So you know that one topic every blogger everywhere has complained about at least once? I know you do, the dreaded “too busy to blog for a while” syndrome. I gots it. Or I has’d it, whatever, I’m not an English major OK? I’ve had a wicked case of real life distractions keeping me busy. And not even cool ones like partying a lot over the Labor day weekend (sike) but more like really ass-chappy ones such as working overitime way too much and keeping up with one’s own personal responsibilities like laundry, cleaning, studies, and porn. Although the porn wasn’t really ass-chappy for me so much as all those lovely ladies in the adult entertainment industry.
Sadly enough, even having been retardedly busy, and not being able to be the total web addict, stat-whore, ass-sitter-onner I’ve dreamt of being since those days of yore when I was supposed to be paying attention in Sunday school, I’ve still had time to get really annoyed with everything going on in the world. I’m not even talking about politics people. (Although I will say that milf from Alaska who looks like Tina Fey needs to seriously think of running for Vice President of my balls, cause even if she’s spitting out retards she’s still hot as hell, and if this wasn’t already a run on sentence wildly out of control I’d fit in some oval office joke, but you get my drift) The thing that’s been giving me nervous ticks every time I turn on the television is the friggin Olympics.
With their retarded costumes, five dumb circles printed on everything, and idiotic location. Grrrrrrrrrrr! I hate the Olympics. OK, hate is a strong word. I find the Olympics boring as hell and irrelevant, and wish they would stop taking over every channel on television and the entire internet once every two years. I mean they are over and they’re still all over everything. Could they not find a shittier place to hold them than Beijing? Was Chernobyl taken? What about Skull island? On second thought, that would kind of rock, but that’s not the point. China sucks, there, I said it. Nobody moves to China, cause it’s a shitty place to live. It’s smoggy, and evil empirey, and chock full of SARS, and bird flu, and three foot women shouting the shrillest language on earth at the top of their lungs as if completely incapable of comprehending inside voices with their eastern logic. That’s why there are Chinese food restaurants on every block in the Western world, because anyone with any skill whatsoever gets out as soon as they can.
Any skill that is besides training their twelve year old daughters to flip around like fruity ninjas with hula hoops and jump ropes. (and making our toys of course) Good lord, I had to watch about thirty minutes of one of those gymnastics events where they randomly bust moves around this big ass padded square holding random objects. I mean throwing a hula hoop up to the ceiling and catching it is cool, but I did that in friggin middle school, albiet poorly, and I just don’t consider it a real sport. I’m sorry. It’s not. Not even if you’re wearing a flamboyant onesie with feathers and scale-looking-sequin patterns.
Many of the events weren’t actually sports in my opinion. Anything with a judge for instance. Jumping real far or high, that’s a sport. Running or swimming real fast is a sport. I would say fighting is a sport, but I don’t like judges to be involved in who wins. Hurling things real far, meh, alright I’ll give it to you. lifting heavy things, sure. But not twirling ribbons or swinging around on bars. That’s bull shit. Diving is total crap. Water polo is a sport, but it’s so dumb that nobody cares. Simply being difficult doesn’t make something an Olympic event in my opinion.
So I got to thinking, what should be in the Olympics. What would I want to see. I mean, surely if we’re going to include dumb shit that’s judged on opinion, then we can come up with more interesting events than gymnastics! Here’s how the Olympics would go down if I were in charge:
First of all hold them somewhere cooler, like Vegas, or Amsterdam. Or have them all in a haunted mental hospital, like the one they filmed the House on Haunted Hill in. (the remake) Second, less retarded unitards, more topless ladies! And not the Chinese twelve year olds or those hairy, mannish, fanged boner killers from Eastern Europe. I’m thinking more along the lines of at least the women’s volleyball teams. I mean that sport is already basically Olympic camel toe. And if we can’t find super hot chicks to play on the teams, then they have to bring buxom, morally bankrupt college coeds from their respective countries to act as ring girls for each event. While I’m on it, Olympic pole dancing sounds pretty cool. Or take it one step farther and have Olympic kegels and Olympic bukake.
Beer should be a main focus of the games. Nothing brings a bunch of random strangers from all over the world together quite like booze. Beer pong would be an obvious choice, as well as quarters, chugging, keg stands, and bar top wet t-shirt contests. In fact, a lot of games would be a lot cooler if a certain chemical level were manditory before every event. I’m talking drunken bowling, beer chugging track relays, and drunken javelin. Make that javelin catching. Or how about an even where you have to get really high and watch Grandma’s Boy without laughing. Greco Roman wrestling is way too homoerotic, let’s change that to alligator wrestling and thumb wrestling.
There should be some sort of giant robot fights, although Japan would clearly be the winner. It would just be cool to see what kind of crazy shit they can build when they put their minds to it. And in the same veign of violent sports, in celebration if China shitting all over that hippie country witht he llama, there should be Olympic protestor ass-kicking. (that would be professional MMA fighters kicking protesters asses, not the other way around) Perhaps even cage fighting with bears, or gorillas, or midgets. In fact, take all the protestors, not just from the Olympics but in general, and have them all duke it out gladiator style in melee death matches with animals and robots and boobie traps all combined. There would be no medals, but I think everyone would win that event.
Competitive eating should be in the Olympics. I know it’s horribly gluttonous and disgusting, but I love it. In fact, there should be an Olympic comittee to have an entire series of new games designed for the seven deadly sins. Sloth would be challenging to make interesting for viewers, but lust would totally make up for it. (back to my competitive bukake idea) Wrath could be a demolition derby, I enjoy those. Maybe with monster trucks instead of normal junked cars. Greed could just be reruns of the price is right. (with Drew, not Bob, he sucked and annoyed me with his stupid microphone) Envy could just be the rest of the world player hating America like they already do. (oooooooh! Snap! Sick burn!) (not really) So we would lose Envy, but clearly win in Pride. (Too bad jack-assery or political ineptitude aren’t cardinal sins, we’re pretty good a those too)
And then at the end everyone would just build a fake city and film it being blown up along side a montage of the best looking women from around the world dancing to Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue, cause what’s cooler than TNT with T&A. Now that could be on every channel without pissing me off. USA baby! Bring on the pointless global regionalism!
PS – Go to hell Wheaties, you taste like shit.