Dairy of a Madman.


So due to a long series of random synapse firing over at Mrs. Sundry’s site, (she’s my hero a celebrity on par with Elvis a god damned genius this blogger I read who totally doesn’t impress me too much cause I’m the man and all that shit) something over there got my wicked little mind wrapped around the topic of dairy. Not diary like that little Jew chick who hid in the attic. Just plain old dairy, like milk, and cheese.

Now I know what you’re thinking. The dairy industry pretty much has their shit together. Surely there aren’t huge topics in the milk and accessories biz that need to be explored in a public forum. Not the case people! After just moments of thinking on it I realized there are a ton of questions that clearly have never been addressed.

For starters, sour cream and cream cheese. What’s the deal with them? I know what cream is. It’s friggin fat-ass milk that was literally so damn fat it floated on top of the normal milk and some health nut jackass back in the day decided to skim it off instead of mixing it right back in like he should have. But sour cream isn’t sour at all. So what’s the damn deal? Well let me get all Alton Brown on your asses for a second and inform some peeps, cause I looked it up. (wikipedia is the shizzle my nizzles)

Sour cream is cream with lactic acid bacteria cultures added, which thicken it and make it the wonder we all know and love. It’s named so because the process of adding lactic acid by bacterial fermentation is known as “souring” So sour cream is literally sour cream. That’s cool, now it makes sense. But what about cream cheese? Is it cheesy cream or creamy cheese? Well it turns out that the process used to make sour cream is the same used to make cheese, just stopped very early. Same deal with cream cheese. Made with a mixture of milk and cream, the lactic acid slightly thickens the cream cheese. So cream cheese is creamy cheese. Sweet, questions answered.

Except one. You have probably heard that cheese makes you constipated. Well in fact any diet consisting of all protein and no fiber will make you constipated. Your large intestines need fiber, which the body does not digest, to help keep food moving through fast enough that it doesn’t get all the good moisture sucked right out and turn into a gravely ass rock, clogging up your system in the process. But for myself, since I drink a fair amount, I usually have a problem with the squirts and a little delicious cheesy constipation seems like a welcome reprieve from the living hell that is wiping your sorely depressed asshole with single ply toilet paper three times a day at work. So since there are like, fifty or sixty billion kinds of cheese, there must be some differences in exactly how effective they are in drying out that butt mud. But which would help the most? Don’t wanna go number three, eat some brie, or perhaps cheddar is better. Mozzarella stops a fella, or maybe a meal of swiss and your ass won’t piss. I don’t know any scientists, but if anyone out there can help me out, this seems at least as valid a use of academic minds as teaching ebonics.

But that’s just the easy stuff. Now the hypothetical stuff. We know cheese is made from milk, and we have chocolate milk, so how come we don’t have chocolate cheese? I mean what the hell! Everyone loves chocolate, and there are plenty of mild, almost flavorless, even spreadable cheeses that would not fuck with the flavor of chocolate. Why is there none? I want it, and I want it now! Gimme gimme gimme dammit! There’s more that cheese could do though. All I ever see as far as spicy cheese is Monterrey Jack, which has a kick the same way a newborn baby has a porn star dick. Where’s the Cayenne Cheddar? If my ass doesn’t feel like it’s pushing out propane fireballs then my food wasn’t spicy enough. And how come we can get every product ever made flavored like cheese, but we can’t get cheese flavored like every product? I want Slim Jim cheese, Jack Daniels cheese, motha lickin steak and shrimp cheese. What’s up! And my biggest cheese peeve actually has nothing to do with the industry at all, it has everything to do with pretentious assholes who think they are authentic Italians just because their fuckin grandparents bought some pizza once. Screw you. Unless you just moved here from Rome it’s pronounced rih-cot-uh. It IS NOT ree-coat-ah. You’re not Italian, just stop, cause if I have to hear that much more it’s gonna be pronounced glah-gah-gheck cause I’m gonna shove the damn shit down your preposterous throat.

And how about zombies. Zombies eat human flesh. They normally eat living human flesh, but whilst they are ripping apart victims to devour, at some point that living flesh becomes not living flesh and is just warm flesh. So avoiding my theory about warming up dead bodies to use for zombie bait and sticking to my dairy theme, would a zombie eat cheese if it were made from human breast milk? I mean it’s mostly human right? And how come we can’t get human cheese in the store? Don’t give me this shit about it being unsanitary or anything, cheese is made by souring milk, a perishable product, with bacteria, then letting mold flavor it, and aging it, often in friggin caves. If that doesn’t sound unhealthy then I don’t know what does. I want titty cheese, what’s the deal Kraft?

And speaking of breast milk, how come we can’t get that either? I mean there must be a shit ton of women out there lactating right now, and I bet they could use some extra cash. I would drink breast milk. And surely there are those breastfeeding nazi bitches out there who refuse to feed their little poop machines formula. Well what if their knockers run dry one day? You would think they should have another option. I mean you hear about wet nurses back in the day before they had formula. They are still out there right now, just waiting to wet nurse it up folks. This could be a high dollar industry. Just think about how much money women make off their tits when they aren’t even producing anything. It’s like milky white gold. Or take it one step further, how about a wet nursery! Think about it, a daycare center with fresh warm boob juice for your youngsters. They already screen the shit out of the people working there. Couldn’t they just give all the women like, milk steroids or some shit? Not only would we have super healthy breast fed babies growing up, but we have the added advantage of a whole boat load of extra huge bosoms bouncing around our fair nation. Everyone wins.

And while we’re on the topic of what kinds of milk we can and can’t get, how come the only milks I ever see in the store are cow milk and goat milk? And the goat milk is in cans for Christ’s sake, it’s not even fresh. Where’s the sheep milk, or camel milk. What about dolphin milk! I would kill for some dolphin milk, I bet that shit is tasty as hell. It’s at least got to be ten times cuter than cow milk. I mean, all mammals produce milk right? So you would think there would be more milk varieties. Alpaca, buffalo, tiger, raccoon, Mexican llama: where are all my milk selections? Damn you dairy industry for raping my options in Food Lion!

I’ve pretty much covered the whole dairy industry now, but there’s one last stronghold that most people would never think to challenge: ice cream. I’m not bitching about the taste of ice cream. I think their flavor selection is great. I just wish they could come up with something that doesn’t turn into a brick after one day in the freezer. Seriously, I shouldn’t be able to bend the big spoon when I go to dip it out. And I don’t mean the big table spoon size, I mean the huge one used for like pulling chickens out of stews, and digging trenches and all that shit. That ridiculously huge one that everyone seems to have one of but never gets used for anything. I like my ice cream creamier than it is icy, thank you very much.

One last thing. I like yogurt from time to time maybe if it’s full of super sweet fruit syrup or chocolate chips or something, but for the love of god, all you health freaks: STOP SUGGESTING IT SHOULD BE ATE AS A FUCKIN MEAL PLAIN. That’s just dumb.

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11 responses to “Dairy of a Madman.

  1. 1. Sounds like yogurt would fix some of your ass problems, so tart it up however you like.

    2. The more you talk about milk, the grosser it sounds.

    3. I’d like to see you in one of those fancy artisanal cheese shops, asking the shopkeep for a cheese that stops you up nicely.

  2. Hey Dude! So, interesting ranty post there, and I agree that there should be chocolate cheese. I have had almond cheese before, so maybe the cheese-flavor-inventors will get around to chocolate. Almond cheese is great, too, BTW. Hey when you eat your fruity yogurt, do you like the kind where the fruit is on the bottom, or where it is already all mixed together? My husband argue over that all the time (I like the fruit on the bottom kind because then I can decide how much to mix in depending on whether I want more or fewer fruits at the moment). Oh, and you’ll beat me up for this but I like the plain kind too! I usually put my own fruit on it but sometimes I just eat it straight up. Sometimes straight up with salsa!

    I do like my dairy products.

    OhYeah I have had buffalo cheese before (made with buffalo milk) so, see, the industry is taking your suggestion about other animal milk. there’s also a sports bar called “Tiger Milk” but I don’t think it’s really made from Tiger’s milk. Those guys are doing false advertising. http://www.tigersmilk.com/

  3. Me again, and Dude, they have pepper-jack cheese! That stuff makes my eyes water. I’ve seen jalapeno cheddar too. So they’re with you on the spicy-cheese. Just not on the chocolate cheese (yet).

    How about chocolate cream cheese? Would that count? I bet they have that already. Somewhere.

  4. Because, you know. They have chocolate cheesecake. Which is just cream cheese with chocolate added.

    OK I think I’m done.

  5. Enough about cheese already. How about the topic of soap. Yeah, now there’s something to ponder. Like, how come the stuff is colored (blue, green, pink) but when you get it wet the suds are white? Huh? How about explaining where all the color goes? Look THAT up in your wiki.

  6. “So since there are like, fifty or sixty billion kinds of cheese, there must be some differences in exactly how effective they are in drying out that butt mud”

    Hahaha…boy did I ever need a laugh tonight, and you delivered in spades! 🙂

    And you should seriously write a letter to Kraft requesting your “titty cheese”…LMAO…

    I don’t even know what to add, this was friggin’ hilarious 🙂 …and oh yeah I want a full dose of those milk steroids so I can earn some money on the side ala wet nurse…oh yaaaaa 🙂

  7. I love your poetry. I mean, who else would think to make up such gross limericks involving various cheeses and their ability to plug up your plumbing. You should totally be in the jingle business.

  8. “Seriously, I shouldn’t be able to bend the big spoon when I go to dip it out.”

    I am totally going to try to work this into random conversations all week, which is as long as I’ve been constipated, personally. I ended up in the hospital. True story. I had a mean old nurse who yelled at me, “Didn’t your Mom ever teach you to eat your fiber?” and I totally said, “It’s been so hot lately; I’ve just been drinking beer.”

    It was then an only then that I realized she was the bitch who was going to slide the enema tube up my ass. Twice.

    P.S. Thanks for stopping by and leaving me a comment. I was totally stoked.

  9. Today the jingles, tomorrow, the rest of Broadway.

  10. Carolyn J. : People keep talking about these alleged cheese stores, and it’s blowing my mind that there are places where whole stores are devoted to cheese. I had never heard of this phenomenon until recently. And it sounds awesome btw. I do enjoy messing with snooty clerks in fancy places (aka: those that demand shirts and shoes) especially Starbucks. I like to make up some ridiculous sounding bull shit with a lot of coffee jargon and see if they actually make something, then tell them I was just kidding and I just want a coffee and see how long it takes them to argue with me before I can get a regular, non-pretentious house blend with just milk and sugar.

    Jennifer: I only like the kind with fruit on the bottom, so I can eat all the crappy plain yogurt off the top and get a whole bunch of fruit elixir at the end undiluted by any yogurt remains. Clearly from your yogurt/salsa concoction you smoke a ton of weed, so welcome to the family. It took me a few minutes of staring at that link to realize what kind of sports bar you were talking about. Neither pepper-jack cheese, or jalapeno cheddar taste spicy at all to me, I’m a little jaded though cause I lived with Mexicans for eight months. And no chocolate cream cheese doesn’t count, I mean real cheese. (although chocolate cheese cake is orgasmic)

    Allison: I think the suds are usually tinted like their original color, and I would assume they lose their color from light refraction or some such crazy science stuff, but that’s an excellent question.

    Romi: You would make an awesome wet nurse. You could pander to the Indian niche and brand it as curry flavored breast milk perhaps!

    Em: I may end up in the jingle business one day, I enjoy advertising and marketing, so who knows.

    Tammy: Dude, I hate it when I stick my foot in my mouth in the most inopportune moments, and trust me, when you talk as much unfiltered shit as I tend to it happens a lot. I remember I was laying in bed with an ex girlfriend right after one of our first romps, and somehow the topic turned to Catholocism, and I told her Catholic chicks were just too fucked up in the head to be worth the effort. She promptly informed me she had been raised Catholic and the rest of her family still practiced strictly. We didn’t last long.

    Virgilius Sade: What is this Broadway you speak of? It sounds cool, I love broads.

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