My pets are kick ass. Well the one is. Venus, not so much.


So I have pets. I realize this doesn’t really set me apart from everyone else on the planet, but mine are pretty sweet. Well, not my cat really, she’s a psycho freak. But my snake is cool. Now pets have been a tradition in my family for as long as I can remember. We have baby photo’s of me as an infant, propped up in the corner of the couch. And my parents had this cat named Snoopy, and it would run along the couch and smack me on the side of the head. And since all babies are stupid, I would look, but it would be over on the other side by then. And we would repeat this until my parents got tired of laughing their asses of at my drooly confusion and toss me in a crib or a closet or wherever they kept me.

My mom was always a big nature person, so growing up we almost always had some sort of pet. My first memory of having my own pet was some hamsters we got. I couldn’t tell you what their names were, or what color they were, I just remember being really sad and crying when they died. So we got some lizards. The next time we were down visiting family in Florida we went out and caught a bunch of those little anole lizards that run wild everywhere down there. And we put them in this terrarium near the back door. And to feed them we would take my baby brothers diapers and lay them in the yard. And whenever the flies showed up as a team, we would go sit next to the crap pile and hold one of those plastic grocery bags over it until all the flies stopped flying around and settled on the poo. And then we simply slammed the bag down over them, and they would fly to the top, and we could pinch the bottom, careful not to grab any poo. And then we could let them loose in the terrarium and cheer for the hunting that ensued.

Later on we owned a series of fish, rodents, reptiles, and all sorts of bugs. It was a regular zoo for most of my childhood.

Anyway, skip ahead to my adult life, a year or two ago. I was living with Nate and Sami for the first time back then. And I was simply relaxing at home on a Saturday morning, drinking a bud and watching Magnum P.I., or Charmed or some such crap. Nate and Sami get home from shopping and let me know they have a surprise for me, and ooh boy was I excited. (excited = wary and unenthusiastic) Without consulting me they had gone out and gotten a cat for me to take care of. It was the gift that keeps on giving, fresh new bills. I really didn’t want a cat, but I said fuck it and agreed to keep the runt. (she really was the runt)

Well it turns out that it wasn’t so much a cat as it was the furry hell spawn of some demented demon. Not cool at all. She was a lovely kitten mostly. She had a tendency to attack my weiner through the sheets when I was sleeping. And nothing says “please kick me into the wall on the other side of the room” quite like clawing someone in the pee hole whilst they lie defenseless. But besides the weiner attacks, she was pretty cool. She house trained just fine. She didn’t destroy crap. She didn’t mewl all night, unless I locked her out of my room. I actually liked her a lot back then.

I decided she needed a name suited for royalty. I named her Venus DeMilo, the Duchess of Kittyston, cutest province in all of Catlandu. But then she grew up. And now she hates everyone. Whines all the time. Destroys everything. Eats incessantly. And attacks the crap out of the other cat. She would make a much better out door cat. She’s a good mouser, but no so cool inside.Fatty McLardass Gluttonson IIIFueled by Satan

My other pet is much cooler. His name is Musclini. Like the Italian dictator, but with muscles! Very clever right? I know, it is. Musclini is a red tail boa I got from a friend of my brothers who worked in pest control and removal. He was pussy whipped and his woman told him he wasn’t allowed to have the snake when she moved in. that was also about the time that we never saw him again because she controls everything he does and everywhere he goes. Anyway, we think it’s about 2 1/2 years old. It’s somewhere around 7’3″. And it eats the largest size feeder rat they have available. One of those gnarly bastards every two weeks.Musclininot if I bite you firstkissy kissySo you want some tongue eh?

You may notice Ziggy hanging behind me. I am actually standing on my bed in those pics, and Ziggy is the skeleton who hangs in front of the window next to my bed. I really do love Halloween. Ziggy has been a year round staple in my various rooms since I bought him a while back.

Any way. Those are my pets. Here’s some picture from around the house recently.Moving fucking heavy ass boatfat guy in a little coatNate dog fucking aroundChilling like normal, just two normal guysAre you ready to ruuuuuumbleeeee?

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13 responses to “My pets are kick ass. Well the one is. Venus, not so much.

  1. Caption for the second picture: “I’m using my special laser eyes because I can see a mouse… NOM NOM NOM!”

    Hey, you got a clean kitchen. Unlike mine.

  2. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

    im so glad we dont have snake like things in new zealand.

    venus sounds funny though.. i like her..

    you have a weird assortment of animals…
    i now have the strange want to touch a reptile.

  3. I LOVE bitchy cats. You need to understand the evilness, and embrace it.

  4. Snakes are the star players in my nightmares and that’s all I gotta say about that!

    I think cats bring out the gentleness in men. Well, most cats, that is. And you mean weiner attacks aren’t funny? Huh. I ALWAYS laugh when ours does that to the hubby.

  5. Dude, I heart pets. I have two cats and five rabbits, with possibly more on the way. (I didn’t know rabbits could open dog cages….)

    Since you have awesome pet names, I thought I was share my awesome pet names as well. Because I’m that conceited.

    The cats are nearly identical brothers named Peachy and Keen. First rabbit is Finnegan Cabbage Esquire. Second rabbit is Sunshine, because she’s all grey (how ironic, jes?). They have two sons: Brutus (because he was the biggest of the litter) and Fortune (because he’s fortunate to be alive, all the smaller babies died. Fortune is now a lean mean, three month old murder machine. The last is Darth Vader because he’s black with floppy ears and is very droopy and mopey.

    The only downside to living in a constant plethora of loving fur is that I am constantly stepping on rabbit pellets and this morning I woke up in cat pee 😦

  6. Wendy Skeleton: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of “evil vision, it sterilizes your soul!”

    The Queen: you should have seen all the reptiles my brother used to have. All sorts of lizards and snakes. It was cool.

    Blacksheeped: I do understand, and sort of embrace it. We have a mutual understanding not to mess with each other very often. I get to look at her from a distance, and she gets food. It works.

    Belle: Yeah, i have a soft spot for cats. And weiner attacks are always funny, unless it’s your weiner. Then it’s never funny.

    Emerald: Very cool. I love your pet names, especially sunshine. The irony pleases me. Also Finnegan Cabbage Esquire? Awesome! Sami used to have a dwarf rabbit we got at the exotic animals and reptiles show that comes around a few times a year. It was cool. But it is no longer with us. It’s probably alive, but they had to get rid of it to move. She named it Apocalypse. Also, she wants me to tell you that her finches are named Jeffrey Dahmer, Penelope, and Arcadia. Son of Sam got killed by Dahmer, and Petri got a tumor and lost some toes and then croaked. So she has three now.

  7. Carolyn J.: I like that, Yeem, good reference. I very hardly ever get a reference that obscure. Five hundred point for Ms. Carolyn, she wins this round. I will add that to my extensive file of useless yet entertaining bull shit in my brain warehouse, right next to blumpkin. (go watch dreamcatcher)

  8. I want to see reptiles now.. im goin to have to watch snakes on a plane or something just to get my kicks… or anaconda! yes that soulds more scary… no way am i watching arachnaphobia or 8 leged freaks though..

  9. Okay I just had to tell you that the first picture of your snake made me scream like a girl. I’m petrified of snakes.

  10. Allie: Sorry. He does have that effect on people. Hah! Like we had our black neighbors over to watch a feeding. And I don’t know about everywhere in the world, but here in America, black folks don’t mess around with snakes. It was hilarious. I kind of do like freaking people out.

  11. Hahaha! That’s funny, kinda wish I could have seen their faces… after I fainted from fright because of the big ass snake. And I’ll forgive you today because I’m in a forgiving mood.

  12. Allie: Well thank you darling, I’m having the sort of day where I need a little forgiveness. It’s much appreciated.

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