Tag Archives: porn

More Like the Blowlympics

So my woman decided to write a post about how hating the Olympics doesn’t mean you aren’t patriotic, and since I haven’t felt very inspired to write anything for a few years or so, I figured I’d like to get in on that. Despite the fact that Torontonians apparently feel not supporting the Olympics is unpatriotic, I don’t know anyone around here who likes them. True, most of my friends are alcoholics, criminals, and white trash, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t a legitimate representation of everyone in America. Let’s quickly review the basics shall we?

1) The Olympics are boring. Watching them is like watching reruns of CSPAN. I would rather do chores around the house wearing a suit of fiberglass insulation than watch the Olympics. I would rather listen to Rosanne and Fran Drescher argue about yesterday’s episode of the View than watch the Olympics.

2) Almost all Olympic sports, challenging as they may be, are not spectator sports. Everyone knows figure skating sucks. Ski jumping may be scary, but if you see one jump you’ve pretty much got the idea. If you’re a dick like me and you enjoy people wrecking badly, it almost never happens. (Too soon for a luger pun?) Even the relatively exciting sports of BMX or Karate are still way lamer than watching a non-Olympic version like the X-Games or the UFC.

3) What the hell is bandy? I realize I live in a warm climate and ice sports aren’t popular, but seriously? The same thing goes for basque pelota, korfball, and boules. I may be an ignorant American, but I would argue that sports shouldn’t even be considered for a world tournament unless they are popular in more than two countries. What’s next, life saving? Oh wait, that’s an Olympic sport too. Being a lifeguard is NOT a sport, I don’t care how many boobs were on Bay Watch.

So now that I have irrefutably proven that the Olympics generally blow, let’s move on to how that applies to me being patriotic. Let me first start by explaining that I’m not patriotic in the traditional sense of actually being loyal to my country. Here are just a few things I hate about America: everyone who runs it, guidos, Fox News, people who insist America is the best country in the world without knowing anything about the world, the fact that Top Gear is filmed somewhere else, and public service announcements. (Seriously, shut up Hollywood)

However, this doesn’t mean there aren’t a ton of great things that have come out of America that I enjoy taking credit for when talking to foreigners. So if you think I’m unpatriotic, well fuck you. Here’s a list of amazing shit I or someone related to me probably were responsible for.

Look at this guy!

Grizzly Adams: He tamed fucking bears. I can only assume he settled for grizzly bears in the absence of wild dragons. Also he owned one of the coolest coat-beard combos in the history of mankind.

Rock and Roll: While the debate over who technically invented rock and roll is one that will never be agreed upon, (see Beatles vs Elvis if you’re an idiot) the fact remains that America has contributed a lot to Rock and Roll over the years. And while lots of my favorite bands are not home grown, a whole lot of them are. Skynyrd, Aerosmith, Van Halen, Metallica, Motley Crue, Guns N’ Roses, Disturbed, Green Day, Sublime, 311, Rage Against the Machine; the list goes on and on but I’m tired of copying crap from Wikipedia. The point is that without downplaying the contribution of the rest of the world, we’ve done some face melting rocking over the years.

The Ultimate Fighting Championship: I don’t give a flying crap where martial arts come from, the UFC is a great American institution. I was always bored with sports (like the Olympics) and never enjoyed playing or watching any until I experienced mixed martial arts in an octagon fence/cage. If you haven’t seen it and have a penis, please fix one or the other. That crap is the shit. Who doesn’t like insane men willingly (or unwillingly) jumping in a cage and beating the life blood out of each other? Pussies, that’s who, and pussies stink.

Suck it world.

Man on the Moon: Face it, it was a race, to the moon, and we won. I don’t care if the USSR cloned a dinosaur/minotaur beast and puts a damn army of them on the moon, we still got a man there first, and that’s damn cool. Next race, put a man on the sun. If any country can beat us there Niel Armstrong will look like Pauly Shore if he hadn’t made Biodome. (You know that shit was funny, don’t even lie. Unless you never smoked weed, and then it probably wasn’t funny, but that’s your own fault not his)

Porn: After a lengthy break from blogging I’m back to report the ol’ USA produces more porn than any other country on earth. (I didn’t happen across any provable facts during my break, so sue me) If Faith up there can’t give you a few great reasons why porn is awesome, then I sure as hell can’t explain it in a way you will understand. If that is the case think of it like physics, and then just understand I’m pretty much Einstein when it comes to this topic. (That’s why I’m on the internet instead of out there in real life somewhere.)

Anheuser-Bush: The number one seller of beer on the planet. Sure there are a lot of other companies and countries that make much better beer, but that doesn’t change a thing. They actually are the king of beers. For all you beer snobs out there, there’s a reason such watery swill is dominating the planet. Poor people like drinking too, and for the price they actually deliver a good quality beverage. Also a little known fact about Budweiser for all you Heineken fans out there: if you accidentally leave a Budweiser under your car seat in the middle of the dog days of summer for three days and it doesn’t explode from the heat, it tastes exactly like Heineken. It’s probably not safe to drink, but I did once and it was delicious once I got it chilled down.

As you can see America has a lot of great things I enjoy, unfortunately none of them are on the Olympics. While it is true that one great thing about our country is that everyone except the Tea Party people usually make room for other folks to enjoy things they don’t support, the fact remains that the Olympic Games are exactly like the state of the union address, no matter how important it’s supposed to be, it’s still not as good as the regularly scheduled programming. That’s what highlight reels are for.

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Crimes Against Nature, and Other Sunday Morning Kicks

So I was a little vague about my own record, and ended up looking through the law books for a while today. While I was in there I realized there’s a friggin ton of kick ass stuff to do that’s against the law. I mean, everything fun is pretty much against the law. So in the spirit of my criminal founding fathers here in the USA who said fuck the police and bugger the King, I present to you my list of crimes I want to commit before I die. Crank up ACDC in your stolen cars and kiss your cousins y’all, it’s crime time on the highway to hell!

§ 14-8 Rebellion against the State: Who doesn’t want to one day be part of a rebellion that overthrows the shitty ass government we have now and starts fresh with a clean slate. Screw all these sweet ass laws I want to break, lets start with the one that ends them all!

§ 14‑12.3. Certain secret societies prohibited: As defined by the law, any secret political, military, or any other society aimed at violating or circumventing the law. I just love the sound of that, sign me up please. It would be like an actual black market with discount membership cards and everything. You can bet I’d be hitting up the produce, the pharmacy, and the hardware section, but the meat section is where the real surprises are.

§ 14‑16.6. Assault on executive, legislative, or court officer: I bet even all y’all well behaved folks can think of a government official or two you’d like to assault.

§ 14‑34.8. Criminal use of laser device: I have no words for how awesome this charge would be. It almost brought a tear of joy to my eye thinking about it.

§ 14‑43.2. Involuntary servitude: Dude. Heh … heheh ….. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

slavery

§ 14‑72.4. Unauthorized taking or sale of labeled dairy milk cases or milk crates bearing the name or label of owner. What the hell, why is taking milk crates illegal? Fuck it, add it to the list.

§ 14‑79. Larceny of ginseng: this one’s for Emerald, and yes, it’s a real friggin law on the real law books. Go fig.

§ 14‑149. Desecrating, plowing over or covering up graves. Holy crap, these just keep getting funnier and funnier, I would never have thought of this one, although I did dance on a grave once. (an old ass one, so as not to piss off any young ghosts)

Article 26 – Offenses against Public Morality and Decency: With the notable exception of any of the crimes against minors in this chapter, I think pretty much every single one should be dropped, even if I don’t particularly want to break it myself. For instance, I wouldn’t want to break any bigamy laws, cause I have my hands full with one woman. But if you dig it, go for it Holmes. Likewise incest isn’t my thing, but I think it’s very entertaining (Jerry springer eat your heart out) and should be allowed, if that’s what you’re into. But at least half the laws in this chapter are just puritan Christian morals seeping unconstitutionally into the law books.

If you want to be a hooker, knock yourself out, impress me. Strippers should be able to do whatever they want. Porn should be able to do whatever it wants. (and clearly does, thank you internet) Cussing should be allowed encouraged in public, on television, and especially on the motherfucking radio you FCC cock suckers! Let the artists decide what they want their music to sound like. When Jesus starts recording again, I’m sure his singles will be very popular. I want to be allowed to run naked through the streets shouting FUCK at the top of my lungs while carrying a burning cross made of donkey porn. I hate it when other people force religious morality on me. Fuck you, who the fuck do you think you are? Oh yeah, the government.

My number one favorite law to break in this Chapter of the law would be so called “Crimes Against Nature”. So vaguely defined that even Wikipedia isn’t sure what the fuck they meant. It’s an open door for the government to tell me what I can and can not do in my own bedroom. Butt sex here I come, and if anyone sees Nature walking around, tell her I have some anal lube for her too.

§ 14‑202.11. Restrictions as to adult establishments: again, retarded. (by the way the law was really confusing here, so I could be misinterpreting it. You would think the laws here in America would be written in English, since we allegedly speak it and all, but no) Why can’t I buy vibrators at a strip club? What the fuck hell? What if I want to? What then huh? I’m already at a friggin strip club for Christ sakes. Maybe I should try and combine my secret society for the purpose of violating the law and this one, that would rock. What does your club do? You help the homeless? What a faggot, I sell sex toys in a strip club. Why would you restrict my adult entertainment? I purposely haven’t died yet just so I can enjoy all this shit. Damn!

§ 14‑256.1. Escape from private correctional facility: What? I can dream!

§ 14‑269.3. Carrying weapons into assemblies and establishments where alcoholic beverages are sold and consumed. Every little boy in the world dreams about this from his earliest days watching cowboy movies. Apparently being cool and protecting yourself is illegal. Lame, I wanna do it anyway.

§ 14‑277. Impersonation of a law‑enforcement or other public officer. I act like an asshole every day at work, does that count? I think it should, all I’m really missing is a badge. I already have a gun, and a propensity for beating people who don’t deserve it. Babies, the elderly, cripples, minorities, all must fear the long arm of the anti-law.

§ 14‑288.6. Looting; trespass during emergency. Ok, technically I would like to combine Inciting a riot, failure to disperse, and looting. Basically I want to be Bender from Futurama, but less robotic and more awesome, kind of like I already am, thank you very much. On second thought, maybe I’ll keep the robot thing, that does rock.

§ 14‑329. Manufacturing, trafficking in, transporting, or possessing poisonous alcoholic beverages. Now I’m not sure exactly how they define poisonous alcohol as opposed to regular “poison” alcohol, but I want to make moonshine, and if that isn’t poison it’s damn near the closest thing I’ve ever drank, and it’s illegal.

§ 14‑362. Cockfighting: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Awesome!

§ 14‑381. Desecration of State and United States flag: Now I am very patriotic, not only to the United states, but to Dixie Land as well, and if I want to hang my flag upside down and backwards as a general statement about the condition of our government then I should damn well be able to. I have before, and I will again, kiss my ass Uncle Sam, you’re not the boss of me.

§ 14‑395.1. Sexual harassment: Here I come bitches, best have some fun with that T and A before you’re too old and gross!

§ 14‑400. Tattooing; body piercing prohibited: Now if I’ve been present whilst one minor was tattooing another minor, does that pretty much violate the spirit of the law, cause it’s a bit late to get tattooed underage.

§ 14‑401.6. Unlawful to possess, etc., tear gas except for certain purposes. Again, weapons? I want them, I thought I had the right to bear arms you rotten pig fuckers. Give me tear gas or give me death! (preferably tear gas, that wasn’t an invitation)

§ 14‑401.20. Defrauding drug and alcohol screening tests: I so did that while in drug class and on probation! And I made a killing!

§ 14‑444. Intoxicated and disruptive in public. Again, been there, done that. And yet somehow didn’t get arrested for it yet.

§ 14‑460. Riding on train unlawfully: I just might be a hobo if I damn well please. What if I am tired of being a slave to money and working all the time and just want to see the country? I mean I don’t, but maybe when I’m old and all my friends and family have been killed in the revolution. Who knows. I hear the hippie movement is big into that, being vagrant and all. Why not? There’s not much in this world hotter than a woman with a facial tattoo covered in dirt and sweat, and I so wish I was joking when I said that.

So now you tell me, what law would you like to break? Hell make it a meme or something, post your own list. But come back and let me know if you do cause I’ll probably be too busy looting with hookers to surf the whole net for blog updates.

Completely Accurate Internet Prophesies

Occasionally I’ll take a break from fantasizing about booze and women to contemplate matters at large. Important stuff, like how a government should work, or how a society should work, or how a religion should work. I look at the world around me and try to wrap my head around the things I see. I try and dig past the surface and pick apart the inner workings of … ok, fuck that. This post is not deep or analytical at all. And neither am I. Really, I just like science fiction, and I like hearing myself talk, and I want to make:

The future is round

As you can see from this illustration I borrowed from my internet scientist friend, the internet is a series of tubes. Like a blue matrix cervix leading to the womb of world wide information exchange. An international melting pot made of porn and stolen music. But as this technology grows exponentially, the world as we know it is being reshaped from top to bottom. How will life on earth be in the far distant future? Well since the Mayans believe the world ends in 2012, let’s go ahead and set this clock ahead to 2018! TEN whole years in the future! I doubt anyone who could accurately predict the end of the world would come to such an abrupt end, but just in case, the apocalypse will come before anyone can disprove my completely accurate internet prophesies.

Prophesy I:

Porn will be weirder than ever.

you know it's true

I’ve seen zombie porn, amputee porn, retard porn, bestiality, tentacle rape, extreme bondage, self mutilation, world record gang bangs, excrement, bukake, sodomy, blood, weapons, double penetration, triple penetration, fisting, anal fisting, foot fucking, titty fucking, handjobs, deep throat, monster cocks, electro-shock stimulation, deflorations, hooker abuse, fucking machines, female ejaculation, prolapses, birthing videos, incest, and possibly the most disturbing of all, clown porn. At this point I’m so jaded to porn I think the missionary position should be taught in kindergarten. What will the future bring us? Probably some really sick shit. And I’m assuming it will come out of Japan. I mean Germany and Brazil do their best to be the nastiest fuckers on planet earth, but in all honesty, nobody can hold a candle to the perversion I’ve seen come out of Japan. Setting aside their entire culture, and just looking at their porn, the Japanese are weird, and are probably disturbed on a new national level like nothing we’ve seen since WWII. If I had to guess, in ten years the Japanese will be jacking off to (still pixelated) video of panda bear/octopus mutants raping children with dick shaped tentacles that shoot vomit and poo down funnels that force feed school girl gimps as they are slowly drawn and quartered while, uh, big hairy gay bikers will piss on everyone … or something. That is if it doesn’t exist already. Also, every person on earth will have posted a home video of themselves having sex with somebody by 2018. So there will be no more porn stars, just a planet full of slutty college bitches who apparently like to fuck, but don’t like giving men the time of day because like the college girls of today, they are still too stupid to know what the fuck they want.

Prophesy II:

News as we know it will be radically transformed towards an independent and widely varied series of personal networks as opposed to large corporate news networks.

dan rather before he got old

It’s already starting, anyone with an eye and an ear open has probably noticed this trend emerging. Our local paper, the News and Observer sent out a representative to stand around the grocery store recently. My dad happened to run into him, and after declining a free paper, they got into a conversation. The guy asked my dad what it would take for him to subscribe to the paper again, and he told him it would never happen. The need for a newspaper is a dinosaur. With free news sources available from across the globe, updated to the minute, who would pay for a paper to be delivered? The newspaper sales are plummeting. Companies like the Times are laying off employees. The world no longer has to get their news from one source.

On top of that, I think a lot of people are getting tired of what I like to call the evening propaganda. Whether in print or on television, any major news network I turn to is either going to have a major left wing swing or a major right wing swing. Well fuck that. I don’t want journalists. I don’t want Katie Couric or Dan Rather telling me what to think. To be perfectly honest, I don’t really appreciate John Stewart and Stephen Colbert telling me what to think either, although I love their shows. I just want someone to concisely report exactly what happened in the world with no spin or bias, and thank you very much, I can make up my own god damned mind what to make of it all. And I don’t even want an American spin on it, though I often joke a lot about how superior America is. I know America is just one country and we aren’t the whole world. I don’t want my information edited to make me feel better. Fuck that.

In the future, as is the trend now, I see a grassroots style news network forming. Kind of like corner store gossip but on a global level. Personal blogs and websites like the Drudge Report will take over as the news source for CNN and FOX and NBC. Because as much as I don’t like the general public, I still trust them more than I trust mega-multi-conglomerate propaganda machines.

Prophesy III:

Nine tenths of all people will no longer go out and do anything without properly recording it in photo, video, audio, and text form for the whole world to see how fucking cool they are.

retarded bitch

Ok, this isn’t really a prophesy, this is more of a current observation. And I realize that I’m probably just a guilty of this as most folks, but for real. In this age of digital cameras and video phones and whatnot, a lot of people purposely record all their shit just so they can show it off online later. What the deal is yo? Get off your chair flattened asses and go outside for a taste of real life. Damn. And just a note to everyone under thirty: pictures of yourself taken by yourself at arms length are not cool or hot, please stop.

Prophesy IV:

Music, television, and movies will all be reinvented on an independent level.

steal this blog

Let’s face it, P2P networks have completely turned the music industry on it’s head. This is really a whole post in and of itself, but I can not wait to see what goes on with the music industry from here on out. I see the major record labels falling by the wayside and self promotion and touring once again taking the spotlight as bands realize that they have to actually go out and play music to make money. With software pirating at an all time high, it’s easier than ever for a garage band with some talent to get their own audio editing programs and produce their own music. This means that with a little bit of talent you can completely bypass the music industry altogether. And with the internet, all it takes is being catchy to gain a mass following. Ask any lolcat.

More and more, people feel less inclined to shell out fifteen bucks for a CD with three good songs on it, and instead spend their time amassing huge libraries of free music and spending their money going to concerts where they actually get to see a band. Like a modern day Robin Hood, the internet allows the common man to take money out of the pockets of the uber-wealthy artists and record labels and rearrange music as we know it, from a top 40 radio playlist that tells you what is cool and what you should like, to a “pick and choose on an individual level” system that puts the emphasis back where it belongs: on musicians who create and play because they love music and not because they want to be rich and famous. Can I get a fuck yeah?