Category Archives: television

2016 Race to the White House

Early campaign polling decided today that Donald Trump will be our next president, a full year and a half before we had to go to elections. I guess the only question is if Trump-care will cover the cost of the therapy we will need after 5.5 years of conspiracy theories and smear campaigns, which begins tomorrow with coverage of the 2016 presidential race. (But as is my way, I have begun coverage even more prematurely than other networks because I know America, and if there’s one thing we never get sick of, it’s pointless bickering and hearing me talk and elections) Early polling suggests Al Gore’s spirit medium leading for the libs and a life size printout of the Monopoly Man for the GOP.

Rush Limbaugh dropped a bomb on his listeners when he formally endorsed the medium after discovering he was actually richer and whiter than his cartoon counterpart, but only convinced 18% of his audience to abandon their pre-fabricated political opinions if favor of his new insights because 82% of them fell asleep while waiting for their nurses to bring them more butterscotch hard candies and a fresh oxygen tank. Rachel Maddow on the other hand set a new world record for witty and poignant comments in a five minute news segment which probably would have raised America’s collective consciousness and beckoned us into a glorious new era of utopian values and world peace, but unfortunately only John Stewart’s interns saw any of it because she works at the bottomless pit of boredom more commonly known as MSNBC.

Among the many hot topics for this campaign is the dreary economy. With headlines telling the sad tale of the last home in America being foreclosed on, and unemployment up this month to 732%, many folks on main street are wondering just where to look for help with their financial woes. The Monopoly Man’s plan for rekindling the sweet flame of American excess and wealth lies in a savvy combination of burning poor people to power new military bases and overseeing nigh-omnipotent corporations with what he has titled, “the honor system”. In a strange twist of irony the progressive candidate countered the Monopoly Man with his new plan to print worthless money but make it more colorful so nobody would realize he wants to spend six times the net profits of Earth on additional welfare benefits which would reward the uneducated for having as many children as possible, and set aside significant funding for a massive ad campaign pleading with voters to both forget how math works and ignore the fact that nobody gives a crap about the underlying social problems that cause multiple-generation poverty cycles in the first place.

Meanwhile in San Francisco, the spirit medium had to drop out of the race completely to spend his days tazering joggers and bikers who carelessly stomp around the trails of his local park where he was pretty sure he saw an endangered lizard last week. Sources close to him suspect a nervous breakdown due to his realization that wind energy might be causing global air stagnation due to the exploitation of free range wind by windmills. Many American socialists hope the spirit medium will be replaced in the race by Anderson Cooper’s Twitter account, but it only leads by three points, followed closely by the general inability of the left to congeal into an effective political unit or agree on anything ever. Conservatives have taken all of this as a sign that American Jesus is on their side in this election, and are super excited that he will obviously be backing their holy war against the ignorant and violent Muslim jihadists.

This has been a Broken News Update, for MSFOX, this is Josh wishing you all good luck and good grief with the coming election.

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More Like the Blowlympics

So my woman decided to write a post about how hating the Olympics doesn’t mean you aren’t patriotic, and since I haven’t felt very inspired to write anything for a few years or so, I figured I’d like to get in on that. Despite the fact that Torontonians apparently feel not supporting the Olympics is unpatriotic, I don’t know anyone around here who likes them. True, most of my friends are alcoholics, criminals, and white trash, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t a legitimate representation of everyone in America. Let’s quickly review the basics shall we?

1) The Olympics are boring. Watching them is like watching reruns of CSPAN. I would rather do chores around the house wearing a suit of fiberglass insulation than watch the Olympics. I would rather listen to Rosanne and Fran Drescher argue about yesterday’s episode of the View than watch the Olympics.

2) Almost all Olympic sports, challenging as they may be, are not spectator sports. Everyone knows figure skating sucks. Ski jumping may be scary, but if you see one jump you’ve pretty much got the idea. If you’re a dick like me and you enjoy people wrecking badly, it almost never happens. (Too soon for a luger pun?) Even the relatively exciting sports of BMX or Karate are still way lamer than watching a non-Olympic version like the X-Games or the UFC.

3) What the hell is bandy? I realize I live in a warm climate and ice sports aren’t popular, but seriously? The same thing goes for basque pelota, korfball, and boules. I may be an ignorant American, but I would argue that sports shouldn’t even be considered for a world tournament unless they are popular in more than two countries. What’s next, life saving? Oh wait, that’s an Olympic sport too. Being a lifeguard is NOT a sport, I don’t care how many boobs were on Bay Watch.

So now that I have irrefutably proven that the Olympics generally blow, let’s move on to how that applies to me being patriotic. Let me first start by explaining that I’m not patriotic in the traditional sense of actually being loyal to my country. Here are just a few things I hate about America: everyone who runs it, guidos, Fox News, people who insist America is the best country in the world without knowing anything about the world, the fact that Top Gear is filmed somewhere else, and public service announcements. (Seriously, shut up Hollywood)

However, this doesn’t mean there aren’t a ton of great things that have come out of America that I enjoy taking credit for when talking to foreigners. So if you think I’m unpatriotic, well fuck you. Here’s a list of amazing shit I or someone related to me probably were responsible for.

Look at this guy!

Grizzly Adams: He tamed fucking bears. I can only assume he settled for grizzly bears in the absence of wild dragons. Also he owned one of the coolest coat-beard combos in the history of mankind.

Rock and Roll: While the debate over who technically invented rock and roll is one that will never be agreed upon, (see Beatles vs Elvis if you’re an idiot) the fact remains that America has contributed a lot to Rock and Roll over the years. And while lots of my favorite bands are not home grown, a whole lot of them are. Skynyrd, Aerosmith, Van Halen, Metallica, Motley Crue, Guns N’ Roses, Disturbed, Green Day, Sublime, 311, Rage Against the Machine; the list goes on and on but I’m tired of copying crap from Wikipedia. The point is that without downplaying the contribution of the rest of the world, we’ve done some face melting rocking over the years.

The Ultimate Fighting Championship: I don’t give a flying crap where martial arts come from, the UFC is a great American institution. I was always bored with sports (like the Olympics) and never enjoyed playing or watching any until I experienced mixed martial arts in an octagon fence/cage. If you haven’t seen it and have a penis, please fix one or the other. That crap is the shit. Who doesn’t like insane men willingly (or unwillingly) jumping in a cage and beating the life blood out of each other? Pussies, that’s who, and pussies stink.

Suck it world.

Man on the Moon: Face it, it was a race, to the moon, and we won. I don’t care if the USSR cloned a dinosaur/minotaur beast and puts a damn army of them on the moon, we still got a man there first, and that’s damn cool. Next race, put a man on the sun. If any country can beat us there Niel Armstrong will look like Pauly Shore if he hadn’t made Biodome. (You know that shit was funny, don’t even lie. Unless you never smoked weed, and then it probably wasn’t funny, but that’s your own fault not his)

Porn: After a lengthy break from blogging I’m back to report the ol’ USA produces more porn than any other country on earth. (I didn’t happen across any provable facts during my break, so sue me) If Faith up there can’t give you a few great reasons why porn is awesome, then I sure as hell can’t explain it in a way you will understand. If that is the case think of it like physics, and then just understand I’m pretty much Einstein when it comes to this topic. (That’s why I’m on the internet instead of out there in real life somewhere.)

Anheuser-Bush: The number one seller of beer on the planet. Sure there are a lot of other companies and countries that make much better beer, but that doesn’t change a thing. They actually are the king of beers. For all you beer snobs out there, there’s a reason such watery swill is dominating the planet. Poor people like drinking too, and for the price they actually deliver a good quality beverage. Also a little known fact about Budweiser for all you Heineken fans out there: if you accidentally leave a Budweiser under your car seat in the middle of the dog days of summer for three days and it doesn’t explode from the heat, it tastes exactly like Heineken. It’s probably not safe to drink, but I did once and it was delicious once I got it chilled down.

As you can see America has a lot of great things I enjoy, unfortunately none of them are on the Olympics. While it is true that one great thing about our country is that everyone except the Tea Party people usually make room for other folks to enjoy things they don’t support, the fact remains that the Olympic Games are exactly like the state of the union address, no matter how important it’s supposed to be, it’s still not as good as the regularly scheduled programming. That’s what highlight reels are for.

The New World Order Games

So you know that one topic every blogger everywhere has complained about at least once? I know you do, the dreaded “too busy to blog for a while” syndrome. I gots it. Or I has’d it, whatever, I’m not an English major OK? I’ve had a wicked case of real life distractions keeping me busy. And not even cool ones like partying a lot over the Labor day weekend (sike) but more like really ass-chappy ones such as working overitime way too much and keeping up with one’s own personal responsibilities like laundry, cleaning, studies, and porn. Although the porn wasn’t really ass-chappy for me so much as all those lovely ladies in the adult entertainment industry.

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I'll take some of that vice now Mrs. Palin

Sadly enough, even having been retardedly busy, and not being able to be the total web addict, stat-whore, ass-sitter-onner I’ve dreamt of being since those days of yore when I was supposed to be paying attention in Sunday school, I’ve still had time to get really annoyed with everything going on in the world. I’m not even talking about politics people. (Although I will say that milf from Alaska who looks like Tina Fey needs to seriously think of running for Vice President of my balls, cause even if she’s spitting out retards she’s still hot as hell, and if this wasn’t already a run on sentence wildly out of control I’d fit in some oval office joke, but you get my drift) The thing that’s been giving me nervous ticks every time I turn on the television is the friggin Olympics.

With their retarded costumes, five dumb circles printed on everything, and idiotic location. Grrrrrrrrrrr! I hate the Olympics. OK, hate is a strong word. I find the Olympics boring as hell and irrelevant, and wish they would stop taking over every channel on television and the entire internet once every two years. I mean they are over and they’re still all over everything. Could they not find a shittier place to hold them than Beijing? Was Chernobyl taken? What about Skull island? On second thought, that would kind of rock, but that’s not the point. China sucks, there, I said it. Nobody moves to China, cause it’s a shitty place to live. It’s smoggy, and evil empirey, and chock full of SARS, and bird flu, and three foot women shouting the shrillest language on earth at the top of their lungs as if completely incapable of comprehending inside voices with their eastern logic. That’s why there are Chinese food restaurants on every block in the Western world, because anyone with any skill whatsoever gets out as soon as they can.

Any skill that is besides training their twelve year old daughters to flip around like fruity ninjas with hula hoops and jump ropes. (and making our toys of course) Good lord, I had to watch about thirty minutes of one of those gymnastics events where they randomly bust moves around this big ass padded square holding random objects. I mean throwing a hula hoop up to the ceiling and catching it is cool, but I did that in friggin middle school, albiet poorly, and I just don’t consider it a real sport. I’m sorry. It’s not. Not even if you’re wearing a flamboyant onesie with feathers and scale-looking-sequin patterns.

This is a circus act, not a sport.

This is a circus act, not a sport.

Many of the events weren’t actually sports in my opinion. Anything with a judge for instance. Jumping real far or high, that’s a sport. Running or swimming real fast is a sport. I would say fighting is a sport, but I don’t like judges to be involved in who wins. Hurling things real far, meh, alright I’ll give it to you. lifting heavy things, sure. But not twirling ribbons or swinging around on bars. That’s bull shit. Diving is total crap. Water polo is a sport, but it’s so dumb that nobody cares. Simply being difficult doesn’t make something an Olympic event in my opinion.

So I got to thinking, what should be in the Olympics. What would I want to see. I mean, surely if we’re going to include dumb shit that’s judged on opinion, then we can come up with more interesting events than gymnastics! Here’s how the Olympics would go down if I were in charge:

First of all hold them somewhere cooler, like Vegas, or Amsterdam. Or have them all in a haunted mental hospital, like the one they filmed the House on Haunted Hill in. (the remake) Second, less retarded unitards, more topless ladies! And not the Chinese twelve year olds or those hairy, mannish, fanged boner killers from Eastern Europe. I’m thinking more along the lines of at least the women’s volleyball teams. I mean that sport is already basically Olympic camel toe. And if we can’t find super hot chicks to play on the teams, then they have to bring buxom, morally bankrupt college coeds from their respective countries to act as ring girls for each event. While I’m on it, Olympic pole dancing sounds pretty cool. Or take it one step farther and have Olympic kegels and Olympic bukake.

In the Olympics, you get pumped full of Astroglide, and these are made of lead.

In the Olympics, you get pumped full of Astroglide, and these are made of lead.

Beer should be a main focus of the games. Nothing brings a bunch of random strangers from all over the world together quite like booze. Beer pong would be an obvious choice, as well as quarters, chugging, keg stands, and bar top wet t-shirt contests. In fact, a lot of games would be a lot cooler if a certain chemical level were manditory before every event. I’m talking drunken bowling, beer chugging track relays, and drunken javelin. Make that javelin catching. Or how about an even where you have to get really high and watch Grandma’s Boy without laughing. Greco Roman wrestling is way too homoerotic, let’s change that to alligator wrestling and thumb wrestling.

There should be some sort of giant robot fights, although Japan would clearly be the winner. It would just be cool to see what kind of crazy shit they can build when they put their minds to it. And in the same veign of violent sports, in celebration if China shitting all over that hippie country witht he llama, there should be Olympic protestor ass-kicking. (that would be professional MMA fighters kicking protesters asses, not the other way around) Perhaps even cage fighting with bears, or gorillas, or midgets. In fact, take all the protestors, not just from the Olympics but in general, and have them all duke it out gladiator style in melee death matches with animals and robots and boobie traps all combined. There would be no medals, but I think everyone would win that event.

Competitive eating should be in the Olympics. I know it’s horribly gluttonous and disgusting, but I love it. In fact, there should be an Olympic comittee to have an entire series of new games designed for the seven deadly sins. Sloth would be challenging to make interesting for viewers, but lust would totally make up for it. (back to my competitive bukake idea) Wrath could be a demolition derby, I enjoy those. Maybe with monster trucks instead of normal junked cars. Greed could just be reruns of the price is right. (with Drew, not Bob, he sucked and annoyed me with his stupid microphone) Envy could just be the rest of the world player hating America like they already do. (oooooooh! Snap! Sick burn!) (not really) So we would lose Envy, but clearly win in Pride. (Too bad jack-assery or political ineptitude aren’t cardinal sins, we’re pretty good a those too)

Like this but with fireworks for the crowd to shoot at the arena.

Like this but with fireworks for the crowd to shoot at the arena.

And then at the end everyone would just build a fake city and film it being blown up along side a montage of the best looking women from around the world dancing to Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue, cause what’s cooler than TNT with T&A. Now that could be on every channel without pissing me off. USA baby! Bring on the pointless global regionalism!

PS – Go to hell Wheaties, you taste like shit.

Commercial revenge. Not original, but still enjoyable.

So I watched the Super Bowl. For those of you who aren’t down with the sickness, aka people who live anywhere besides the USA, the Super Bowl is the final game in the National Football Leagues season. That would be American football, not that soccer crap everyone else has been tricked into watching. I’m not really into football. It’s not nearly violent enough to interest me. Even as a kid I found it boring and I thought the players were pretty wimpy for alleged professional athletes. But since I’m a man, I am pretty much duty bound to watch at least the Super Bowl, even if I ignore the rest of the season.

I didn’t go to a party or anything. None of my friends were very excited about it this year. So I went over to Nate and Sami’s house to chill and eat and drink and be generally merry. I would like to say that I have found it gastrointestinally inadvisable to try and limit your diet to Super Bowl food for more than one meal, two at most. I ate nothing but wings, seven layer dip, chips, and beer for two days. I’ve become well acquainted with my porcelain buddy in the water closet. I’ve got a scary story about ass blood, but I’ll spare you this time.

So New York won, everyone already knows this. I didn’t really care. I will say that the commercials, while not as good as some years, were still pretty damn good. GoDaddy.com still keeps trying to get people to give a fuck about whatever it is that they do, but no one does, cause their commercials are lame. And of course, Bud Light had the funniest overall campaign. I’m going to go ahead and give you my favorite ad of all. This decision may or may not have been influenced by large quantities of alcohol and tetrahydrocannabinol, but here it is, the Dorito’s mouse trap commercial.

They’re only 30 seconds long anyway, so go ahead and watch two more if you didn’t already see them. It’s call laughter people, and it’s allegedly the best medicine.*

*Fact not supported by science, or the international medical field.

Notably absent from all Super Bowl ads was the monkey factor. It’s been scientifically proven that people will be four to five thousand times more entertained if there is a monkey in your commercial, and that number increases if you dress up the monkey. Case in point, the nefarious trunk monkey. Possibly the most kick ass commercial series ever created. Even better than the Budweiser iguanas, frogs, ferret, Clydesdale’s, dalmatians, or Real Men of Genius. They were and are at least as awesome as midgets in kung fu flicks. Check them out, now mofo.

And now for something completely different. I was starting my work day yesterday and my boss told me to remove a toilet so we could tear out some tile in a bathroom. Well, I had to crap first, and when I was done I headed into the trailer. I smelled a funk in the air and momentarily wondered if I had farted or wiped poorly, and then I opened the bathroom door. What greeted me was the foulest stench you can imagine. Some ass hole prick had left a present in the crapper, with no water. My coworkers had a good laugh as I stifled my gags and squeezed down next to the source of the smell and spent the next few moments simultaneously unbolting the toilet and cussing the shit out of everyone in ear shot. So I bought some stink bombs that afternoon at the local gas station. I got my revenge by smashing three of those ass nasty vials in the room I knew my buddy would be working in for the next few hours. Imagine rotten eggs and fart, and you’d be close. I thought we were even.

Today I stuck my knife in the wall and headed to the next room to fix some holes in the front door. Whilst I was preoccupied, my buddy heated up my knife with a mapp gas torch. When I came back I grabbed my knife and promptly gave myself first degree burns. Nothing too bad, but I hollered something awful and threw the knife across the room. I would have been pissed, but it was actually really clever and hysterical. He got me good, I never even suspected it. But now he’s got it coming big time. I’m talking, trick him into watching a tape of me banging his sister type revenge. Well maybe not, that’s a bit harsh, and his sister might be ugly as hell since she’s related to him, but I’m going to find something to get him really really good. If anyone has any ideas for sweet practical joke revenge, let me know. I’m thinking something along the lines of home made itching powder or laxatives. Maybe something to get cayenne in his eyes or something so gross he vomits all over the place. No mercy people, what’s the most evil prank you know of? In fact, even if you don’t have a prank, I’d just like to hear some interesting work related storied to make me laugh. Tell me something funny that happened to you at work, if you have the time.

Speaking of work, if any of you remember my brother Nate’s campaign for employee of the year, he lost. After three recounts they had a secret anonymous voting system, in which he cheated, and he still lost, so he knows the voting is complete bull shit and it was rigged the whole time. I’m sure it won’t stop him from campaigning even harder next year.

Parents: keeping psychotic fears alive and well in the new millenium.

Wow. I just finished watching a Frontline report titled Growing up Online. It delved into the various aspects of a generation who’s always had the internet and the various dangers they face in a new digital world. All the old familiar fears that the media has been bellowing at the top of their lungs since the first high school kid logged onto the first chat room back before social networking sites ruled the planet. Will your kid leak photos that make them look like the jackass they are? Will they find porn and become weirdos who make the Jergens stock skyrocket in value? Will predators find your kid, become obsessed with them and abduct them to take back to their kiddie porn dungeons? Can the internet make your kid worship Satan and commit suicide while binging and purging, drinking underage, and breaking national copyright laws?

It was basically an entire hour of conservative suburban parents freaking out for no reason. And I stayed to watch every second. Now there were some good points about safety on the internet. One kid ended up hanging himself because he was being bullied, online and off, and he hooked up with another suicidal kid who basically showed him online tutorials for how to kill yourself, and even encouraged him to end everything. That sucks. I’m sure that is a devastating event in any parents life. But the internet was at most a catalyst for a depressed kid with serious problems he was trying to deal with. The problem wasn’t that there are sites that show you how to kill yourself. The problem is that the kids in his school were making his life a living hell, and no one stood up for him. Life’s a bitch.

Likewise, an anorexic girl who went online to network with other anorexic females. She found sites promoting and glamorizing eating disorders, and lots of other people who had the same baggage she had. The internet did not cause this. Neither did television. The fact is that our entire society is pretty fucked up. Every kid faces a mountain of pressure and stress that other generations just plain didn’t experience. Going through high school almost all my friends were fucked in the head one way or another. If they weren’t raped or molested as kids, then they burned and cut themselves. If they didn’t have an eating disorder, their parents beat them. Everyone got bullied. Everyone got picked on and treated like shit. Not just a few loners, the vast majority. And trying to blame these things on the internet is not only retarded as hell, but it completely ignores the actual source of the problems: real life bull shit.

Guess what, I’ve got problems too. I suffer from depression. I have a serious drinking problem. I’m socially awkward and insecure and I poke my fat in the mirror just like everyone else. And I have to deal with my shit without going overboard just like everyone else. But none of my problems have jack shit to do with the internet.

The best part of the program though was when they interviewed this suburban PTA mom from Jersey. I felt so sorry for her kids. She was overbearing and overprotective in a way that truly creeped me out. She only allowed one computer in the house, and it was in the kitchen, where she could hover and watch as her kids tried to surf the net and talk to their friends in peace. And she had the balls to get pissed about the fact that they were shutting her out. Maybe this will explain why.

One of her sons went to a concert at Madison Square Gardens with a bunch of his friends. While they were out, a lot of the students got wasted. There was photos and video posted on MySpace the next day, and some vigilant asshole let the Nazi Mom know about it. She was appalled. There were kids passed out, and kids puking, and kids generally having a kick ass time going to a concert with their friends in NYC. So this bitch sends an email to every parent in the school. Mayhem ensues, and now her kids accuse her of ruining their high school lives. And she’s all choked up because they are shutting her out. Well no shit Sherlock. You think that helped them get along better with the people they have to see every day? You know what happens to narcs in school? Bitches get stitches, that what.

Maybury doesn’t exist. Leave it to Beaver is not how America is, never really was. Kids drink now. Kids do shit you didn’t do, or maybe did do and don’t want to admit. My parents think they know all about how my life is because they listened to the Who and smoked weed while their parents were still listening to Pat Boone and Harry Bellafonte. But quite frankly I’ve done and seen things they never even had to think about when they were young. I’m not always proud of what I’ve done, I honestly have done some rotten, gnarley, dangerous, rebellious shit. But partying and rebelling doesn’t make you a bad kid. It makes you a normal kid questioning the values you’ve been presented in life.

Now her kids won’t even get online at their own home because their mom is so controlling, they can’t even have a private conversation with their friends. All this in the name of internet safety and parental responsibility? Fuck that. Her kids aren’t ten years old. They are in their late teens. Not babies, but half grown adults. You can’t force an adolescent kid to let you listen in on every phone conversation, read every email, and let you shake it off when they take a piss. Of course they will shut you out of their life. You’re fucking it up. Teens need some freedom to become individuals. Restricting their personal freedom will only make them push you and your psychotic rules out of their life, or worse, stunt their social development so much that you have adult children running around asking mommy to help them with everything. Double fuck that.

And when the kids were interviewed, they pretty much said their mom was a fucking idiot. Every single kid they talked to said they knew not to tell people where they lived. Every single one said they deleted and blocked creepy sexual advances. And you know if even one kid had admitted to talking to predators online, they would have put it in the program, because fear sells. Even the experts they interviewed agreed that the threat of predators online has been blown out of proportion. They said that in most of their studies, there was much less sexual advances than they expected. And in addition to that, most of the advances were not the sort of creepy big fat hairy guy in a basement that people associate with internet predators. Mostly it was the nineteen year old hitting on the seventeen year old, which honestly shouldn’t be against the law anyway. Not that I want to hook up with young chicks, but honestly, a two year difference is not a big deal. In fact, in my state, it isn’t illegal. The age of consent is sixteen, with a four or five year age difference limit until you turn 18 and become a legal adult.

But forget my legal tangent. My point is that I understand that there are dangers online. I know this. But I also know that if you just explain this shit to your kids, they will probably protect themselves very well. The internet has created a generation gap even wider than the previous ones. People no longer have to keep their families in the loop. Kids can log on and tune out their parents while interacting with people across the world. My generation is comfortable in a digital world that the previous one is struggling to adapt to. But you gotta trust your kids to know the right thing to do. Kids aren’t stupid. Wait no, kids are stupid, but they know how to behave online so stop flipping out. Just think, you are more likely to crash your car and kill them than they are of being abducted by an online predator*.

(*not actual statistic, conjured from thin air to prove point)

The internet can be a beautiful technology. I know it’s opened up a lot of new things for me. I’ve made friends across the globe. I’ve found new hobbies. I am constantly learning new exciting things about the world that I never would have if it weren’t for the internet. I am probably going to make a career working on the internet one day. So mothers, love your kids, but release the strangle hold. It’s really not necessary. Talk to your kids. Find out what’s going on in their life. But don’t smother them or they will turn out like me. They will get pissed and reject everything you’ve ever taught them, eventually sprinting to hell.

***********

I wrote this a few weeks ago and wanted to come back and add a little bit about the general vulgarity of the internet that makes me chuckle every day. Anyone out there who has a WordPress blog (WordPress is the best, switch now) will know about your blog stats. It’s a fun side page that lets you know a little about the traffic you blog is getting. My particular favorite is the “Search Engine Terms” section which shows you all the terms people have somehow used to find your blog. Now for me, almost every visitor I get has come here looking for either drugs and alcohol, or something sexual. Hands down, 95% of my visitors. And this is every single day. I took a screen shot yesterday just to kind of give you an idea.

You’ll notice the only two searches that weren’t about drugs or sex were “retarded daughter”, which is hilarious, and “DONKEYS” which is kind of weird. Hell, just today I got eight hits for “how to put cock in butt without hurting”. Eight freaking hits. Apparently there’s a lot of people out there who have never heard of Crisco. And “how to find weed at burning man”? Really? Try closing your eyes, spinning in a circle, and asking the first person you see if they have some to sell. Odds are they won’t but they will instead dose you on acid and give you a sweet discount on peyote infused X. Dumbass. I’ve kept a list of all the results that stood out for one reason or another. Here’s just a few selections from said list:

“fun to swear”

gas motor vibrations clit

spicy coon/coon pussy

Wendy farts a lot/broccoli farts/donkey fart/shit locker

man accidentally fucking donkey (as if that’s even possible you dip shit)

pwn3d

make someone look like they are on fire

TO TOLERANT WILL BRWNIES GET M HIGH

let me tell you why he should be the emp (a double whammy. Both insanely long for a search and completely nonsensical)

Best stuff to do when high on weed/doctors who smoke weed/how much weed can one person smoke/do vegetarians smoke weed (I don’t know, ask Em)

“baby oil”

real life she hulks

Lost in the Television

So I went to court today and sat there for the entire afternoon. Many many hours. But they were too busy to get to my case today, so it got continued. You see, my last name starts with a letter way at the end of the alphabet. sometimes that’s nice, like when you get seated in the back of a class room. But sometimes, like when you have to wait in court, it is kind of lame. But I was glad today because that means I get to be a free man for the holidays! Woo hoo!

So I went out to celebrate tonight at Thirsty Thursday. But when I got there I was kidnapped to go deliver some pot, and I was gone for a half an hour or so. And when I got back, we only stayed about another hour before Nate and Sami decided they were ready to come home, and having no vehicle of my own (fuck you cops) I had to come back with them. And now they’re watching Lost in the front room, shit I haven’t seen yet, so I have to stay back here and occupy my time. So much for celebration you dream crushing bastards. Oh well, at least we have beer.

So while we were at the bar, I found out that my friend Lennon was in a nasty car wreck yesterday. He got in an accident somehow, and ended up rolling his truck five times. He was all fucked up. And he was supposed to play bongos and sung back up vocals for the live show. I mean, his ankle was all wrapped up, and his hand was swollen to twice the normal size with a cast and shit. It was sick. but he was a total trooper. He tried playing the bongos for a while (aka one song) and it was too painful. So he unwrapped his arm, put the cast on in a different position, took one ace bandage off his leg to pad his left forearm, and played most of his drums with one hand, only playing simple bass notes with his cast. It was awesome.

So anyway, I’m a big fan of the show Lost. I watched the entire first season when it originally aired on TV. But since I’ve been a slave for the last seven years, I missed the second season when it aired. I was washing my masters feet or cleaning out the stables or something, I don’t remember. But if you have ever seen the show, you will know that much like 24 or Heroes, you can’t miss more than one episode without being completely ,well, lost.

But I recently found out that my baby brother had both season two and season three on DVD. So under penalty of death I convinced him to let us borrow them so we could catch up. And for the last four days, both of the TV’s in our house have been airing different seasons simultaneously as I watched season 2 and Nate and Sami watched season 3. And despite the fact that I work a full time job, I have managed to somehow almost finish an entire season in three evenings. That’s a lot of Lost people, a lot.

And in the spirit of my overindulgence, I bring to you, an ode to Lost. Here are a few reasons I like the show, in no particular order. (aka, number of episodes they have appeared in, thank you IMDB)

hot mama

Emilie De Ravin, aka Claire Littleton: Uh, she’s hot, she’s blonde, and as far as I’ve gotten in the show, she currently has no man love on the island. (Edit: nevermind, she’s back with that emo rocker junkie fag) Plus she’s rocking that Australian accent like nobodies business. And she’s had a baby, (in the show) which not only means that she was all sexy preggers for a while, but also means she’s putting out, and qualifies her well for MILF status.

not too shabby not too shabbynot too shabby

Evangeline Lilly, aka Kate Austin: This vixen manages to not only look good fighting in the rain, but also blew up her dad and rode off on a motorcycle. Doesn’t get much more bad ass than that. Plus she was the only character who was actually a prisoner when the plane crashed, which makes her extra hot. I just wish she’d stop flip flopping on how she feels and just pick a guy to hook up with. Do I like Jack? Maybe. But do I like Sawyer? Sort of. Damn, go screw someone already, you don’t have much else to do lady. You’re stranded on an island with a bunch of attractive people. What’s your problem?

porr little rich girl

Maggie Grace, aka Shannon Rutherford: She may be a whiny, spoiled, self centered, rich beyotch, but she’s a hot one. And if memory serves me right, she was hooking up with her step brother at one point, which makes her both kind of gross, and extremely kinky. I’d wrap it up for sure, but this is one wasp I wouldn’t mind getting some honey from. (yes I know, wasps don’t really make honey, but I’m all hopped up on Tylenol PM, so cut me some slack) Unfortunately she’s dead now, thanks to my next hot chick, so bummer and whatnot.

Spicy!

Michelle Rodriguez, aka Anna-Lucia: So she’s been in a million movies and apparently she can only play one character. The incredibly tough but somehow slightly vulnerable bad ass hottie. She makes it a regular habit of kicking peoples asses, mostly men, plus she killed a bunch of people in the show. So apparently sex and violence do go together well. (duh) Hell, she even had sex with Sawyer just to steal his gun, so more power too you, you tasty little chalupa. The downside, she’s a cop. The upside, she lost her job for being too bad ass! The downside, she was shot dead. The upside, it’s Lost man, who knows if she’s dead or not. I’d like to see a zombie Anna-Lucia. I’m just sayin’. Resident Evil 4 anyone?

time for some therapy

Cynthia Watros, aka Libby: She’s a little dumpy, kind of, but she’s also got that natural pretty thing going on. And yes, she may be a shrink, which I hate, but she’s a cool shrink. the sort with boobies and little or no standards. For instance she was about to hook up with Hurley, who despite having a great personality, was also crazy as hell, and fat, and had a jew ‘fro. None of those are attractive traits. Except in my case, cause I do like my women crazy. And I do dig the whole chubby thing. In fact, skinny just isn’t hot at all, eat a sandwich, damn. Anyway, I liked her because she boosted my ego. She made me feel like a crazy, pug ugly dumb ass with a good personality might be able to score with some hot chick, if we were stranded on a (sort of) deserted island with very few eligible men to choose from. Unfortunately she’s dead too, so fuck it all. Why are they killing off all the hot chicks instead of all the dudes? Where are the new hot chicks?

Also, there was an Asian chick, but that’s not really my thing. She was sweet though. And there was this old gnarly jungle lady. She was French. It looked like she might have been hot a long time ago before she was stuck in the jungle running from crazy ass “others” who want to kill her or do tests on her or whatever those weird bastards are up to. (don’t tell me) And there was her daughter, who is sort of evil, but sort of not, and she would be hot, but she looks a bit young, and, well, her nose freaks me out. I’m not into big noses, and hers is a bigguns. Maybe if I were drunk, then she’d be hot. Anyway.

Plus there’s that big ass African dude, Mr. Echo. He’s one scary dude! And that black fog, which is apparently electrical in nature. I have no idea whats going on with that. And whatever happened to all that electromagnetic energy that that chode of a turd mofo who was racing around the world released? where did it go? What did it do? And what’s up with the others? Are they savages? Are they evil scientists? Are they good guys? WTF? And will Mike ever get his come uppins? I’m about to start the third season, and maybe this season holds some of the answers, but I am about to burst with the anticipation.

God I love TV. I want to marry it and have infomercial babies with it. Of course they would air on late night TV, cause I’m just not a prime time guy. Except 24, Heroes, and Lost. And the UFC.