Category Archives: memes

More Like the Blowlympics

So my woman decided to write a post about how hating the Olympics doesn’t mean you aren’t patriotic, and since I haven’t felt very inspired to write anything for a few years or so, I figured I’d like to get in on that. Despite the fact that Torontonians apparently feel not supporting the Olympics is unpatriotic, I don’t know anyone around here who likes them. True, most of my friends are alcoholics, criminals, and white trash, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t a legitimate representation of everyone in America. Let’s quickly review the basics shall we?

1) The Olympics are boring. Watching them is like watching reruns of CSPAN. I would rather do chores around the house wearing a suit of fiberglass insulation than watch the Olympics. I would rather listen to Rosanne and Fran Drescher argue about yesterday’s episode of the View than watch the Olympics.

2) Almost all Olympic sports, challenging as they may be, are not spectator sports. Everyone knows figure skating sucks. Ski jumping may be scary, but if you see one jump you’ve pretty much got the idea. If you’re a dick like me and you enjoy people wrecking badly, it almost never happens. (Too soon for a luger pun?) Even the relatively exciting sports of BMX or Karate are still way lamer than watching a non-Olympic version like the X-Games or the UFC.

3) What the hell is bandy? I realize I live in a warm climate and ice sports aren’t popular, but seriously? The same thing goes for basque pelota, korfball, and boules. I may be an ignorant American, but I would argue that sports shouldn’t even be considered for a world tournament unless they are popular in more than two countries. What’s next, life saving? Oh wait, that’s an Olympic sport too. Being a lifeguard is NOT a sport, I don’t care how many boobs were on Bay Watch.

So now that I have irrefutably proven that the Olympics generally blow, let’s move on to how that applies to me being patriotic. Let me first start by explaining that I’m not patriotic in the traditional sense of actually being loyal to my country. Here are just a few things I hate about America: everyone who runs it, guidos, Fox News, people who insist America is the best country in the world without knowing anything about the world, the fact that Top Gear is filmed somewhere else, and public service announcements. (Seriously, shut up Hollywood)

However, this doesn’t mean there aren’t a ton of great things that have come out of America that I enjoy taking credit for when talking to foreigners. So if you think I’m unpatriotic, well fuck you. Here’s a list of amazing shit I or someone related to me probably were responsible for.

Look at this guy!

Grizzly Adams: He tamed fucking bears. I can only assume he settled for grizzly bears in the absence of wild dragons. Also he owned one of the coolest coat-beard combos in the history of mankind.

Rock and Roll: While the debate over who technically invented rock and roll is one that will never be agreed upon, (see Beatles vs Elvis if you’re an idiot) the fact remains that America has contributed a lot to Rock and Roll over the years. And while lots of my favorite bands are not home grown, a whole lot of them are. Skynyrd, Aerosmith, Van Halen, Metallica, Motley Crue, Guns N’ Roses, Disturbed, Green Day, Sublime, 311, Rage Against the Machine; the list goes on and on but I’m tired of copying crap from Wikipedia. The point is that without downplaying the contribution of the rest of the world, we’ve done some face melting rocking over the years.

The Ultimate Fighting Championship: I don’t give a flying crap where martial arts come from, the UFC is a great American institution. I was always bored with sports (like the Olympics) and never enjoyed playing or watching any until I experienced mixed martial arts in an octagon fence/cage. If you haven’t seen it and have a penis, please fix one or the other. That crap is the shit. Who doesn’t like insane men willingly (or unwillingly) jumping in a cage and beating the life blood out of each other? Pussies, that’s who, and pussies stink.

Suck it world.

Man on the Moon: Face it, it was a race, to the moon, and we won. I don’t care if the USSR cloned a dinosaur/minotaur beast and puts a damn army of them on the moon, we still got a man there first, and that’s damn cool. Next race, put a man on the sun. If any country can beat us there Niel Armstrong will look like Pauly Shore if he hadn’t made Biodome. (You know that shit was funny, don’t even lie. Unless you never smoked weed, and then it probably wasn’t funny, but that’s your own fault not his)

Porn: After a lengthy break from blogging I’m back to report the ol’ USA produces more porn than any other country on earth. (I didn’t happen across any provable facts during my break, so sue me) If Faith up there can’t give you a few great reasons why porn is awesome, then I sure as hell can’t explain it in a way you will understand. If that is the case think of it like physics, and then just understand I’m pretty much Einstein when it comes to this topic. (That’s why I’m on the internet instead of out there in real life somewhere.)

Anheuser-Bush: The number one seller of beer on the planet. Sure there are a lot of other companies and countries that make much better beer, but that doesn’t change a thing. They actually are the king of beers. For all you beer snobs out there, there’s a reason such watery swill is dominating the planet. Poor people like drinking too, and for the price they actually deliver a good quality beverage. Also a little known fact about Budweiser for all you Heineken fans out there: if you accidentally leave a Budweiser under your car seat in the middle of the dog days of summer for three days and it doesn’t explode from the heat, it tastes exactly like Heineken. It’s probably not safe to drink, but I did once and it was delicious once I got it chilled down.

As you can see America has a lot of great things I enjoy, unfortunately none of them are on the Olympics. While it is true that one great thing about our country is that everyone except the Tea Party people usually make room for other folks to enjoy things they don’t support, the fact remains that the Olympic Games are exactly like the state of the union address, no matter how important it’s supposed to be, it’s still not as good as the regularly scheduled programming. That’s what highlight reels are for.

2008: Peace Out Past, Hello … Present

It’s the end of 2008, a year full of tons and tons of me being awesome despite life being the complete opposite of me. I’m getting ready to boot this last year out the door and shack up with it’s younger and more mysterious, and less worn out sister, 2009. I’m thinking good things are coming, or possibly just more bull shit, who the hell knows. I should probably ask a psychic or a magic 8 ball or something, but honestly I don’t really care that much. Could this be the year I kill a bear with a knife? Maybe, but only one thing is for sure, it’s time to summarize an entire years experiences with a meme questionnaire from Sundry the Magnificent. (I don’t know if that’s her official title, but it should be, because it fits her in my opinion, which is the only opinion that matters here on Sprinting To Hell)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Tons, mostly boring crap to be honest, but a few notable exceptions. I started my relationship with Em, which is by far the longest and most stable and happy relationship evah, for me anyway. I spent more time in court than any other year of my life. I have now kept my current job longer than any job I’ve ever had. I think I saw two girls one cup this year, which is always an interesting first time experience, although not nearly as horrifying as one guy one cup was. (seriously, don’t watch it, ever, I won’t even link to it. The horrors will haunt your dreams for the rest of your life) I got a tick on my balls for the first, and hopefully last time. and I met myself from the future, and crippled-future-me warned me not to try to kill a bear with a knife. But honestly, who takes life advise from cripples anyway, he seemed like a friggin pussy to me.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No, there was none, and no. New Years resolutions are for jack asses who can’t decide to do something and actually do it. If I want something in my life changed I will just change it, and if not, I will sit on my happy complacent ass and never worry about BS resolutions.

4. Did anyone close to you die? My great granddad, Nathan Brinson died, but we were not especially close because we lived so far apart. Plus he was super old, and had wicked Alzheimer’s so it was time for him to go. I think my Great Grandma died too, but they were both on and off hospice so often that I kind of lost track. I know that sounds bad, and uh, well nothing I just know that sounds bad. Deal with it. Next question.

5. What countries did you visit? I visited the United States. For the entire year. Also I live here anyway. So nowhere.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Super powers. The ability to change shape would be cool, or power over gravity. Manipulation of the time space continuum would rock too, like Hiro Nakamura from Heroes, but I’d rather be able to change shape. Money would be cool too, and for old what’s her face to live with me. (kidding, I love you puddin)

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 3-11 is our anniversary, and also one of my favorite bands, which is very convenient, cause I really suck at remembering dates.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting my drinking under control. That was some rough shit, and I’ve had to make some drastic changes in my life. I still drink sometimes, but now it’s not whilst driving too fast from one party to another.

9. What was your biggest failure? Getting locked up kind of sucks. I have to serve weekends until April, and I’m not feeling especially thrilled about it, but all in all it’s not the end of the world. Jail isn’t as bad as some people make it out to be. There are only fights sometimes, and if you mind your own business, almost never. I’m going to be happy when it’s all over with though.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I laid my scooter down during a turn I took too quick and shaved off some of my arm skin/meat, but nothing too bad.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Me and another guy got a PS2 for our break room at work, and let me tell you, that was the best investment ever. EVER.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine. I would like to point out that I whole heatedly refrained from stabbing the faces of the people around me during that spectacle of misinformation and propaganda they called the election. I haven’t punched a single Hardee’s employee even though they came out with the self contradictory little thickburger which I refuse to eat based on moral principal. And I haven’t roshambo’d the Christian geek fucker at work despite his dire attempts to drive me absolutely fucking insane with his repeated and unabashed idiocy. (case in point: yesterday he called the secretary in the office stating the he was almost out of gas but there weren’t any stations around that match our company gas discount deal, and even though his card works at all gas stations, what should he do? Answer: stop and get gas somewhere else, seriously, and then never, ever reproduce again asshole)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The government. I really really hate our government, and I don’t have time to get into all that crap, that’s for a later post I’m working on. But really, if you aren’t pissed as hell at BOTH parties and pretty much every single scumbag in Washington, then you are either morally bankrupt or you haven’t been paying any attention to anything ever that’s ever happened ever. I am pissed as hell and I feel cheated and used and lied to and robbed of my rights.

14. Where did most of your money go? To the North Carolina “justice” system, fucking highway-robber ass-hat’s.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I had a solid week of frequent, vigorous, and amazing sex in June that was a long time coming, no ejaculation pun intended. (not really, of course I wouldn’t miss the chance to work jism into a post)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Uh … none probably. Maybe some. I have a really bad sense of when things happen in my head, so I tend to remember general eras of my life, but usually never what year things happened in. I got into country music a lot this year, so if anything, that would be the general musical feel of 2008.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier.
b) thinner or fatter? The same I think.
c) richer or poorer? About the same, aka, peasant poor.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Fighting. I went the whole year without a single good old fashioned rough and tumble face thumping. Not a single outlet for violence the whole year. I’m thinking about buying a punching bag though, so I can go kick the shit out of something without bleeding from my face or going to jail, again.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Sleeping I guess, I need more time in the day, that’s for sure. Everything else was pretty cool. Except jail maybe. It makes good stories though.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Drinking with my brothers and sister and law while playing Gears of War, possibly the coolest game ever. Seriously, it kicked my ass with awesomeness, and I’m pretty much made of kick-ass-ocity, so that was an incredible feat.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Kind of, mostly, it started in ’07, but mostly came to fruition is ’08.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Everyone’s favorite program, Heroes. It changes lives for the better. Save the cheerleader man, save the friggin world.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I’m going to go ahead and say McCain and Obama made my shit list, and I didn’t know crap about them before. Also noteworthy, Obama’s bitch ass wife. I can’t stand her face. It’s like if Condoleza Rice had a baby with Alien, and raised it in bitchville with a solid diet of grilled snobbery in twit sauce.

24. What was the best book you read? I don’t think I read any good books. I did however find Dr. McNinja, a web comic so cool you may want to felate your computer screen. In fact, I randomly found a picture from Dr. McNinja that I liked so much I’m planning on making it my next tattoo, and only recently realized it was from there. Very cool, go forth and be amazed.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Hank Williams Jr. may be the best thing to happen to my musical taste since Lynyrd Skynyrd. Also, the Zac brown band is really really good.

26. What did you want and get? Tattoos, two green stars on my chest that represent Emerald. I got some nice work boots from WalMart, like twenty bucks man, and comfy as hell. They lasted me all year. Uh … nothing else that I can think of.

27. What did you want and not get? A new camcorder, which I plan on getting, a deep fryer which I got but was broken and lame as hell, and an Xbox 360, which I have neither the money or time for.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Batman: The Dark Knight, hands down.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Honestly I can’t remember. I think I went to the bar with my friends maybe. I don’t make a big thing over birthdays.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having Em here with me. But just cause I like the sexuals, not cause I’m a total romantic puss-bag over her.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? I found that buying a whole lot of the same thing makes dressing easier. I found some really comfy shorts at Target, so I bought about six pairs, mostly in camo, and now I have plenty of cool looking shorts that fit well and I didn’t have to go shopping but one time. (I hate shopping because I’m not gay)

32. What kept you sane? The internet, without the endless surfing I would go absolutely nuts. I can’t imagine what I would do without the endless information and rescources, or the instant gratification, or the global interaction. Or my latest addiction, Combat Arms. My brother Nate showed me this game recently, and I can not stop playing it. It’s free too man, so if you happen to like gaming at all, or blowing the shit out of people, go download it and get into that shit right now. Seriously, stop reading this frivolous swill and get your ass in gear.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? If by fancy you mean want to “have freaky Alaskan sex with”, then my answer would be Sarah Palin. She was pretty much the one and only redeeming factor in the whole election process. Also, Tina Fey, because I’ve always had a thing for her, and she played Palin in a ton of the SNL skits. In fantasy land, I date both of them at the same time, and they have hilarious, late night, live loving sessions with me dressed up like fancy business women. (plus I dig chicks with glasses, always have)

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The government of our country decidedly slipping from the republic it was meant to be, into the oligarchy it now is, that routinely rapes the ideals of freedom and liberty that our country was founded on, and robs us of our constitutional rights on a daily basis.

35. Who did you miss? Magnum P.I. That show used to be on every day, and now I can’t get it any more, cause I don’t have cable. Why did you leave me Thomas Magnum? You took your rediculous high short shorts and your overly sexual name and left nothing but a gaping hole in my soul. Please come back.

36. Who was the best new person you met? I don’t think I have met anyone in the last year that I especially like. Sorry everyone I met this year, but you don’t stick out in my mind enough to mention. Your new years resolution should be to be less boring.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. I tried my best not to learn anything this year. Lesson wise at least, I did pack in a ton of random information from hither and thither across the world wide information tubes, but not really any life lessons per se. The best thing I can think of would be, don’t get too drunk in a bar where you don’t know anyone, and especially if that bar is a honkytonk.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “Welcome to the jungle it gets worse here everyday. You learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play. If you got a hunger for what you see, you’ll take it eventually. You can have anything you want, but you better not take it from me. In the jungle, welcome to the jungle, watch it bring you to your knees.” On second thought this doesn’t really have that much application to real life without being totally pretentious, but it does rock hard enough to melt faces, so shut your face. Or feel my serpentine rather, bitches.

Occasionally I want to talk about meme.

40 Secrets About Yourself
Be HONEST no matter what!

1.What’s your natural hair color?

Brown. Oooh, we’re off to a hectic start with these soul piercing secrets aren’t we?

2. where was your default pic taken?

In my brothers car port on Halloween night. We actually just screwed around in the car port all night cutting up plywood to floor the attic. We were about drunk as hell. Some of the parents just skipped our house entirely. Here’s me brushing my teeth after we ate all the candy that the kids didn’t get.

floss everyday

3. What’s your middle name?

Lorne. Pronounced like thorn. As in Lorne Michaels from SNL. NOT Lauren. It’s a guys name dammit. And I just so happen to be the fourth first born male on my fathers side to have that middle name. (I hate it, can you tell?)

4. Your current relationship status?

Me and the woman from Halloween are no longer together. So single. I’m getting kind of sick of being single. Do men have biological clocks?

5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?

I don’t really have a real life crush right now, just e-crushes. All the good women I hang out with are taken. I do fantasize about some of them though. Usually I just miss my ex. (The good one, not the last one. See question 10)

6. What is your current mood?

Just think pissed, then add tired and lonely and stressed out and you should have a good idea of what sort of day I’m having.

7.What color underwear are you wearing?

Black boxer briefs. Wanna see my package? It looks good in these.

8.What makes you happy?

You know after sex, when you are drifting off to sleep, and someone is curled up next to you, with their nose in your ear, and they sigh and make that mmmmmm sound. That’s what makes me the happiest. That and fighting. Fighting makes me pretty happy. Oh yeah, and beer.

violence is manly

10. If you could go back in time, and change something what would it be?

I would have gotten control of my alcoholism before I destroyed the relationship I had with the bank manager. I still think about that every single day. Probably the biggest regret of my life. But she’s probably happier with someone else anyway. I wasn’t normal enough to make her happy even when I was sober.

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day- what would you be?

I’d be a house cat. They get to eat and sleep all day. I could really use a day of sleep.

teh kitteh. sleep has it.

12. Ever had a near death experience?

Yes. Several. I was in a pretty wicked truck wreck once. It rolled over three times and everyone except me left on a stretcher. I was just sore and cut up a little bit. I could have very easy died though. I was lucky.

13. Something you do a lot?

Uh, work. Whack off. Curse. Smoke. Listen to rock and roll. All the good stuff.

14. What’s the name of the song stuck in your head right now?

Cherokee Nation by Paul Revere and the Raiders. This video plays the kick ass song with photos from Cherokee North Carolina, a kick ass reservation in the smoky mountains on the west side of my kick ass state. I went there as a kid. I enjoyed it. Very much a tourist trap town. I didn’t go to the casinos, I was too young.

15. Who did you copy and paste this from?

Emerald Hottentots.

6. Name someone with the same b-day as you?

(I had to look this up) Buffy the Vampire Slayer, aka Sarah Michele Gellar. The brother from Everybody Loves Raymond, Brad Garrett. Ritchie Blackmore, the guitarist for Deep Purple. \m/> <\m/ Also less cool, Pete Rose and Loretta Lynn.

Ritchie Blackmore of Deep Purple

17. When was the last time you cried?

I’m a man and I’m tougher than robot leather. My tear ducts just pump testosterone and nitroglycerine.

18. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?

Yes, but not well.

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?

This has been a topic of debate with my brother and I for a long time. I think the coolest and most useful power would be the ability to morph my body into any shape I wanted. He thinks the best would be controlling gravity. He’s dumb and I’m right.

carnage morphs cool

20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Really, that often depends on what they’re wearing. Not their eye color usually. More like an overall impression of their face. But sometimes they have an exceptional ass or boobies or both, and then those catch my eye and I get distracted from everything else. Sorry, I’m a hetero male. But the face is the most important. I’m not that picky about bodies, but I know right away whether I’m attracted to a face or I think it’s ugly.

expensive

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?

Nothing, Starbucks sucks ass.

22. What’s your biggest secret?

No way. No fucking way. I’ve got entire cemeteries in my closet.

23. What’s your favorite colour?

Green.

24. When was the last time you lied?

I don’t know. I think it’s been a while.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?

Yes. Spongebob is cool when you’re baked. There’s more, I just don’t remember right now.

bad llama

27. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?

Nothing. I had a brownie with icing earlier though.

28. Do you speak any other language?

Yo hablo pequito espanol putas. Chupa lo.

29. What’s your favourite smell?

Grilling meat. But sawdust is pretty good too. And that smell that your hands make when you tighten a drill bit and it spins real fast in your hand and almost burns you. And what the hell, why be original, female is pretty nice too. Although I really probably just enjoy being in situations where I’m close enough to distinctly smell female scent.

30. If you could describe life in one word what would it be?

disappointing

31. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?

Earlier at dinner. I went to some friends house to eat wings and pizza.

32. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?

Negative, not yet. Other kissing related activities I’ve never done include: kiss on valentines day, kiss on anniversary, kiss on stroke of new years, and kiss a complete stranger.

I Can Has Kiss?

33. What are you thinking about right now?

I’m thinking this survey is pretty focused on relationships when it could be focused on something less depressing.

34. What should you be doing?

Smoking up and going to sleep.

35. What was the last thing that made you upset?

Question 32 didn’t really put me in a great mood.

36. How often do you pray?

Me and god don’t talk. We have an understanding.

jesus is one bad ass natch

37. Do you like working in the yard?

Sometimes. I do enjoy physical work a lot, but mowing sucks. Gardening is kind of fun. Grilling often happens in the yard, does that count?

38. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?

Fightmaster, Longfellow, Badass, Butcher, Tank, Prime, Armstrong, pretty much any kick ass manly name. But I like my real name.

39. Name 5 things in your closet.

Five things in the closet besides Ryan Seacrest? Right now the only thing in my closet is some blankets, clothing, and the screen from my window which I removed so I could smoke out on the roof.

40. Do you act different around your crush?

No, I always flirt with everyone. It’s my way of pretending like I’m not intimidated by hot women. Cause honestly, y’all are kind of scary. So I put on my game face and dork-flirt my way through life.

Happy fucking black history month