Much Adieu About Nothing


I feel drained. Not in that fun masturbatory way either. I feel as if somehow I’m stuck in some boring rut and have lost all ability to be creative or offer any kind of insight into the world. For weeks I’ve been thinking about a blog post, and for weeks, I’ve come up with jack shit. What’s new in my life? Nothing, and nobody really enjoys update posts about people they don’t know anyway. What’s new with work? Not shit, we’re simultaneously slow and fast, and I still hate that cocksucker from New Jersey. Nothing to write about. The summer is here, but so what, that’s boring. Pollen season came and went, but writing about tree sperm is boring.

Blah

And on and on it goes, repeating in my head like some sick whirlpool of boredom. I feel like the narrator from Fight Club, or possibly Wanted. I have felt this way in almost every aspect of my life, not just this blog either. Do I want to make a chicken and egg bagel, toasted with garlic, cheddar, and bacon bits? Fuck it, I’ll just pour some cereal. In fact, fuck that, I’ll just skip a meal, I can always eat a mug of coffee tomorrow morning. Would I like to kill zombies on Wii? Nah, I’ll just sit it out and pet the dog. Should I go wild with some bondage and crazy machines, or keep it clean with some good old fashioned girl on girl fisting? Screw porn, I’ll just go to bed.

Can you see my predicament here? My dick never gets bored. NEVER! When I start feeling so complacent about every day life that my reproductive system gets bored, I could be in serious trouble. What next? My circulatory system? Could my asshole get tired and just stop taking craps one day? If I don’t do something quick I could wake up dead tomorrow, some mindless corpse wandering the planet, boring the living shit out of people like Ben Stein, or Frasier.

I’ve been in desperate need of some motivation defribulation. I need a fat rail of (metaphorical) coke to get my interest in life and my creativity back in the game drinking booze and sniffing while it plays spades. (or whatever you people do when you snort coke)

I tried watching movies to get me excited again. Trailer Park of Terror was basically awesome, as long as you like hookers, demolition derbies, electric guitar, and zombie gore, but there weren’t enough titties. Poor White Trash was funny as hell, and nailed the whole white trash atmosphere, but the characters were such terrible criminals that I was worried they would go to prison the entire movie long, and my vicarious paranoia for their safety from the pigs half way ruined the experience. Zombie Strippers was amazing, and had more tits than any non-pornographic movie I’ve ever seen, but I never really dug Jenna Jameson cause porn stars wear their make up in an annoying barbie-like fashion. (I like lots of make up, but not porn star make up) Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter was looking to be craptastic in the best kind of way, but the damn movie link crapped out on me fifteen minutes in. I haven’t been able to find One Eyed Monster, a comedy/horror flick about Ron Jeremy being struck by an alien comet, getting killed, and having his possessed cock jump off his body and run around killing everyone else in town. And believe it or not, despite having amazing titles, both Cheerleader Ninjas and Inbred Redneck Alien Abductions were terrible movies. How can you mess up a combination of cheerleaders and ninjas? That would almost take effort, the movie practically writes itself.

FUCK!

But then it happened. I was sitting at my computer, reading about other peoples crappy lives on Fmylife.com, and I happened to stumble across one of my old school web favorites.

DOCTOR McNINJA

DOCTOR McNINJA

There was a ton of new material for me to read, one page at a time, and I eagerly sucked it up, like he was spit and I was one of those weird tiny shop-vacs they stick in your mouth at the dentist. (side note: am I the only person who constantly plays with those things, opening and closing your mouth so it makes that weird sound like clearing a bong, and pulls your cheeks in?) I had forgotten how much I loved Dr. McNinja.

The story line basically goes that Dr. McNinja is an Irish-American ninja who lives in Maryland. His father is a ninja who’s only discerning feature is his mustache which through ninja tricks is able to grow directly through his mask. His brother is a wigger ninja, and his mother is the typical overbearing ninja matron, who tries to kill him every time he comes home to keep him on his feet. His sidekick, Gordito, is a young Mexican boy who grew a gigantic mustache when a social worker tried to take his fathers guns, after he died in a tragic trapeze accident where he was torn to pieces by a pack of coyotes, pumas, and wolves that were shot out of a canon. Gordito rides a raptor named Yoshi around shooting people, and watching Dr. McNinjas back. The Doc’s family is none too pleased that he somewhat deserted his ninja upbringing to become a doctor and save lives when he could be killing people full time, but never the less, he has a thriving practice assisted by his gorilla receptionist and butler.

After a few run in’s with Ronald McDonald’s evil franchise, and a cartel of drug dealers that were selling ninja drugs that gave everyday people ninja powers, and an ongoing war with the pirate race, the story arc pretty much settles into a kinder gentler McNinja love story. His love of killing everything. Benjamin Franklin’s clone gets tricked by Dracula into taking an eternal life serum, which backfires and accidentally awakens a plague of ninja zombies. (Ben Franklin II was buried in the same section of the cemetery as all the ninjas that the Doc had slain) So he has to track Count Dracula to his moon base, where he’s tricked into fighting Dracula’s robot double, in an effort to kill McNinja so he can sneak his way out of hell and teach Dracula about the secrets of the afterlife. But the Doc is sneakier than the Count, and after training for a few moments with Bruce Lee, he jumps from the moon back to Maryland, surfing robot Dracula, after his wigger ninja brother helps him reprogram the feet rockets installed in all robot doubles.

As the story line ends (at least for now) Dr. McNinja is back on earth working with to reverse Draculas spell which turned Ben Franklin II into one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and Gordito, whom the Doc has left to train with his family, had just helped them defeat a ghost wizard who shot flying sharks out of his wand.

I’m not sure my mind is capable of absorbing any more awesome than has already been presented at the mind-fuck buffet that is the Dr. McNinja webcomic, but I sure plan on staying tuned to see if it’s possible for anything to get any cooler than this already is.

Long story short, if you feel a little depressed and bored with life, you can slit your wrists, get baked on prescription meds, or read a webcomic about a ninja who rides rocket powered vampires from outer space to save Benjamin Franklin’s clone. Your choice.

I wanted this for my next tattoo for a long time until I found out it was from Dr. McNinja. Now I need it.

I wanted this for my next tattoo for a long time until I found out it was from Dr. McNinja. Now I need it.

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3 responses to “Much Adieu About Nothing

  1. No wonder you feel drained. That post was so wired with creative energy that even I feel drained having read it!! Wow!

    You take metaphors to a new high and I mean that in the most sincere and positive way!”like he was spit and I was one of those weird tiny shop-vacs they stick in your mouth at the dentist” Love it! And yes! I, too play with the sucky thing. I can almost make it whistle but every time I am near to achieving the perfect screech the damned dental assistant takes it away from me with SUCH a look!! Bitch.

    I am definitely copying those movie titles down for future reference. Next rainy day I know what D’Bear and I will be watching! Thanks for the tips!!

    If this is you being “uninspired” then baby, I don’t stand a chance in hell of writing stuff this good.

  2. Trisha: Thanks shug, you’re sweet. Sometimes, like with this post, I work best just sitting my ass down with no plan and flying by the seat of my pants. That’s why I think I would do well in radio. I’m better at communicating through train of thought than with scripted or edited or planned material.

    And I’m glad I’m not the only one who plays with those dentist vacuums. I can’t help myself, they’re cool, and dental offices are super boring.

    I totally forgot when I first responded. That metaphor about the dental vacuum was actually a replacement for what I thought was a much funnier metaphor, but turned out to be really bizarre, unfunny, and took forever to explain. I was going to say I sucked up the McNinja comic like I was the Tick and he was my tissue sample clone. See when I was a kid there was a cartoon about this superhero called the Tick, and in an episode called “something something the Uncommon Cold” his neighbor turns out to be a slime monster from another dimension. And after many hijinks, the monster ends up obtaining a “tissue sample” from the tick, using a clone of his sidekick to infiltrate his apartment. But the Tick has a cold, and the clone is basically a total idiot, and gets an actual tissue instead of blood or whatever. And in the finale the real Tick is being suffocated by his clone, which consists entirely of mucus, and has to suck him up like a giant loogie and spit him at the monster to send him into this portal. It sticks out in my mind because even as a child loogies really grossed me out, so I guess it left some kind of emotional scarring that stuck with me until the age of 25 when it exorcised itself in the form of a metaphor on a blog about ninja comics. And so after several hours of reading this comment, you can see why I had to switch it out and replace it with something that wasn’t quite so obscure and dorky.

  3. This is one of the funniest blogs I’ve ever encountered!

    I’m the same way–I can’t just sit down, and write a new post–I have to be inspired or prompted!

    And obviously you are inspired, in writing this post!

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