Category Archives: holiday

At Last

So it’s been a full year since My woman and I have been able to see each other, and just when I’m starting to worry the internet has run out of porn, she flies down for a ten day vacation. Besides the sheer fact that I finally get to knock boots again, which was kind of blowing my mind, but on top of that I haven’t had ten whole consecutive days of not-working for many many years. It was really nice, to say the least. By the end of the first weekend I was all rested up and ready to go back to work, and I figured by the end of another week I would be going stark raving mad from boredom. As it turns out though, by the end of my vacation I was ready for another vacation to rest up from the first vacation, and cursing every minute of work all day Monday. Apparently I get spoiled easy. I hope I can retire one day because laying around all the time doing whatever you feel like is fucking awesome. It was like if a damn Jimmy Buffet song mated with a Bob Marley song.

I deserved a break though, because I had been working fourteen hour days for the last few weeks, coming home from my daytime manual labor duties and spending the evening working on my brother’s house until ten or eleven every night. I want a new place to live so I decided to build one with him. We’re closing in his carport and making it into a big ass bedroom and a new laundry room. And let me tell you, nobody loves playing around with power tools more than me, but even I get burned out when I work too much. (more on the project in the next post)

So we rented a hotel for the first few nights, so we could have plenty of privacy for the explicit section of our time together, and let me tell you, I friggin love Hotels. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if I was off probation and could toke up on some of the dank ass ganja we had, and if they had smoking rooms, because trooping my lazy ass downstairs and outside every time I wanted a stoagie was kind of lame. I had to put on pants and everything. We also discovered that boobs do float in water, as long as they are natural.

Why is it that people on vacation always eat the most unhealthy shit ever?

Why is it that people on vacation always eat the most unhealthy shit ever?

I gave Emerald some of the good old southern treatment, making sure some of our activities exposed her to life in the dirty south. I took her grocery shopping at the Super Walmart, the Mecca of white trash. I absolutely love Walmart, it’s like heaven but with more fat people, but she’s not such a big fan. In fact she hates Walmart. But with me as her sherpa she didn’t hate it so much, and even had a little bit of fun. I guess America really does have more fat people than other countries, cause she was a little shocked by this whale of a woman we saw with her two Fatty McFatfat offspring in IHOP. I told her southern people are fat cause we have so much good food it’s damn near impossible to stay in shape. Besides, I love a little extra cushion for the pushin’. That and we have a lot of buffets. I guess buffets are another American thing, cause she told me they don’t have that many in Toronto. WTF?!! That’s one of the coolest things a restaurant can do. It’s cool as hell to be able to eat all you can, and it’s common practice that if you pay for all you can eat, you have to eat as much as you possibly can until you feel like shitting and ralphing at the same time, and you waddle out of the store like some engorged mongoloid.

I didnt know they even served rolls at IHOP.

I didn't know they even served rolls at IHOP.

So in general we had a real blast. I took her out for an official date night, with dinner and a movie. We went to a Japanese steak house, you know the kind with the crazy knife wielding chefs and the fireballs. It was pretty cool, except for the huge black family the got seated next to us and were on their phones the entire time, except when they were interrupting our conversations with a bunch of stupid ass bull shit. If you insist on being a pain in the ass, at least do it on your side of the table. It was kind of funny too cause I’m pretty sure our chef was Mexican, which I found amusing. We also saw the Hangover which is fall down hilarious. My only gripe about the whole movie was that Heather Graham played a hooker and didn’t show her tits, which is complete bullshit, you all know how I feel about boobies. Still though, go watch it, it is worth every penny, unless you are some kind of douchebag who thinks grown men who make infants pantomime masturbation isn’t funny.

Seriously, I fricking love bosoms.

Seriously, I fricking love bosoms.

Fire inside is cool.

Fire inside is cool. Almost cool enough for me to skip the little black Sambo joke this picture makes me think of every time I see it. (Ooooh lawd! Eeessa fiyah suh!)

The other big event we had that week was Going on my favorite morning radio talk show, Bob and the Showgram. Every Friday they have the free-for-all, which is where they have the studio audience in to tell stories and play games and such. I’ve wanted to go on the Showgram for years, and I may not have another chance before I move to Toronto, so this was a real treat for me. We got there super early in the morning, and waited for the interns to come down and take us up to the studio. Then Sweetness, the gay intern came out and helped us through the whole waiver process, making sure none of us can sue the station if we end up losing our jobs or families over anything we say on air. Sweetness by the way, was fun as hell in real life. And they fed us all free Bojangles, which for those of you who aren’t from dixieland is a fried chicken and biscuit place with fucking delicious food. And of course Em is a vegetarian, and there was another gay dude there who was also a vegetarian, so I ended up with a triple meat biscuit, with ham, fried chicken, and sausage all slammed together in a triple meat spectacle. They should have that on the menu, cause it was awesome. Sweetness was even getting a little excited with all that meat pressed together, and wanted a triple meat sandwich of his own, but like a true gentleman I stayed faithful to Emerald.

They took us back to the studio after a little while, and I was of course the very first one in the door, so I got seated right next to the big man himself, Bob Dumas. I never ended up on the air to tell any stories, which kind of bummed me out, but I was so high on everything else that I didn’t really care. It was weird though, because all these other people had stories that sounded like they would be interesting as hell, but they kept being soooooo boring. How do you make a story about being knocked into a coma because lightning hit you on a jet ski uninteresting? How do you take a story about banging a chick in a porta-john at a Nascar race boring? It was like these people were trying to suck extra! And I’m there next to Bob practically jumping out of my seat like, “Pick me! Pick me! I have a story about skinny dipping with a bunch of Mexicans and some fat chicks we met at a gas station!” I did however get to shock Weird Creep John with a cattle prod in the armpit. He was an annoying little pussy in real life though.

I met Sinbad. That was pretty cool, cause I’ve never met a celebrity before except for at signings after shows. It was cool, I shook his hand and we talked about how cool iPhones are. He’s a pretty big dude in person. Em however did make it on the Showgram, they pulled her up to play a game called horseshoes and hand grenades, which is basically just a bunch of random ass trivia questions with cool prizes. She CREAMED Mike, with a landslide victory. I was worried for her because Mike is usually pretty good, but the score ended up five to two, and one of his two was only because they both guessed the same number. I’ll try and ge the audio from the show and edit it together in a sound clip you can listen to, but not right now, cause I’m ass tired from working all weekend.

Bob Dumas on the left, Mike Morris in the middle, and my sexy, sexy woman, Emerald, on the right.

Bob Dumas on the left, Mike Morris in the middle, and my sexy, sexy woman, Emerald, on the right.

All in all it was a really great vacation, and I can’t wait to see her again. I’ll leave you with a few more pictures. For now I’m going the hell to sleep, cause I have to keep myself alive long enough to move up there so I can live like this every week.

Em making breakfast, french toast and coconut battered fried plantains.

Em making breakfast, french toast and coconut battered fried plantains, with a side of white trash bra showing.

Photobombed by my brother Nate. It would have been a really cute picture asshole. Go die in a fire.

Photobombed by my brother Nate. It would have been a really cute picture asshole. Go die in a fire.

Putting the ass back in classy.

Putting the ass back in classy.

Her words say no but her eyes say hell yes. Sloppy wet time sugar!

Her words say no but her eyes say hell yes. Sloppy wet time sugar!

Just so you all know, there are pictures of her filling out a very sexy rebel flag bikini, but she wont let me put them up, so you get this crap instead.

Just so you all know, there are pictures of her filling out a very sexy rebel flag bikini, but she won't let me put them up, so you get this crap instead.

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2008: Peace Out Past, Hello … Present

It’s the end of 2008, a year full of tons and tons of me being awesome despite life being the complete opposite of me. I’m getting ready to boot this last year out the door and shack up with it’s younger and more mysterious, and less worn out sister, 2009. I’m thinking good things are coming, or possibly just more bull shit, who the hell knows. I should probably ask a psychic or a magic 8 ball or something, but honestly I don’t really care that much. Could this be the year I kill a bear with a knife? Maybe, but only one thing is for sure, it’s time to summarize an entire years experiences with a meme questionnaire from Sundry the Magnificent. (I don’t know if that’s her official title, but it should be, because it fits her in my opinion, which is the only opinion that matters here on Sprinting To Hell)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Tons, mostly boring crap to be honest, but a few notable exceptions. I started my relationship with Em, which is by far the longest and most stable and happy relationship evah, for me anyway. I spent more time in court than any other year of my life. I have now kept my current job longer than any job I’ve ever had. I think I saw two girls one cup this year, which is always an interesting first time experience, although not nearly as horrifying as one guy one cup was. (seriously, don’t watch it, ever, I won’t even link to it. The horrors will haunt your dreams for the rest of your life) I got a tick on my balls for the first, and hopefully last time. and I met myself from the future, and crippled-future-me warned me not to try to kill a bear with a knife. But honestly, who takes life advise from cripples anyway, he seemed like a friggin pussy to me.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No, there was none, and no. New Years resolutions are for jack asses who can’t decide to do something and actually do it. If I want something in my life changed I will just change it, and if not, I will sit on my happy complacent ass and never worry about BS resolutions.

4. Did anyone close to you die? My great granddad, Nathan Brinson died, but we were not especially close because we lived so far apart. Plus he was super old, and had wicked Alzheimer’s so it was time for him to go. I think my Great Grandma died too, but they were both on and off hospice so often that I kind of lost track. I know that sounds bad, and uh, well nothing I just know that sounds bad. Deal with it. Next question.

5. What countries did you visit? I visited the United States. For the entire year. Also I live here anyway. So nowhere.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Super powers. The ability to change shape would be cool, or power over gravity. Manipulation of the time space continuum would rock too, like Hiro Nakamura from Heroes, but I’d rather be able to change shape. Money would be cool too, and for old what’s her face to live with me. (kidding, I love you puddin)

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 3-11 is our anniversary, and also one of my favorite bands, which is very convenient, cause I really suck at remembering dates.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting my drinking under control. That was some rough shit, and I’ve had to make some drastic changes in my life. I still drink sometimes, but now it’s not whilst driving too fast from one party to another.

9. What was your biggest failure? Getting locked up kind of sucks. I have to serve weekends until April, and I’m not feeling especially thrilled about it, but all in all it’s not the end of the world. Jail isn’t as bad as some people make it out to be. There are only fights sometimes, and if you mind your own business, almost never. I’m going to be happy when it’s all over with though.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I laid my scooter down during a turn I took too quick and shaved off some of my arm skin/meat, but nothing too bad.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Me and another guy got a PS2 for our break room at work, and let me tell you, that was the best investment ever. EVER.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine. I would like to point out that I whole heatedly refrained from stabbing the faces of the people around me during that spectacle of misinformation and propaganda they called the election. I haven’t punched a single Hardee’s employee even though they came out with the self contradictory little thickburger which I refuse to eat based on moral principal. And I haven’t roshambo’d the Christian geek fucker at work despite his dire attempts to drive me absolutely fucking insane with his repeated and unabashed idiocy. (case in point: yesterday he called the secretary in the office stating the he was almost out of gas but there weren’t any stations around that match our company gas discount deal, and even though his card works at all gas stations, what should he do? Answer: stop and get gas somewhere else, seriously, and then never, ever reproduce again asshole)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The government. I really really hate our government, and I don’t have time to get into all that crap, that’s for a later post I’m working on. But really, if you aren’t pissed as hell at BOTH parties and pretty much every single scumbag in Washington, then you are either morally bankrupt or you haven’t been paying any attention to anything ever that’s ever happened ever. I am pissed as hell and I feel cheated and used and lied to and robbed of my rights.

14. Where did most of your money go? To the North Carolina “justice” system, fucking highway-robber ass-hat’s.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I had a solid week of frequent, vigorous, and amazing sex in June that was a long time coming, no ejaculation pun intended. (not really, of course I wouldn’t miss the chance to work jism into a post)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Uh … none probably. Maybe some. I have a really bad sense of when things happen in my head, so I tend to remember general eras of my life, but usually never what year things happened in. I got into country music a lot this year, so if anything, that would be the general musical feel of 2008.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? The same I think.
c) richer or poorer? About the same, aka, peasant poor.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Fighting. I went the whole year without a single good old fashioned rough and tumble face thumping. Not a single outlet for violence the whole year. I’m thinking about buying a punching bag though, so I can go kick the shit out of something without bleeding from my face or going to jail, again.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Sleeping I guess, I need more time in the day, that’s for sure. Everything else was pretty cool. Except jail maybe. It makes good stories though.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Drinking with my brothers and sister and law while playing Gears of War, possibly the coolest game ever. Seriously, it kicked my ass with awesomeness, and I’m pretty much made of kick-ass-ocity, so that was an incredible feat.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Kind of, mostly, it started in ’07, but mostly came to fruition is ’08.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Everyone’s favorite program, Heroes. It changes lives for the better. Save the cheerleader man, save the friggin world.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I’m going to go ahead and say McCain and Obama made my shit list, and I didn’t know crap about them before. Also noteworthy, Obama’s bitch ass wife. I can’t stand her face. It’s like if Condoleza Rice had a baby with Alien, and raised it in bitchville with a solid diet of grilled snobbery in twit sauce.

24. What was the best book you read? I don’t think I read any good books. I did however find Dr. McNinja, a web comic so cool you may want to felate your computer screen. In fact, I randomly found a picture from Dr. McNinja that I liked so much I’m planning on making it my next tattoo, and only recently realized it was from there. Very cool, go forth and be amazed.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Hank Williams Jr. may be the best thing to happen to my musical taste since Lynyrd Skynyrd. Also, the Zac brown band is really really good.

26. What did you want and get? Tattoos, two green stars on my chest that represent Emerald. I got some nice work boots from WalMart, like twenty bucks man, and comfy as hell. They lasted me all year. Uh … nothing else that I can think of.

27. What did you want and not get? A new camcorder, which I plan on getting, a deep fryer which I got but was broken and lame as hell, and an Xbox 360, which I have neither the money or time for.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Batman: The Dark Knight, hands down.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Honestly I can’t remember. I think I went to the bar with my friends maybe. I don’t make a big thing over birthdays.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having Em here with me. But just cause I like the sexuals, not cause I’m a total romantic puss-bag over her.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? I found that buying a whole lot of the same thing makes dressing easier. I found some really comfy shorts at Target, so I bought about six pairs, mostly in camo, and now I have plenty of cool looking shorts that fit well and I didn’t have to go shopping but one time. (I hate shopping because I’m not gay)

32. What kept you sane? The internet, without the endless surfing I would go absolutely nuts. I can’t imagine what I would do without the endless information and rescources, or the instant gratification, or the global interaction. Or my latest addiction, Combat Arms. My brother Nate showed me this game recently, and I can not stop playing it. It’s free too man, so if you happen to like gaming at all, or blowing the shit out of people, go download it and get into that shit right now. Seriously, stop reading this frivolous swill and get your ass in gear.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? If by fancy you mean want to “have freaky Alaskan sex with”, then my answer would be Sarah Palin. She was pretty much the one and only redeeming factor in the whole election process. Also, Tina Fey, because I’ve always had a thing for her, and she played Palin in a ton of the SNL skits. In fantasy land, I date both of them at the same time, and they have hilarious, late night, live loving sessions with me dressed up like fancy business women. (plus I dig chicks with glasses, always have)

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The government of our country decidedly slipping from the republic it was meant to be, into the oligarchy it now is, that routinely rapes the ideals of freedom and liberty that our country was founded on, and robs us of our constitutional rights on a daily basis.

35. Who did you miss? Magnum P.I. That show used to be on every day, and now I can’t get it any more, cause I don’t have cable. Why did you leave me Thomas Magnum? You took your rediculous high short shorts and your overly sexual name and left nothing but a gaping hole in my soul. Please come back.

36. Who was the best new person you met? I don’t think I have met anyone in the last year that I especially like. Sorry everyone I met this year, but you don’t stick out in my mind enough to mention. Your new years resolution should be to be less boring.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. I tried my best not to learn anything this year. Lesson wise at least, I did pack in a ton of random information from hither and thither across the world wide information tubes, but not really any life lessons per se. The best thing I can think of would be, don’t get too drunk in a bar where you don’t know anyone, and especially if that bar is a honkytonk.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “Welcome to the jungle it gets worse here everyday. You learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play. If you got a hunger for what you see, you’ll take it eventually. You can have anything you want, but you better not take it from me. In the jungle, welcome to the jungle, watch it bring you to your knees.” On second thought this doesn’t really have that much application to real life without being totally pretentious, but it does rock hard enough to melt faces, so shut your face. Or feel my serpentine rather, bitches.

They Live (mostly just me actually)

Yeah wow, so I really am still alive, and I do remember the password to get on my account. Not that I have teeming throngs of people waiting with baited breath for my next post or anything, but I really do enjoy having a bit of a creative outlet here, and honestly my life has just been too damn crazy lately to clear my schedule for blog posting. For instance, I got sentenced to jail. From now till April will be spending my weekends in the Johnston county jail. Hoorah, I can’t fucking wait. Cause nothing says rest and relaxation from work like spending all your time in ball stench filled room with fifty ignorant, racist black men who watch nothing but BET while you slowly starve to death. But hell, I could deal with the black supremacist homeys, the shitty child sized portions, and the extreme boredom, if only they would give me a fuckin pillow. I think that’s the worst part.

I’m kidding of course, the worst part is clearly the homeys. So anyway my sometimes clear weekends when I got most of my blogging done are now all full, so I guess I better stick to short, sweet posts for the time being. I have this really huge involved post I am working on about how our government has failed us in every way, and it involves actually researching stuff and might be several posts long, but I’m too tired to work on that right now, and every time I do I get really riled up and end up not sleeping well cause I’m too pissed about how much our leaders and system suck. So how about an update? Of course you care, who doesn’t love life stories?

First, a story that the judge who sentenced me actually shared with the court while they were finishing up everything. (I heard this all because the entire court was about the size of two bedrooms, and I was the only person in it) This is his year off from visiting with his family for thanksgiving, but every other year they get twenty seven people and all pile into one beach house on the outer banks for the weekend. Well of course all the normal family drama ensues. One year his chauvinist nephew was four wheeling on the beach and got his trucks tires stuck in the sand. Well, his oldest daughter, who’s a bit of a know it all, told him to let some of the air out and just drive his truck out. He insisted that would damage his truck so he called some towers to get him out. After paying them two hundred dollars they let the air out of his tires and drove it out of the ruts. Today’s moral is actually not to listen to women about truck problems, but rather how to get your truck out of the sand for cheap.

So anyway, my own Thanksgiving was not so family oriented. Actually I just spent a few hours with my extended family for a lunch and then left, although I did have one noteworthy moment. One of my youngest cousins (I don’t know how old he would be, I guess about three feet old) walked up to me while I was taking a smoke break and just kind of stopped and stared at me from about one and a half feet from where I was sitting. (my cousins are kind of creepy, imagine children of the corn mixed with the Flanders) After asking him what it was that he wanted, he kindly informed me that his older sister was supposed to be a twin but “the other one” died. I’m not really sure why that was important, but I actually found learning the news from a child much less painful than all the hemming and hawing and bullshit I would have had to endure had one of the “adults” told me. I thanked him and he happily went on his way to eat some pie. Good to know my family is still white trash, happy holidays to you too kid.

Speaking of white trash, how about some pictures from the last month or three!

Me and my buddy put this up on his kids wall over the Thanksgiving holiday. It was the centerpiece of a total UNC tarheel makeover for the room. Frankly, we are awesome.

Me and my buddy put this up on his kids wall over the Thanksgiving holiday. It was the centerpiece of a total UNC tarheel makeover for the room. Frankly, we are awesome.

Sami finally found the scat at Bensons mule days.

Sami finally found the scat at Benson's mule days.

So what happened was, we were drinking, and I had just bought Em a rebel flag bikini at mule days, and we were drinking, and somehow this seemed like a good idea. (ps - drinking)

So what happened was, we were drinking, and I had just bought Em a rebel flag bikini at mule days, and we were drinking, and somehow this seemed like a good idea. (ps - drinking)

Look out for Sami, she will cut you.Look out for Sami, she will cut you.
We have kitties at work now!

We have kitties at work now!

Actually this might need more than just a caption. See we had a family of feral cats living under a freight box at work, and our tree hugger secretary offered to pay us twenty bucks if we caught the kittens. And after her husband told her she wasn’t allowed to bring any more animals home, they somehow because shop kitties. The one walking right up to the camera, presumably to find it’s breathing holes and clog them with hair while it tries to eat, is named Joe. We named him after an idiot who works with us, who always begs for food, because this cat was dumb enough to get caught twice in one day for a free meal. And since Joe is an uber-christian, I named the other one Mr. Crowley, because I thought it would be funny for Joe to live with a famous occultist. In real life, Joe did not find this very amusing, but we assume this is just because one of the side effects of his terminal religion is a complete lack of humor about one’s self.

This is my dad grinding up some venison he brought back from a hunting trip. Notice he saved the hearts to cook separate.

This is my dad grinding up some venison he brought back from a hunting trip. Notice he saved the hearts to cook separate.

So I know Im from the south and I should probably know this for sure, but I believe this is a sheeps vagina.

So I know I'm from the south and I should probably know this for sure, but I believe this is a sheep's vagina.

And on that note I will save the rest of my 2008 State Fair pics and Halloween pics for a later post so I can just throw some crap together without any actual writing skills (skills in this case really just means effort)  involved. Christmas is like, tomorrow and shit, so if I don’t have time to get back here for a while, have fun getting drunk on eggnog and buying shit for Santa to give to Jesus or whatever you believe in. Unless of course you practice kwanzaa, in which case, go to hell you fucking poser.

The New World Order Games

So you know that one topic every blogger everywhere has complained about at least once? I know you do, the dreaded “too busy to blog for a while” syndrome. I gots it. Or I has’d it, whatever, I’m not an English major OK? I’ve had a wicked case of real life distractions keeping me busy. And not even cool ones like partying a lot over the Labor day weekend (sike) but more like really ass-chappy ones such as working overitime way too much and keeping up with one’s own personal responsibilities like laundry, cleaning, studies, and porn. Although the porn wasn’t really ass-chappy for me so much as all those lovely ladies in the adult entertainment industry.

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I'll take some of that vice now Mrs. Palin

Sadly enough, even having been retardedly busy, and not being able to be the total web addict, stat-whore, ass-sitter-onner I’ve dreamt of being since those days of yore when I was supposed to be paying attention in Sunday school, I’ve still had time to get really annoyed with everything going on in the world. I’m not even talking about politics people. (Although I will say that milf from Alaska who looks like Tina Fey needs to seriously think of running for Vice President of my balls, cause even if she’s spitting out retards she’s still hot as hell, and if this wasn’t already a run on sentence wildly out of control I’d fit in some oval office joke, but you get my drift) The thing that’s been giving me nervous ticks every time I turn on the television is the friggin Olympics.

With their retarded costumes, five dumb circles printed on everything, and idiotic location. Grrrrrrrrrrr! I hate the Olympics. OK, hate is a strong word. I find the Olympics boring as hell and irrelevant, and wish they would stop taking over every channel on television and the entire internet once every two years. I mean they are over and they’re still all over everything. Could they not find a shittier place to hold them than Beijing? Was Chernobyl taken? What about Skull island? On second thought, that would kind of rock, but that’s not the point. China sucks, there, I said it. Nobody moves to China, cause it’s a shitty place to live. It’s smoggy, and evil empirey, and chock full of SARS, and bird flu, and three foot women shouting the shrillest language on earth at the top of their lungs as if completely incapable of comprehending inside voices with their eastern logic. That’s why there are Chinese food restaurants on every block in the Western world, because anyone with any skill whatsoever gets out as soon as they can.

Any skill that is besides training their twelve year old daughters to flip around like fruity ninjas with hula hoops and jump ropes. (and making our toys of course) Good lord, I had to watch about thirty minutes of one of those gymnastics events where they randomly bust moves around this big ass padded square holding random objects. I mean throwing a hula hoop up to the ceiling and catching it is cool, but I did that in friggin middle school, albiet poorly, and I just don’t consider it a real sport. I’m sorry. It’s not. Not even if you’re wearing a flamboyant onesie with feathers and scale-looking-sequin patterns.

This is a circus act, not a sport.

This is a circus act, not a sport.

Many of the events weren’t actually sports in my opinion. Anything with a judge for instance. Jumping real far or high, that’s a sport. Running or swimming real fast is a sport. I would say fighting is a sport, but I don’t like judges to be involved in who wins. Hurling things real far, meh, alright I’ll give it to you. lifting heavy things, sure. But not twirling ribbons or swinging around on bars. That’s bull shit. Diving is total crap. Water polo is a sport, but it’s so dumb that nobody cares. Simply being difficult doesn’t make something an Olympic event in my opinion.

So I got to thinking, what should be in the Olympics. What would I want to see. I mean, surely if we’re going to include dumb shit that’s judged on opinion, then we can come up with more interesting events than gymnastics! Here’s how the Olympics would go down if I were in charge:

First of all hold them somewhere cooler, like Vegas, or Amsterdam. Or have them all in a haunted mental hospital, like the one they filmed the House on Haunted Hill in. (the remake) Second, less retarded unitards, more topless ladies! And not the Chinese twelve year olds or those hairy, mannish, fanged boner killers from Eastern Europe. I’m thinking more along the lines of at least the women’s volleyball teams. I mean that sport is already basically Olympic camel toe. And if we can’t find super hot chicks to play on the teams, then they have to bring buxom, morally bankrupt college coeds from their respective countries to act as ring girls for each event. While I’m on it, Olympic pole dancing sounds pretty cool. Or take it one step farther and have Olympic kegels and Olympic bukake.

In the Olympics, you get pumped full of Astroglide, and these are made of lead.

In the Olympics, you get pumped full of Astroglide, and these are made of lead.

Beer should be a main focus of the games. Nothing brings a bunch of random strangers from all over the world together quite like booze. Beer pong would be an obvious choice, as well as quarters, chugging, keg stands, and bar top wet t-shirt contests. In fact, a lot of games would be a lot cooler if a certain chemical level were manditory before every event. I’m talking drunken bowling, beer chugging track relays, and drunken javelin. Make that javelin catching. Or how about an even where you have to get really high and watch Grandma’s Boy without laughing. Greco Roman wrestling is way too homoerotic, let’s change that to alligator wrestling and thumb wrestling.

There should be some sort of giant robot fights, although Japan would clearly be the winner. It would just be cool to see what kind of crazy shit they can build when they put their minds to it. And in the same veign of violent sports, in celebration if China shitting all over that hippie country witht he llama, there should be Olympic protestor ass-kicking. (that would be professional MMA fighters kicking protesters asses, not the other way around) Perhaps even cage fighting with bears, or gorillas, or midgets. In fact, take all the protestors, not just from the Olympics but in general, and have them all duke it out gladiator style in melee death matches with animals and robots and boobie traps all combined. There would be no medals, but I think everyone would win that event.

Competitive eating should be in the Olympics. I know it’s horribly gluttonous and disgusting, but I love it. In fact, there should be an Olympic comittee to have an entire series of new games designed for the seven deadly sins. Sloth would be challenging to make interesting for viewers, but lust would totally make up for it. (back to my competitive bukake idea) Wrath could be a demolition derby, I enjoy those. Maybe with monster trucks instead of normal junked cars. Greed could just be reruns of the price is right. (with Drew, not Bob, he sucked and annoyed me with his stupid microphone) Envy could just be the rest of the world player hating America like they already do. (oooooooh! Snap! Sick burn!) (not really) So we would lose Envy, but clearly win in Pride. (Too bad jack-assery or political ineptitude aren’t cardinal sins, we’re pretty good a those too)

Like this but with fireworks for the crowd to shoot at the arena.

Like this but with fireworks for the crowd to shoot at the arena.

And then at the end everyone would just build a fake city and film it being blown up along side a montage of the best looking women from around the world dancing to Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue, cause what’s cooler than TNT with T&A. Now that could be on every channel without pissing me off. USA baby! Bring on the pointless global regionalism!

PS – Go to hell Wheaties, you taste like shit.

Tales from the front lines: Valentines day ’08

Holy bat shit Batman, I don’t know about you but this Valentines day seemed crazier than usual. I’ve got stories galore to share with you.

I don’t normally go for all kinds of mushy shit, but there was some unfortunately. My work buddy Kato proposed to his woman on Valentines day. (I’ve decided to call work Kenny “Kato” and “Kenny & Rachael” Kenny by his real name, cause it’s getting hard to remember which one is which and I can’t call both of them Kenny or you will all be confused as shit) First of all, he declared bankruptcy a while back, so he really should not have even been approved for a line of credit at Friedman’s Jewelers in the first place, but those suckers let his broke ass right through the system and gave him one of those little shiny circular things that chicks like. So his woman had to work late, and she was having an especially hard day with people getting fired and getting sick and all sorts of crazy shit. So when she walks in the door, she’s ready to collapse and almost in tears. I don’t know exactly how he popped the question to her, cause he didn’t really elaborate on all that. But apparently she said yes and she busted out the waterworks, which I’m pretty sure every chick does. And then she had to call up her mom. And naturally the mother wanted to know what the ring looked like over the phone. It’s got a round part that’s gold and a shiny rock on one side, just like every other engagement ring in the history of mankind, what the fuck do you think it looks like?

And then they had to call her two kids into the room and explain it to them. The oldest, who’s 14 I think just shrugged and said cool and went back to playing video games. (Not a big deal really, they’re all living together anyway) But the young one, who’s 11, and wired like a squirrel on meth, and borderline mental, well he didn’t take it so well. He started hyperventilating and pulling his hair. He started crying and said something along the lines of, “I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’m going to have to think about this!” And Kenny and his woman were like, think about what kid? Get in here. What are you talking about. Well apparently he thought that if Kenny married his mom, his daddy wouldn’t be his dad anymore. This might not be funny at a first glance. You may look at this situation and see a distraught child who’s upset about the shattering of his family, but that’s not what I see. What I see is a kid who’s confused in such a way that his poppa will get pisseder than all hell and start some serious shit with Kato. His exact words were, “Lets fix this before I have to tell my fiance I can’t marry her because I’m going to prison for killing her ex husband.” Kato’s a rather confrontational and violent person, so the idea of his kid going home to his poppa and poking the hornets nest was hilarious to me. But it’s all straightened out now.

Also funny about his getting hitched is the fact that’s he’s a fairly blatant racist. He’s gotten in trouble for spouting off the N word at work. He’s old school country, through and through. But he’s engaged to a Puerto Rican. I guess love is blind. I shared this story at the bar Valentines night and in return heard a pretty good race joke. If you are a sensitive Puerto Rican, tune out now. Why don’t Puerto Ricans do their own taxes? …. Cause you can’t sign tax forms in spray paint! Zing!

Anyway, so Kato had a good Valentines day, but my boss, Drew, didn’t fare so well. Here’s my best rendition of the conversation we all had:

Drew: Well I’m glad your bitch wasn’t so fucking crazy, I’m about tired of all this female shit.

Kato: So you didn’t get laid or what?

Drew: Hell no, fuckin bitch started acting the fool. I got her eighty bucks worth of clothes last weekend, and when I did I told her, ‘This is your Valentines day present. I’m not getting you any more expensive shit.‘ So she said all she wanted was just a card or something.

Me and Kenny: What are you? Stupid? That’s some amateur mistake bull shit dude. Everyone knows women tell you they don’t want any more shit and not to go out of your way, but they lie. They really mean get me all kinds of crazy shit and it had better be something expensive, something I actually want, and it had better be a fucking surprise. You can’t just get a card and leave it at that unless you want her to be pissed. There was a fucking flower stand at the end of the road on your way home dude. You could have pulled off in the dirt and gotten some thing for your woman from the Mexican chicks. They had chocolates and teddy bears and shit. Come on man.

Drew: Hell no. She said she was cool with a card and that’s what I fucking got her. I put it in the little red envelope and left a nice note in it on the end of her bed so she would find it when she woke up. So I got stuck with some paperwork from the girls in the office and I was ten minutes late. Ten fucking minutes! And as soon as I walked in the door there it is. There’s a big ass frog balloon that says some shit about love, there’s some chocolates, and there’s a new Dale Earnheart shirt. So immediately she walks in like ‘You’re late!’ And I’m like ‘Yeah, ten minutes late. I’m sorry I was working to earn you money to blow, Jesus can I get a minute to relax before you jump on my ass?‘ So she jumps in with ‘What, you didn’t even get me anything?‘ So I’m all ‘I got you almost a hundred bucks worth of clothes last weekend!‘ She said ‘Well you could have at least stopped and gotten something little.‘ And so I said ‘Well I’m sorry I didn’t get you a fucking balloon. Thanks a lot, now we’re both pissed off. I’m going to bed.

Me and Kenny: Dude, seriously, that’s just a dumb mistake on your part. You should have gotten that woman something shiny, you know they love that stuff. Tonight before you go home, just go get her a balloon or something and tell her you are sorry. She’ll probably forgive you.

Drew: Hell no. No fucking way. If I do that, then she wins. I’m not getting her a god damned thing, period. If she don’t like it she can go find some other idiot who will buy her a fucking balloon. Not me. If I get her a balloon I’m just going to pop it right in front of her. Like ‘Here you go baby here’s a balloon for you.” (makes popping motion and sound) Cause thats what she’s doing to me. That’s what all women do. There you are, just walking along in life. And behind you are all you hopes and dreams like little balloons. And sure enough, like taxes and death, some bitch will start following you around and one by one, she’ll pop every last one. ‘Oh what’s that? You’re tired from work and you just want to go out and hang out with your friends? (POP) NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKER! Bwahahahahaha!‘ Fucking bitch, I’m about tired of all this naggin’ bull shit. I’m ready to stick my boot up her ass. And wherever she lands, that’s where she’s staying. Cause she’s not staying with me anymore!

Me: Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Idiot. Flowers are so cheap! Hahahahahahahaha!

Drew: Shut up and get back to work bitch. It ain’t that funny.

My own VD was filled with neither romance nor drama, but it was kind of fun. Kind of lame, but also kind of fun. I went up to my bar for Thirsty Thursday. But when I got there it was transformed into some sort of romantic diner. There were red table cloths and expensive menu’s with food they never serve. There were candles and shit. I turned right around and left. Screw that shit. Who the fuck goes to the bar for Valentines day? Not people who are celebrating love that who. Lonely people who don’t have anyone to dine with. I just wanted to get drunk with my friends, but love was ruining my evening. More precisely, the woman who took over control of my bar is ruining my evening. In fact, she’s ruining Judd’s in general, and she needs to be stopped. But that was a task for a different evening, for the moment I was just looking for someone to hang out with.

So I hopped on my scooter and headed to the neighborhood across the street to see if Kenny and Rachael were doing anything. As I started considering my options, I realized that I don’t have very many friends who aren’t in relationships. At least not close enough to go visit on my scooter. So I pulled up to their house and through the window I thought I saw my sister in law. I pulled around back and knocked and when I entered I saw not only Kenny and Rachael, but Nate and Sami and another girl from the neighborhood. They were all excited to see me, and excited that I was going roller skating with them. WHAT? Yes, roller skating. And not drunk roller skating, the sober kind. All the girls were super excited, and all the guys were mostly just pissed. Especially about the sober part. But off we went anyway.

Now on the way they informed me that the only one they could find that was open on Valentines night was in the middle of the ghetto. Great. Here I am with my Hank Williams Jr. shirt with a rebel flag and everything, my freshly shaved skinhead looking haircut, and my generally hostile honky demeanor. It was going to be a long night. When we got there, after chugging several beers in the car, I was immediately greeted by a mountain of a black security guard. He patted me down and cleared me to go through (not sure why exactly pat downs are needed for a skating rink, but not a good sign) and somehow he missed my utility knife that I keep clipped to my pants at all times. I forgot I even had it on. So as we are walking in, the Carolina Rollergirls were leaving. I was kind of bummed that I didn’t get to see them practice their skating, partly because they are so hot, and partly because they are so violent, and partly because it would have given me something to do besides actually skate. As in: watch their sexy asses go around in circles.

They may not be models, but their ass kicking gives me a chubby

So we were left with nothing to do but skate. That was boring. There was the regular assortment of weird adults who hang out at rollerskating rinks waaaay too much. there were three or four black dudes practicing their faggy hip hop moves on roller skates in the middle of the floor. There were the slutty ghetto chicks who like to shake their ass like hookers, but while moving around in a circle. There was that one white guy who has on some sort of team jersey for some sort of ridiculously gay roller skating team. There was the pixie cut lesbian who figure skates all night, whilst simultaneously doing some sort of tae bo dance move thing. She was weird, but for some reason I kind of wanted to do her. Perhaps it was my subconscious mind telling me that anyone who could lift their leg that far behind them probably had all sorts of Olympic kegel muscles. Who knows.

After about an hour of listening to urban bull shit music everyone got tired of that and we went to go get drunk like we should have to begin with. I got a free chicken wing out of the evening though, and I savored every crispy calorie of it. Plus our regular bartender was absent that evening and his replacement was some much better looking female. I mean, Jeremy is pretty good looking, but I’d much rather look at chicks, especially on Valentines day. The night ended on an especially pleasant note. At the bar I picked up this hot chick named Rosie Palm and went home for a massive orgy with her and her five sisters.

Overall I had a pretty good Valentines day, at least I survived it. Next year I’m picking up a hooker and banging her to Air Supply when I first wake up, just so I can get all the romance out of the way and spend the rest of the day having fun however I want. I hope your VD was filled with beer and someone else’s bodily fluids, happy black history month everyone.