Everything sucks and I’m emo


I’m kidding of course, everything doesn’t really suck. A lot of cool shit has happened lately, but I do seem to have had a ridiculous string of bad luck in the last month. Bad things far beyond my control seems to be the general theme of my life, so I’m fairly used to it. It doesn’t really bum me out, but it can be very frustrating. For example, I haven’t punched any babies lately, but I did throw a cat into a wall because it spilled my lunch. (a technique which isn’t taught in many mainstream animal training philosophies, but which I have found to work exceedingly well)

Let’s start with my computer. It has developed the bad habit of completely crashing every two or three days, and becomes unable to restart. After about three hours of error screens and startup repairs and memory hardware checks and failed system restores, I had to factory reset the damn thing twice now. That sucks on so many levels, mainly because I lose everything I’ve installed, and I have to take the damn time to reinstall it, and when I do, I’ve permanently lost everything I had saved on my computer. For instance, I saved the IM when I first told Em I love her. Not cool. apparently my hard drive is on it’s way out of this world, and I will have to replace it soon, as in, this week hopefully. If robots really plan on taking over the world and destroying or enslaving mankind, they are gonna seriously have to get their shit together.

As I said in my last post I had an exciting trip to the hospital where I was diagnosed with gastritis, and now am on medication for that. In addition to that I caught the flu this weekend and am now very, very, very miserable. I totally forgot how much I hate having the flu. I would rather have serious surgery than have the flu. I would rather break a finger than have the flu. If sucking dicks cured the flu, I would be seriously considering it, because flu’s are at least as bad as having a mouthful of wiener. So now I’m on four different kinds of medicine, and I still feel like ass. Hoorah.

My poor sister in law felt really bad about it, but I was teaching her to drive my scooter and she crashed us into a mailbox in a particularly difficult turn and kind of broke the whole thing. And by the whole thing I mean the handlebar, which I have now replaced and thanks to a nice donation by my brother I have made that death trap even more badass than it originally was, which is to say, slightly badass.

I “found” some rusty barbed wire just hanging around at work, and mounted a deer skull on the front of my scooter. If I ever crash the damn thing I’m going to impale myself on the horns and shred my stomach or arms on the barbed wire, but on the other hand it looks really fuckin badass, so I will take my chances.

I’m almost done with my weekend jail time in Johnston county, which is great, and my probation officer told me I get a whole month off before I have to start my weekend time in Wake county, so rock on! I get a whole four weekends to live like a normal person, and I can’t flippin wait! For those of you who have never served time, jail blows, so don’t go there. I also found out that I am completely done with my probation in October, not a year from October, so Em and I have changed plans and now I figure I’ll move there this winter instead of her moving here this summer.

I don’t know how I missed posting this when it happened, but a few months ago, it actually snowed here, for realz. I live in the deep south, so any kind of real snow is cause for celebration. Some people make snow angels. (which I did, but I made snow devils) And some people have good old fashioned snowball fights. (which I also did, with my boss) But being the badass I am, the kind of a man who would mount a deer skull on his scooter, I decided to make a snowman. I also made a snow lion, and had him devouring the snowman’s bloody dismembered corpse. And I built all this on Nate and Sami’s front lawn while they were at work.

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7 responses to “Everything sucks and I’m emo

  1. Awww baby, I love you tons even when you’re sick and slightly slobbery. Also, you are the ultimate in manliness and badassery. Your bloody lion scene rocks, as does your sweet behorned ride. Please don’t skewer yourself, although skewering small novelty items to display various political statements and/or humorous sentiment could be totally rad.

    *Inappropriate Fondling*

  2. That snow scene is completely Calvin and Hobbes…which means it’s excellent.

  3. Your snowlion is classic – love it.

  4. I love the snow lion but I am kind of shocked that you didn’t do something more….well, phallic in nature! But then it was on someone’s FRONT lawn so you were being rather NICE!

    And THIS is probably the best line I have ever read in a blog:

    “If sucking dicks cured the flu, I would be seriously considering it, because flu’s are at least as bad as having a mouthful of wiener.”

    What can I say? Southern men are good at SO many things!

  5. Cool lawn decor you have there, mind if I steal the idea? Might be different, because over this side of the world, we use dead cows, kangaroos and emus.

  6. A snow-lion feasting on Frosty–that’s funny as hell!

  7. Ah, now that I recall the beastly scooter I take back my non-manly comments 🙂

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