As many of you are aware, I am in along distance relationship. And not one of those sweet movie-type long distance relationships where the people fall in love and then some conveniently timed obstacle comes between them, and they overcome it because they love each other, and life is magical pixie dust, and everyone has at least two happy endings for twenty bucks. No this is the real life kind where two people who might or might not be compatible start dating, but they live an ass long ways away from each other.
Now I am no stranger to neurosis, but this sort of relationship is new to me and is introducing new fun sorts of mental fuck ups into my life. For instance, I am going to see her tomorrow, and the only thing I can think is that the second I see her she’s gonna discretely let me know she no longer wants anything to do with me because she found some migrant worker named Julio who is much better in bed, and has already charmed her whole fucking family. This possibility scares me despite the complete lunacy of it. Am I weird?
For real though, I really am going to have to meet a lot of her ex boyfriends, all in one night, while I also meet her family, and I have jello shots shoved down my throat, and I have a drinking problem. Not to mention her step dad is a total alchy, and he loves me, and he’s promised to get me hammered whenever I visit him. So I have to be cool with a bunch of guys who stuck their wangs where I love to stick mine, but beat me to it, and meet her entire judgmental family, who already doesn’t like me, especially the mom, and at the same time, show her a good time as an alcoholic, without getting smashed, but still partying enough to be fun for her, yet not making an ass of myself. It scares me.
Also, this is a very small coastal town, where everyone knows everyone, and it’s been that way since way long ago, before I ever met anyone in her family. So she wants to introduce me to all her friends, who have heard a lot about me, and know probably every awkward intimate moment we’ve had. And who know her family well. And who know her entire dating history. And who love her deeply. And I have to come put on a show for them to prove I am a cool enough guy to date their life long friend. I do pretty well under pressure, but this shit is gonna be rough.
I honestly think I will do a great job of befriending all her friends and coworkers. But her family is disconcerting, since they have previous experience with me at the wedding. (blog post to come soon) And on top of that, I stopped wanking off on Wednesday, and I don’t see her till Friday afternoon/night. I did this so I could be extra ready for the fun, but now I’m just not liking life at all. Two days is a long time to go without rubbing one out! But now I’m too close to launch time to renig on my decision. It’s all or nothing, and I have to be all on this trip!
So I’m left with this taste in my mouth like I really like this woman. I do honestly. But I have to jump through hoops all weekend long, just to get a few minutes with her. Is it worth it? Yes, it is! I may not get to scrog her unconscious, but we’ll sneak in enough fun for two weeks despite whatever happens whilst I’m there. And yet, despite my motorized gift, despite my very real and severe attraction to her, despite my ability to win over families, despite my skill at winning over frineds, I still think she may just get a bit tired of me this weekend. And if I ever say (you know what, ILY) she will ditch me faster than a highway worker with a drainage problem. That’s how it’s always been, and when I’m wicked honest with myself, I am scared that she will just up and reject me for no reason and with no warning. Just like all my women do. You ladies turn against a guy like me very quickly, and very violently. And that’s the last I ever see of you. One moment all is well, the next, I am hated and alone. That sucks.
And I fear it in every relationship, at every moment, in every place.