So due to a long series of random synapse firing over at Mrs. Sundry’s site, (she’s my hero a celebrity on par with Elvis a god damned genius this blogger I read who totally doesn’t impress me too much cause I’m the man and all that shit) something over there got my wicked little mind wrapped around the topic of dairy. Not diary like that little Jew chick who hid in the attic. Just plain old dairy, like milk, and cheese.
Now I know what you’re thinking. The dairy industry pretty much has their shit together. Surely there aren’t huge topics in the milk and accessories biz that need to be explored in a public forum. Not the case people! After just moments of thinking on it I realized there are a ton of questions that clearly have never been addressed.
For starters, sour cream and cream cheese. What’s the deal with them? I know what cream is. It’s friggin fat-ass milk that was literally so damn fat it floated on top of the normal milk and some health nut jackass back in the day decided to skim it off instead of mixing it right back in like he should have. But sour cream isn’t sour at all. So what’s the damn deal? Well let me get all Alton Brown on your asses for a second and inform some peeps, cause I looked it up. (wikipedia is the shizzle my nizzles)
Sour cream is cream with lactic acid bacteria cultures added, which thicken it and make it the wonder we all know and love. It’s named so because the process of adding lactic acid by bacterial fermentation is known as “souring” So sour cream is literally sour cream. That’s cool, now it makes sense. But what about cream cheese? Is it cheesy cream or creamy cheese? Well it turns out that the process used to make sour cream is the same used to make cheese, just stopped very early. Same deal with cream cheese. Made with a mixture of milk and cream, the lactic acid slightly thickens the cream cheese. So cream cheese is creamy cheese. Sweet, questions answered.
Except one. You have probably heard that cheese makes you constipated. Well in fact any diet consisting of all protein and no fiber will make you constipated. Your large intestines need fiber, which the body does not digest, to help keep food moving through fast enough that it doesn’t get all the good moisture sucked right out and turn into a gravely ass rock, clogging up your system in the process. But for myself, since I drink a fair amount, I usually have a problem with the squirts and a little delicious cheesy constipation seems like a welcome reprieve from the living hell that is wiping your sorely depressed asshole with single ply toilet paper three times a day at work. So since there are like, fifty or sixty billion kinds of cheese, there must be some differences in exactly how effective they are in drying out that butt mud. But which would help the most? Don’t wanna go number three, eat some brie, or perhaps cheddar is better. Mozzarella stops a fella, or maybe a meal of swiss and your ass won’t piss. I don’t know any scientists, but if anyone out there can help me out, this seems at least as valid a use of academic minds as teaching ebonics.
But that’s just the easy stuff. Now the hypothetical stuff. We know cheese is made from milk, and we have chocolate milk, so how come we don’t have chocolate cheese? I mean what the hell! Everyone loves chocolate, and there are plenty of mild, almost flavorless, even spreadable cheeses that would not fuck with the flavor of chocolate. Why is there none? I want it, and I want it now! Gimme gimme gimme dammit! There’s more that cheese could do though. All I ever see as far as spicy cheese is Monterrey Jack, which has a kick the same way a newborn baby has a porn star dick. Where’s the Cayenne Cheddar? If my ass doesn’t feel like it’s pushing out propane fireballs then my food wasn’t spicy enough. And how come we can get every product ever made flavored like cheese, but we can’t get cheese flavored like every product? I want Slim Jim cheese, Jack Daniels cheese, motha lickin steak and shrimp cheese. What’s up! And my biggest cheese peeve actually has nothing to do with the industry at all, it has everything to do with pretentious assholes who think they are authentic Italians just because their fuckin grandparents bought some pizza once. Screw you. Unless you just moved here from Rome it’s pronounced rih-cot-uh. It IS NOT ree-coat-ah. You’re not Italian, just stop, cause if I have to hear that much more it’s gonna be pronounced glah-gah-gheck cause I’m gonna shove the damn shit down your preposterous throat.
And how about zombies. Zombies eat human flesh. They normally eat living human flesh, but whilst they are ripping apart victims to devour, at some point that living flesh becomes not living flesh and is just warm flesh. So avoiding my theory about warming up dead bodies to use for zombie bait and sticking to my dairy theme, would a zombie eat cheese if it were made from human breast milk? I mean it’s mostly human right? And how come we can’t get human cheese in the store? Don’t give me this shit about it being unsanitary or anything, cheese is made by souring milk, a perishable product, with bacteria, then letting mold flavor it, and aging it, often in friggin caves. If that doesn’t sound unhealthy then I don’t know what does. I want titty cheese, what’s the deal Kraft?
And speaking of breast milk, how come we can’t get that either? I mean there must be a shit ton of women out there lactating right now, and I bet they could use some extra cash. I would drink breast milk. And surely there are those breastfeeding nazi bitches out there who refuse to feed their little poop machines formula. Well what if their knockers run dry one day? You would think they should have another option. I mean you hear about wet nurses back in the day before they had formula. They are still out there right now, just waiting to wet nurse it up folks. This could be a high dollar industry. Just think about how much money women make off their tits when they aren’t even producing anything. It’s like milky white gold. Or take it one step further, how about a wet nursery! Think about it, a daycare center with fresh warm boob juice for your youngsters. They already screen the shit out of the people working there. Couldn’t they just give all the women like, milk steroids or some shit? Not only would we have super healthy breast fed babies growing up, but we have the added advantage of a whole boat load of extra huge bosoms bouncing around our fair nation. Everyone wins.
And while we’re on the topic of what kinds of milk we can and can’t get, how come the only milks I ever see in the store are cow milk and goat milk? And the goat milk is in cans for Christ’s sake, it’s not even fresh. Where’s the sheep milk, or camel milk. What about dolphin milk! I would kill for some dolphin milk, I bet that shit is tasty as hell. It’s at least got to be ten times cuter than cow milk. I mean, all mammals produce milk right? So you would think there would be more milk varieties. Alpaca, buffalo, tiger, raccoon, Mexican llama: where are all my milk selections? Damn you dairy industry for raping my options in Food Lion!
I’ve pretty much covered the whole dairy industry now, but there’s one last stronghold that most people would never think to challenge: ice cream. I’m not bitching about the taste of ice cream. I think their flavor selection is great. I just wish they could come up with something that doesn’t turn into a brick after one day in the freezer. Seriously, I shouldn’t be able to bend the big spoon when I go to dip it out. And I don’t mean the big table spoon size, I mean the huge one used for like pulling chickens out of stews, and digging trenches and all that shit. That ridiculously huge one that everyone seems to have one of but never gets used for anything. I like my ice cream creamier than it is icy, thank you very much.
One last thing. I like yogurt from time to time maybe if it’s full of super sweet fruit syrup or chocolate chips or something, but for the love of god, all you health freaks: STOP SUGGESTING IT SHOULD BE ATE AS A FUCKIN MEAL PLAIN. That’s just dumb.