo at 15, but I think the age is 16 here, so it wasn’t that much of a stretch.

    I’ve broken many hilarious ones, and some really fantastic by-laws. I once got a ticket for riding down King Street on my bike with a pylon on my head. It was for $21, but he believed my ‘no ID, I swear my name is Mia’.

    I’ve only got one law on your list I’d like to break, and once I tell Chris it’ll be a race to see who does it first – Criminal use of laser device.

  2. May: The actual purpose of the law is severely disappointing, but my imagination had so much fun with an anti laser law that even now I get a little giddy thinking of how I would break it. Mostly cause I’ve always wanted to be a super villain, and fuck up some big metropolis, and steal shit from museums with animal sidekicks or something. Then, I would drive really fast around town in a giant robot of some sort shooting lasers at the cops and destroying bridges and exploding things with my lasers. You guys are good with computers, you should become super villains.

  3. I still say wait until we’re old and we don’t have to risk you getting kicked out of the country. Then we can steal chocolate bars and urinate in public and drive motorized carts slow enough to be a hazard to traffic. They’ll probably take away our motorized carts and put us on meds, but we can just stash them up and save them for pantsless Saturdays when we’re in the mood for a real good time.

  4. Holy Crap, Batman! I SO want to do one like this as a meme!!
    This was brilliant!! You have definitely given me fodder for a future blog!!

    And as for: “§ 14‑395.1. Sexual harassment: Here I come bitches, best have some fun with that T and A before you’re too old and gross!”

    Babe, I’m working on it!! Bwahahahaha!!!!!

  5. uhh…ahem… are *all* of those laws?! Who would have thunk it? I guess I can now add them to my list of been-there-done-that shit.

  6. Em: we could do that now!

    Trisha Truly: I can’t wait to see it, I’ll be checking up on you in anticipation. And remember, there’s always a good man out there that you aren’t too old or gross for, so live it up!

    Allison: Yes every single one of these is a law that I copied straight out of the NC lawbooks, hence the weird S symbol that I don’t know how to type. And there is no way you can cross all of them off. If you have been charged with criminal use of a laser, I will shit a brick. Nobody has ever done that.

  7. Holy crap! Since when is Sexual Harrassment against the law? I thought it was just a “guideline” not to do it….well my whole damn blog is one big pile of sexual harrassment towards the “wang”, so go ahead and lock me up motherfuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    🙂

  8. suchlovelyfreckles

    Slavery is against the law? But the Old Testament clearly states you should have slaves! Who to believe? (Oh, I’m an atheist… Phew…)

  9. suchlovelyfreckles

    Oh yes… Trisha sent me here. Se said to tell you that. 🙂

  10. Romes: Ha, I don’t think anyone would complain about you sexually harassing them. Mostly it’s just the bitches who complain, as if they don’t like dick or something. Trifling ass ho’s. But I’m sure there a ton of your horny man-readers and a few ladies who wouldn’t mind locking you up, or at least having fun with handcuffs. Maybe you should ask around, if you’re into that. (and who isn’t)

    Freckles: I wouldn’t listen to the bible or the law if I were you. Just do whatever you want. And say hey to Trisha for me! And PS – Freckles is a really cute name. Hopefully you’re a chick and not a dude. It reminds me of Lost, and the whole Sawyer/Kate debacle.

  11. 12 out of 23 in the bag. But then I’m old, and you and I probably are the only ones who knew about the ginseng one. As for the rest, you can knock your self out guessing, but I ain’t admitting a damn thing.
    “Lie, deny, disavow all knowledge, and accept no blame”.

  12. Besides, the statute of limitations is probably run out by now. lol

  13. Donna: You’re a bad girl, and I like that! Emerald is a total badass in her own right, but all things considered I never thought I would end up with a woman anywhere near as law abiding as she is. I tend to gravitate to the really fucked up, criminal broads. Partly cause I have strong crime tendencies, partly cause squares are no fun, and partly cause black market bitches give it up easier. What can I say, I’m kind of a slut, (or a magic lover as I like to call it) or at least I was till I fell in love.

  14. Ya’ll are all cute in love and shit! And I never thought I’d be this law abiding either.
    It’s a little scary.

  15. I think I’d take a laser to the people responsible for the tattoo and piercing crime. They need some laser discipline!

  16. You mean, whacking the people responsible if the laser cleaned out it’s own power supply and plunged the whole city in a blackout. Just make sure you have night-vision goggles or a torch 🙂 Ah, nothing like a good game of “discipline”. In the dark.

  17. Duffboy: No way man, illegal tattoos are the shit. come on now, I’m pro crime here, not pro discipline.

    Virgilius Sade: Doesn’t everyone have night vision goggles and torches laying around? Or do you mean torch in the British sense of the world, as we Americans call them, flashlights? (I have some of those too, for frog giggin and such)

  18. Yup, a torch! But a primitive torch of fire during a blackout would be fun 😉 Imagine all the looting and pillaging, not to mention the “fun” with the drunken Aboriginals on a Saturday night with the random heavy weaponry at our disposal on the streets 😀 By heavy weaponry, I mean bricks, bits of corrugated iron and glass bottles.

  19. Hell yeah boi, anarchist thunder down under! I’ve been contemplating a little anarchy campaign of my own, but that’s for another post.

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