Terrifica: a real life super bitch

I was recently reading an article about a bunch of real life super heroes, or rather, a bunch of jack-asses with too much spare time and a grip on reality akin to my own grip on sobriety. Mostly you find very similar guys who although clearly weirder than the average bear, honestly just want to do a little good in the world, whether that be returning dropped purses, cutting through the cops tire clamps to free the sufferers of a police state, or assisting with the alleged busting up of unspecified illegal gambling dens. Cool stuff, more power to them, rock on, and all that jazz.

Unfortunately there are bound to be a few disappointments to the crime fighting community. I thought “The Big O” was a disappointment when I found out his super power was in fact not giving women tons and tons of free orgasms, but rather just a bunch of Dudley Dooright bullshit. However, I had no idea how truly misguided a super human could be until I read about Terrifica.

Everyone who hates sex dresses like a drag queen, duh.

Everyone who hates sex dresses like a drag queen, duh.

Terrifica derives her name not from being terrific, but rather from the greek word terriblos, meaning terrible, and fica meaning fecal matter. Her super power is being a crusty bitter bitch and running around in bars like a lunatic trying her best to stop people from hooking up. That’s right, this woman has devoted her life to making sure other people have as little casual sex as possible. Can you say C.U.N.T? Look I understand that a lot of women walk around like two dollar whores in clubs shaking their vagina left and right, then get all pissy and bleedy when some guy assumes they are loose, buys them a bunch of alcohol, listens to them blather on about Twilight and how crazy the receptionist at work is, dances to a bunch of chick music for a while, drives them home, tricks them into getting naked and laying down on their back, and then like some treacherous poon robber makes some fierce sex to their baby boxes without thinking about what their fickle fleeting emotional whims might be the next morning. I really do understand ladies. But just because you’ve had a devastating break up or two does not mean that you should try to stop everyone else from making the sexuals. Get over it, SRSLY!

What Terrifica needs to do is stay home and focus on not being used again. She can just stay in her little apartment with her fifty cats and keep her sweet ass nice and safe from all those horrible men out there, and likewise, I’m sure they won’t mind too much either. But no, apparently somewhere along the line while she was crying to herself and eating ice cream, thinking about how much she hated those mean old meanies who didn’t fulfill her idiotic fantasies of how every man should be a prince charming and love only her, and she doesn’t share any responsibility for her relationships being poorly matched, somewhere in there spandex sounded like a good idea. Really? WTF mate?

The following is a quote from a NYMag.com article I read spicifically about her. “On a recent Saturday night in Park Slope, Terrifica bursts through the door of a bar called Commonwealth. She is resplendent in red spandex, scarlet boots, and red plastic overcoat. She wears no cape or mask—tonight is an “undercover” operation. She makes a beeline to a dark corner where a couple looks poised to canoodle. After speaking to them quietly, she opens her utility belt—referring to it as a fanny pack will not endear you to Terrifica—and gives them a pair of gold lamé fortune cards. When Terrifica moves on to another couple, I ask what happened. “She asked if we were going to hook up tonight,” says Lauren, a 24-year-old painter. (“We’re just good friends,” interjects her buddy Justin.) “She offered us a condom and said that if I was going to be tricked into having sex, at least it should be safe.”

Dear Terrificunt: if you ever read this, please go fuck yourself. In fact, that’s possibly the best advise I have ever given anyone. Your new super power should be fucking yourself, and you should change your name to Vibratica or Erotica or Clitica or something. And instead of being the ultimate cock block, you should spend some time giving people sex toys and sensual lotions and buying rounds for bars and slipping date rape drugs into everyones drink so everyone gets laid! Seriously, if you are that hung up on your exes, please, for the love of God, go get laid. Tell you what, me and Emerald will get you drunk and love you up something crazy, as our personal favor to the world. (I haven’t actually cleared this with Em yet, but go ahead and call me, I’m sure we can work something out) You know you want it, come and get it sugar tits, just don’t expect us to call you back, or use protection.

Id use her! Shawing!

I'd use her! Shawing!


11 responses to “Terrifica: a real life super bitch

  1. I was on the way home from my in-laws (who live in smithfield on the same road as the courthouse) and you totally walked out in front of my car (haha). I was going to honk, but I knew you would think I was just some pissy jerk and flip me off (lol) so I just sat there and waited for you to pass, wide eyed and tapping Brad’s leg over and over “that’s josh! hey! that’s josh! that’s nate’s brother, you know, josh!?!” I’m sure my husband thought that you were some celebrity the way I was all shocked and blubbering on and on, but it was funny to me.

  2. So… I have a question. Girls obsessed with Twilight: Bangable or no? And by girls I mean 27 year old women…. 🙂 And just to clarify, I’m thinking of entering the dating scene again after 7 years of being single and I am totally obsessed with Twilight and wanted a guys opinion on it and knew that you’d be bluntly honest!

  3. Steph: No kidding. I was either going to court or else I was going in or out of jail. That’s cool. Small world I guess.

    Allie: Yes, girls obsessed with Twilight are bangable, assuming they would be bangable anyway. Twilight is not a deal breaker, it’s just one of those chick things, like Oprah, Sex and the City, or the Flavor of Love that guys just don’t give a fuck about. It’s boring and dumb to us. But the fact is that women and men are completely different, and so no matter what woman you pick, she will be really into something or other that a guy doesn’t enjoy or find interesting. Works both ways I’m sure, although I have no idea why you wouldn’t find MMA, action movies, and violent pornography interesting.

    Here’s my personal beef with Twilight, since we established it’s not really a negative thing for a woman to love it. Twilight took something inherently manly and badass (shape shifting, demonic corpses who hunt the night in search of human blood) and made it totally emo and lovey dovey and gay as shit. Now it’s basically just some little pretty boy tween heart throb prancing about vomiting out dialogue about his internal emotional conflicts.

    Blade: what vampires should be. Twilight: if my eyes had anal cavities, this movie would be sodomizing them in a homosexual way.

  4. Since it was yesterday I am assuming coming out…I thought you were doing your weekends in W county though, not J county. Anyways, yeah…small world.

  5. just gotta say i really love your blog! keep the good work up!

  6. Sure, we can love her up something crazy, if by crazy you mean ass-whooping, and I do.

    Tricked into having sex? The only way that’s going to fly is if the roofies are involved (and while I’m all about handing out free lube and kama sutra books, I’m not so much on the roofies…legal matters and such.) Because beyond that it’s called ‘the power of persuasion’ and ‘hey, nobody tricked you into getting drunk off your face to the point of zero inhibition, did they?’

    Hey sweetheart, guess what? If I’m at a bar all by myself without my own damn friends to talk me out of sleeping with yonder scuzzbag, chances are I’m TRYING to bang yonder scuzzbag. Did that ever occur to you? Huh? Well, obviously not these days, I’m nicely taken care of (thanks babe), but yeah…some of us were never the type to wake up alone and blubber ourselves into the kitchen to felate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Some of us were the type to wake up, turn over and go “Oh. Um, yeah….I have a meeting. Move.”

    Ha, if we ever happen to run into her, we should so pretend like we just met and you’re totally seducing me. Then when she comes over to give me her good advice I can give her my good advice – in the face! Quit fuckin’ up my role playing, bitch! 😛

    Ok, enough rambling. I love you and stuff.

  7. Thanks Josh! My thing with Twilight, it’s a total chick thing, it appeals to the hopeless romantic in me. I’m the first to admit that the books aren’t written the best and that the movie? Not that awesome but the love story? Now that’s awesome and sweet. You want a kick ass vampire movie? Blade, Interview with the Vampire, Underworld. You want a vampire movie that makes you go awwww? Twilight. Although I’m very, WTF? with the whole sparkling like a disco ball in the sunlight. I mean really, what’s up with that and WHY??? Would have been nice if Stephenie Meyer had explained that… and a lot of other things!

  8. Em: Dude, picking up drunk chicks to have casual sex with is like, patriotic or something. I’m pretty sure it’s forbidden by Al Quaeda. Apparently this idiot hates freedom. Still though, she was pretty cute, and the crazy girls are almost always really good in bed, don’t just think about the threesome thing and get back to me on it.

    Allie: Seriously? They sparkle? That’s just not cool man, blood thirsty fiends should never EVER sparkle. It’s just not right! I know chicks like movies that make you go awwww, but for the love of god, make another Marley movie, or if you really insist on something out of the ordinary, make another one about those spoiled rich chicks from the rennaissance or whenever they were from. Yet Another Boiling Girl 2 or something along those lines. Don’t take my horror monsters and make them cute and sparkly.

  9. Yes, seriously, they sparkle. Edward runs Bella up a mountain on his back, (which made me laugh), unbuttons his shirt and steps into sunlight and the music starts all twinkly and he sparkles like a disco ball… and when Bella says, “It’s beautiful… it’s like diamonds.” Edward gets all emo and says, “This is the skin of a killer, Bella.” (Yes, I have it memorized, don’t judge!) And at that point I burst into giggles because, really?? The skin of a killer?? I don’t think so!

  10. I know I already told you this via email, but AGAIN.. this post made me wet my pants. Seriously. I mean, not a full on “board the ark” flood, but a trickle. It made me laugh so much that I had to read it out loud to the people in the room with me, which was unfortunate since I was at work, and they didn’t see the humor in it. I think they just needed to see the picture. That ties it all together.

  11. Allie: I have a lamp made from the skin of a killer, but it does not sparkle, twinkle, or any such girly frou frou.

    Sarah Lena: There’s nothing funny about this post. It’s a full on tragedy. If my face were made of masks depicting various stated of the dramatic, this would be the frowny sad one. Who hates casual sex? I mean really? It’s times like this I think people should step back and ask themselves WWJD? Who Would Jesus Do? I think you know in your heart that it’s some stranger in a bar.

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