Since the beginning of time, mankind, and by mankind I don’t mean humans, I mean MANkind, has sought out the most dangerous and awe inspiring feats of bravery, strength and borderline stupidity in an attempt to out testicle each other. While the women-folk wove baskets and tended their herb gardens, and lesser men skipped rocks and daydreamed about one day owning a penis, real men have set sail across unknown oceans, scaled the highest mountains, faced each other in mortal combat, and rode rockets into the merciless void of outer space. Since there are no real dragons, and sharks just freak me the fuck out, I have chosen the next mightiest beast on our planet for my life long quest into ultimate man-history. I hope to one day kill a bear in hand to paw/maw combat armed only with a knife.
Some have told me this is a foolish endeavor and that in their opinion, based on my physical stature, it will certainly end in death. I bitch slapped death and date raped it’s mother just for kicks. How dare you and your pathetic common sense nay-say my dreams of doing what very few men have ever done. How dare you try and domesticate me with scientific fact, or weight and strength ratios. If Buddha can kill two thousand Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey, and George Washington can escape from Alcatraz without telling a lie, then why can’t I kill a bear with a knife? Are you insulting my manhood? Because if you are, so help you God, my watermelon sized balls might just burst from my mighty loins and sprout curly little hair-legs and shove their super potent boots right up your doubting little ass. Do you really want to risk having your ass impregnated by the boots of my giant balls? I would think not. Why do you think Stephen Colbert is so scared of bears? (hint: D’s nuts)
So I decided to do a little research on the topic of bears, and bear combat, and just generally being a total badass. What sort of awesomeness has bear violence inspired with other people? Where can I find sweet moves that bears are weak against? What kind of soundtrack would go best with slaughtering bears by hand? I have found many answers my friend, seek and ye shall rock, behold the gleamings of my righteous inquest. (just throw a beer bottle at me when I get too carried away with this whole theme)
First of all, apparently there are a shit ton of other people who think this is a really good idea, and all of them are either totally kick ass, or just crazy enough to pass for bad ass. Please note exhibit A: a song titled “I Wrestled a Bear Once”, by Tastes Like Kevin Bacon. (What did you expect Kevin Bacon to taste like? Dancing? You half wit, he tastes like murder, duh) What kind of music would you expect bear fighting to sound like? If you guessed sonic pain, then you are correct. This song should, at the proper volume, (11) immediately initiate bleeding from all of your orifices, followed by spontaneous ejaculation, no matter your gender. It features many of my favorite qualities in a music video: a hot chick singing, a hot chick with glasses, a hot chick with tattoos, a hot chick that might be able to beat me up, seventies mustaches, a segue mocking the eighties, inflatable instruments, and really really fast music at a deafening decibel. (my favorite part is at seventeen seconds)
I was listening to Bob & the Showgram the other day, and heard a story about a guy in a nearby town who actually did wrestle a bear. (Exhibit B) Turns out he got mauled pretty bad, and it ripped off all his clothes except his football helmet and his shoes. But the point is some guy who lives near me already had the balls to jump in a cage with a live bear and wrestle it unarmed. The following year, at the same carnival he wrestled a Gorilla who broke his back, and then proceeded to break his back later in life by jumping out of a deer stand trying to chase down a deer he had not shot, and again attempting to lift a tractor by himself to win a dare with his brother. Although I must give him a tip of the hat, I am simultaneously quite jealous of his clear lead over my own race for manliness.
Which leads to exhibit C: the case of Sam Mazzola, the peoples hero. Sam Mazzola runs the Wildlife Adventures of Ohio, a state mostly known for the invention of the Cleveland steamer. He runs/ran a circus of sorts in which he showcased many wild animals, including wrestling bears, and would invite members of the audience to come up and wrestle them in front of a live crowd. (According to the laws of nature, this feat had to be accompanied by strippers, beer, and lasers, with the distinct possibility of zombies and/or zombie bears) Not one to stand by whilst the general populace was being mind blowingly awesome, our beloved (aka hated) government has swooped in and stripped Mr. Mazzola of his licenses, charged him with crimes, and loaded his veritable monument to badassery with hefty fines. “The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) has cited World Animal Studios numerous times for failure to have a responsible person available for inspections as well as for housing incompatible species and poor housekeeping. The USDA issued an official warning to World Animal Studios for operating without a license. World Animal Studios’ bear “wrestling” event has been canceled in several communities that considered it dangerous and inhumane.” (link here)
Seriously government? First you take away our weed, then you take away our hookers, then our rights to use explosives for fun, and now this? Why do you spit in our face? Why do you oppose everything that I stand for? Let’s get one thing straight Uncle Sam, inspections do NOT come before bear fights. So fuck off. Also, the very premise of putting a man and a bear in a cage to fight nullifies your “incompatible species” housing bull shit. Every community should consider it dangerous, but that’s why it’s so great! Can’t you see? There’s nothing inhumane about it. Was it inhumane when all the cavemen banded together and destroyed the vile dinosaur race and made up the story about the asteroid? NO! Was it inhumane when Alice shot up all those zombie dogs in Resident Evil? No, that kicked ass. The act of kicking ass is to inhumane as rock is to scossors. I say Sam Mazzola deserves a Nobel Prize for being way cooler than you or anyone you know, unless you kow me. I say this kind of behavior should not only be encouraged, but rewarded. Why is Calista Flockhart a celebrity? Kick that bitch out and make room in Hollywood for a real man. And one day, make room for me, because in the future, I will enter the Wildlife Adventures of Ohio death cage in a winner takes all bloodbath with some rabid grizzly, and emerge the most manly man who has ever walked the planet.
Imagine it something like the following video, except the bear kills everyone else in the ring, and we eat thier corpses together while mocking their widows, and then we fight for six or seven hours. And when I finally gut the beast with my knife, I swagger up on the ropes, impervious to my many lascerations, and savagely slay everyone in the stadium with my twelve foot erection in a blood rage. Afterwards of course, I take my rightful place as king of Earth.