Category Archives: home improvement

The Carport of Babel

There are times in a mans life where he takes on a task, nay, a mighty quest. This arduous undertaking consumes him, pushing him to his limits in the ultimate attempt to make himself a legend among men. A hero of sorts. And almost without fail, in the real world at least, men underestimate how impossibly fucking hard this task will be once it’s started and there’s no turning back.

My quest is building a place to live. My brother and I decided to close in his carport making it into a new laundry room and a large bedroom for me to live in, and after I move a new living room or possibly game room for their house. We looked at this old carport and said to ourselves, we know how to measure and cut things. We like using power tools. We’ve both worked construction and maintenance jobs for many years. This should be well within the comfortable bounds of our almost limitless knowledge of how to make things. So with our spirits high and our giant hairy balls swinging low, we started tearing shit apart and building walls. As it turns out, we only half way know how to build a house. And we most certainly don’t know how to build a house to government standards.

You see what happened was, we forgot one very important factor when evaluating our personal skills. Both of us have built a lot of crap, and learned a lot of things, but every job we’ve ever had has been some jack-of-all-trades bullshit, where the main focus was on *ahem* jerry-rigging the living hell out of whatever we were fixing. So I can guarantee I can build a functional house that never leaks or falls over, but when it comes to making sure the town of Garner building inspectors agree about my methods, well, that’s a whole different slice of pie now isn’t it.

But who needs professional or expert knowledge, we decided to wing it anyway, and have been met with nothing but trouble ever since. We spent an entire day moving the top of one exterior wall one inch so it would match up properly with the preexisting trim wood. We’ve found unbelievable things wrong with the house. A large section of the roof had the rafters completely unattached, possibly from a large limb falling on it. One corner of the carport was held up by nothing but a four by four, gravity, and paint. Seriously, we jacked it up to build a wall, and the post fell out, not attached in any way to either the roof, or the small cement wall it was sitting on. One man with a sledgehammer, or say, a CAR, could have collapsed the end of the house. And yet our inspection fails because we accidentally used 3/8ths inch bolts instead of half inch bolts. Suck a dick inspector man, you know good and well that wall wasn’t going anywhere. (shakey fist with extra !!!!!!!)

So anyway. Nobody besides us gives a crap about the details of our work. Let me just say that we’ve pretty much all been busting our collective asses in the middle of a very muggy summer to try and get this project done, and though our balls are still just as huge as ever, our spirits are all sinking a little lower as the weeks go by. We’ll get this bastard built eventually, but for now nobody has much energy for things like, oh, blogging regularly. Even my first love, pornography, has been seeing less of me lately. Oh yeah, and the woman too, don’t forget the woman!

(By the way it’s very hard to focus on writing when your woman is sitting next to your rough draft on the computer screen, deep throating a popsicle. Who am I kidding, I didn’t even try splitting my attention.)

So screw it, this is what it looks like.

This was the corner being frighteningly held up by one single 4x4 with no screws or nails whatsoever.

This was the corner being frighteningly held up by one single 4x4 with no screws or nails whatsoever.

No one was injured in my tool rage.

No one was injured in my tool rage.

This is called labor fuel, which weve been consuming in large quantities. Because, you know, power tools and alcohol are never a bad thing to mix.

This is called labor fuel, which we've been consuming in large quantities. Because, you know, power tools and alcohol are never a bad thing to mix.

This would be our former exterior wall, also the location of the rafters holding up the ceiling that were completely unattached.

This would be our former exterior wall, also the location of the rafters holding up the ceiling that were completely unattached.

You can only immagine how packed it is now that we also brought down everything in our attic to instal a new HVAC system.

You can only immagine how packed it is now that we also brought down everything in our attic to instal a new HVAC system.

Getting close to done. ON THE OUTSIDE! Mwahahahaha!

Getting close to done. ON THE OUTSIDE! Mwahahahaha!

After working it is necessary to cover your head with a liquor bag, and make your best preggers tummy.

After working it is necessary to cover your head with a liquor bag, and make your best preggers tummy.

Pink or Red?

Hey, so I’m not in jail which is pretty sweet. And that can only mean one thing. Time for some updates and a few cool stories.

Nate’s campaign for employee of the year has hit a road bump. He won, but the executives were pissed so they are voting all over again. And this time they took the responsibility away from the lady who was doing it, and have one of the vice presidents doing the counting. And the fellow who’s supposed to win this year just happens to be his right hand man. And they changed Nate’s last name on the ballot to a similar but completely different one. So Nate typed up this long ass email with copies of a bunch of previous emails he had saved throughout the campaign, and he informed everyone that he was in the running, again, but with a different last name. He even titled the email “WTF is up with this”. Now there’s an anonymous voting system, which kind of screams bull shit, but whatever. I wanted Nate to post up the link on myspace as a bulletin, and post it here, but he thinks he’ll get in trouble if he gets more votes than there are employees in the company, and he really wants that $500. So that sucks, but if he won once, and they play fair, he could win again. We’ll see.

The branch manager at my job got fired. He was lazy and never did any actual work, so we figured he would get fired for that. I mean, we were all expecting him to lose his job when the big dogs from corporate came down to visit. It turns out he lost his job not because he was a piss poor manager, but because the computer people caught him looking at porn … a lot. But wait, there’s more! He was also trying to pick up women on dating sites and talking to them through the company e-mail, and on his company phone. But wait, there’s more! He used to come back to our shop all the time to use our bathroom. We always figured he just didn’t want to shit in the office so he wouldn’t stink up the lobby where the girls work. But it turns out he was coming back there to jack off when he had gotten all hot from talking to chicks and looking at porn. But wait, there’s more! He was even soliciting prostitutes on Craigslist.

I mean, what a fucking idiot. I’m just a peon trade worker with jack shit for higher education, and even I know that the internet in that office is routed through a corporate server which you have to log onto in order to access the web, and that means that everything you do online is recorded and monitored by the watch men at headquarters. I mean Jesus Christ, not even a month ago corporate sent out a memo to all office employees clearly defining what the internet could and could not be used for, along with all the details from their rule book. How stupid do you have to be?

That means we now get to play the exciting game ofnew-manager-russian-roulette. God only knows what sort of jack ass mother fucker we might get stuck with. They are shipping in the first hopeful next week to meet everyone and see if he jives well with all of us. You have to understand that our company is a bunch of wild mofo’s. I mean I can’t even walk in the office without getting roped into some warped and disturbing conversation. Today for instance I had a conversation about how when I go to jail would I rather bang men, or get banged by men. They nicknamed our shop the “jack shack”. And we talked in length about having sex with dead babies before we throw them in the attic. No shit, I can’t make this sort of thing up. They’re some perverted twisted sickos. And not just the men either, both of the “ladies” are some foul bitches. They’re fun though. I like them. And I actually seem like a good person standing next to them.

We got the house painted. I think the walls are pink. Sami insists they are a shade of red. Take a look for yourself.

the choice is clear

If you think that wall is red, like the rose, then you are wrong. If you think that wall is pink like the flamingo, you are also wrong. The wall is closest in color to the salmon in the center. I have outlined the fish so you can see exactly where it is, since it is an identical color to the wall.

can you see it now?

I had an interesting experience the other night. I was out back smoking on the deck when I heard a thrashing about in the woods, like some blood thirsty beast was rummaging for human scent. I got a flashlight to see what it was, and lo and behold, there was a killer night cow in our back yard. Now, intellectually I know there is farmland on the other side of the woods, but I really wasn’t expecting to see cattle so close to the house. I didn’t have a camera available at the time, so I have taken a photo of the spot and superimposed another photo of the cow over top of it.

it was actually much larger

I was able to fight it off with my bare hands, but several villiages were leveled in the skirmish and many many civilians lost their lives. As you can see, I not only had to be wary of the traditional devil horns that all dairy cows have, but also lasers, fire breath, venemous rabies foam, and evil AIDS rays. I wish I had a photo of the actual cow itself. It was much much larger and moved with the quickness of the devil. Just imagine the cow I provided, but seventy feet tall, and next to that tree in the background, not in front of the fence. The fence is probably the only thing that stopped it from trampling our house into rubble.

I’m not a big fan of large animals. If fact, anything larger than a medium sized dog is probably untrustworthy and should be butchered for the safety of mankind. Especially giraffes, don’t even get me started on how much I distrust giraffes and their psychic mind powers.