Category Archives: music

More Like the Blowlympics

So my woman decided to write a post about how hating the Olympics doesn’t mean you aren’t patriotic, and since I haven’t felt very inspired to write anything for a few years or so, I figured I’d like to get in on that. Despite the fact that Torontonians apparently feel not supporting the Olympics is unpatriotic, I don’t know anyone around here who likes them. True, most of my friends are alcoholics, criminals, and white trash, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t a legitimate representation of everyone in America. Let’s quickly review the basics shall we?

1) The Olympics are boring. Watching them is like watching reruns of CSPAN. I would rather do chores around the house wearing a suit of fiberglass insulation than watch the Olympics. I would rather listen to Rosanne and Fran Drescher argue about yesterday’s episode of the View than watch the Olympics.

2) Almost all Olympic sports, challenging as they may be, are not spectator sports. Everyone knows figure skating sucks. Ski jumping may be scary, but if you see one jump you’ve pretty much got the idea. If you’re a dick like me and you enjoy people wrecking badly, it almost never happens. (Too soon for a luger pun?) Even the relatively exciting sports of BMX or Karate are still way lamer than watching a non-Olympic version like the X-Games or the UFC.

3) What the hell is bandy? I realize I live in a warm climate and ice sports aren’t popular, but seriously? The same thing goes for basque pelota, korfball, and boules. I may be an ignorant American, but I would argue that sports shouldn’t even be considered for a world tournament unless they are popular in more than two countries. What’s next, life saving? Oh wait, that’s an Olympic sport too. Being a lifeguard is NOT a sport, I don’t care how many boobs were on Bay Watch.

So now that I have irrefutably proven that the Olympics generally blow, let’s move on to how that applies to me being patriotic. Let me first start by explaining that I’m not patriotic in the traditional sense of actually being loyal to my country. Here are just a few things I hate about America: everyone who runs it, guidos, Fox News, people who insist America is the best country in the world without knowing anything about the world, the fact that Top Gear is filmed somewhere else, and public service announcements. (Seriously, shut up Hollywood)

However, this doesn’t mean there aren’t a ton of great things that have come out of America that I enjoy taking credit for when talking to foreigners. So if you think I’m unpatriotic, well fuck you. Here’s a list of amazing shit I or someone related to me probably were responsible for.

Look at this guy!

Grizzly Adams: He tamed fucking bears. I can only assume he settled for grizzly bears in the absence of wild dragons. Also he owned one of the coolest coat-beard combos in the history of mankind.

Rock and Roll: While the debate over who technically invented rock and roll is one that will never be agreed upon, (see Beatles vs Elvis if you’re an idiot) the fact remains that America has contributed a lot to Rock and Roll over the years. And while lots of my favorite bands are not home grown, a whole lot of them are. Skynyrd, Aerosmith, Van Halen, Metallica, Motley Crue, Guns N’ Roses, Disturbed, Green Day, Sublime, 311, Rage Against the Machine; the list goes on and on but I’m tired of copying crap from Wikipedia. The point is that without downplaying the contribution of the rest of the world, we’ve done some face melting rocking over the years.

The Ultimate Fighting Championship: I don’t give a flying crap where martial arts come from, the UFC is a great American institution. I was always bored with sports (like the Olympics) and never enjoyed playing or watching any until I experienced mixed martial arts in an octagon fence/cage. If you haven’t seen it and have a penis, please fix one or the other. That crap is the shit. Who doesn’t like insane men willingly (or unwillingly) jumping in a cage and beating the life blood out of each other? Pussies, that’s who, and pussies stink.

Suck it world.

Man on the Moon: Face it, it was a race, to the moon, and we won. I don’t care if the USSR cloned a dinosaur/minotaur beast and puts a damn army of them on the moon, we still got a man there first, and that’s damn cool. Next race, put a man on the sun. If any country can beat us there Niel Armstrong will look like Pauly Shore if he hadn’t made Biodome. (You know that shit was funny, don’t even lie. Unless you never smoked weed, and then it probably wasn’t funny, but that’s your own fault not his)

Porn: After a lengthy break from blogging I’m back to report the ol’ USA produces more porn than any other country on earth. (I didn’t happen across any provable facts during my break, so sue me) If Faith up there can’t give you a few great reasons why porn is awesome, then I sure as hell can’t explain it in a way you will understand. If that is the case think of it like physics, and then just understand I’m pretty much Einstein when it comes to this topic. (That’s why I’m on the internet instead of out there in real life somewhere.)

Anheuser-Bush: The number one seller of beer on the planet. Sure there are a lot of other companies and countries that make much better beer, but that doesn’t change a thing. They actually are the king of beers. For all you beer snobs out there, there’s a reason such watery swill is dominating the planet. Poor people like drinking too, and for the price they actually deliver a good quality beverage. Also a little known fact about Budweiser for all you Heineken fans out there: if you accidentally leave a Budweiser under your car seat in the middle of the dog days of summer for three days and it doesn’t explode from the heat, it tastes exactly like Heineken. It’s probably not safe to drink, but I did once and it was delicious once I got it chilled down.

As you can see America has a lot of great things I enjoy, unfortunately none of them are on the Olympics. While it is true that one great thing about our country is that everyone except the Tea Party people usually make room for other folks to enjoy things they don’t support, the fact remains that the Olympic Games are exactly like the state of the union address, no matter how important it’s supposed to be, it’s still not as good as the regularly scheduled programming. That’s what highlight reels are for.

Chicken Fried

I remember the first time I heard the song Chicken Fried by the Zac Brown Band. I was hungover in Kenny’s truck on the way back from our cray-zay fishing trip to the beach. It was awesome. You know how it feels that first time you get head? Kind of like that except completely different. Actually a lot better than the first time I got head, but that’s a bad story involving too much beer and a fat chick who was ragging.

Anyway, all of you people out there who listen to country radio will be familiar with the hit single, or at least should be. They might just be a south east thing, I don’t really know. The point is that the Zac brown Band came to Raleigh, and I went to see them with my brother Nate and his wife Sami. We didn’t get any pictures, cause my camera was lost under a large pile of clothes and rubble that I really didn’t feel like searching through.

They played a joint called the Lincoln Theatre, which hosts some of the best shows that come through our area. It’s a fairly small venue, so you can get down real close to the stage if you want. The only real problem with the Lincoln Theatre is the fact that you can only smoke in the very back of the upstairs section, back where you can’t even see the performers. But they have a bar and a pool table back there, so it’s all right.

I had read online that their fans were a pretty diverse group, but I was still expecting to see a mostly country crowd. But the crowd was in fact a very mixed bunch, from hardcore country fans, to preps, to hippies, to rockers. And one rude bitch in a wheel chair. (if you read this wheel chair bitch, move your fucking ass somewhere that everyone can get past you on the stairs. I know you’re all misfortunate and shit, but you getting in my way every time I want a beer or need to piss just makes me want to kick you down the stairs and cripple you the rest of the way)

I like the Zac Brown Band for a number of reasons. Firstly they play a wide range of music. They had rock, and country, bluegrass and raggae. Every musician in the band was a borderline virtuoso, especially the front man and the fiddler. They took time to sign autographs for everyone who wanted one, and take pictures with their fans, which is cool. They were very down to earth. And last but not least, they are ugly. I don’t see enough ugly people in music these days. Everyone has to be all hot and chiseled and shit, so they can look good on TV and sell lots of merchandise. These guys were just normal scruffy ass dudes. And Zac Brown has a beard, which makes us brothers in facial hair. None of that mamby pamby, metrosexual, baby faced, boy toy bull shit. (ahem*bradpaisley*ahem) I think the music scene needs more ugly people, and less pretty men.

I can’t find any videos of their performance in Raleigh, but I have some here for you from their YouTube channel. These were filmed at the House of Blues in New Orleans, and no offense to the great Cajun Lake People and their waterlogged music scene, but Raleigh totally kicked their asses at enthusiasm. We were tore up from the floor up and we let Mr. Brown know it. (woo hoo!)

First off is their radio single Chicken Fried. It’s a song about all the good and important things in life, and I absolutely love it.

Next we have a song called Different Kind of Fine. This one goes out to the love of my life, Emerald. With the exception of maybe being “country as the day is long” I can say every other lyric in this song fits you to a T baby, and it puts a smile on my face every time I hear it. “Caddilacs and caviar, that ain’t how she Rolls. Implants and tummy tucks, she sure don’t need those.” You’re beautiful darlin, so this one goes out to you. (I’d so be getting laid tonight if we didn’t live so far apart.

And y’all probably all know this one by heart. Certainly one of the most famousest and badassest songs every written or performed. Some say the Devil himself wrote the tune. Others say it was old Charlie. Either way, enjoy.

The Top Ten Music Videos Ever

I’ve got a bone to pick with the music industry and the alleged artists who work for it. My problem is, at the moment, with the insane amount of crappy music videos that are being produced. Actually, that really applies to the entire music industry, as well as all other media, but let’s just stick to music videos for today. I have to believe that I’m not the only guy out there who thinks that MTV sucks. They used to be cool when they played music, but now they suck. However after watching a few hours of music videos the other week, I realized that even if they did play music, they would still suck. Why is this? Because music videos are by and large collosal pieces of shit.

I could rant and rave all day long about the many, many, many reasons that the music industry has been spoon feeding us sorry ass BS for our whole lives, but instead of focusing on the negative side of the issue (cause let’s be real, everyone knows it’s true if they stop and think about it) I decided to put together a definitive list of the best music videos that have ever been conceived.

I have worked on this post for two(ish) weeks, and have searched the internet high and low to bring you my list. I carefully searched through multiple top 100 music video lists, through books and magazines, and checked out the marijuana enthusiast forums across the globe. I have seen hundreds and hundreds of music videos. I’ll tell you this though, I figured finding ten really good videos would be easy, but I had no idea how much good stuff is out there that I had forgot, or just never heard of. I’ve found dozens of new artists I like that I had never heard before I started this. And when it came time to pick my ten I had a really tough time narrowing it down. I found a shit ton of good videos, and I will definitely be doing this again. I excluded Thriller, and I Believe in a Thing Called Love because I already threw them up on this blog, and everyone knows those are the coolest music videos ever anyway. And there is no way I could really pick the top ten of all time,

so, here we go, in no particular order besides my personal preference which is always correct, I present to you the …

(my) TOP TEN MUSIC VIDEOS EVER RIGHT NOW

10 – Rob Dougan: Clubbed to Death

What does it mean? Is he traveling backwards through time, or is he ascending to another level of consciousness? Is he trying to prevent a disaster, or is he showing the way for the little girl as she begins her own transformation? I don’t know whether this music video was made before or after the Matrix, but the similarities are obvious. Not that I care, running through slow-motion-backward-people, fast enough to set a damn road on fire is cool enough for me. Not to mention the power of explosion-flight.

9) My Chemical Romance: The Black Parade

Ok, I admit, My Chemical Romance is one of my guilty pleasures. I know they’re emo, so what, Freddie Mercury was gay too, and he still rocked. I thought the whole song was expertly put together into the kind of massive production that made Pink Floyd and Metallica famous. That damn hook at the beginning has been stuck in my head for days and days. In fact, My Chemical Romance routinely makes excellent videos for their music, and this video had a really great concept behind it. A father gives his son the destiny of being a leader for “the broken, the beaten and the damned”, and at the end of his life he gets greeted by a parade of the dead, there to celebrate his life, give him a medal as their savior, and lead him into the afterlife. Or maybe it was just the kick ass skeleton vest uniforms, or Gerard Way’s blatantly homoerotic face.

8 ) Green Day: Warning

Two words: fucking hilarious. Running with scissors, staring at the sun, putting yoru head right next to the microwave, eating raw meat. What true bachelor hasn’t done all these things. If it were possible to giggle in a manly way, this video would make me do it. Screw safety, and screw following the rules, and screw authority. Except mine.

7) The Avalanches: Frontier Psychiatrist

This one is a brain ninja. At first you might not completely grasp how incredibly kick ass it is, but later, maybe tomorrow, it will jump back in your head, and you won’t be able to think about anything else. And how cool was that old man-turtle? or the ghost choir? Or the friggin monkey dancing with the bird? Very my friends, it was very cool.

6) Fatboy Slim: Praise You

It’s got dancing retards. I shouldn’t have to explain why this is awesome. But for those of you who are wondering why I didn’t use Weapon of Choice, since Christopher Walken dancing through the air in a hotel is clearly the coolest thing ever? Well it’s because I mentioned this video to Emerald and she said she didn’t like it because it made her uncomfortable, and whenever I have the opportunity to make people as jaded as Em uncomfortable with retards, I take it.

5) The White Stripes: Seven Nation Army

Ok, if you’re on drugs, and you really should be before you read this blog, this video kicks a lot more ass, but it still rocks even without the psychotropics. In fact the White stripes as a whole kick ass. Frankly, not many people can do as much with two people and three colors. Plus they like Conan O’Brian, and Meg White is hawt! Here the White stripes ask you what could be cooler than black and red triangles of exploding rock poses? A seven nation army made of fucking skeletons, that’s what. They thought silhouettes were cool before iPod and Frank Miller did. Chew on that bitches.

Editors note: Meg White is only hot when she is really dolled up. Apparently without makeup she magically transforms into Janis Joplin’s much uglier sister who smashes walls down with her face.

4) The Gorillaz: Clint Eastwood

Dude, cartoon zombie gorillas, with a Thriller reference, for real. And for those of you who don’t know, this song is about weed. Not just the sunshine in a bag part, the whole damn song. Back in the day I sat and broke down every single verse of the song, and every frame of animation, and compiled it into one giant summary explaining how this song was all about pot and how awesome it is. Sadly, I lost my copy over the years, but I might try and explain it to you one day. For now trust me when I say that people who use cartoon zombie gorillas in their music videos probably smoke a lot of it.

3) Junior Senior: Move your feet

I dare you to match this music video and not start dancing. It’s impossible, it’s just too much fun. Not to mention, I totally want a button in my house, which when pressed will summon a singing, dancing robot. Also, here’s fun, gather the whole family around the computer, just like the old timey pilgrims did, and play an old Baptist game called “count the sexual euphemisms”.

2) The Chemical Brothers: Get Yourself High

If this video hasn’t kicked your ass straight into a multiple eyegasm by the time you see the boom box, you should just stop whatever you’re doing, and check your pulse to make sure you aren’t dead. And not cool dead, like a zombie, or a vampire, or a ghost, but lame dead, like Hootie’s music career. It’s a friggin kung fu movie man, with genius special effects. This is actually the video that inspired this whole post. I want to chop this video into fine powder, then mix it with coke and gunpowder, light it on fire, and inject it straight into my balls, because surely I would grow forty feet (taller) and become some kind of warlord with a harem of flexible, energetic, and wildly experimental nymphos.

#1) Muse: Knights of Cydonia

Holy, hell damn, shit fire, that’s without a doubt the fuckin coolest music video that has ever been made, ever. I can’t even begin to describe what was so cool about it, because as soon as I think of one scene, I get a huge boner, and all the adrenaline in my body is released at once, and I start jumping around filled with the holy ghost and transform into a fucking cowboy who knows karate, has a laser gun, and bangs how women by kicking their ass at games of chance, then letting them slap me till they’re naked, then rescues them from filthy law men at the gallows by shooting the law with laser ricochets that kill you 70’s style, then rides into the sunset past a robot on a fuckin motocross bike. Everything else on earth is lame compared to this music video, and now that I’ve seen it, I can die happy.

So anyway, that’s my top ten pick for right now, what are your favorite music videos?

Noise Therapy

I moved yesterday. Things changed and I couldn’t stay back at Nate and Sami’s house anymore, so I spent Saturday packing all my crap, washing all my clothes, and moving it from their house back to my ‘rents house. I’m not super siked about living here again, I would really like to live … anywhere else, but I got myself stuck up shit creek without a paddle and now I have to accept the financial repercussions and deal with it until I pay for all my legal misfortune and save up enough to buy a tent and move out behind the WalMart or wherever is cheap.So I’m sick as a dog, feeling ass-tastic, and I had to spend the whole day moving. It’s not really that bad because I only own enough stuff to fill one room. I can fit everything I own in one car load, and the bed of a standard F150, so it’s a one trip affair as long as I get everything packed well. But when I got over here my little brother, who just moved out, had left this gigantic monster desk in my room, and we had to get it out. This involved taking the door off it’s hinges, flipping the fucker on it’s side, and waddling slowly out into the hall and down the stair. Several migrant workers were killed in the desk move, and I would like to request a moment of silence for their families who are now fatherless, and will be deported back to their countries of origin since without a man to work for me they are all useless and I reported them to INS.

This desk, besides being gigantic, was heavier than a mother fucker. No joke, it had to weigh all of three hundred pounds. And we had to carry it down stairs. I shudder at the thought. I’m pretty sure the side I got, which was the top side, was made of solid lead, or possibly adamantium, I’m not sure. But it was heavier than wood. Much heavier.

So towards the end of the move I got a call from my good friends Rachael and Kenny. Much like Jesus would have done, they invited me out to a heavy metal show in Raleigh for some noise therapy. And I really needed to get out of the house and do something fun. See I just started alcohol treatment classes (post coming soon) and they are on Thursday nights, which means no more thirsty Thursday for eight weeks. This rehab shit is a real buzz kill.

But back to the metal, we went to this metal bar called Volume 11, and they weren’t joking. I can say in confidence that noise was brought, and volume was delivered. I still can’t hear very well and my ears have been ringing loudly since I woke up. They rocked so loud I could feel it in my dick. There were plenty of long haired metal heads and sexy ass rock and roll bunnies. One of my friends is dating a drummer, and his band was headlining, so a bunch of people I know were there. I had fun.

First of all, since all my crap is packed up, I had to skip the traditional metal head uniform. The only black t-shirt I could find was a Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt, and I didn’t want to be the Skynyrd guy at the metal show, so I went with my TP shirt instead. It’s got a roll of toilette paper, and it says “That’s how I roll.” I love it. Plus it gives me an excuse to say it all the time. (yeah, I a total dork. I know. That’s how I roll) When we got there, there was this grumpy lesbian bartender who couldn’t remember what I was drinking all night. (no tip bitch) And I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but my lady friends are really really hot. I mean, most of the dudes I hang out with are ugly as sin, but for some reason, my crowd has ridiculously attractive women in it. I’m not sure how that works, but I like it. Eye candy is sweeter than ambrosia.

The first band was lame. Very very lame. I died a little inside because of how retardedly lame they were. But they did jump around a lot, which made it slightly more entertaining to watch. And the bass player was swinging his bass around like a mad man, and I couldn’t help but wish that he would fuck up and drill the singer in the face on accident. Now that would have been a kick ass show. Also I found some humorous irony in the fact that there were probably a hundred white people in black shirts, and the one black guy in the joint had on a white shirt. It made me smile. The singer made out with one of the gargoyles on top of the speaker towers. It wasn’t nearly as cool as it sounds.

But they suffered from a lot of the same problems that most crappy local metal bands have. Their singer couldn’t sing at all, so he just growled and screamed with no melody. I’m sorry if you like that kind of shit, but if you don’t have any melody in your vocals, then pack up and go home cause there’s nothing for you here but my scorn. Don’t get me wrong, I love the growling and screaming, but not without melody to balance it out. If you look at any good metal band, even the really heavy ones, there is always melody in the vocals. Sing dammit! Sing you stupid growling no talent bastards.

The second band was different. There was none of the stage show that the first band had, but in it’s place was a little something I like to call talent. Plus all the guys in the band were really big, so you can tell they were cooler than the first guys, even from a distance. (big = cool) (except for Ronnie James Dio and that dude from Iron Maiden, who were tiny and still rocked the Casbah) But nothing very memorable from the second band either. I do remember that during their set I had to drain the snake, so I headed to the John. But instead of weaving through the crowd like usual, I got stuck behind this crippled guy. He had those cane-brace things, like Jimmy from South Park. So I had to walk all the way across the establishment, incredibly slowly, and try not to look conspicuous. It was weird. So when we got to the bathroom, which was gigantic and clean by the way, I pissed really fast and hoofed it out of there so I didn’t get stuck behind him again. And yes, I washed my hands.

The third band was a weird mix. There were two lead growlers this time, and neither one really seemed to be using any kind of actual words or language. Just screams. And not really in any pattern that might indicate their screams were planned out to go with the music. Just random nonsensical screaming. I could have shat out better vocals. But their drummer was kick ass. He was tearing it up. The guitar player seemed like he was holding back some, that is until I realized he was deformed and only had three fingers on each hand. And between the ninja turtle hands (yes I know they only had two fingers on each hand) and his freaky mongoloid face, he was instantly bad ass.

After that there was a band with a bass player who looked like Screech from Saved by the Bell. Not much else to tell about them. And last of all came the headlining band. I’m not going to mention them by name, because I thought they sucked, and I don’t want to piss off my friends. What I am going to say is a little bit about the fashion of different scenes. I really don’t care much about fashion. You can wear whatever you want for the most part and I probably won’t notice or care. But there are a few rules for heavy metal fashion that need to be addressed. More like anti fashion rules.

Let’s just start with what I thought was common knowledge: no fucking hair product. If you are a dude, don’t style your hair. You know what I think when I see a guy who styles his hair? I think he probably enjoys sucking dick, that’s what I think. Grow it long, cut it short, do whatever, but for the love of God, please don’t imitate Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. This rule also applies to tight/pre-faded and/or ripped jeans. Just stop it people. Guys shouldn’t wear girl pants. Emo bitches do it because they suck, and you don’t want to suck do you? Get some normal jeans like every other guy on the planet, and wear them until they are faded and ripped up. This may take several years, but that’s what you have to do. And there’s no law that says jeans need to be faded or ripped at all. Just put on a random pair of pants and go play some fucking music. No one cares what you have on except you slutty girlfriend and her desperate groupie friends, so just stop trying so damn hard.

Also, don’t wear dress clothes when you are playing rock and roll. It’s not ironic. You just look like a dip shit. Pretty much anything with a collar is out. No fucking ties. This isn’t the office. Also those faggy Kevin Federline hats. I don’t know when exactly these became cool, but it needs to end. Especially hats with plaid. Plaid does not belong on your head you trendy cunt. Same thing for those rapper sunglasses. You know those big ass retarded ones that P. Diddy and Kanye West wear. Don’t wear them. Ever. And I know it’s heavy metal and all, but I distinctly remember a time (back in the day, aka high school) when girls would occasionally die their hair something besides jet black. Somebody please bust out some blue or red or pink. Purple even, I don’t care, but black is getting old.

And that was my night. It was fun. Rock and Roll is not dead, it’s just kind of boring and lacking in talent. Tell me what you did this weekend. Did you wrestle aligators? Did you rape and pilliage? I’m sure you did something exciting, and I want to hear it. So pony up already.