I’ve been trying to think of a good way to segue into my real topic here, and apparently when it comes to matters of significance I get writers block. I’ve thought and thought about how to say it in some cute, romantic, snarky, comical way, but I’ve come up with absolutely nothing. So like I always do when I can’t disguise my real feelings with a smoke cover of juvenile comedy and filler adjectives, I’ll just cut the bull shit and tell y’all what’s really going down in my life. I’ve fell in love.
Take a minute to think about how just a few wrong words can change the meaning of what I just said. I fell in love. I fell in love with a woman. I fell in love with a woman from another country. I fell in love with a woman from another country, that I’ve never even touched. (with my wang) See how quick that goes from romantic, to complicated, to perverted. When you limit your communication to written words you have to be careful to say exactly what you mean, cause it’s easy to read my words how you would say them, and not how I would say them. But it’s hard to misunderstand “I fell in love” when I cut out all the superlatives, cut out any catch, cut out any bull shit. The fact is that I fell in love, so come with me on my little journey through how this miracle came to be.
Y’all know the story of how I got here in the blogging world by now, at least the readers who’ve been with me for a while. If you haven’t, I’ll sum it up right now. My friends showed me Ask A Ninja, which linked me to YouTube, which got me interested in the internet for the first time. I then started my own YouTube channel. Then my friend Steph (can’t find your link Steph, hit me up and I’ll edit it in) showed me a post by Sundry, which somehow through a family and parenting content based blog got me interested in creative writing, which I’ve always loved. Then after a year or two of reading her blog, I decided to try my own luck at it.
So then through a series of links, which to this day I still can not retrace, I ended up at The Queen’s blog, which linked me to Talea’s blog, thanks to her hilarious title, and from there I linked over to Emerald’s blog. Now I realize this was a complicated route, but at this point I suddenly stopped and took notice. On October 23’rd I read her blog for the first time, and I was struck with this incredible attraction to her personality and the way she expressed herself through her words. This girl was obviously something I would have to check out a second time.
Here is Em in all her buxom beauty:
Here is an exact transcript of the first sentence I ever said to her: “Despite my general distaste for the Indie scene in general, I loved your account of the evening. I wish I could get this post drunk and seduce it into a one night stand that ends awkwardly but still leaves both parties gratified.” Clearly, I was on my way to seducing her, by insulting her taste in music, and forcing myself on her post. (a gratifying sort of force mind you) I followed up this comment with these quite romantic words, if I may say so myself: “And take pride in how many people you pissed off. They were probably the bald deuche bags that blocked traffic with their charitable buggery. And forget about the grammar. Grammar is for class work and science articles. This is teh facking interweb noobs. Mother fuckers don’t have to grammarize shit if they don’t feel like it!” Wow, I can see the cornerstones of a solid relationship falling into place even as we speak. What sort of pillow talk should I woo her with now that I tried to date rape her post and cussed in four fake languages? “I like chicks with balls. (not actual balls mind you, the metaphorical sort of balls that don’t clutter up the paradice city that is the ball-less vagina)” Sometimes I amaze even myself. If you are a woman, or a homo man, please try and abstain from telling me how incredibly hawt I am right now, cause I know, and redundancy is repetitive and shit, I don’t need that. I’ll gladly accept money, or a child named after me. Shrines work too. (photo evidence needed)
But anywho, I started some discreet messaging between Emerald and myself, or possibly she started it. I can’t remember now. But I got a Facebook account to talk to her, and the other lovely Toronto vixens of course, but mostly her. At the time, both of us were in no way looking for a relationship. In fact, at that point I don’t think I had even seen a picture of her beside those ugly ass Halloween pics she posted, with the whole botched abortion costume. (gross, check them out) So I came to be friends with her, after getting out of a very disappointing relationship, feeling like shit, while she was still in some rather complicated relationship activities of her own. And we just talked like friends, sharing what we had been through, and what we were going through. Slowly but surely this grew into an undeniable attraction and bond between the two of us.
We began sending not only comments, but also long letters back and forth every day. This turned into two long letters every day. And then she convinced me to get on her IM network, and we began chatting some in the evenings. And then it turned into one long ass (as in has to be split into two letters to send) letter every day, and I would come home during lunch to talk to her for half an hour, and then rush home afterwards to talk to her for another half an hour before she got off work. (no internet at home, just yet, soon darlin) Then it bacame the letter, the lunch chats, and links, and several hours in the evening, with her staying after work just to chat with little old me. And we talked like people.
We skipped that first awkward few months of dating, because we had no time or use for any of it. There was no weird dress codes or date locations or activities. We just talked like people. Like peers. There was no awkward first kiss. There was no awkward first sex. There was no awkward feeling out of the other person on every level. We just talked like humans. We were irresistibly attracted to each other and we both knew it and neither of us really was going to say it. Because as you may know, or may even be thinking right now, internet relationships aren’t as real as face to face relationships. Well I’m here to tell you they CAN be much more authentic and heart felt. I never had any reason to try and pretty up my looks for her, she accepted me just as she found me. I never had to dull myself down one bit, cause she jived well with the things I poured out of my heart, just for her. I shared things I’ve never shared with anyone else. And likewise, she opened up to me. And we both loved what we saw.
Now let me just say right now that we are not completely compatible. There are things in our lives that are in total opposition. Our views on politics are dangerously opposite. But we recognize that and try to allow each other the freedom of will to choose whatever we like, without letting it cause arguments. She swings left, I swing right, and as far as I see it, though I can’t speak for her, I think we’ve both influenced the others views a little bit by explaining why we believe what we do. We come from different countries, from different cultures, her from the city, me from the country. She’s a Canuck, I’m a rebel flag waving, Dixie Land red neck. But we get along not agreeing on these things. She’s a vegetarian, I worship meat. But she respects my love for the tastiest food on earth, and likewise, I respect her choice not to eat meat or harm any creature. I expect her to respect my free will and not (try to, as if anyone could break my stubborn streak) force me to conform to her standards and beliefs. I’m not her puppet or pet. And likewise, she expects me to respect her choices, her beliefs, and her views on life, and I do my very best to do just that. We love each other for who we are, and not for who we want the other person to be.
And not only do we respect each others differences, we celebrate them. She has this zest for life that is hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it. We just yesterday had this conversation about living. Not living as in existence, but living as in to the god damned fullest with every breath you have left and every fiber in your being. She told me that she doesn’t want to live with me, she want to LIVE with me. And I just about jumped for joy, because I had never told her this, but I feel the exact same way. I don’t want to grow boring with someone, I want to live the greatest adventure in history with someone. I want a woman who will constantly challenge my thinking, my behavior, my intellect. I want a challenge, and she does too. I don’t want to sit down and watch Everybody Loves Raymond for the rest of my life, I want to go jump out of a fucking airplane while having premarital sex in the sky and playing the lottery and starting my own business, and possibly before I hit the ground, I’d like to learn to knife fight bears. I want a partnership where we accept the differences we have, but never accept anything less than the most the other person has to offer. Maybe we’re naive, but I’m lovin’ it like McDonald’s never dreamed of. And I’m having it my way like BK never though possible. (not to imply that anyone working at BK is capable of thought, of course not)
But in all the important ways (because face it, politics and what kind of food you eat are not that important, so fuck that shit) we are a perfect match. We believe very similar things about spirituality, and the meaning of life, and major religions. We believe similar things on society, and culture, and status, and all the things that go along with human interaction. We believe similar things on having fun, and being yourself, and our future together. We both have this vision of what our tomorrow holds. We both see us visiting each other, and us figuring out a way to make our lives work together. I love this girl so fucking much, it makes me dizzy.
Before I finally worked up the balls to tell her I loved her, I was hardly sleeping. I was a total wreck. I was afraid she would do like the other women in my life, and leave me unexpectedly, and my heart would be broken. So I wrote this long ass, super poetic, retardedly romantic letter to her letting her know how I felt, and then promptly forgot to send it, and my sister in law closed the window. So I just fessed up like a real man and told her straight up how I felt about her. It was scary. It was almost the death of me, But it was also the moment I learned she loved me too, and as much as I wish I could have maybe said it a bit more eloquently, it just got blurted out in frustration and stress, and then a huge wave of joy and relief passed through both of us. We knew, this was not just some internet crush, like in my post. This was something we are both working towards every day.
She knows all about my legal problems. Much more than I’m willing to share with you, my kick ass blog readers. I love you guys too, but not the same. She knows all about my alcoholism. She knows all about my bad skin, and my low income, and that I will probably be locked up very soon. (tuesday maybe) She knows things that no other person had ever known about me. Sometimes she even knows things about me that I haven’t shared with her, or am even cognizant of. And likewise, I know her burdens. the fact that she is willing to look past these HUGE disqualifiers is heart wrenching for me. I am so in love with this woman, after all this time, that I’m actively looking into immigrating to canada and finding a job there, and hopefully making a new life for us as a family there. I am more than willing to leave my close knit family, my awesome friends, and everything I’ve ever known, even my country to just have a shot at making things work with this woman. She’s not my girl, she’s my woman, and there’s a difference, cause this isn’t fucking puppy love, this is the only time in my life I have ever been so happy, and the only time I’ve ever taken big risks to secure my future.
We have never met in real life. I have never held her. I have never kissed her. I’ve never smelled her. I’ve never got a look at her poon tang. This isn’t about sex. It isn’t even about looks, since we started talking before we even saw each other. This is about me and another soul falling deeply in love, and not giving a fuck about popular opinion. Speaking of which, it’s your turn to make this subject yours. I want to know what you feel about internet relationships and their validity. Don’t worry about insulting either of us, we’re absolutely cool with your views. Whether you think it’s good or bad or fucking retarded, tell us what you think. I’ve heard both sides a lot. My brother Nate is tired of hearing me talk about this girl all the time, even though I’ve never met her. My sister in law is already as in love with her as I am, possibly about to steal her. My work friends think I’m an idiot, since my last relationship was long distance, and I got burned on that one. I’ve had people tell me “if you haven’t done the dirty, she isn’t really your girl!” Not true, and we will, as soon as I get out of jail, ad save up some money to go visit. For now, there’s no chance. And on the other side, I have my two best friends Kenny and Rachel, who met online and are now happily married. And I waited a long fucking time to see Kenny meet a girl who was right for him, and I couldn’t be happier with his decision. So I have both the good and bad represented in my personal life. Now that the secret is out, and y’all know Em is my woman, let me know honestly how you feel about it.
I love you so much baby, and you mean the world to me. Just to make everyone gag a little bit more, love and hugs and kisses all over! ❤
Sprinting to Hell 