Why is life full of people who constantly bother me? I would be very happy if everyone just left me the hell alone, forever. Bugger off, everyone, please, now.
Some homie just called me with a telemarketing scheme for some electrical company bullshit. I laid the phone directly in front of my speakers blasting Down (think heavy metal meets southern rock) and walked away to take care of my personal life, which is what normally occupies my time when I’m in my own damn home. I’m not out in public, I’m in my bedroom, reading Sarah Lena’s blog, chilling like a motherfucker. I don’t even have pants on. Random companies should not be allowed to set off blaring bells in my house to force me to get off my ass in an attempt to sell me something I don’t want or need when I don’t have pants on. Thanks for pissing on my cornflakes douchebag, I was in a good mood, but now my ass is raw. Congratulations, you just made my list of people who bothered me today. Your death will be slow and painful when my army of robot monkeys takes over the planet. Actually fuck that, I’m locking you up in a cell and every night just when you fall asleep or get comfortable I’m going to call you on a phone attached to bomb sirens from WWII just to let you know you suck.
Who else bothered me today? How funny you should ask, because I have a list of people. I’m not normally a pissy person. Honestly I’m a pretty happy individual, content to traipse through life whistling dixie and smelling flowers and what have you. But society seems hell bent on poking me with a stick just to see me bite. Here are some more people who deserve my boot up their ass.
Old people: Old people are a pain in the balls in every possible way. First off they drive shitty. They drive slower than fucking school buses and are usually blind or at least senile and lost. Get off the fucking road if you can’t see the lines and know where the gas pedal is. I drive a scooter, nobody should EVER drive slower than me. Also, you can’t do shit around them without old people freaking out and acting like you just made out with Jesus in a gay bar. Holy hell man, chill out gramps. You would think after eighty years of life experiences you would have seen a curve ball or two outside of your baptist societal norms. Just let me watch transsexual hookers fight for their cheating lover on Jerry Springer in the middle of your restaurant, and you can go back to your discussions about these new flying machines and talking boxes. Attention all old people, pants are to be worn around the waist. Which is to say, for men, the waist is located just over your ass, or where your ass would be if you weren’t old. Nipples are where shirt pockets go, not belts. Also, you can pay with exact change every time without ever again fishing for pennies if you would check your calendar and notice it’s the year of our lord two thousand and nine. We have debit cards, you’d dig them, way better than cash, and don’t even get me started on checks.
Lawyers: We get it, you can fight for our social security benefits. You can stop paying for every single commercial slot between seven in the morning and four in the afternoon. The same goes for workers compensation, children born with defects of any kind, any medical side effect of any kind for people who have ever taken any prescription drugs, and mesothelioma. In fact, I would be much more happy to pay you money if you would take all that money you use for advertising on daytime television and put it towards eliminating the Snuggie. Snuggies freak me out a little, and God save your soul if you’re the kind of idiot who actually paid good money for one of these retarded inventions.
People who treat their pets like people: Why are you so publicly dumb? (Holy shit! another fucking telemarketer just called, while I was trying to answer Em’s call! Fucker! I just picked up the phone, screamed in the receiver, and hung up) Having pets is cool. I have pets. Most everyone has at least one pet. But guess what, they are not people, they are animals. Animals are dumb and eat dead things, and pieces of shit, and lick assholes. Animals poop wherever they want. Animals live outside. Animals are not, and I repeat NOT people. People have feelings and conscious thoughts, and people can do things like not lick assholes. (unless it’s in the heat of the moment, and then it’s ok) People eat people food, animals do not. People have human children. Animals are not children. People go to funerals for other people they know. People do NOT go to memorial services for a fucking dog they have never met that belonged to the secretary for their company. That is stupid. Try to remember this, it isn’t a complicated idea. Also, I don’t want to see pictures of your pets. I don’t care about your pets. I barely even care about my own pets. Leave me alone. (see title)
Christians: I realize that nobody wants to talk to you because you believe we should give up everything fun to please your invisible friend, and so it’s kind of hard to grab peoples attention, especially when you have absolutely no proof of your beliefs or evidence of your God’s alleged power. I know it’s hard for you. But that does not mean you can stop me every time I get out of my car at Walmart. I am there to buy shit at every day low prices, guaranteed. I am not there to read a poorly made comic book about biblical super heroes. I find you annoying at best, and a borderline criminal cult at worst. The appropriate time the approach people about Jesus is when you can get your shit together enough to actually perform a miracle. Even one should do the trick. Then people will hear this good news, come to your church on Sunday, and when they enter your doors they are fair game for your propaganda. Walmart parking lots are not fair game. And while we’re at it, the same thing goes for church car washes, those assholes with the bells and santa suits at Christmas, boy/girl scouts, and people collecting money for little timmy who lost him arm to whatever or got cancer or something. I just want a toaster and some stationary, so fuck off.
Bankers: You suck. There is no gentle way to say that. Everything about your criminal empire sucks. I hate you all, and I hope you all have miserable personal lives, where the best thing you look forward too is sex with an ugly, morbidly obese person who doesn’t care about you and rarely bathes. If you could be less convienient I can’t think of a way. Normal people work from eight to five. You are open from nine to five. What the hell? The only possible time to do business with you is during lunch, when you are slam packed. What the fuck do you do the rest of the day? Plan you holiday vacations, which by the way, most of us don’t get off of work. Let’s cover the basics. During lunch: packed, takes forever, probably understaffed. Before/after work: closed. Weekends: closed. Holidays: definitely closed. Thanks for nothing, I hope you burn in hell you cock smoking wankers.