Category Archives: relationships

The source of human morality: an email to my father.

Paul Wilson 23 December at 20:38
In your blog about the WBC protest you wrote;
“I personally don’t need a master to tell me what is right and wrong, and I think when people let go of their fear and look inside, they will realize that none of them need servility either. We can make the world better, but we aren’t going to get any help from an outside source, it’s up to us as human beings to fix it ourselves.”  Question: If you have no standard for your morality, then how do you define what is right and what is wrong?
What follows is my answer to my father, unedited. I had planned on looking into this further to form the best possible response to this question, but seeing as my blog is more a tool for me to articulate my thoughts in an orderly fashion, mostly for my own benefit, rather than an ultimate argument for my ideas, I think it is appropriate to address some of these issues as they present themselves. So here, only minutes after I sent the message, is my response at this time on the issue of human morality. All forms of support and criticism are welcomed and encouraged. Your scrutiny makes my view better when I accept it.

It’s interesting that you would ask me this particular question. It’s one that I’ve run into many times, especially lately. Actually I’m preparing to address it shortly as part of my next blog which is going to be a response to a catholic man with some rather extremist views on atheism. It was a question I had when I was first fully realizing my atheism, and I think it is a legitimate question, although it is somewhat insulting to atheists when you examine it.


The answers that I found when I looked into it are what pushed me to choose secular humanism as a moral platform for my life. You could say that in atheism (although certainly not with all atheists, because atheism is much like the left-wing in that it is more of a loose commonality of ideas held by widely different people, skepticism and the scientific method are the most widely accepted ideas comparable to your theology, and secular humanism is the most widely accepted idea comparable to your biblical morality.

In order to answer your question I first have to critique it. You ask how I define what is right and wrong if I have no standard for morality. This is what can be frustrating for atheists. The connection between religion and morality has been enforced, by the religious, for so long that they are culturally synonymous. But I believe that religion has very little positive impact on morality, and that morality is demonstrably a separate entity from religion. And the idea that people who don’t believe in a god are incapable of understanding morality is an understandable but annoying constant slap in the face for us heathens. When religion states that it is not only morally superior, but has a total monopoly on morality, I kind of roll my eyes and try not to be the arrogant atheist dick that constantly spouts off endless examples of immoral behavior being rewarded by or commanded by god in the bible. So it’s an easy question to answer, but it’s a difficult question to answer without coming off like a jerk, because in order to answer it I have to eventually point out why I believe that all religions are fundamentally unhealthy for not just human progress, but human wellbeing.

I think morality stems from two different things. First off it is a function of survival useful for most life and has been widely propagated among the species on earth through evolution. Second, it is one aspect of our higher cognitive function that gives us an advantage over less intelligent forms of life, and at the same time gives us a greater degree of responsibility for how we conduct ourselves given the ability to understand complicated and intangible concepts that affect the quality of life of our own species, as well as that of all other species on earth.

My first point is that morality is a survival tactic we received from evolution. We have the ability to empathize with other memberz of mankind, and their survival becomes a part of our survival. The most basic example of this in nature would be the tendency for almost all life to either sacrifice its own safety or its own food source for its offspring. Animals especially (as opposed to plants, fungus, or microscopic life) tend to be aggressively defensive of their young, putting themselves in much more dangerous situation than they would normally when a threat is imminent for their children. I think this is the root for our connection, and our behavior. At some deep subconscious level we instinctively understand that our survival is linked to every other member of our species. Humans are the most socially linked species on the planet, as far as I know, and so our social survival instinct would rationally be stronger than in other creatures. This survival link can be show even better when you examine other social or hive type creatures. Most species of cats and dogs work together in groups, and the group will work together for food and safety, and give up a portion of their own supplies to help feed other members of the group, say the sick and injured, or the young who can’t hunt for themselves. Hive creatures like ants or bees split the work up, so each member has its own purpose, but they all collectively reap the benefits. And so their own survival depends on the survival of their hive members, causing them to toil for the greater good and to sacrifice to protect the greater good.

And so for the most basic and fundamental aspects of morality, religion is totally unnecessary, since the ideas of not killing, stealing, or inflicting harm on members of one’s own social group, to the point of self-sacrifice for the well-being of others, are demonstrated by creatures far inferior to us. These attributes help us survive off of each other in a sort of symbiotic relationship, and are so simple and obvious to us that they don’t really need to be carved on stone tablets to be understood by all societies.

My second point was that we humans have a unique mental ability. We are by far the smartest creature in existence, at least as far as we know, and I would have to imagine that any other creature as smart as us would be capable of figuring out a way to communicate their intelligence. Anyway, that’s an irrelevant tangent, or at least a totally different debate about the possibility of higher beings. Our higher brain function allows us to grasp intangible concepts in a way that we don’t believe other life here can do. This is what gives us morally grey areas and allows us the ability to deal with them; the issues that can both harm and help life, such as how to define human rights, or how much speech should be allowed for whom, and what aspects of society should be mandated for the benefit of all, and which should be left to the individual.

This is where my idea (and I use the term “my” loosely, since most of the ideas I’m presenting here aren’t really my own, and the few that are have undoubtedly been argued better by someone else already) that religion is actually a hindrance to morality comes into play. If you assert that morality comes from your god and not from mankind and the laws that govern nature, then you will have a hard time excusing the teachings of the bible. And this is actually an issue that has bugged me from an early age, long, long before I rebelled and then eventually dismissed the idea of believing in a god. The bible has in it, especially in the old testament, but there are plenty of good examples of evil in the new as well, a plethora of commands to do things that we today consider extremely reprehensible. Abraham was made the father of all believers for his willingness to murder his own child when he heard a voice commanding him to. No normal Christian today would defend a parent who murdered their child and said God told them to do it. It’s right there in the ten commandments, thou shalt not murder. And yet Abraham inspired three completely different religions, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Not only did god reward Abraham for his willingness to murder his son, he also endorses and supports outright genocide and imperialistic warfare as a norm, in multiple situations. Believers in other faiths are routinely wiped off the face of the planet, and even for followers of gods teachings, fairly normal “wrongs” are responded to with outright bigotry and violence. For instance, a woman who was raped is commanded to either be stoned to death or to marry her rapist, as long as she was raped outside the city, if she were raped inside the city then she just has to die. The term sodomy even comes from the story of God wiping out an entire city of homosexuals, who he calls an abomination, a term poorly translated that breeds bigotry, but one supported by a story of merciless hatred. (I really don’t feel like looking up these verses, but I assure you they are in there, as I predict you will already know, and if you don’t think so I will gladly take the time to look up verses to prove my point)

And so I contend that most of what we consider to be moral, at least the moral parts I agree with, have stemmed from a secular viewpoint rather than a religious one. One common argument made by believers is that many aspects of moral improvement have been championed by religious people, and inspired by religious text. I do not argue that religious people have been instrumental in the positive changes we have made in society, especially in the last couple of hundred years, or that your bible may have inspired them to be better people. There are many passages in the bible that agree with secular humanism. Do unto others … Let him without sin cast the first stone … judgement is mine sayeth the lord; they all rehash the golden rule. Actually the first one is the golden rule now that I think about it, and I am not sure if that is in the bible or not. But it’s also the basis for all morality, which I already argued, and for example the first rule of Wiccan is, “Do what you will, so long as it harms no one.” My issue is that the rest of the bible isn’t so humanist. A famous example of morality being forwarded by a religious icon would be the civil rights movement and MLK Jr. Sure his faith was part of his passive campaign for equality, but the bible not only condones slavery, but sets out elaborate rules for how it should be done. Nowadays I doubt you can find many Christians who would admit slavery is a good idea, worthy of public support, but it’s still right there in your holy text. Likewise, few Christians would openly support a war with another religion without an excuse for it besides the opposing side being of a different faith. But again, plenty of examples of your god waging such jihads. And I don’t think I need to point out the obvious paradox of chauvinism versus female empowerment in your bible, since you and Mom have had, to my knowledge, some butting of heads with your church leaders in the past over what is and is not allowed for women by your bible.

So if we look at these things like civil rights, women’s equality, and the push for equal treatment of everyone, and you can point out examples of religious people, and the church in general, adjusting your morality to contradict your own divine scripture, then where have these ideas of right and wrong come from? I think that they are not natural to us. The simple forms of morality key to survival are natural to us, and this is what you have titled a conscience. But the grey areas of morality that we have worked out as a species are inarguably important, and the solutions to these problems, although sometimes accepted by the religious community, fly in the face of religious literature and teachings. So the question then becomes, where do we get and how do we define our system of morality. My answer, which is secular humanism, is that we should use our most successful techniques, those being skepticism, rational thought and reason, and the scientific method to constantly test our morality and determine where morality is working for our species and where it is hindering our progress. As we have seen with all areas of life with which we have applied the scientific process, I think morality will be best determined for our species when we put our greatest attribute in charge, that being our ability to think and use reason.

Unfortunately for your side of the argument, religion by its nature denies both reason and the scientific process. Any religion requires its believers to use faith in their lives, and faith by its very nature is the suspension of rational thought to accept an extraordinary claim without conclusive evidence, and often without using any logic at all. And when religion accepts faith, and claims that it’s scripture is the inspired word of god, it denies any application of the scientific method. Once you claim god said something, you aren’t allowed to challenge it until secular society comes along and forces you to adapt, and adaptation is the one evolutionary factor that is even stronger than our intelligence. By contrast, any theory or point of view on morality put forth by a secular humanist is open for rebuttal and debate by every other person on earth, and through this process of intellectual self inspection as a species, we can choose the strongest and most beneficial ideas for our future. I think any idea worth following should withstand scrutiny by the smartest minds available, and religion neither teaches this concept, nor demonstrates it, as evident by the extreme majority of scientists who are atheist.

One quote I hear a lot from the believers is that “atheists don’t believe in nothing, they believe in anything.” This is exactly why we are offended and annoyed. The entire premise that we are incapable of, or have never considered morality is ridiculous. Most atheists find the ideas of religion and morality almost all-encompassingly important, and have spent years or possibly all their life learning and thinking about it. Study after study shows that atheists are on average, more educated on matters of religion and philosophy than are the people who profess to believe in ancient scrolls. So it’s a valid question to ask where we nonbelievers get our morality, but in asking it you shine a light on the overwhelming cultural bias towards freethinkers and skeptics and atheists, and at the same time highlight your own ignorance of alternative beliefs while requiring us to have a deep knowledge of your beliefs. I’m not offended by you asking me this Dad. It was one of the first questions I went after when I realized there was no god, and so I can empathize with never having considered any other option. In fact I am glad that I get to answer it for you instead of some other atheist who may be less friendly with their world views. I hope this gives you some food for thought as far as moral alternatives, and if you have any questions for me, and I hope you do, hit me up. Remember, no idea worth following should be above scrutiny, even mine and especially mine.

Later gator,
Josh.


At Last

So it’s been a full year since My woman and I have been able to see each other, and just when I’m starting to worry the internet has run out of porn, she flies down for a ten day vacation. Besides the sheer fact that I finally get to knock boots again, which was kind of blowing my mind, but on top of that I haven’t had ten whole consecutive days of not-working for many many years. It was really nice, to say the least. By the end of the first weekend I was all rested up and ready to go back to work, and I figured by the end of another week I would be going stark raving mad from boredom. As it turns out though, by the end of my vacation I was ready for another vacation to rest up from the first vacation, and cursing every minute of work all day Monday. Apparently I get spoiled easy. I hope I can retire one day because laying around all the time doing whatever you feel like is fucking awesome. It was like if a damn Jimmy Buffet song mated with a Bob Marley song.

I deserved a break though, because I had been working fourteen hour days for the last few weeks, coming home from my daytime manual labor duties and spending the evening working on my brother’s house until ten or eleven every night. I want a new place to live so I decided to build one with him. We’re closing in his carport and making it into a big ass bedroom and a new laundry room. And let me tell you, nobody loves playing around with power tools more than me, but even I get burned out when I work too much. (more on the project in the next post)

So we rented a hotel for the first few nights, so we could have plenty of privacy for the explicit section of our time together, and let me tell you, I friggin love Hotels. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if I was off probation and could toke up on some of the dank ass ganja we had, and if they had smoking rooms, because trooping my lazy ass downstairs and outside every time I wanted a stoagie was kind of lame. I had to put on pants and everything. We also discovered that boobs do float in water, as long as they are natural.

Why is it that people on vacation always eat the most unhealthy shit ever?

Why is it that people on vacation always eat the most unhealthy shit ever?

I gave Emerald some of the good old southern treatment, making sure some of our activities exposed her to life in the dirty south. I took her grocery shopping at the Super Walmart, the Mecca of white trash. I absolutely love Walmart, it’s like heaven but with more fat people, but she’s not such a big fan. In fact she hates Walmart. But with me as her sherpa she didn’t hate it so much, and even had a little bit of fun. I guess America really does have more fat people than other countries, cause she was a little shocked by this whale of a woman we saw with her two Fatty McFatfat offspring in IHOP. I told her southern people are fat cause we have so much good food it’s damn near impossible to stay in shape. Besides, I love a little extra cushion for the pushin’. That and we have a lot of buffets. I guess buffets are another American thing, cause she told me they don’t have that many in Toronto. WTF?!! That’s one of the coolest things a restaurant can do. It’s cool as hell to be able to eat all you can, and it’s common practice that if you pay for all you can eat, you have to eat as much as you possibly can until you feel like shitting and ralphing at the same time, and you waddle out of the store like some engorged mongoloid.

I didnt know they even served rolls at IHOP.

I didn't know they even served rolls at IHOP.

So in general we had a real blast. I took her out for an official date night, with dinner and a movie. We went to a Japanese steak house, you know the kind with the crazy knife wielding chefs and the fireballs. It was pretty cool, except for the huge black family the got seated next to us and were on their phones the entire time, except when they were interrupting our conversations with a bunch of stupid ass bull shit. If you insist on being a pain in the ass, at least do it on your side of the table. It was kind of funny too cause I’m pretty sure our chef was Mexican, which I found amusing. We also saw the Hangover which is fall down hilarious. My only gripe about the whole movie was that Heather Graham played a hooker and didn’t show her tits, which is complete bullshit, you all know how I feel about boobies. Still though, go watch it, it is worth every penny, unless you are some kind of douchebag who thinks grown men who make infants pantomime masturbation isn’t funny.

Seriously, I fricking love bosoms.

Seriously, I fricking love bosoms.

Fire inside is cool.

Fire inside is cool. Almost cool enough for me to skip the little black Sambo joke this picture makes me think of every time I see it. (Ooooh lawd! Eeessa fiyah suh!)

The other big event we had that week was Going on my favorite morning radio talk show, Bob and the Showgram. Every Friday they have the free-for-all, which is where they have the studio audience in to tell stories and play games and such. I’ve wanted to go on the Showgram for years, and I may not have another chance before I move to Toronto, so this was a real treat for me. We got there super early in the morning, and waited for the interns to come down and take us up to the studio. Then Sweetness, the gay intern came out and helped us through the whole waiver process, making sure none of us can sue the station if we end up losing our jobs or families over anything we say on air. Sweetness by the way, was fun as hell in real life. And they fed us all free Bojangles, which for those of you who aren’t from dixieland is a fried chicken and biscuit place with fucking delicious food. And of course Em is a vegetarian, and there was another gay dude there who was also a vegetarian, so I ended up with a triple meat biscuit, with ham, fried chicken, and sausage all slammed together in a triple meat spectacle. They should have that on the menu, cause it was awesome. Sweetness was even getting a little excited with all that meat pressed together, and wanted a triple meat sandwich of his own, but like a true gentleman I stayed faithful to Emerald.

They took us back to the studio after a little while, and I was of course the very first one in the door, so I got seated right next to the big man himself, Bob Dumas. I never ended up on the air to tell any stories, which kind of bummed me out, but I was so high on everything else that I didn’t really care. It was weird though, because all these other people had stories that sounded like they would be interesting as hell, but they kept being soooooo boring. How do you make a story about being knocked into a coma because lightning hit you on a jet ski uninteresting? How do you take a story about banging a chick in a porta-john at a Nascar race boring? It was like these people were trying to suck extra! And I’m there next to Bob practically jumping out of my seat like, “Pick me! Pick me! I have a story about skinny dipping with a bunch of Mexicans and some fat chicks we met at a gas station!” I did however get to shock Weird Creep John with a cattle prod in the armpit. He was an annoying little pussy in real life though.

I met Sinbad. That was pretty cool, cause I’ve never met a celebrity before except for at signings after shows. It was cool, I shook his hand and we talked about how cool iPhones are. He’s a pretty big dude in person. Em however did make it on the Showgram, they pulled her up to play a game called horseshoes and hand grenades, which is basically just a bunch of random ass trivia questions with cool prizes. She CREAMED Mike, with a landslide victory. I was worried for her because Mike is usually pretty good, but the score ended up five to two, and one of his two was only because they both guessed the same number. I’ll try and ge the audio from the show and edit it together in a sound clip you can listen to, but not right now, cause I’m ass tired from working all weekend.

Bob Dumas on the left, Mike Morris in the middle, and my sexy, sexy woman, Emerald, on the right.

Bob Dumas on the left, Mike Morris in the middle, and my sexy, sexy woman, Emerald, on the right.

All in all it was a really great vacation, and I can’t wait to see her again. I’ll leave you with a few more pictures. For now I’m going the hell to sleep, cause I have to keep myself alive long enough to move up there so I can live like this every week.

Em making breakfast, french toast and coconut battered fried plantains.

Em making breakfast, french toast and coconut battered fried plantains, with a side of white trash bra showing.

Photobombed by my brother Nate. It would have been a really cute picture asshole. Go die in a fire.

Photobombed by my brother Nate. It would have been a really cute picture asshole. Go die in a fire.

Putting the ass back in classy.

Putting the ass back in classy.

Her words say no but her eyes say hell yes. Sloppy wet time sugar!

Her words say no but her eyes say hell yes. Sloppy wet time sugar!

Just so you all know, there are pictures of her filling out a very sexy rebel flag bikini, but she wont let me put them up, so you get this crap instead.

Just so you all know, there are pictures of her filling out a very sexy rebel flag bikini, but she won't let me put them up, so you get this crap instead.

Terrifica: a real life super bitch

I was recently reading an article about a bunch of real life super heroes, or rather, a bunch of jack-asses with too much spare time and a grip on reality akin to my own grip on sobriety. Mostly you find very similar guys who although clearly weirder than the average bear, honestly just want to do a little good in the world, whether that be returning dropped purses, cutting through the cops tire clamps to free the sufferers of a police state, or assisting with the alleged busting up of unspecified illegal gambling dens. Cool stuff, more power to them, rock on, and all that jazz.

Unfortunately there are bound to be a few disappointments to the crime fighting community. I thought “The Big O” was a disappointment when I found out his super power was in fact not giving women tons and tons of free orgasms, but rather just a bunch of Dudley Dooright bullshit. However, I had no idea how truly misguided a super human could be until I read about Terrifica.

Everyone who hates sex dresses like a drag queen, duh.

Everyone who hates sex dresses like a drag queen, duh.

Terrifica derives her name not from being terrific, but rather from the greek word terriblos, meaning terrible, and fica meaning fecal matter. Her super power is being a crusty bitter bitch and running around in bars like a lunatic trying her best to stop people from hooking up. That’s right, this woman has devoted her life to making sure other people have as little casual sex as possible. Can you say C.U.N.T? Look I understand that a lot of women walk around like two dollar whores in clubs shaking their vagina left and right, then get all pissy and bleedy when some guy assumes they are loose, buys them a bunch of alcohol, listens to them blather on about Twilight and how crazy the receptionist at work is, dances to a bunch of chick music for a while, drives them home, tricks them into getting naked and laying down on their back, and then like some treacherous poon robber makes some fierce sex to their baby boxes without thinking about what their fickle fleeting emotional whims might be the next morning. I really do understand ladies. But just because you’ve had a devastating break up or two does not mean that you should try to stop everyone else from making the sexuals. Get over it, SRSLY!

What Terrifica needs to do is stay home and focus on not being used again. She can just stay in her little apartment with her fifty cats and keep her sweet ass nice and safe from all those horrible men out there, and likewise, I’m sure they won’t mind too much either. But no, apparently somewhere along the line while she was crying to herself and eating ice cream, thinking about how much she hated those mean old meanies who didn’t fulfill her idiotic fantasies of how every man should be a prince charming and love only her, and she doesn’t share any responsibility for her relationships being poorly matched, somewhere in there spandex sounded like a good idea. Really? WTF mate?

The following is a quote from a NYMag.com article I read spicifically about her. “On a recent Saturday night in Park Slope, Terrifica bursts through the door of a bar called Commonwealth. She is resplendent in red spandex, scarlet boots, and red plastic overcoat. She wears no cape or mask—tonight is an “undercover” operation. She makes a beeline to a dark corner where a couple looks poised to canoodle. After speaking to them quietly, she opens her utility belt—referring to it as a fanny pack will not endear you to Terrifica—and gives them a pair of gold lamé fortune cards. When Terrifica moves on to another couple, I ask what happened. “She asked if we were going to hook up tonight,” says Lauren, a 24-year-old painter. (“We’re just good friends,” interjects her buddy Justin.) “She offered us a condom and said that if I was going to be tricked into having sex, at least it should be safe.”

Dear Terrificunt: if you ever read this, please go fuck yourself. In fact, that’s possibly the best advise I have ever given anyone. Your new super power should be fucking yourself, and you should change your name to Vibratica or Erotica or Clitica or something. And instead of being the ultimate cock block, you should spend some time giving people sex toys and sensual lotions and buying rounds for bars and slipping date rape drugs into everyones drink so everyone gets laid! Seriously, if you are that hung up on your exes, please, for the love of God, go get laid. Tell you what, me and Emerald will get you drunk and love you up something crazy, as our personal favor to the world. (I haven’t actually cleared this with Em yet, but go ahead and call me, I’m sure we can work something out) You know you want it, come and get it sugar tits, just don’t expect us to call you back, or use protection.

Id use her! Shawing!

I'd use her! Shawing!

An ode to true love.

Every now and then you have a moment of clarity among the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Perhaps in the middle of your cracked out rush to get everything donerightnowforfuckssake!!!!! Maybe just sitting there with your mind wildly firing it’s ADD staccato. That endlessly breaking wave of disconnected thought pollution that we’ve become so used to. And then you realize that you really have true love, and you probably ought to get off your ass and go express it to the one who matters most to you. So here is my feeble attempt at appreciation, be gentle cause it comes from the heart.

You have been with me through thick and thin. You may not be the strongest, but you are surprisingly strong when I need your support. It’s as if you know when I’m hurt even before I do, reacting in my best interest. You don’t mind when I’m tired. You don’t mind when I’m frustrated. You’re the perfect listener, whether I’m angry or excited, depressed or elated. You won my stomach over with your delicious cooking. I think we make an excellent team. You know me better than I ever thought possible, sometimes better than I know myself.

I can’t imagine life without you. I would feel like a piece of me were missing if you ever left. I may be as manly as forty ninjas fighting an army of rabid wolverines wearing plaid and army boots, but if you ever left I know I would cry. I want you to be happy, and healthy, and stay with me for the rest of our lives. I know I haven’t always treated you as gently as I should have, but you never complain, you always understand.

I remember our first time together. We were so unsure, nervous, but excited, like children but not in a pervy way. And our love only got better with each time. I love making love to you for hours on end. I love seeing you next to me when I go to sleep, and knowing you will still be there when I wake up. Your skin on mine, feeling your warmth. No matter what happens, no matter what life throws our way and what sort of troubles we have to go through together, I promise I will never crush you. And I can’t wait to slide that ring on your finger officially making you mine forever.

And even if you aren’t the most coordinated, and I don’t use you as often, secretly you’re still my favorite hand, Lefty.

Love forever and always,

The rest of the body.

PS – Don’t tell Righty about this, you know how sensitive he is.

The Beast With Two Heads

So I guess it was only a matter of time. Much like the the process that slowly lead me to create this blog, I have been struck down by the my muse/siren of creativity, and possibly persuaded a bit by some fine ass. I’ve started a second blog, based around my relationship with my dream girl, what’s her face. The hope is to isolate all the emotional and soft bull shit from this blog, and hers as well, and combine it all into one giant ball of kitty-flower-petal-baby-eating-lemon-chipmunk-warm-fuzzy powerball of supercute love and affection and probably a shit ton of drama. Why the fuck not, I don’t want any human emotions watering down all the sweet ass internet street cred I’ve convinced myself I’ve built up over the months since I started this blog over on that other shitty site. (it was Blogger, don’t use it, WordPress is much better!)

Anyway, it’s called 800 Miles, named so for the distance life has so comically thrown in between us, once again impeding my drunken-bat like path towards eventual happiness and stability. If you are at all interested in getting to know myself or my woman a little better go ahead and skip that whole “about us” page, and go right ahead to the Interview With a Girlfriend, and Interview With a Boyfriend. That’s where the real shit is. I can’t speak for Em, but I have a hard time accurately describing myself in those about me pages. They always seem so forced and awkward, and our interviews for each other are more like the real life conversations we actually have with each other all day long. I think most folks would enjoy those a bit better than the prepackaged meet-and-greet shit fest that is blog author introductions.

Love & Hugs & Kisses All Over

I’ve been trying to think of a good way to segue into my real topic here, and apparently when it comes to matters of significance I get writers block. I’ve thought and thought about how to say it in some cute, romantic, snarky, comical way, but I’ve come up with absolutely nothing. So like I always do when I can’t disguise my real feelings with a smoke cover of juvenile comedy and filler adjectives, I’ll just cut the bull shit and tell y’all what’s really going down in my life. I’ve fell in love.

Take a minute to think about how just a few wrong words can change the meaning of what I just said. I fell in love. I fell in love with a woman. I fell in love with a woman from another country. I fell in love with a woman from another country, that I’ve never even touched. (with my wang) See how quick that goes from romantic, to complicated, to perverted. When you limit your communication to written words you have to be careful to say exactly what you mean, cause it’s easy to read my words how you would say them, and not how I would say them. But it’s hard to misunderstand “I fell in love” when I cut out all the superlatives, cut out any catch, cut out any bull shit. The fact is that I fell in love, so come with me on my little journey through how this miracle came to be.

Y’all know the story of how I got here in the blogging world by now, at least the readers who’ve been with me for a while. If you haven’t, I’ll sum it up right now. My friends showed me Ask A Ninja, which linked me to YouTube, which got me interested in the internet for the first time. I then started my own YouTube channel. Then my friend Steph (can’t find your link Steph, hit me up and I’ll edit it in) showed me a post by Sundry, which somehow through a family and parenting content based blog got me interested in creative writing, which I’ve always loved. Then after a year or two of reading her blog, I decided to try my own luck at it.

So then through a series of links, which to this day I still can not retrace, I ended up at The Queen’s blog, which linked me to Talea’s blog, thanks to her hilarious title, and from there I linked over to Emerald’s blog. Now I realize this was a complicated route, but at this point I suddenly stopped and took notice. On October 23’rd I read her blog for the first time, and I was struck with this incredible attraction to her personality and the way she expressed herself through her words. This girl was obviously something I would have to check out a second time.

Here is Em in all her buxom beauty:

teh sexorz, fo rizzle and whatnot honky

Here is an exact transcript of the first sentence I ever said to her: “Despite my general distaste for the Indie scene in general, I loved your account of the evening. I wish I could get this post drunk and seduce it into a one night stand that ends awkwardly but still leaves both parties gratified.” Clearly, I was on my way to seducing her, by insulting her taste in music, and forcing myself on her post. (a gratifying sort of force mind you) I followed up this comment with these quite romantic words, if I may say so myself: “And take pride in how many people you pissed off. They were probably the bald deuche bags that blocked traffic with their charitable buggery. And forget about the grammar. Grammar is for class work and science articles. This is teh facking interweb noobs. Mother fuckers don’t have to grammarize shit if they don’t feel like it!” Wow, I can see the cornerstones of a solid relationship falling into place even as we speak. What sort of pillow talk should I woo her with now that I tried to date rape her post and cussed in four fake languages? “I like chicks with balls. (not actual balls mind you, the metaphorical sort of balls that don’t clutter up the paradice city that is the ball-less vagina)” Sometimes I amaze even myself. If you are a woman, or a homo man, please try and abstain from telling me how incredibly hawt I am right now, cause I know, and redundancy is repetitive and shit, I don’t need that. I’ll gladly accept money, or a child named after me. Shrines work too. (photo evidence needed)

But anywho, I started some discreet messaging between Emerald and myself, or possibly she started it. I can’t remember now. But I got a Facebook account to talk to her, and the other lovely Toronto vixens of course, but mostly her. At the time, both of us were in no way looking for a relationship. In fact, at that point I don’t think I had even seen a picture of her beside those ugly ass Halloween pics she posted, with the whole botched abortion costume. (gross, check them out) So I came to be friends with her, after getting out of a very disappointing relationship, feeling like shit, while she was still in some rather complicated relationship activities of her own. And we just talked like friends, sharing what we had been through, and what we were going through. Slowly but surely this grew into an undeniable attraction and bond between the two of us.

We began sending not only comments, but also long letters back and forth every day. This turned into two long letters every day. And then she convinced me to get on her IM network, and we began chatting some in the evenings. And then it turned into one long ass (as in has to be split into two letters to send) letter every day, and I would come home during lunch to talk to her for half an hour, and then rush home afterwards to talk to her for another half an hour before she got off work. (no internet at home, just yet, soon darlin) Then it bacame the letter, the lunch chats, and links, and several hours in the evening, with her staying after work just to chat with little old me. And we talked like people.

We skipped that first awkward few months of dating, because we had no time or use for any of it. There was no weird dress codes or date locations or activities. We just talked like people. Like peers. There was no awkward first kiss. There was no awkward first sex. There was no awkward feeling out of the other person on every level. We just talked like humans. We were irresistibly attracted to each other and we both knew it and neither of us really was going to say it. Because as you may know, or may even be thinking right now, internet relationships aren’t as real as face to face relationships. Well I’m here to tell you they CAN be much more authentic and heart felt. I never had any reason to try and pretty up my looks for her, she accepted me just as she found me. I never had to dull myself down one bit, cause she jived well with the things I poured out of my heart, just for her. I shared things I’ve never shared with anyone else. And likewise, she opened up to me. And we both loved what we saw.

Now let me just say right now that we are not completely compatible. There are things in our lives that are in total opposition. Our views on politics are dangerously opposite. But we recognize that and try to allow each other the freedom of will to choose whatever we like, without letting it cause arguments. She swings left, I swing right, and as far as I see it, though I can’t speak for her, I think we’ve both influenced the others views a little bit by explaining why we believe what we do. We come from different countries, from different cultures, her from the city, me from the country. She’s a Canuck, I’m a rebel flag waving, Dixie Land red neck. But we get along not agreeing on these things. She’s a vegetarian, I worship meat. But she respects my love for the tastiest food on earth, and likewise, I respect her choice not to eat meat or harm any creature. I expect her to respect my free will and not (try to, as if anyone could break my stubborn streak) force me to conform to her standards and beliefs. I’m not her puppet or pet. And likewise, she expects me to respect her choices, her beliefs, and her views on life, and I do my very best to do just that. We love each other for who we are, and not for who we want the other person to be.

And not only do we respect each others differences, we celebrate them. She has this zest for life that is hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it. We just yesterday had this conversation about living. Not living as in existence, but living as in to the god damned fullest with every breath you have left and every fiber in your being. She told me that she doesn’t want to live with me, she want to LIVE with me. And I just about jumped for joy, because I had never told her this, but I feel the exact same way. I don’t want to grow boring with someone, I want to live the greatest adventure in history with someone. I want a woman who will constantly challenge my thinking, my behavior, my intellect. I want a challenge, and she does too. I don’t want to sit down and watch Everybody Loves Raymond for the rest of my life, I want to go jump out of a fucking airplane while having premarital sex in the sky and playing the lottery and starting my own business, and possibly before I hit the ground, I’d like to learn to knife fight bears. I want a partnership where we accept the differences we have, but never accept anything less than the most the other person has to offer. Maybe we’re naive, but I’m lovin’ it like McDonald’s never dreamed of. And I’m having it my way like BK never though possible. (not to imply that anyone working at BK is capable of thought, of course not)

But in all the important ways (because face it, politics and what kind of food you eat are not that important, so fuck that shit) we are a perfect match. We believe very similar things about spirituality, and the meaning of life, and major religions. We believe similar things on society, and culture, and status, and all the things that go along with human interaction. We believe similar things on having fun, and being yourself, and our future together. We both have this vision of what our tomorrow holds. We both see us visiting each other, and us figuring out a way to make our lives work together. I love this girl so fucking much, it makes me dizzy.

Before I finally worked up the balls to tell her I loved her, I was hardly sleeping. I was a total wreck. I was afraid she would do like the other women in my life, and leave me unexpectedly, and my heart would be broken. So I wrote this long ass, super poetic, retardedly romantic letter to her letting her know how I felt, and then promptly forgot to send it, and my sister in law closed the window. So I just fessed up like a real man and told her straight up how I felt about her. It was scary. It was almost the death of me, But it was also the moment I learned she loved me too, and as much as I wish I could have maybe said it a bit more eloquently, it just got blurted out in frustration and stress, and then a huge wave of joy and relief passed through both of us. We knew, this was not just some internet crush, like in my post. This was something we are both working towards every day.

She knows all about my legal problems. Much more than I’m willing to share with you, my kick ass blog readers. I love you guys too, but not the same. She knows all about my alcoholism. She knows all about my bad skin, and my low income, and that I will probably be locked up very soon. (tuesday maybe) She knows things that no other person had ever known about me. Sometimes she even knows things about me that I haven’t shared with her, or am even cognizant of. And likewise, I know her burdens. the fact that she is willing to look past these HUGE disqualifiers is heart wrenching for me. I am so in love with this woman, after all this time, that I’m actively looking into immigrating to canada and finding a job there, and hopefully making a new life for us as a family there. I am more than willing to leave my close knit family, my awesome friends, and everything I’ve ever known, even my country to just have a shot at making things work with this woman. She’s not my girl, she’s my woman, and there’s a difference, cause this isn’t fucking puppy love, this is the only time in my life I have ever been so happy, and the only time I’ve ever taken big risks to secure my future.

We have never met in real life. I have never held her. I have never kissed her. I’ve never smelled her. I’ve never got a look at her poon tang. This isn’t about sex. It isn’t even about looks, since we started talking before we even saw each other. This is about me and another soul falling deeply in love, and not giving a fuck about popular opinion. Speaking of which, it’s your turn to make this subject yours. I want to know what you feel about internet relationships and their validity. Don’t worry about insulting either of us, we’re absolutely cool with your views. Whether you think it’s good or bad or fucking retarded, tell us what you think. I’ve heard both sides a lot. My brother Nate is tired of hearing me talk about this girl all the time, even though I’ve never met her. My sister in law is already as in love with her as I am, possibly about to steal her. My work friends think I’m an idiot, since my last relationship was long distance, and I got burned on that one. I’ve had people tell me “if you haven’t done the dirty, she isn’t really your girl!” Not true, and we will, as soon as I get out of jail, ad save up some money to go visit. For now, there’s no chance. And on the other side, I have my two best friends Kenny and Rachel, who met online and are now happily married. And I waited a long fucking time to see Kenny meet a girl who was right for him, and I couldn’t be happier with his decision. So I have both the good and bad represented in my personal life. Now that the secret is out, and y’all know Em is my woman, let me know honestly how you feel about it.

I love you so much baby, and you mean the world to me. Just to make everyone gag a little bit more, love and hugs and kisses all over! ❤

Destined to live alone.

So I find myself in what I suspect will be looked back upon as the terminal stages of a doomed relationship. I’m constantly surrounded by all the drama, and conflict, and that deepening feeling of loneliness that comes with the dying breaths of two people trying not to break up while they slowly admit to themselves that they need to. Every day becomes more stressful, and every new moment is filled with the sort of saddening music you might find in Donnie Darko. It’s a very very mad world.

And with no one to talk to concerning the problems in my personal life, I would maybe turn to my pseudo-girl to at least try and vent some of the stress of my legal problems. But alas, there is no relief on any side, so I come to my precious internet. This one place where even my close friends don’t hear what I say. The one place where I can vent without any worry about the repercussions. I stand alone, but I have my last frontier of personal expression, my writing. The only place where I can express my frustrations and not give a fuck who hears it.

Like for instance a little lady you might remember by the name of theblacksentinel. When I did my angry race rant she showed up to rag on the whole parade. Now, having been active on the internet for many years, I know how it is when you speak out on anything controversial. It won’t be long before you have some activist asshole tugging on your balls for attention and web space. I mean, I have occasionally gotten drunk during a really bad time in my life and even pissed off my internet friends, like Sundry. (if I can call her a friend, I hope so, I really respect her) But this hag was different, or should I say, much more common.

She did however do one thing that made me laugh my ass off. She posted an anti-me blog. And here’s the best part. It was titled, “Sprinting to Hell: with Gasoline Underwear”. How bad ass is that? I mean, no shit that is fucking awesome. I’ve had a lot, A LOT of internet trolls try and start shit with me, but this was by far the coolest. That should have been the title of my blog. I wish I had though of that. But it lets me know I’m doing something right. I wouldn’t feel like I were actually sprinting to hell if I didn’t piss off some folks along the way. I have a reputation to keep up. However the second best thing about this anti-me blog was the picture. I love it. Check this shit out.

not me, really!

Remember how I said you can’t fly a rebel flag without being labeled a KKK member? Well check out this real life photo of the people I work with. No, I’m kidding. I mean, I do know a few KKK members, but this is one of those ridiculous portraits of the south that has no basis in reality. There are definitely some racist white assholes here, and yes I have to deal with them, they have some good drugs. But almost no one who fly’s a rebel flag is racist. The rebel falg is all about loving dixie land, and not at all about hating black folks. I mean, without black folks we wouldn’t have the blues. And without the blues we wouldn’t have Rock and Roll. Or Aunt Jemima. Take your pick, they both rock.

So passing her by as a nuisance on the road of life, It comes right back to me and my relationship which may or may not be taking it’s dying breaths. I just got back from a birthday party for a friend of mine who turned 30. And I can’t help but ponder where I might be at thirty.

I saw a lot of the people I used to see with my last serious woman, and it made me kind of sad. I remembered the times we had, and the things we used to do, and you know, despite our breakup, I really did love that woman. She meant a lot to me before she left me. But time has passed, and that relationship is long gone. But I still wonder, how come I haven’t settled down like my friends? Why must I be the one with a personality too strong to match up? Is that part of me being me, or is it just me being an ass hole?

If I’m just one of those people who have a very strong personality, and that means I have to wait a lifetime to find someone who matches up well with me, then that is ok. I’m a very patient, self sufficient man. I don’t need anyone else to be there right now. But if many of my friends are correct, and their prediction of me being a man alone his entire life comes true, will I be alright with that? Will I be ok with missing all the things in life that people hold most dear?

What if I never have a wife. What if I never have a woman who tells me she loves me? What if I never have children, or experience being a father? What if never have anyone in my life, besides my immediate family, who ever loves me? What if I spend my life having sex, and never once make love? That would be harsh. I think I really don’t want to miss a woman, a wife, and fatherhood. I’m ok with spending time alone, in fact I need time alone, but I don’t want to be alone my whole life.

I know people who have never grown to the point that they could love someone. And I also know people who have always wanted someone to love, but never found them. And I also know peope who have married foolishly, and had the relationship blow up in their face. And I know people who have found their true loves, made homes, had children, and in the end, still not worked out, and split under bitter circumstances. I am hoping against hope that I can work through the problems that I am having right now, and that maybe this woman will be someone that I could fall in love with and spend my life loving. But honestly, every experience I’ve had says that’s a pipe dream and I need to worry about more immediate problems.

So how do you feel? Is there such a thing as true love. Does everyone have someone for them? Or are many of us just doomed to some half relationship with no love and no satisfaction? Is there a destiny of happiness, or should we look out for ourselves? And if we are destined to soulmates, what is your advise? And if we are destined to live alone, what is your advise?