For those about to rock (fire)


I shit you not, my job is full of completely insane people. I guess it shouldn’t really continue to surprise me after a year and a half working in the trailer industry, but still these lunatics find ways to amaze me with their own bizarre flavor of indecent behavior.

I can’t recall whether I told you all or not, but our last boss was fired under incredibly risque circumstances. He was audited by our corporate office, aka big brother, and during an eight hour day (which by the way was an amazing feat in and of itself seeing as how he only worked maybe twenty hours a week) he spent seven hours and fifteen minutes looking at porn on his computer. Well, to be fair he was only looking at porn for part of that time, the rest he spent surfing swinger sites, communicating with women he met online, and soliciting hookers on Craigslist.com. I’m assuming the other forty five minutes of the day were spent in our bathroom jacking off. Needless to say, he was fired.

The boss we had before that was a huge bitch. And I mean a literally huge bitch. And she was an angry bull dyke. And to make matters worse she was a UNC Tarheel fan, which is despicable. (Go State!) The very first time I met her she kicked me off the lot, in the middle of an interview with one of her subcontractors, because I didn’t have contractors liability insurance. She was infamous for flipping her wig over the tiniest flaw in a trailer, but expected everything to be fixed like new with a scrooge tight budget. She once tried to fire one of her employees for not picking up their feet enough when they walk. (although Joe is an annoying foot scuffling bastard, but still) She was so horrible to work with that the first question I asked when the company called me up to hire me was whether she was still working there, because I refuse to ever work for another boss like that ever again. She was fired for punching a hole through a wall in a trailer that was just finished because there was a small stain near the floor that nobody could get out.

From what I hear the boss before her was fired for embezzling from the company, and the one before that was fired for not bothering to show up ever cause they were rich and didn’t really give a fuck. So at this point we’ve had a pretty good record of corporate picking out complete douchebags to run our joint. Enter their latest Mona Lisa of management.

About eight months ago we got a new boss named Steve. Steve was fat as shit. He was arrogant and swaggered with that cock sure machismo synonymous with all those post college used-to-be-cool-jocks who still think they are cooler than your face, and your moms face, and probably never got the long series of merciless beatdowns they deserve which might have snapped them back into reality. He stunk. Literally, he smelled bad. His shit was so stanktastic that the other people in the office refused to let him crap there. So instead of using one of the other two bathrooms available in our shop, he would climb up in our stored trailers and drop a deuce or two in the toilets, leaving them there for us to deal with when we pulled them up to fix. He left corn filled landmines all over the lot behind trailers and bushes, marked for the wary passerby with spare toilet paper. He spat frequently with little or no regard to wind direction. His dog was ugly. He sucked at his job. Everything about him sucked. I thought we might have hit rock bottom with this one.

That was until the day his neighbor’s car got repossessed. For some reason he felt this was a sign from the powers that be that he should take half a day off, snag one of our salesmen, and go out shopping for guns. Now he was a Yankee, and I assume he was from a larger city. Not a country boy like most of the other guys who work there. So he had never owned a gun before in his life, nor had he shot one. His total fire arm experience was limited to what he had seen in movies, and this apparently did not bother him because he made absolutely no effort to learn anything about the legal aspects of shooting guns, or any of the finer points of gun safety.

Now we have shooting ranges around the area in which it is legal to practice shooting your shiny brand new shotguns. We have expansive stretches of woods and farmland in which one could safely and secretly test out your aim. In fact, there is a veritable plethora of options for the novice gun enthusiast. We are after all in dixie land. But rather than take advantage of any one of these convenient options, Steve decided it would be cooler to bring his guns to work. He came in on a Saturday, while a contractor was working, printed of a bunch of pictures of our district managers face, and headed to the back of our lot to climb up in a trailer we have marked for demolition.

This trailer is beyond repair, and we’ve been cannibalizing it for at least a year now. It’s worthless. But it is still the property of our company, not Steve. It is also adjacent to the next lot which has a 24/7 security guard that patrols it to guard their supplies. And it is also basically around the block from the Highway Patrol and Policeman’s training facilities, meaning that there are always a shit ton of pigs cruising around. The following pictures were taken by yours truly to show you what I couldn’t

One wall, with maybe thirty shells of birdshot stuck in it.

Fuck that wall.

Fuck that wall.

Blown out the other side of the wall.

Blown out the other side of the wall.

This would be the view from inside to out, aiming towards the property with the 24/7 guard on duty.

This would be the view from inside to out, aiming towards the property with the 24/7 guard on duty.

So long story short, my boss is gone and our branch is living in heaven, once again functioning how they should. Tell me how your boss got fired.

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6 responses to “For those about to rock (fire)

  1. I prefer my targets to be of the clay pigeon variety. Where’s the fun and/or skill in shooting a wall? Clearly, he’s a dumbass.

  2. My boss got fired for sucking at her job. It was a pretty sweet day – Talea and I had schemed and plotted for months, and oh the gloriosity!

  3. I’ve worked with and for plenty of dumbasses in my day, but I think every one of your bosses has all of my guys beat. 😐 Dang.

  4. What are you doing working there? You should be home writing your novel! Obviously you have the talent and imagination to write rings around most of the authors who publish the dreck listed on the “Best Seller” lists!

  5. to be honest I think you’re taking up more than your share of “boss firings’ down there, ’cause none of my bosses have ever been fired…and even when I’ve seen people get fired, never for cool-ass stuff like this…I mean obviously the reckless shooting was a no-no, but to me those landmines of “corny” poop were the biggest fireable offense of all…like I puked in my mouth a little as you wrote that…lol..thanks dude 😉

  6. Ashley: Well … shooting shit inside would be pretty fun, I admit. But he most certainly is a dumbass.

    Em: You’re a life ruiner! Nah, just kidding, your boss was a tool from the sound of things.

    Peter Parkour: I seem to have a knack for finding really crazy bosses. The only normal boss I’ve ever had was this black dude who worked for UPS and looked like Levar Burton.

    Trisha: I can’t formulate intricate, lengthy plot lines, and I suck at making up dialogue, but I would like to write a book before I die. So like, by thirty. Shit that’s only five and a half years.

    Romes: I think it’s just that southern people are crazy as shit. Or maybe that construction workers are crazy as shit. Or maybe that only places that hire crazy fuckers would hire me. I can’t decide.

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